Monday, March 11, 2002

Journal Entry

I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.