Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Good Mornining Kate.

Well I woke up today after a dream of you. We were laughing and smiling that was the whole dream. I woke up crying because I missed you, I put on my Ipod and put on mix and tenacious D came on, so I took that off and went for a walk. Everything Reminds me of you, Its going to take some time to get over this breakup. on the way here I woke from a dream of you in your wedding dress but all I could see was you smiling at me through the veil. Its really hard. I'm sure it probably is there too, I just have to figure out how to deal. The DR hear certified me with a full fledged nervous breakdown :) I just keep getting more things after my name.

Well I have alot of poems on paper I need to type here, I'm just trying to make sure I write even though I'm not sure if your reading.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Sitting alone all by myself
I had a job, a soon to be wife and the bills to pay,
It all went wrong, all way to fast
away in a text message not knowing the whole side
except my girl was not happy, and started bank accounts on the side.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED And I don't think any one cared
we both had no feelings, to crushed to be hurt.
I tried to fix what I could it was too late. I watched the girl of my dreams walk out of my life in a Uhaul truck.

I Spent the night before in a mental ward, who knew I was so fucked up.
I guess I do now, letting the only girl I ever truly love walk away from me.

I got fired, I had to move, and leave behind, the town I grew to love and cherish, I thought I'd grow old. With Sky and Jimmy and my Special One. Explode in my face, the stpry of my life, I now fade to ashes and life in the strife.

Well Its been a few Days

I got Moved into "home" I suppose you re moved into your place now. I hope all is well. I know I miss you, I'm totally worried about the court thing just because I'm already fucked with jimmy. Crystal has been cool I do have to say about letting me see him, I just can't see him yet cause I don't want him to see me this way. Your Stronger than I am, You can go on like its another day with Sky or at work, around friends, even at home. Your built that way to not let it bother you. Its like business to you. Seems weird not being at work, seeing everyone in My IM and none that talk to me. Crazy going from like 200K with bonuses together, and even just breaking down to myself like I need to do now, $135 a year, to Filing for Unemployment I probably wont get and Temp Disability to get my mind right. Cool Food stamps and the Welfare Check! I'm glad you got to keep your job, disappointed you used my blog against me. That was real thoughts and emotions, the Hate post was from Chris. It doesn't matter now, I just want you to know thst was pretty low, even the book, if you actually sit down and read it. I have Insurance until the end of the month so they are doing a Lyden Factor 5 teat and a full STD panel so I don't have to do it at a free clinic so I'll be able to tell you if you meed those meds or not. I really hope I can get at least a medical card, my script for lamictal is $716 a month. I went to walmart to try to buy them all outright for the cheap ones since I already had Insurance pay them. some were ok, but the psych and sleeping meds are crazy expensive. I really hope your having a good life, I am very hurt about alot, nut not angry besides with myself. I'm upset I put you into a position to not give me your phone number. I gave you mine as soon as it switched. Its your call and what you think is right, so its all good. It will be one of those things that eats me inside out though, because I though I was a better person than what apparently I am. A restraining order, A Number and Addy change with no info, and no contact. I feel like I wasted 3 years of your life, even as a friend to let it get that bad. Sorry I wasted that time. Maybe if I would have done things different it Toledo, or never came to Toledo you could be living this perfect life that I held you back from. I talked to a Psych and "waste of time" came up a lot so I see how she thinks I wasted your time. Anyway, I'm sorry for that. But I'm going yo go grab s drink.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

- Chris says,

Sorry homie, you can't expect people to understand what's misunderstood. But, being misconceived, I over-stand. Every thing happens for a reason.... I am sorry for any trouble my words have caused, but I don't apologize for my right to speak. To those who may not aknowledge the importance of expression.... Suck my barb-wire wrapped cock. And, by the way... thanks for tuning in.

Hook Me UP

I am DIK!! Hook is DIK!! I am happy to have a place for me to do my poetry, thanks Dog. I have never been interested in writing for some one to see. I was looking for an honest escape, I wrote "HATE". I did it from my soul, you don't think it's o.k.; BLOW ME!! There are an unknown number of children being solicited every day on the internet, and my words r what's important? I made "HATE" from my heart, your so vein.... you probably think the poem is about you.... Don't flatter yourself. Fuck you, blow me, I am Chris. Thumb TUCKED 4 life. Court cases and money come and go, but honor and pride are hard to find. SUCK MY DIK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

To K- Seriously Important.

There is the PERFECT answer I can give you. Lyrics are below. Listen too it, it will help, a 3 year relationship, may need help in the next one.

Read and re re the words.


I just popped some and I don't know what the were. -j

To My X Love

it's not my mind -repeat x6
not my mind -repeat x6

yo J

and I get a little bit

your veins flow with poison
please acknowledge my present
this precous gift I behold disgaurded like trash
to dominate, it's in your nature, you selfish brat

I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

strange things occuring
happening over and
over and over again
now bitch you are cruelty
you bark your orders with such a degrading dialect

I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
and I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

gonna funk it up

one minute you think you're all this
the next minute you think you're all that
but your playin' with a nova momma didn't show ya
how to take gettin' canned by the man when it's over
I'll be hunting you down
waiting for the payback, your frown
begging me for your mercy
I ain't down with the sympathy you see
and I always remember your tender love
wipe me under the rug
just so you can step on my spine
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x2

(?) inflicted reminds me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I'd like to rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine _please don't make me_ -repeat x2
you're so sweet -repeat x3
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x3
so (?)was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
you're so sweet -repeat x3

you're always right and I'm always wrong
not my mind
that's why you love me so much
not my mind
you're so sweet
not my mind
I love you
you're so sweet
I love you
not my mind -repeat x4

x- Girlfriend #2''s Text Messages, I'll fill in my side later.

Audiy and Kristina, they asked what is up with jims video on Facebook I had no Idea what they were talking about. Said you were breaking down ( The Jimmy video)

I have not gone out to face book and won't why would you put it up if you wanted it to be annonymous? Ur mom saw it too.

I don't even know what it is, don't change on my account. Just asking because I did not know what they wer talking about. You at the hotel yet?

She (my mom) said something this am. I let it go but when 2 other people asked me I thought it must be serious.... Don't say anything to her. ( my mom)

She just said to send the video to your atty. I did not think anything about it untill Kristina and Audy.

