Monday, December 14, 2009

Don't




You dont have to hold me close
And whisper in my ear
How you love how I do certain things to you.
You don't have to speak
When I ask you a question
Dodge the bullet
Divert to something else.
You don't have to look at me
And listen to my ramblings
Or acknowledge that I am here
Except to pass the blunt and Absolut.
I asked if you love me, you said yes
Now it is me that has to show it.
The spoils of war are seldom great
A Life passes that needs forgotten.
Deep in the selfish hands of reality
Lies truth and understanding
A thought that flashes in a single moment.
Please don't, It is more then can be handled.

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Thank you.

Me according to my doctors.

I am, Bipolar Type II with Psychotic tendencies, massive depression disorder, agoraphobic, paranoia disorder, anxiety disorder with extreme panic.


My Meds now are Xanax, Klonopin, Lamictal, Lexapro, Lithium, Seroquel. Oxycontin and oxycodone.

This is according to my doctors.

Pain

Fuck the Phony
Ride the pony
The dog is in the house.
Bitches Fuckin blow me.
Don't hate me while I stay behind and cry.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Just For You.....Trying to Heal the Wounds, Erase the Scars and Get the "F" on with it....So, let;s do this....


We heal each other, 
Slowly, we move along
But the only thing that could reopen that wound
Is the dust you hold in your palm...


Fixing me, as I fix you, 
Together, with fingers laced - 
and heads down, 
We kiss as we consume.

Looking only for the sunshine now, 
I'll try to push those clouds away
Shine the sunlight on your visions
Because now is here now
And today is your day
Let's clear our heads
And open the door to the road that lies ahead
Nothing dismal in the future for us
Keep our eyes open; 
Head Clear
and mind; focused
And prove (just because we can)
That we'll rise above all the mess....
Fuck the Valley, let's build a house next to Chris  :)
You know that I got you
At your side, and holding your back.....
All My Love, 
Trix

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Back From Chris' house.

Had an awesome time, can't wait to go back, I miss my brother.  I miss my job at TEA, also, winter blues are already hitting me.  I need to figure out what to do.  I get jimmy tonight so that is cool.  Grandma H Died today in 1998.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Page from a notebook



Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Got up and screamed fuck the world

Feeling odd need to go take my meds.  Cant seem to stay awake during the down swings.  Going to see my little Hommie tomorrow I should be happy.  I have a little anxiety but all will be well.  Depressed today, need it to be summer and warm again,  Winter Sucks.  I'm going to see if Kerri will let me use her car.  I need to get out and clear thoughts to 2PAC.  I am Cramped and loosing air.  I need to get outside.  Maybe walking is better like I did in Mt. P, who knows.  Blunt to the head, maybe take the gun out to target shoot.


Peace,
The Mentor
Sutdog 69
-4- Whoresmen.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Demon Twist

Up inside of me the demons twist
the ful moon bright
to you, you must die tonight.
Hold Strong. Prepare. The uncharted lies ahead.
From Demon toungs to Sutdogs Brain. we are one, seething.
In Exstacy for loving ever more.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Painted Face


Each phone call beneficial to the one on the other end.  Who does the rock with the weight of the world on his back lean on.  Happy voice and the positive attitude is just the paint on the face of  one devestated.  I built myself to adapt, but hate what I created.  Miles seperate those who need to be close, yet I'm more distant from those in the next room.  My heart aches when I can't heal a friends heart ache, it's pain I learned to consume.  A costume of success covers a soul so depressed, so I excell while I regress.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Day 2

A little girl, in a window, pounding to get out, How many times had Jimmy done that to get his moms attention?  Day 2 is psychotic.  The thoughts of the day are bleek, court with Crystal, my deadly thread.  Bound together to her by Jimmy, yet she keeps me away.  I am Tense, tense with anticipation about the day, the night, will I live, another day.
The Spiral continues, dragging me down like a bathtub ejecting water, a spiral tornado, sucking the life.  My mind, open, to the heavens, asa if my head was split open, I sit to see the sun, my spiritual connection lingers on.  I search the plains, I look to the 4 corners, I tempt faTE one more time, To bring me closer to you.   I love you Jimmy.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Donward spiral



I'm starting the spiral of depression that goes with my Bipolar.  Major depressive disorder I guess.  It just sux, I want to be alone, do nothing, I have no ambitions, no feelings, nothing that matters when these strike.  I had a panic attack the other day.  Trix66 helped me out awesome, she just grabbed me up and held on to me tight telling me it was all going to be ok.  That is what I tried to tell Kate back in the day, it works really good, Kate just didn't give a fuck I guess, she never acted like she Was doing it to help, it was more like she felt obligated, or it was a burden to her.  I guess I learned lessons through it all though.  I am in a better place,  I am close to Jimmy, and She never really knew me anyway.  T^he plan to jet, so calculated.  All I miss from Iowa is my job.

