Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Day 2

A little girl, in a window, pounding to get out, How many times had Jimmy done that to get his moms attention?  Day 2 is psychotic.  The thoughts of the day are bleek, court with Crystal, my deadly thread.  Bound together to her by Jimmy, yet she keeps me away.  I am Tense, tense with anticipation about the day, the night, will I live, another day.
The Spiral continues, dragging me down like a bathtub ejecting water, a spiral tornado, sucking the life.  My mind, open, to the heavens, asa if my head was split open, I sit to see the sun, my spiritual connection lingers on.  I search the plains, I look to the 4 corners, I tempt faTE one more time, To bring me closer to you.   I love you Jimmy.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Donward spiral

I'm starting the spiral of depression that goes with my Bipolar.  Major depressive disorder I guess.  It just sux, I want to be alone, do nothing, I have no ambitions, no feelings, nothing that matters when these strike.  I had a panic attack the other day.  Trix66 helped me out awesome, she just grabbed me up and held on to me tight telling me it was all going to be ok.  That is what I tried to tell Kate back in the day, it works really good, Kate just didn't give a fuck I guess, she never acted like she Was doing it to help, it was more like she felt obligated, or it was a burden to her.  I guess I learned lessons through it all though.  I am in a better place,  I am close to Jimmy, and She never really knew me anyway.  T^he plan to jet, so calculated.  All I miss from Iowa is my job.

Hanging out with Trix is awesome, she feels me, she understands, and is there for me.

Crystal is a bitch.  I haven't talked to my son since August 5th, his birthday, except for 2 times.  Another major trigger for the downslide.  I notice it already, all I want to do is sleep, be in quiet places and not think, emotionless, white paper is all I think of.  Trix will see a major swing, I guess we will see how she handles it compareds to my past experiences.  Someone has to accept it and help me.  I can't take having everyone from crystal to my family not understanding what I'm going through.  The Manic stage ended yesterday with me buying 2 instruments with money I shouldn't have spent.   Its all downhill from here!

My new instruments.

I just got a new Bass and a new Acoustic Guitar, awesome!


Leg Cramps at night.

I got switched up on Meds and now I get leg cramps in my calves almost every night.  They wake me from sleeping and hurt like a bitch.  Has anyone ever had this happen?  It really sux.  the meds are called symbrax.   But, I was getting them before the change to so I'm not sure what the problem is.  I take vitamins, I eat.  All I know is they are so bad it hurts in the daytime after the cramps in the night.  I looked on the web.  Maybe I just need more water.

My Song to the past. Lyrics to a Limp Bizcut song says it all.

Fuck you.

it's not my mind -repeat x6
not my mind -repeat x6

yo J

and I get a little bit

your veins flow with poison
please acknowledge my present
this precous gift I behold disgaurded like trash
to dominate, it's in your nature, you selfish brat

I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

strange things occuring
happening over and
over and over again
now bitch you are cruelty
you bark your orders with such a degrading dialect

I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
and I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

gonna funk it up

one minute you think you're all this
the next minute you think you're all that
but your playin' with a nova momma didn't show ya
how to take gettin' canned by the man when it's over
I'll be hunting you down
waiting for the payback, your frown
begging me for your mercy
I ain't down with the sympathy you see
and I always remember your tender love
wipe me under the rug
just so you can step on my spine
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x2

(?) inflicted reminds me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I'd like to rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine _please don't make me_ -repeat x2
you're so sweet -repeat x3
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x3
so (?)was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
you're so sweet -repeat x3

you're always right and I'm always wrong
not my mind
that's why you love me so much
not my mind
you're so sweet
not my mind
I love you
you're so sweet
I love you
not my mind -repeat x4

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Broken Spirit

My spirit is falling.
I get drunk and stoned to make them go away. 
It masks the problems, too hard to handel.
Broken spirit, my broken self with my broken spirit.
Bend me, shape me, anyway you want.
My spirit is broken, the hustler, Broken.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


All I ever needed was for you to love me.
All I ever needed was for you to hold me,
All i ever wanted was for you to hug me.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me,

I sit in the 4 walls, blood runs down as I slit my wrists, pain, a sense I feel no more. 
I see the otherside, still watching the ground fill with blood.