---After on the phone she said she was breaking up with me after transferring money into two personal accounts, and waiting until I was in Chicago---

Jim, Guys do not hit on me and it wouldnt matter if they did. This is us, not about someone else. I am not doing so hot with 1 guy why would I attempt 2. (daughter) and I grilled out and we are chilling on the couch. Have fun at the bar.

At Carlos will talk after.

OOMG Jim, Do whatever

Ok, do whatever the fuck you want I will let brenda the travel agent to forget it.

Read your txts jim forget it!

Please let me enjoy dinner with (daughter) no more drama.

Enjoying an evening drama free with my daughter I am sure there will b plenty when you get home.

You can have whatever is left in the accts. Cancelling the appts. Tell Chris I said Hi, sounds like he is a better person than me.

I am going to be gone this weekend. Take whatever U want. I can't take this anymore, I don't hate you, I just don't know who you are anymore.

I am sure I have told you this was my fault and problem.

I Don't hate you, the $ in the account is yours. What comment has K made? I will remove all the bills today.

If it makes you feel beter to think that I have not tried, then fine.

I have no Problem working with you.

It does not matter what I say. In your mind I hate you so it is your reality. U would argue my comments and we would go in circles. U did not want me to see your blog, so I will not go out and look. I know you have a ton of problems and I'm sorry I'm not strong enought to help you through them.

If I lose my job I guess I will have to beg and steal. I can't stop them from firing me. (We work Together.)

I wish things could have been different but we have proven over and over that they can't b. I take full responsibility. Nothing on you.

Ok is this how its going to be all weekend. You have done a great job over the past year making me feel like I'm a bad person. I seriously do not need any more convincing.

We were on the phone untill almost 1AM their time, and why would (SHE my x) be happy?

Good god jim, Quit reacting on emotion. Telling J and J "ur side" is inappropriate and so is waking your son up at 1AM to tell him.

That is family not co workers. They do not need to know the details I'd sides, just the facts. We broke up thats it.

Ok jim.

Each txt you send makes me believe breaking up is the right thing to do.

I am going to grab a few things for (daughter) and I for the weekend. I will handel any loose ends on my own.

Jim u pushed to talk. All of this could have waited till u came home. Don't blame me for failing. I am sure you will be fine. Ur at a Genius level. You'll pass.

Would you please fwd me the email you sent HR so I know what I am dealing with.

What time will you be back?

What? Read what you typed.

Ok I don't need to see the email.

I plan onalking with ( House owner) after I read the contract. If he misrepresented taxes being up to date, we might get out of it. How can I stick you with the house, both our names are on it.

Last time you were going to quit too you didn't care about credit which is it?

Last time we fought when you said u could give a flying fuck about (daughter)

Thats why we need to talk to (owner)

Maybe he will rent it. I am not staying there but if you want to maybe he will rent it to you.

Oh, That makes it better. Anyway, the comment about credit was made during the last fight.

Why have cost of suit and have to find someone to occupy and pay utilities.

No starting to look I can't live in an uncomfortable environment and (daughter) shouldnt have to either. I'm not asking you to leave so whqat choice do I have.

Tour coming through I really don't want to talk about this at work. Sounds like my job may already be at risk.

Stop ordering me. I will call (owner) after work. I want to read the contract first.

She won't be able to give them to me send her an email.

I think the problem was the unhappiness at home. It has been great the last few days. M and I even talked website. I have no prob working with you.

Called who?



But w sad and dr


go to hell


go to hell

Do whatever you want. With my mom, very scandalist! keep your mind going jim its very entertaining!

My mom is finding your comments very disturbing.

and then...

I did this. My mom knows about the appts. She heard me cancel them. I have told her that I feel selfish and weak for not being able to handel our relationship. She knows about the books.

BTW, I'm sorry and wish nothing but good for you.

I don't have the truck keys with me.

Did I leave them in the truck?

IDK about the keys, I hope you have a wonderful life jim.

Your a good person and I realize your hurting right now.

I do care. ut if it makes it easier on you that is fine. U can believe i feel that way.

Done at bank.

I am going to bring (daughter by tomorrow to get some clothes)


Just wanted to let you know. She knows we broke up and that is all she needs to know.

Jim. You need to get it together for your son. He needs you.

He does not need your mom, he needs you. You know your mom can't raise him. I tried to explain and I am sorry. I just dont always want to be the strong one.


I slept the entire day. I kept taking pills and drinking vodka just to stay asleep. I don't want to be awake. I am so alone. The Bipolar makes me feel alone, I've felt alone my whole life, and I sit is this huge house thinking of everything, alone. This is no way to live. I figured out I've become co-dependent since dating Crystal. Before that everything was fine, I actually was alone, by myself and not bothered by it for almost 11 years. Then I went from a 5 year relationship to a 3 year relationship, and I have no friends here, and its hard to even think what to do. I am co dependent. I am so sad, so down, worst every low even over my childhood experiences. My cat is even sad, because she took the others. Of well, Im going to go take some pills and drink some vodka and go back to sleep.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Breakup.

K Just broke up with me, and is moving her stuff from the house. We were supposed to get married june 20th, now shes moving her stuff out. Crazy how life works, It was weeks she went without saying I love you. Jimmy didn't get any attention while he was here. So I have my dad with abnormal brain scans, my mom with lumps in her head we dont know what they are my son got sexually and physically abused, and hher reason was she can't deal with the drama. Can't deal with me and the X fighting over the kid, or all my family drama, and family IM, cant deal with my probblemws, or attitudes. Well fuck it. She admitted she is self centered, and Vain, and just cant be involced in all my life problems to help me fix them.......

Anyway write more later when I can see.......

Right after I dropped Jimmy off

This really is hard. I never want to give him back.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Video Above

This what right after dropping J-dog off. I had a major breakdown in the car, I had to sit for about 5 minutes until I could calm down. I will write tomorrow about everything that happened during the visit.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Lots to write, I'm had J-dog for 6 days, found out he may be being sexually assaulted in his mothers home by her boyfriends son according to him, and the visit is coming to an end. I have TONS to write, the emotional roller coaster has been tremendous, and has taken its toll. Sorry for the MIA but I only have limited time with my son, so I stay off the Computer as much as possible. The pic is my new Tat. 4-4-life.



All I Got To Say...

