## Wednesday, April 29, 2009

### Good Mornining Kate.

Well I woke up today after a dream of you. We were laughing and smiling that was the whole dream. I woke up crying because I missed you, I put on my Ipod and put on mix and tenacious D came on, so I took that off and went for a walk. Everything Reminds me of you, Its going to take some time to get over this breakup. on the way here I woke from a dream of you in your wedding dress but all I could see was you smiling at me through the veil. Its really hard. I'm sure it probably is there too, I just have to figure out how to deal. The DR hear certified me with a full fledged nervous breakdown :) I just keep getting more things after my name.

Well I have alot of poems on paper I need to type here, I'm just trying to make sure I write even though I'm not sure if your reading.

## Monday, April 27, 2009

### Mistakes

Sitting alone all by myself
I had a job, a soon to be wife and the bills to pay,
It all went wrong, all way to fast
I COULDN'T CATCH THE MESS I had blaster
away in a text message not knowing the whole side
except my girl was not happy, and started bank accounts on the side.
See i NEVER WAS CONCERNED WITH THE MONEY
i THOUGHT SHE WAS LEAVING ME.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED And I don't think any one cared
we both had no feelings, to crushed to be hurt.
I tried to fix what I could it was too late. I watched the girl of my dreams walk out of my life in a Uhaul truck.

I Spent the night before in a mental ward, who knew I was so fucked up.
I guess I do now, letting the only girl I ever truly love walk away from me.

I got fired, I had to move, and leave behind, the town I grew to love and cherish, I thought I'd grow old. With Sky and Jimmy and my Special One. Explode in my face, the stpry of my life, I now fade to ashes and life in the strife.

### Well Its been a few Days

I got Moved into "home" I suppose you re moved into your place now. I hope all is well. I know I miss you, I'm totally worried about the court thing just because I'm already fucked with jimmy. Crystal has been cool I do have to say about letting me see him, I just can't see him yet cause I don't want him to see me this way. Your Stronger than I am, You can go on like its another day with Sky or at work, around friends, even at home. Your built that way to not let it bother you. Its like business to you. Seems weird not being at work, seeing everyone in My IM and none that talk to me. Crazy going from like 200K with bonuses together, and even just breaking down to myself like I need to do now, $135 a year, to Filing for Unemployment I probably wont get and Temp Disability to get my mind right. Cool Food stamps and the Welfare Check! I'm glad you got to keep your job, disappointed you used my blog against me. That was real thoughts and emotions, the Hate post was from Chris. It doesn't matter now, I just want you to know thst was pretty low, even the book, if you actually sit down and read it. I have Insurance until the end of the month so they are doing a Lyden Factor 5 teat and a full STD panel so I don't have to do it at a free clinic so I'll be able to tell you if you meed those meds or not. I really hope I can get at least a medical card, my script for lamictal is$716 a month. I went to walmart to try to buy them all outright for the cheap ones since I already had Insurance pay them. some were ok, but the psych and sleeping meds are crazy expensive. I really hope your having a good life, I am very hurt about alot, nut not angry besides with myself. I'm upset I put you into a position to not give me your phone number. I gave you mine as soon as it switched. Its your call and what you think is right, so its all good. It will be one of those things that eats me inside out though, because I though I was a better person than what apparently I am. A restraining order, A Number and Addy change with no info, and no contact. I feel like I wasted 3 years of your life, even as a friend to let it get that bad. Sorry I wasted that time. Maybe if I would have done things different it Toledo, or never came to Toledo you could be living this perfect life that I held you back from. I talked to a Psych and "waste of time" came up a lot so I see how she thinks I wasted your time. Anyway, I'm sorry for that. But I'm going yo go grab s drink.

## Thursday, April 23, 2009

### - Chris says,

Sorry homie, you can't expect people to understand what's misunderstood. But, being misconceived, I over-stand. Every thing happens for a reason.... I am sorry for any trouble my words have caused, but I don't apologize for my right to speak. To those who may not aknowledge the importance of expression.... Suck my barb-wire wrapped cock. And, by the way... thanks for tuning in.