All I needed was you.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My walking Papers

Major Depressive Disorder.

Fuck the phony, Ride the pony
The Dog in the house
Bitches fucking blow me.
Don't hate me as I stay behind and cry.

Trip Pic from the other night. Goes w/ From Kerri

I Drew this. It is astrology symbols for the moment of my feelings flowing to paper. I guess you could Say Its coded.

From Kerri, The First Chapter

I Sit Upon the stones and see the creatures up,
Inside of me. Daemons twist, the full moon bright.
See you, you must die tonight. The Demons up inside of me, they tell me what to do.
Hold strong, prepare, the uncharted lies ahead.
From demon tongues to Sutton brain, we are one, seething the Ecstasy and loving ever more.


The twisting and turning, space and time.
My head about to explode, pulling my spirit from my body.

I feel it twist through the synapses, along the serotonin levels of time
to begin to make me "Normal" The label I heave been given.
Electric shocks, bolts of lightning from my brain, fire rapidly.

A pain and despair I cannot help. For fire lights my spirit, and electric is my sword.
Remove from me this crown of hate for it binds in the lightning, and may not strike, but only myself.
I am one.

A synapse.

Friday, September 4, 2009


BiPolar Information

Bipolar Disorder Overview

Bipolar disorder (BD) is a type of mood disorder. Bipolar disorder was called manic depression in the past, and that term is still used by some people. It is a psychiatric illness that causes major disruptions in lifestyle and health.

  • Everyone has occasional highs and lows in their moods. But people with bipolar disorder have extreme mood swings. They can go from feeling very sad, despairing, helpless, worthless, and hopeless (depression) to feeling as if they are on top of the world, hyperactive, creative, and grandiose (mania). This disease is called bipolar disorder because the mood of a person with bipolar disorder can alternate between two completely opposite poles, euphoric happiness and extreme sadness.

  • Symptoms of both mania and depression sometimes occur together, in what is called "mixed state."

  • The extremes of mood usually occur in cycles. In between these mood swings, people with bipolar disorder are able to function normally, hold a job, and have a normal family life. The episodes of mood swings tend to become closer together with age.

  • When a person is in the grip of this disease, chaos can occur. Bipolar disorder can cause major disruption of family and finances, loss of job, and marital problems.

  • Severe depression can be life-threatening. It may be associated with thoughts of suicide, actual acts of suicide, and even acts of homicide in some cases.

  • Extreme mania can lead to aggressive behavior, potentially dangerous risk-taking behaviors, and homicidal acts.

  • A number of people with bipolar disorder may turn to drugs and alcohol to "self-treat" their emotional disorder, resulting in substance abuse and dependence.

Most people start showing signs of bipolar disorder in their late teens (the average age of onset is 21 years). These signs may be dismissed as "growing pains" or normal teenage behavior. On occasion, some people have their first symptoms during childhood, but the condition can often be misdiagnosed at this age and improperly labeled as a behavioral problem. Bipolar disorder may not be properly diagnosed until the sufferer is 25-40 years old, at which time the pattern of symptoms may become clearer.

Bipolar disorder occurs in both men and women. About 5.7 million people in the United States have the disorder. There is no racial group that is more afflicted by this disease.

Because of the extreme and risky behavior that goes with bipolar disorder, it is very important that the disorder be identified. With proper and early diagnosis, this mental condition can be treated. Bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that will require proper management for the duration of a person's life.

Bipolar Disorder Symptoms

Mania and depression are the opposing phases in bipolar disorder.

  • Mania: A person in the manic phase may feel indestructible, full of energy, and ready for anything. Other times that person may be irritable and ready to argue with anyone who tries to get in the way.

    • Unrealistic plans, spending sprees, an increase in sexual affairs, or other reckless behavior, such as wild driving, also may occur.

    • Less sleep and food than usual are needed.

    • The person with mania can stay up all night but may find that not much was accomplished because he or she was easily distracted.