Saturday, April 11, 2009


I am Jesus, the devil and your last breath. The pressure constricting around your neck at the time of expiration. I will not lose. I am in the dark around every corner, maybe the first and last thing you'll see in the morning. I am in your closet when you get home, or attached to the battery of your car waiting for your entry. The weight tied to your ankle pulling you south as you see the surface of the water slowly get further. I apply the pressure to the lever which ignites the black powder giving birth to a chunk of metal and delivering to it's new home. The reason blood stops pumping, pumps faster, or pumps out. The last word, the final blink, the equal weight on the scale of justice. Glass in your food, air in your vein, sianide in your kool aid. The kerosene, the match, and the one who lock's the pad lock on the outside of your door. I am who you wanted to see last.... I'm here.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Last Night trip to Pick up J-dog for Easter Break


Bad I thought I was going to be all happy, and I was, I got him in the car and he kept telling me how much he loved and missed me which made me feel great. Then he started talking about how the Ex's new boyfriends son beats him up, and they have to share a bed in a small room, they have a small tv, his grandma J yells at him, and burnt him, (he does have a mark across his back the same as from thanksgiving. He called me the X's BF's name, which about killed me. I started breaking down, and although I was VERY happy he was with me, I was so sad, and felt so not in control of the life he lives with her. Everything he said for a 2 hour drive was either, I love you daddy, I miss you and want to live with you forever. and the rest was all the bad things like GMA is mean, Chris is mean to him, the other kids beat him up. He had to give away all his toys and the ones he didn't got broke by the other kids. Mommy is never home. Chris bit him. At this point I took 2 xanax to calm down, I felt I couldn't breath, and fear and anger was over taking me. It just kept going on and on. I had a massive depressive swing and cried all the way home trying to not let him see or hear, until he fell asleep and then I lost it. I got home, took my night time Klonopin, and a Xanax and we played for about an hour and a half, then went to lay down in his bed. I stayed with him so he wouldn't be scared, and we fell asleep watching tv.

Rough Night. Monday when I take him back will be worse.

Rough night.

Just is as Justice Does

question me not, I can't speak, I already asked 4 a lawyer, like last week. good cop bad cop, it's only pork to me, so call me Muslim, I only do beef. sign what, I thought you know what happened first, oh, and i know your wife's name, and where she works. no thanks, I already made my one call, next to an ocean, can't help but feel small. wonder why I know your name, I used to wonder the same. but what you're paid for, I guess I've done, investigation 101. i know your rough/tough and I'm in cuffs, but your son should be home in about.... what? do you still live across from the pool? that's a really long walk from school. i'm just looking out for your safety, I don't wanna do wrong, hope no one makes me. a threat no, what makes you think that, you wanted a statement, I think I gave you that. is that your phone ringing, you may want to open, it could be a kidnapping, or a dead body in the ocean. no problem, I'll wait, I guess we both have a second to find out our fate. oh that was quick, did somebody escape? naw, no problem, must be a big mistake. and thank you for the talking, next time.... look at the shoes I fill before I'm here, for jay-walking.... n....I'm walking -4

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I'm the one you can find, when you are blind. The one that calls you here, when you can't hear. Why you stand and rise, when your paralyzed. The reason you have fate, with no release date. Why you hum along, but never sing a song. Why we'll be together long, after you're gone. I am the fire in your brain, when your burning in the flames. I am the numb reason you have pain....... I AM COCAINE

I am why you crawl at six foot tall, and why you steal and skip meals. I'm why you cook and never eat, why you stink and never think. I'm why your jaw is a see-saw, back and forth like a tweak saw. Why you sweat and why your scared, and your pupils are huge while you stare. Why you return every chance to dance, hand to hand with a man u call your man. Why you suck dick though it's glass, just to get fucked in the ass. Why you lips will never heal, and why your thumbs are made of steel. I am this, and this is that, you are me, and I AM CRACK

If you could breathe my air you'd gasp.

A phone call, a change in what was well if it stayed the same;
A decision, a glitch in precision but who takes the blame;
An outburst, straining to reach a volume unreachable;
A come down, straining to reach a normal untouchable;
As I drowned the pain with anger, I seem to bleed less the more alcohol used to make up the sin I call blood pumping through this empty shell. Every tear shed dries on the mold of fiction you call my face. Every slice cuts deeper into the swivel of my four, usually mistaken as a wrist. Each scream I make from the belly of the beast, is an attempt to cover the noises in my head orchestrated by the devil in my brain. The loss of sanity causes the evaporation of my soul through the liquid in my eyes. I am awake when I sleep and dream when I'm conscious, only to fall unconscious when I wake. Breathe deeper........

My Pic to My Psycologist

Click the pic for a bigger view. Its how I feel most of the time.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Manic Hypersexuality Another Bi-polar Disorder

* Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?
* Do you feel your sexual drive and activity are getting out of control?
* Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?
* Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?
(from Sexual Compulsives Anonymous)

Perhaps you are struggling with hypersexuality. Hypersexuality is an increased need, even pressure, for sexual gratification and is often a symptom of mania. It may also include decreased inhibitions or a need for "forbidden" sex. A forum member in our community described her experiences as follows: "I have a very low sex drive unless I'm manic, in which case I'm willing to do it with anyone or anything, male or female, married or unmarried - all my morals go right out the window. I have gotten myself in serious trouble this way. Aaaagggh!!" Another wrote: "I'll go a few weeks and have to be with my husband every night, sometimes waking him up in the middle of the night if I wake up."

Hypersexuality is one of the things that can ruin a bipolar person's marriage or committed relationship. In these days where sexually transmitted diseases can kill, unrestrained hypersexuality can also be deadly. Not every person who has bipolar disorder experiences this, but for those who do, it may be a serious problem. Finding the right combination of bipolar medications to control mania is an essential step toward keeping hypersexuality from becoming destructive.

Sexual Addiction
However, for some people, the hypersexuality of mania goes even farther and becomes an addiction. Sexual addictions are very real. Jennifer P. Schneider, MD, PhD states that "addiction to sexual activities can be just as destructive as addiction to chemical substances."1 Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., the researcher who first identified sexual addiction as a condition, has estimated that about 8 percent of men and 3 percent of women from the population in the US are sexually addicted. This constitutes over 15 million people in this country alone.2

Unquestionably, sex is an intricate and important part of life. Pick up a book or magazine, turn on the television or radio, log onto the internet, listen to the conversation of friends or lovers, and you will undoubtedly find sexual content. Think of a few adjectives, and at least one of them has probably been used to describe sex - hot, mad, wild, fun, domineering, beautiful, complicated, intense, unrestrained ... see? But since the means of sexual expression vary widely from culture to culture, men to women, individual to individual, an obvious question arises: just what comprises a sexual addiction?