### Hook Me UP

I am DIK!! Hook is DIK!! I am happy to have a place for me to do my poetry, thanks Dog. I have never been interested in writing for some one to see. I was looking for an honest escape, I wrote "HATE". I did it from my soul, you don't think it's o.k.; BLOW ME!! There are an unknown number of children being solicited every day on the internet, and my words r what's important? I made "HATE" from my heart, your so vein.... you probably think the poem is about you.... Don't flatter yourself. Fuck you, blow me, I am Chris. Thumb TUCKED 4 life. Court cases and money come and go, but honor and pride are hard to find. SUCK MY DIK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

## Sunday, April 19, 2009

### To K- Seriously Important.

There is the PERFECT answer I can give you. Lyrics are below. Listen too it, it will help, a 3 year relationship, may need help in the next one.

Read and re re the words.

### Pills

I just popped some and I don't know what the were. -j

### To My X Love

it's not my mind -repeat x6
not my mind -repeat x6

yo J

and I get a little bit

your veins flow with poison
please acknowledge my present
this precous gift I behold disgaurded like trash
to dominate, it's in your nature, you selfish brat

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

strange things occuring
happening over and
over and over again
now bitch you are cruelty
you bark your orders with such a degrading dialect

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
and I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

gonna funk it up

one minute you think you're all this
the next minute you think you're all that
but your playin' with a nova momma didn't show ya
how to take gettin' canned by the man when it's over
I'll be hunting you down
waiting for the payback, your frown
begging me for your mercy
I ain't down with the sympathy you see
and I always remember your tender love
wipe me under the rug
just so you can step on my spine
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x2

(?) inflicted reminds me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I'd like to rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine _please don't make me_ -repeat x2
you're so sweet -repeat x3
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x3
so (?)was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
you're so sweet -repeat x3

you're always right and I'm always wrong
not my mind
that's why you love me so much
not my mind
you're so sweet
not my mind
I love you
you're so sweet
I love you
not my mind -repeat x4

### x- Girlfriend #2''s Text Messages, I'll fill in my side later.

Audiy and Kristina, they asked what is up with jims video on Facebook I had no Idea what they were talking about. Said you were breaking down ( The Jimmy video)

I have not gone out to face book and won't why would you put it up if you wanted it to be annonymous? Ur mom saw it too.

I don't even know what it is, don't change on my account. Just asking because I did not know what they wer talking about. You at the hotel yet?

She (my mom) said something this am. I let it go but when 2 other people asked me I thought it must be serious.... Don't say anything to her. ( my mom)

She just said to send the video to your atty. I did not think anything about it untill Kristina and Audy.

---After on the phone she said she was breaking up with me after transferring money into two personal accounts, and waiting until I was in Chicago---

Jim, Guys do not hit on me and it wouldnt matter if they did. This is us, not about someone else. I am not doing so hot with 1 guy why would I attempt 2. (daughter) and I grilled out and we are chilling on the couch. Have fun at the bar.

At Carlos will talk after.

OOMG Jim, Do whatever

Ok, do whatever the fuck you want I will let brenda the travel agent to forget it.

Please let me enjoy dinner with (daughter) no more drama.

Enjoying an evening drama free with my daughter I am sure there will b plenty when you get home.

You can have whatever is left in the accts. Cancelling the appts. Tell Chris I said Hi, sounds like he is a better person than me.

I am going to be gone this weekend. Take whatever U want. I can't take this anymore, I don't hate you, I just don't know who you are anymore.

I am sure I have told you this was my fault and problem.

### Generosity Test

Give and take is part of any relationship. The unspoken agreement to lean on your lover in exchange for your support at another time is part of what makes being in a relationship desirable over being alone.

In general terms, the healthiest alternative is to reach a certain balance between giving and taking. Couples who strike a balance are more likely to go with the flow, taking a little when they feel the need and giving when they feel they have something to offer their partner. Such a relationship is a healthy one -- both partners are comfortable with themselves, are able to identify their own needs and desires and can act on these feelings with the understanding that their partner will recognize their need and fulfill it. A couple that balances the giving and taking are two people working together to make a stronger whole.

