Thursday, August 3, 2000

Journal to Michelle

Whats up... I just wanted to write this to you to come clean about evertything that has been going on lately... Fist off, let me tell you the reason I never told you any of this is because I am a pretty shy person. I guess the reason is from having my heart broke once, and the fact that I get real strong psychic influences....... Some people may say it's a gift, but Sometimes I think it is more of a nightmare... An example is , When I meet someone for the first time, before they even say a word, I can tell what kind of person they are, and if I will like them or not.... Sounds cool, but It isn't, because that also means everytime I have ever fell in love, I mean tru love, (which is two times now) It has been at first sight. I can see the whole relationship, and see how it could be, And the potential that it has. The down side is that I don't know how to put those feelings into words.... It is so hard for me to make anykind of first moves, or anything like that. Soo... it ends up, that I can't tell you how I feel, The only way to tell you is to show you, but unfortunatley, its hard to just say, hey, let me show you how much I love you... It Just doesn't work that way.......

We have talked about steph, and yes I loved her and still love her with all my heart, but .. The potential I saw with you totally overrode anything we ever had..... But, Tonight, I see I don't got a chance, and thats cool... I mean, I know it's my fault, It always is, But the look in your eyes when you were with that dude, just made me accept that the feelings I was having were true. I wanted to see that look for me, but, I guess no matter what I do, It's not going to happen...
Jenny told me that the only reason you came out was to see him too.. so That was just the icing on the cake... I'm sorry, for thinking I had a chance... It's the astrology charts that thow me every time........ It looked so good I thought it couldn't go wrong... I guess this just proves that nothing is for sure..... I'm going to send a copy of the chart so you can see what I was going by....

It kinda sucks Michelle, because every emotion I have comes from feeling, not thought... I'm just sorry, I mistook the feelings... I won't lie.. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you..... I saw my live with you planned out to the end...... I hate the whole venus in pisces in the 5th house thing I got going on in my chart, because it stands for self sacrifice in relationships......... Which is getting old...

I know you will love me one day... Every girl I know always does just because I can understand them and relate toi what they are going through..... I just wanted you to be diffrent... I didn't want you to fall into that "best Friend love" I wanted to really get into you.... But.. Since It won't happen that way, I just want you to know I am still here for you, and I'll still be your best friend.......

I Don't have a very high self confidence level when it comes to girls, And tonight I saw I was just kidding myself feeling comfortable with you....... I know In my heart, I could be the best thing in the world for you, but in my head, I know, I don't got a chance......

It's been 4 years since my heart was broken.. and I do need to thank you for showing me, (even though you didn';t know).. That it could be so much better.... You brought me out of the heart ach....,, I wish sometimes I wasn't so damn sensitive, but I know I can't change it so I just got to deal with it........

I want you to know exactly how I felt though, just so you don't accept any less... I will be happy for you if you are happy, as long as you are being treated like you deserve.... Like candlelight dinners for 2, And 3 when jacobs up.... Bubblebaths, holding you so close at night just to feel you breath.. rubbing fingers through your hair, untill you go to sleep.... kissing you from head to toe...... flowers for no reason..... and sex with the only purpose of making you realize how much you are loved and how you can touch a persons soul......

Anyways though.. I'm drunk, and this is getting long, so please just do me the favor of reading the chart I send you just so you can read it and tell me what I did wrong.. I live by the charts and I just need to know if they are bullshit or not....,, I can't base my live around something I believe to be so true, if it's all a bunch of crap......

I won't be comming to raoadhouse that much anymore just because I know when I'm not drunk tomarrow, and I realize I sent this I will wish I never,.... And I also don't want you to be uncomfortable at all....... I saw the look. and it was for the dude you were with.. It seems like he is who you want, and who you need to get your spirits up again..., so I will just step out of the picture and not bug you any more..... I will still be your friend though, and you got my number if you ever need anything........


I Love You Michelle... and I know you you will say, how can I say I love you when we hardley even know each other, But. Trust me I know you.... I know everything about you.. I can read you like you wouldn't believe.... That is how I Know That I Can say I love you.....

And Ireally think you can do the same with me..... That's why I said I love how you can read me the other day..... Your the first person in my life that I ever thought could tell what I was feeling..........

Good Night Sweetie... And please, Don't feel weird about this mail... It isn't meant to make it weird, and it isn't to make you feel bad or anything like taht... I just needed to get it off my chest, and to be honest.. your the only person I trust to say it to.....
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