According to The Counseling Affiliates, an addiction is at work when sex becomes shameful, secret or abusive.3 The Mayo Clinic defines sexual addiction as a loss of control and utilizes the word compulsive. "Compulsive sexual behavior refers to spending inordinate amounts of time in sexual-related activity, to the point that one neglects important social, occupational or recreational activities in favor of sexual behavior."4 The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health further illustrates this addiction by outlining several key components: "Compulsivity, that is, loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or to continue; Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences, such as loss of health, job, marriage, or freedom; Obsession with the activity."5

Specific Behaviors of Sexual Addiction
The above are the broad patterns of behavior of sexual addiction. There are also a number of specific behaviors which are common to those who struggle with this addiction. These behaviors include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive sex with prostitutes, anonymous sex with multiple partners (one night stands), multiple affairs outside a committed relationship, frequent patronizing of sexually-oriented establishments, habitual exhibitionism, habitual voyeurism, inappropriate sexual touching, sexual abuse of children, and rape.6 In addition to these, fantasy sex, prostitution, pedophilia, masochism, fetishes, sex with animals and cross-dressing may also be behaviors of the sexual addict.7

It is important to note here that any one of these behaviors in and of itself does not constitute an addiction (though it may constitute deviant or illegal behavior, which is beyond the scope of this article). It is a combination of these behaviors along with the compulsivity previously discussed that comprises a sexual addiction.

When someone wrote to Ask the Bipolar Expert about a bipolar friend addicted to internet pornography, the doctor pointed out that this kind of behavior can be "driven, at least in part, by the physical activation, heightened sensory and sexual interest, and risk-taking that characterize mania." Another celebrated case where sexual gratification overcame all good judgment was that of Mary Kay Letourneau, who had an affair with a 13-year-old boy (see sidebar). Finally, Ask the Bipolar Expert noted that while there have been no systematic studies, there appears to be an unusually high correlation between bipolar disorder and a history of child sexual abuse, which could be explained by the fact that bipolar disorder is so often inherited, and the parent abuser may well have done so due to his or her own manic depression. In these cases, hypersexuality appears to have led to compulsive, reckless, or deviant behavior.

A High Price
Sexual addictions can have a high price: financially, in outrageous charges from prostitutes or phone sex calls; career-wise, if your behavior causes you to lose your job, as could happen, for example, in the case of a person accessing internet pornography on the job; personally, by destroying relationships; and health-wise, if indiscriminate sexual contacts lead to disease. If you are concerned about your own behavior and wonder if you could be struggling with this type of addiction, several online self-tests (see sidebar) are available to assist in determining if you should seek professional advice.

If you are bipolar and experience hypersexuality to a degree that is causing turmoil in your personal life, you need to discuss this with your doctors. If you are determined to have developed a true sexual addiction, then additional sexual counseling/therapy may be necessary in addition to the treatment you are receiving for bipolar disorder.


Untitled, 3 Poemes plus a Freestyle

A first attempt at Trapped, The Storm, and Ecstacy With some freestyle.

Pearl Jam Yellow Led Better

My Cover version of Pearl Jams Yellow Ledbetter. A Great song, I find song helps me channel the bipolar energy the hate and pain into a focused outlet. At least for me. This is one of those songs cause I get to scream and Feel it.

The Sparrows Song Exteneded Emotional

This started as a poem, as you will find down below. Up till now only 4 people heard the song, it was made for me. This is my extended, of the hip emotional version to the classic song written in 1998.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Bi Polar and science. My Psyc.

will be left unedited and corrected for two days. on the scream as the flash occurred.

Front Line of the Rear

====How does the diesel destruct your soul to the point your not home even at home. Why when I'm around people do I feel alone. Why do my palms itch or legs twitch, stomach cramp or just shit. Why does easing the pain cause more hurt. Why do I wear long shirts. Is there a reason I can't stop until I bleed. Why does hatred of a feeling cause a deeper need. What will it take for me to stop killing pain that causes pain. How do I change what makes me. Can my heart beat slower than it did. When the ambulance comes should the rig be hid. When you shiver and shake can you realize that the thing you love is what you despise. When you sweat when your cold and you laugh when you cry do you feel as empty as the spoon near by. If you wont use a q-tip because of other use's do you understand what drug abuse is. If death seems' easier than life is hard and more then your arms are scared should you give up or push further even though the push is what hurt's ya. If your clearest vision is in the dark when you heart won't start is it drama or a question mark....????

Bi Polar and science. My Psyc.

How can he even think he know what I'm going through. Is he bipolar? depressed? panic's? does it run in his family? Has he died? Out of body experiences? What happens to the "sensitive" ones what about people that close to the psychic abilities, to the spiritual world? How about LSD? I know how terrible it is now, but how bout taking it to have religious experiences? OBE's the crazyness I speak, is this his diagnosis? I've died, I've came back, I've travelled the spiritual plane. I'f touched bot sides. The scarry world of a trip to that state, no control, yes the drugs caused it, it was totally induced theese ramblings. The trails in the light, almost jumping froma 3 story window because It looked low.

Oh, Mother is playing. A GREAT Version on the movie.

All those experienced, drug induced, all the things I was running from. The emotions, the fears, the problems, the nightmares, the memories. The Gateway to meditation, spiritually to the other side. to gain knowledge and wisdom of my problems,
why I can't remember my childhood

But a day,
I was in my underware, and a white t shirt in our dining room, when my dad picked me up. he had work clothes and booats on. he had a thermas or lucnhboxs and lifted me with his right arm. He kissed me and went off to work. The next memorie ismy dad is hurt and in the hospital. I didn't get too see him much. hhE SPENT ALOT OF TIME IN THE HOSPITAL, AND ALOT OF TIME ON PAIN PILLS. wE HAD A HOSPITAL BED in our living room. My dayd would always do things with me in my next memories, like play football. And let me hand him tools. My mom, I have my first memories of her yelling at me, Its terrible, and the next is a truck, like a half a cemi, or dumppturck. At a T in the roat that everyone knows. a well know place. and thaats it, till later in school. lIke some of 1st grade, my teacher, some secong grad memories, really none start till 3rd and 4th, the n 5th on I'm pretty good. Let me say, the drugs never caused that. That has bbeen my whole life.