    • The person in a manic phase may talk very quickly and jump from subject to subject. They often exhibit pressured speech during mania.

    • Self-esteem may be inflated.

    • Decisions regarding business and finances are often made hurriedly and without careful consideration; poor choices may be the result.

    • Clothing choices may also change, and the person in a manic phase may start wearing brighter, more flamboyant clothes.

    • These behaviors, which can be quite upsetting, usually prompt a family member to take notice and try to get the person help.

    • Most people who are going through the manic phase of bipolar disorder deny that anything is wrong with them and refuse to see a medical professional.

    • They are grandiose and may have delusions (false ideas) of grandeur (greatness).

  • Depression: Although mania is said to alternate with depression, most people have more depressive episodes than manic ones.

    • Sadness and crying spells are common.

    • People who are depressed may not care enough to wash or comb their hair, change clothes, or even get out of bed in the morning.

    • These people may sleep too much (hypersomnolence) or have difficulty getting to sleep (insomnia).

    • Many of these people have no interest in food or have no appetite and lose weight. However, some eat excessively.

    • People with depression have trouble thinking; they may forget to do important things such as paying bills because they feel so down.

    • They withdraw from friends.

    • Hobbies that used to bring pleasure suddenly hold no interest for people who are depressed.

    • Depression brings feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, pessimism, and worthlessness.

    • Some people may develop chronic pain or other bodily complaints that do not actually have any physical cause.

    • People who are depressed may not see a point in living anymore and may actually think about ways to kill themselves.

  • Some people with bipolar disorder cycle between the two extremes every few months or weeks. Other people with bipolar disorder may cycle several times within the same day.

  • Signs of mania

    • Increased activity and gestures (pacing, tapping feet)

    • Inflated self-esteem

    • Poor judgment

    • Racing thoughts

    • Decreased need for sleep

    • Poor temper control

    • Irritability

    • Pressured speech: The person speaks very fast, as if his or her mouth can't keep up with the rapid thoughts. The person may be unable to respond to social cues to stop talking.

    • Increased activities with high risk of painful consequences (sexual affairs, gambling, risky investments)

    • Psychotic symptoms

      • Delusions (false beliefs)

      • Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't real)

  • Signs of depression

    • Excessive worry

    • Excessive guilt

    • Sadness, crying spells

    • Loss of energy

    • Change in sleep pattern (insomnia at night, daytime sleepiness, or excessive sleeping)

    • Major changes in appetite or weight

    • Feelings of worthlessness

    • Trouble concentrating

    • Social withdrawal

    • Lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities

    • Thoughts of death or suicide: Untreated bipolar disorder has a 15% risk of death by suicide.

  • Many conditions may co-occur with BD such as substance abuse, conduct disorders, eating disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, migraine, and anxiety.


Fuck the Phony
Ride the pony
The dog in the house
Bitches fuckin blow me
Don't hate me while I stay behind and cry.

Writings in The notebook from Kerri

From Kerri,
I sit upon the stones, and see the creatures
Up inside of me, Demons twist, the full moon bright
To you, you must die tonight.

The demons up inside of me, tell me what to do
Hold strong, prepare, the uncharted lies ahead.
From demon tongues to Suttons brain we are one
Seething, The exstacy for loving ever more.

Page 1`

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Still remaining still
Clear sky expanding overhead
Loud madness echoes
from in between dreams; the walls in my head
As I am exasperating
Trying not to die
Gasping for a breath
Wind blowing coolly revives the resuscitated efforts
Feel alive again
A dying soul, filled with guilty pleasure
Demands are meek
Found I'm falling, fast and deep
Jumping from the ledge
of the door,
Vast blue blanket of atmosphere
Clear as the process of thoughts in my head
Hum-drum conundrum
Know what I have to do
Paces and steps and
shoots and ladders
Climbing slowly to the top
with a different breed of family
beside me
walking the line that trips me again
and again
No longer will happen.
The past, has come to an end.
Lifted, gifted, thoughtful and thorough
I break these chains for new ones
Bound down
But won't hit the ground
Because the past is over.