However, love does not necessarily require the give-take division to be perfectly equal, nor does it specify what works and what doesn't. Every couple is different and what works for one may throw another pair off balance. What is most important is that the distribution satisfies both partners. Keep this in mind as you check out your score...

## Results of the Giver Test

 Your score = 85 Taker Sharer Giver

## What does your score mean?

You are a giver extraordinaire! Perhaps you obtain enjoyment by constantly providing your partner with tokens of your love. Maybe your rewards come from the gratitude you receive after having given to your partner. Or maybe the act itself is amply fulfilling. Whatever the reason, it's great as long as you remain happy in this position. Giving is a beautiful thing if your offerings are well received and appreciated.

But any extreme has its possible drawbacks. And as a persistent giver there are many things you should watch out for. You may be putting your lover's needs and wants in front of your own in your desire to please. It feels nice at first to give and to see your partner appreciate your offers, but eventually this sense of well being may die if your mate gets into the habit and expects (or feels entitled to) your nice gestures-without giving in return. Don't let yourself become trapped in such a pattern with your partner if it no longer gives you joy, or even worse, if you start experiencing resentment and frustration. Give only because you truly WANT to -- not because you feel obliged to or want something in return.

Being a 100% giver in a relationship may backfire for you or your partner. It could leave your partner as the taker in the relationship, which may or may not be what s/he is comfortable with. For some people, receiving is a joy that invokes the urge to give back with the same gusto. With two such people together, a fantastic relationship full of reciprocated generosity can develop. But for others, being showered with attention and love feels great at first but may become suffocating over time. And then there are those individuals who simply enjoy being treated like royalty, come to expect such treatment, and don't give a second thought to the fact that they might give something in return. Whether such partners are simply clueless or truly selfish, you should beware, since you could miss out on the joys of being on the receiving end of a relationship.

And being a reluctant giver can cause you to suffer from pent up feelings of frustration. Only give when you truly wish to...

### My About Sensuality Test Results

Sensuality is to be acutely aware of what the senses perceive. This preoccupation or devotion to that which is smelled, touched, heard, tasted, and seen has some bearing on how one experiences life…and sex.

Studies have shown that people who are exceptionally sensual are very process-oriented. In life, this means enjoying the present moment and not always being hung up on the future or the past. What is going on around at the present moment is enough to capture the sensual individuals full attention. This is an excellent recipe for happiness. In matters of sex, being process-oriented means NOT being driven by the goal of orgasm. Instead it means enjoying sex for the experience itself, basking in the actual act and not driving to a climactic finish.

## Results of the Sensuality Test

 Sensuality IndexYour score = 87

## What does your score mean?

You are one sensual human being! You are titillated by the sensual stimuli of everyday life. The smell of flowers, the sensation of silk against the skin, the taste of food, the sound of music, and the rich colors of life tickle and tease you to ecstasy. Yours is a hedonistic attitude, and you deeply enjoy the physical pleasures that life has to offer. This is great-a good smell or beautiful color is often enough to keep a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

You are into long, emotional lovemaking (which is usually followed by an earth-shattering orgasm). This is fabulous for you and one would wager that your partner doesn't mind either!

Your senses are also inextricably linked to your emotions and certain sensual stimuli can evoke strong feelings. Therefore you tend to be emotionally passionate.

Because you get so much pleasure from your senses, you are eager to experiment in life. This is positive since you can make great discoveries and experience a lot of pleasure. However, being pleasure-driven can sour you from persevering if an experience isn't entirely pleasant. If that's your case, your lack of persistence might be keeping you from attaining worthy goals (sometimes it is necessary to wade through dull and insipid periods of life).

But most importantly, remember that 'too much of a good thing' can be harmful. People who delight is sensual pleasures are at a slightly increased risk for addictions (substance, sex, love, etc.). So keep yourself in check. Careless sex, too much chocolate, and fine wine can all be wonderful in reasonable doses. And though they induce pleasure, too much can lead to your demise.

All in all, you have the innate ability to use your senses to enjoy what this life has to offer!