So I wanted to meditate to find the blockage in my memories.
Acid the first time I took it was with friends, we had fun, but I remember the pronound religious effect. and after that I only did it alone. but anyways, it would give me the "medatve" state. I wonder if he knows what I'm talking about. The "3rd" eye. Spiritual in tune. He diagnoses me, he should know. so the trips turned bad one day, and I felt the other side of the awesome reigios experience. I saw the other side, with no control because of the drugss. I had a friend talk to me all night so I could focus to stay alive. I had to think about breating. she talked and my breaths grew shallow, and they quit, I was watching her talk to me from the top corner above the bath tube. I watched for awhile, Total OBE for long periods, in and out of conciousness, in and out of death. the fear of death pulled the panic, I was on the bart part of town if you will. All who have ever plaed with a weegee board, or a seonce, its the same, its all great and happy hippyish, all up to the touch of the evil side. The anger, fear, pain, explosions of soul, not being able to move, disolving and sinking. can He relate to that when he diagnses me? see the drugs fucked me up. I was already touched with a real ingrained ability to have psycic phenomina happen. My faily is full os psychichally gifted peope, from mothers, to grand children. so close to all that psychic energy, to absorb everything around you? Is this the drugs effect on me? do other peopl have thhis felling of spirituall close to the other side? I'm jumping around,maybe "manic" Hes been manic. Im sure they do that it med school. How about the fact that I still have flashbac trips still today from 12 years ago. the fact that everyone is death. the Bad trip, the one I HATE AND CANT CONTROL. is it worth it to fuck up your mind? Is that what I did? or did I fuck up my spirit and now my brain tries to keep the spiritual world bombardment, both good and bad at bay. IS THAT WHY i HAVE PANIC ATTACKS? aM I bIPOLAR BECAUSE mY SIRT IS DETATCED, BECAUSE i TOCHED EVIL, i TOUCHED ANGELS, AND DEAMONS. NOW THEY FIGHT FOR MY SOUL. Litrerally, not in bible verse. I particibate every day. Is that my diagnisis? is that Bipolar? what exactly does he know about the mhow to fix those problems. What I know is what is real to me. I'm not crqazy, I'm a professional, A poet, a Genious as tested, medicines? what has he taken to see if Im bipolar, or sensitivt to spiritual bombardment, or if my bran is altered. How does he know I'm not as smart as he is? My job pays the same. Except I also own another company, and starting another. I'm not the crachead I'm fucked up mind fuck guy down the street. I research. Ii went to college, I still study
I read edicational books for knowledge. Am I mental? am I not? am I normal>? Changing to Darkside of the moon in headpones. Maximize the flashback. a story untold. Who is so complicated. to feel so much in your head
to hear music on a diffrent level. to feel it OMG< total body phase full goosebumps from the lead in from Breeth. An amazing journey. I wonder has he taken this trip. My bipolar, panic,depression everthing was unlocked and probably enhanced or altered by the lsd. but still. that doesen't matter. I want fixed, It doesent matter to any of the other 1000's of patients or clical studies. I m not them. I am me, my experiences,
my emotions,
my spirit
you dont put that in a text book. I do have to give it to them, the pills work, really? or are they just bringing my mind to a halt. so I'M NOT THINKING CLEARLY. musical notes and mathmatics, the fabric of our universe, without the art we fail, withou the knowledge we fail. any intertwined system. do some people read one side but not the other, are some both? are some really far to one side. My mental state may be better casue I can reach that side. If I can control the flashbacjs I fix the panic. If I wern't me I could fix the worthlessness. so I deal, live life a loaner, away and in my own road withe the music to feed me with notes to float around in the layers of sanity, spiritual worlds, not heaven, but hat mid high ground. noth the bad mid low side. As long as you can hold back the demons. Diagnose me. Tell me from that book of treatments. no one is the same, evy one is unique. treat people like cases, If Im a store employee Ill treat you that way when you come to the store. I pay you. I am the patient. I call the shots or I leave. I have control, But I need hlp. I dont wa nt to leave. I want you to understand me as a person. not as a case. thats not what I am. I went years without getting help. to now in the last year 30 some odd years latter I TRY TO GET HELP. Yo need to realize that. its not all fun and games. Life is up and down, and too quick, it all ends, shouldn't it end happy? shouldnt we all be fixed and put in that perfect life we deserve? Is that heaven? do we all get to go there? voices, are they real, are they my thoughts, are the spiritual? Well I know there not real. they are formed in my head, but by thought? or spiritual insight? tell me that doctor. Wee for tonight I must not right anymore, the bad parts are comming notits time to med out, stop the panic. will write more.


You And I Alone inside
This Place I Love to Run And Hide
Where We Can Always Be Alone
No Knocking Doors Or Ringing Phones
Only Us With Time To Spare
As I Gently Caress Your Hair
I'll Kiss You Like It's Our Last Days
Before The Memories Start To Fade
Nothing Here Stays Very Long
It turns To Hate And Bitter Song
Which I Am Left to Face Alone
I regain My Strength And Carry On
To Face The World In Which I Dread
Loneliness Trapped In My Head.

Copyright ©2009

The Storm

The Rain Drips from the overflowing Gutters
Landing atop My head Soaking to the bone
The peace I once had, Knowing I was
protected from the rain, Is now a fading
memory. If only I could go back in time to
when the gutters were not filled with anger
and resentment toward one another. Another
time, where they worked to protect me. It
seems the storm is just too strong. I am no
longer sheilded from it's wrath. At least
the rain will hide the tears, as I watch My
parents say goodbye, Leaving me alone to
drown in the sorrow of the storm.

Copyright ©2009


The Feel of your skin against my hands
Makes me quiver with anticipation
I need to have all of you
Bring you to the edge
That spiritual union of two souls lost in each others body
The things I would do to you can't be explained
You'll have to wait and see, and trust It is all about you
My greatest joy would be taking you there
To that point, no thoughts in our heads but the simple bliss
Chills running down our backs as the moment nears
An eruption of emotions and feelings both physical and mental.
As we lay there starting to come down,
I hold you so close, and gently tickle your body with my fingertips
Making those chills run all over your body
I'm lost in your eyes, and the feelings are so strong.
I now start over and gently tease to the point again
Another release that brings us closer
The ecstasy I feel is you.

Copyright ©2009


Sunday, April 5, 2009

Lyrics translation to the freestyle channeled the other night

Sutdog Freestyle Green Fairy Seeing Visions of life.

Something down the road has got me by my head
Something down the road has got me by my head
Its pulling me away
Makes me wanna say
It has me Everyday
and I Don't know Why
I don't know why
It wants me dead
Something very clear
I see it there each year
And every minute that goes past
I'm Wasting Away Oh again
Oh Again
Something down the Road
Has got me held up by my coat
It won't let, Me run away
I'm Feeling, chased me every day
I'm Tripping, Grabbed me by the arms
Listen to the calls
Bitch I aint the Ark for you
to Float away
Be it everyday.
Oh oh ohhhhhh ohhh ohh yeah
My Words sing Mysterious ways
Every single day it tries to take me away
I Puff the Light till it turns my way
Out of darkness I turn away Yea yeah Oh Yeah
There's Something in my heart
It Drives me very far right to the
Bottom of my soul I feel it
Ripping very cold its feeling hotter as it goes
I don't know what my fucking toes feel like
Any fucking more its got me strangled like a whore
On the bed that laid the sheets to waste
I can feel that anger turn to hate oh yeah
Hating every angle
Hating every word
Hating every Idea
Hating every, every fucking word

Feeling the music

Yo there's something in my heart
That Makes it feel like every part
of my soul, drifts away again
don't let it, Take away the pain
I'll give it right here by my head
I'll catch it, let it go to bed
My body floats to the ground
I see it, angled like I clown
I can't feel it, spiritually inside
I'm touching Jesus on the eyes
I'm flying high as I can go
but then a Angel lets me know
That I'm falling,
Falling to the ground, I'm never
Gonna be around my loved ones
Any fucking more
just a minute your be at hells door
can't you feel it
Anger that you hold
Now you'll use it
Everyone you'll scold with your music
All the heat inside, I'm feelin
Just to melt the side of my feelings
all I have to do, is anger me and you
I open up the case
burn up fucking waste yeah baby
I don't mind the end
My heart is through pen
God stuck in, right into the chest
Baby, You know the rest
Oh you know the rest,
You know the rest
You know the rest
You know the rest

Feel the evil hand that touched me blind
I feel everything Throwing up gang signs
I'm seeing 4 Whoresmen Fucking ride
Its gonna tear out another hide
of this story that I don't wanna see anymore
I'm Gonna preach it on this mother fucking last video, yea
Mother Fuckers wanna come and be down throw that 4 in the air then turn it around
and see, Tell me what the thumb be meaning
Tell me how a mother fucker see him
Tell me how your gonna be breathing
I just sold my soul so I aint fucking leaving
Got my 4 fingers turned at me
Staring at you Mother fucking tell me
What the fuck is the thumb all about
Cause you can't now act you gotta be all down
Little Dikkie boy coming through the door
He's got a 44 Magnum aiming for your fucking nose
Bitches breath and he put it in his chest
he breath it in and blew it out right on your fucking head like
that bitch you don't give a shit ya gettin it
I don't give a mother fucking tip with
I'm gonna tell you to your face
That the Dikkie raped your whore and your mother fucking other race
your mother fucking maniacs inside will take the bitch now shes dead
To the other fucking side to cut up a Mother fucking sun down
Titty time mother fucker open up and bow down now
Still asking you wheres that fucking 4
Tell me mother fucker what that Thumb stands for because
you Can't that means you bout to be rampaged,
I'll give you something to engage its called a 12 Gauge
Right in the bottom of your ass
And Dikkies got the 44 now claming up the Glass for the
9 Millie stole Krause got behind him
Im throwing 4 fucking standing at the pendulum
When it comes down everything is getting cut
Wanna bet at 54 you get shot up
I don't give a fuck, My names Sutdog
I got 4 mother fuckers just lightin me a log
I'm going spit the rhyme till the end of the day
the evil got me inside and did fuckin say
I don't want no help no mother fucking with you
I'll Kill every one of your Mother fucking crew I um
getting sick this shit it don't spit mother fucking
even Dik and my old homies Flag sick, outside of the YTR
hear the sound mother fucker get in the fucking car
I got some drink coolin in the back seat it's milk Kaluha and a little icee
I wish we gonna ride around its day time now
we'll see who wants to get down
I ve still got the dude in the back cause
my 4's in his head and hes about to crack what
See I got to drive em crazy first
I'll never let a hearse take away a perp
no way, no way, no way way
See I got to make em crazy first
I'll let him take the hearse
Then I'll throw him right a gang sign
It won't even be one of me, one of my family, the Whoresemen on the scene
I'll mess it up right now on the little freestyle.

To Be Continued.......

Murphys Sex laws

Murphy’s Laws in sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17.It is always the wrong time of month.

18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22.The younger the better.

23.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

27.There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

28.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

29.Love is a hole in the heart.

30.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

32.Do it only with the best.

33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

34.One good turn gets most of the blankets.

35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

38.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

39.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

41.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

45.Never say no.

46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

51.Love comes in spurts.

52.The world does not revolve on an axis.

53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

55.Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

59."This won't hurt, I promise."

forgot to mention

Cried uncontrollably in the car today after the J-dog incident and realizing I wasn't getting my son. I was on my way to have a factor 5 blood test done, and never made it, I got really depressed, took a xanax to calm down, then went manic, and shopped. Today was not a great day. I miss my little man.

Dictation of self

To my bro.

NEVER will circumstance dictate who you are. Look at old circumstances? did they dictate? No, they shaped, or played a part, but you are how you are. the circumstances at this point are all extra. you are on such a high level that the circumstances are very small compared to your thoughts, feelings, and visions. CONSULT THE GREAT guitar, or the freestyle rap, do it for yourself, get in the right state of mind, meditate, then begin. It will all come out in due time. Call me bro if you need anything.

Sensless Sensibility

Well today My X decided instead of being able to pick up my 4 year old for Easter on Tuesday, now she moved it to Thursday, nothing I can do because it is the end of the school term, even though he is in preschool. He has been talking about death a lot,and about his bad grandma, I'll have him for 4 days, I'm trying to get him into a child Psychologist so when he comes back in the summer they can continue and figure out what I can do to help him out. I bought him a ton today (very manic) so he is stocked on toys, furniture, a computer, etc. everything he will need. Sorry I haven't really started writing yet, its been busy, and I've been preparing for him to get here. I will transcribe all the lyrics from the last guitar freestyle and then break it all down so that everyone can feel me on that freestyle, I was very down, and out of body. I'll try to get to that tomorrow I hope it will all work out. My GF and I had the whole day but it seemed as like we didn't even see eaach other, then she went to bed. She leaqves tomorrow for training.

My state is: Klonopin, Xanax, lamatrogine Lunesta, 1/2 bottle Chantai wine, Lexapro, Oxycodon, and tramadol.


So...... I went to see what needed seen, and.... I saw. I never understood looking at what some one tries to make you perceive, even though we both know it's perception. But I always look to the future, though my shades reflect my past. My truth is made of fiction because in your world it don't exist. (excuse my diction, I'm pissed) So I ask a question to the DOGG...............
At what point does circumstance have a right to dictate who you are?
..............and like a bad golf swing.........4

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Water is Cold and Deep

I first want to thank the insane people that let the man who started this blog continue to walk the streets with the rest of society. I also want to thank the the criminal justice system for making criminals out to be better than they, without you I would feel bad for the things I have done. I only sleep at night because you can. Then I'd like to thank the usual; god, my Mom, the county in which I went to high school, and all the other special people in my life..... I hope to see you all soon, if I haven't already made that visit. This is my story for this day.........

Can the one you love be taken, right in front of your eyes?
If it already happened, would you let it happen twice?
What if you had to die, knowing that you tried?
Can you drowned yourself, in tears you cry?
Does pain, make you close your eyes?
Am i different, or is it just pride?
Can I be swallowed, not rise?
Or follow, and not ride?
Certain things may make you test how far you'll have to go.
There's reasons for the things you stand for, and you know.
just anger,
both are
so true.
2 me
a 4

Thursday, April 2, 2009

CRAZY Prophetic Guitar Freestyle Channeling Alive and Dead People.



I just had a total, religious / prophetic experience. Everything above is freestyle guitar for an hour. I was out of body full trip. I channeled, Dik, His Dad, Me, a Murdered Guy And My angry Me. Listen for the changes in the song for each character. Also listen for the DIK Talking parts through my body. J-Dogg in my heart, the paths the same, how bad Dik needed his dad, How Bad I Need J-Dogg, how to learn the game, learn the slang, fuck the gangs, it is a gang but on a spiritual level. the symbolicness of 4, I mean really:


4 is the logical,musical,atheletic, mathatmatic, spititual, emotional number.

The symbolic meanings of the number four are linked to those of the cross and the square. 'almost from prehistoric times, the number four was employed to signify what was solid, what could be touched and felt. Its relationship to the cross (four points) made it an outstanding symbol of wholeness and universality, a symbol which drew all to itself'. Where lines of latitude and longitude intersect, they divide the earth into four proportions. Throughout the world kings and chieftains have been called 'lord of the four suns'...'lord of the four quarters of the earth'... by which is understood to the extent of their powers both territorially and in terms of total control of their subjects' doings.


In Western Music, common time is constructed of four beats.


Four is the smallest composite number, its proper divisors being 1 and 2. Four is also a highly composite number. The next highly composite number is 6.

Four is the second square number, the second centered triangular number.

4 is the smallest squared prime (p2) and the only even number in this form. It has an aliquot sum of 3 which is itself prime. The aliquot sequence of 4 has 4 members (4,3,1,0) and is accordingly the first member of the 3-aliquot tree.

Only one number has an aliquot sum of 4 and that is squared prime 9

The prime factorization of four is two times two.

Four is the smallest composite number that is equal to the sum of its prime factors. (As a consequence of this, it is the smallest Smith number). However, it is the largest (and only) composite number n for which (n - 1)!\ \equiv\ 0 \ ({\rm mod}\ n) is false.

Four rules: addition, subtraction, multiplication, division.


In Expressing love, "4" may be used to replace the word "Love" (143).


All insects with wings except flies have four wings.

Valency of carbon (that is basis of life on the Earth) is four. Thanks to its tetrahedral crystal bond structure diamond (one of the natural allotropes of carbon) is the hardest known naturally occurring material. It is also the valence of silicon, whose compounds form the majority of the mass of the Earth's crust.

There are four basic states of matter: solid, liquid, gas, and plasma.

The four elements of alchemy were earth, air, fire and water.

Four food groups (Meat products, dairy products, grain products, and fruits/vegetables). Note that this traditional model is falling out of favour, as fruits and vegetables became separate groups in the 1992 USDA food guide pyramid. Also, refined fats and sugars constitute another group (traditionally considered non-essential).

There are four fundamental forces (electromagnetism, gravity, the weak nuclear force, and the strong nuclear force).

Aristotle held that there are basically four causes in nature: the efficient cause, the matter, the end, and the form.

Four Temperaments: sanguine, choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic.

Greek classical elements (fire, air, water, earth).

Four suits of playing cards: hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades.

Four seasons: spring, summer, autumn, winter.

Four parts of a day: night, morning, afternoon, evening.

Four cardinal directions: north, south, east, west.

Four Corners is the only location in the United States where four states come together at a single point: Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona.


The Four Arch Angels in Islam are: Jibraeel (Gabriel), Mikaeel (Michael), Izraeel (Azrael), and Israfil (Raphael)

The Tetragrammaton is the four-letter name of God.

Four is the sacred number of the Zia, an indigenous tribe located in the United States State of New Mexico.

The Chinese, the Korean and the Japanese are superstitious about the number four because it is a homonym for "Death" in their languages

The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism.

The Four Species (lulav, hadass, aravah and etrog) are taken as one of the mitzvot on the Jewish holiday of Sukkot. (Judaism)

The Four Cups of Wine to drink on the Jewish holiday of Passover. (Judaism)

The Four Questions to be asked on the Jewish holiday of Passover. (Judaism)

The Four Sons to be dealt with on the Jewish holiday of Passover. (Judaism)

The Four Expressions of Redemption to be said on the Jewish holiday of Passover. (Judaism)

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride in the Book of Revelation.

Four horsemen of the Apocalypse: war, famine, pestilence, death.
Cardinal principles

Four canonical Christian Gospels, attributed to the Four Evangelists (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John)

Four Noble Truths in the Buddhist religion.

Four rivers in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:10–14): Pishon (perhaps the Jaxartes or Syr Darya), Gihon (perhaps the Oxus or Amu Darya), Hiddekel (Tigris), and P'rat (Euphrates)


In baseball, 4 represents the second baseman's position.

In basketball, 4 represents the power forward position. Also, The term Final Four refers to the last four teams remaining in the NCAA playoff tournament. If a player completes a three-pointer while being fouled, the player is awarded one free-throw for a possible 4-point-play.

In football (soccer), number 4 is often assigned to a centre back.

In ice hockey, the "4 hole" is the space between a goaltender's glove-side arm and his glove-side leg.


It has been a rough night for me. I worked until 8:00 and came home. Kate went to sleep about 9. I got some food and sat down to add some stuff to the new blog. I'm a little disappointed with the way the DR appt went today, I did however get my glasses ordered finally so I can pick them up tomorrow. Im in a down swing, I get my son next week that makes me happy, but the rest of live is shit right now. Not sure how my relationship or if it is going to work. I'm pilled up, and drinking vodka. 3 days an entire bottle again. It sux. I have been keeping in touch with Angel in Face Book and IM so that keeps me going, She is always a great person to talk to, a good listener, and always makes me laugh so its hard to be down around her. Well, Its getting late, I need to pop the old sleeping pill, take this last shot and try to sleep more than 3 hours. To all my real Homies, you know who you are, I love you all, and thank you for the support.


Generosity Test

Give and take is part of any relationship. The unspoken agreement to lean on your lover in exchange for your support at another time is part of what makes being in a relationship desirable over being alone.

As a lover, you are expected to give to fulfill your partner's needs and wishes. In return you should ideally experience what it is like to be given to. Your score and the results of this test refer to the role you fulfill in your current relationship. This is not a trait that you necessarily exhibit throughout life, but rather a style or role you have adopted for your present situation. Despite the fact most of us follow a general trend throughout our lifetime, the interaction with our partner can significantly influence our position--we may be reacting to or leading our partner's behavior. In fact, your style can be seen as a cocktail that gets shaken and stirred whenever you begin a new relationship or even when the dynamics of your current relationship change significantly. The essence may remain the same, but the added ingredients, flavors and garnishes change its taste.

In general terms, the healthiest alternative is to reach a certain balance between giving and taking. Couples who strike a balance are more likely to go with the flow, taking a little when they feel the need and giving when they feel they have something to offer their partner. Such a relationship is a healthy one -- both partners are comfortable with themselves, are able to identify their own needs and desires and can act on these feelings with the understanding that their partner will recognize their need and fulfill it. A couple that balances the giving and taking are two people working together to make a stronger whole.

However, love does not necessarily require the give-take division to be perfectly equal, nor does it specify what works and what doesn't. Every couple is different and what works for one may throw another pair off balance. What is most important is that the distribution satisfies both partners. Keep this in mind as you check out your score...

Results of the Giver Test

Your score = 85




What does your score mean?

You are a giver extraordinaire! Perhaps you obtain enjoyment by constantly providing your partner with tokens of your love. Maybe your rewards come from the gratitude you receive after having given to your partner. Or maybe the act itself is amply fulfilling. Whatever the reason, it's great as long as you remain happy in this position. Giving is a beautiful thing if your offerings are well received and appreciated.

But any extreme has its possible drawbacks. And as a persistent giver there are many things you should watch out for. You may be putting your lover's needs and wants in front of your own in your desire to please. It feels nice at first to give and to see your partner appreciate your offers, but eventually this sense of well being may die if your mate gets into the habit and expects (or feels entitled to) your nice gestures-without giving in return. Don't let yourself become trapped in such a pattern with your partner if it no longer gives you joy, or even worse, if you start experiencing resentment and frustration. Give only because you truly WANT to -- not because you feel obliged to or want something in return.

Being a 100% giver in a relationship may backfire for you or your partner. It could leave your partner as the taker in the relationship, which may or may not be what s/he is comfortable with. For some people, receiving is a joy that invokes the urge to give back with the same gusto. With two such people together, a fantastic relationship full of reciprocated generosity can develop. But for others, being showered with attention and love feels great at first but may become suffocating over time. And then there are those individuals who simply enjoy being treated like royalty, come to expect such treatment, and don't give a second thought to the fact that they might give something in return. Whether such partners are simply clueless or truly selfish, you should beware, since you could miss out on the joys of being on the receiving end of a relationship.

And being a reluctant giver can cause you to suffer from pent up feelings of frustration. Only give when you truly wish to...

My About Sensuality Test Results

Sensuality is to be acutely aware of what the senses perceive. This preoccupation or devotion to that which is smelled, touched, heard, tasted, and seen has some bearing on how one experiences life…and sex.

Studies have shown that people who are exceptionally sensual are very process-oriented. In life, this means enjoying the present moment and not always being hung up on the future or the past. What is going on around at the present moment is enough to capture the sensual individuals full attention. This is an excellent recipe for happiness. In matters of sex, being process-oriented means NOT being driven by the goal of orgasm. Instead it means enjoying sex for the experience itself, basking in the actual act and not driving to a climactic finish.

Results of the Sensuality Test

Sensuality Index
Your score = 87

What does your score mean?

You are one sensual human being! You are titillated by the sensual stimuli of everyday life. The smell of flowers, the sensation of silk against the skin, the taste of food, the sound of music, and the rich colors of life tickle and tease you to ecstasy. Yours is a hedonistic attitude, and you deeply enjoy the physical pleasures that life has to offer. This is great-a good smell or beautiful color is often enough to keep a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

You are into long, emotional lovemaking (which is usually followed by an earth-shattering orgasm). This is fabulous for you and one would wager that your partner doesn't mind either!

Your senses are also inextricably linked to your emotions and certain sensual stimuli can evoke strong feelings. Therefore you tend to be emotionally passionate.

Because you get so much pleasure from your senses, you are eager to experiment in life. This is positive since you can make great discoveries and experience a lot of pleasure. However, being pleasure-driven can sour you from persevering if an experience isn't entirely pleasant. If that's your case, your lack of persistence might be keeping you from attaining worthy goals (sometimes it is necessary to wade through dull and insipid periods of life).

But most importantly, remember that 'too much of a good thing' can be harmful. People who delight is sensual pleasures are at a slightly increased risk for addictions (substance, sex, love, etc.). So keep yourself in check. Careless sex, too much chocolate, and fine wine can all be wonderful in reasonable doses. And though they induce pleasure, too much can lead to your demise.

All in all, you have the innate ability to use your senses to enjoy what this life has to offer!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Missing Homies and old Friends

Keep Your Head up. Even Angels get sad sometimes.

You always have a friend in me.

Love and Miss U

Dr Appt Today.

Kinda went OK. A little sad, we didn't move any further just cause I had my sleeping pills switched. He wants to work me off of xanax and move to 400 MG of Lamictal. And 2 MG of Klonopin only.

We will see how it goes, next time he wants Kate to come and talk to him also. I think he talks down to me sometimes and thinks I'm making things up. Maybe Kates talk will help, maybe not, whatever, fuck it.