Hanging out with Trix is awesome, she feels me, she understands, and is there for me.



Crystal is a bitch.  I haven't talked to my son since August 5th, his birthday, except for 2 times.  Another major trigger for the downslide.  I notice it already, all I want to do is sleep, be in quiet places and not think, emotionless, white paper is all I think of.  Trix will see a major swing, I guess we will see how she handles it compareds to my past experiences.  Someone has to accept it and help me.  I can't take having everyone from crystal to my family not understanding what I'm going through.  The Manic stage ended yesterday with me buying 2 instruments with money I shouldn't have spent.   Its all downhill from here!

My new instruments.

I just got a new Bass and a new Acoustic Guitar, awesome!



 

Leg Cramps at night.

I got switched up on Meds and now I get leg cramps in my calves almost every night.  They wake me from sleeping and hurt like a bitch.  Has anyone ever had this happen?  It really sux.  the meds are called symbrax.   But, I was getting them before the change to so I'm not sure what the problem is.  I take vitamins, I eat.  All I know is they are so bad it hurts in the daytime after the cramps in the night.  I looked on the web.  Maybe I just need more water.

My Song to the past. Lyrics to a Limp Bizcut song says it all.


Fuck you.

it's not my mind -repeat x6
not my mind -repeat x6

yo J

and I get a little bit

your veins flow with poison
please acknowledge my present
this precous gift I behold disgaurded like trash
to dominate, it's in your nature, you selfish brat

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

strange things occuring
happening over and
over and over again
now bitch you are cruelty
you bark your orders with such a degrading dialect

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
and I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

gonna funk it up

one minute you think you're all this
the next minute you think you're all that
but your playin' with a nova momma didn't show ya
how to take gettin' canned by the man when it's over
I'll be hunting you down
waiting for the payback, your frown
begging me for your mercy
I ain't down with the sympathy you see
and I always remember your tender love
wipe me under the rug
just so you can step on my spine
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x2

(?) inflicted reminds me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I'd like to rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine _please don't make me_ -repeat x2
you're so sweet -repeat x3
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x3
so (?)was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
you're so sweet -repeat x3

you're always right and I'm always wrong
not my mind
that's why you love me so much
not my mind
you're so sweet
not my mind
I love you
you're so sweet
I love you
not my mind -repeat x4

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Broken Spirit

My spirit is falling.
I get drunk and stoned to make them go away. 
It masks the problems, too hard to handel.
Broken spirit, my broken self with my broken spirit.
Bend me, shape me, anyway you want.
My spirit is broken, the hustler, Broken.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Untitled

All I ever needed was for you to love me.
All I ever needed was for you to hold me,
All i ever wanted was for you to hug me.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me,

I sit in the 4 walls, blood runs down as I slit my wrists, pain, a sense I feel no more. 
I see the otherside, still watching the ground fill with blood.

All I needed was you.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My walking Papers

Major Depressive Disorder.



Fuck the phony, Ride the pony
The Dog in the house
Bitches fucking blow me.
Don't hate me as I stay behind and cry.

Trip Pic from the other night. Goes w/ From Kerri


I Drew this. It is astrology symbols for the moment of my feelings flowing to paper. I guess you could Say Its coded.

From Kerri, The First Chapter


I Sit Upon the stones and see the creatures up,
Inside of me. Daemons twist, the full moon bright.
See you, you must die tonight. The Demons up inside of me, they tell me what to do.
Hold strong, prepare, the uncharted lies ahead.
From demon tongues to Sutton brain, we are one, seething the Ecstasy and loving ever more.

Snaps

The twisting and turning, space and time.
My head about to explode, pulling my spirit from my body.

I feel it twist through the synapses, along the serotonin levels of time
to begin to make me "Normal" The label I heave been given.
Electric shocks, bolts of lightning from my brain, fire rapidly.

A pain and despair I cannot help. For fire lights my spirit, and electric is my sword.
Remove from me this crown of hate for it binds in the lightning, and may not strike, but only myself.
I am one.

A synapse.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n61Du5lhWio

BiPolar Information

Bipolar Disorder Overview

Bipolar disorder (BD) is a type of mood disorder. Bipolar disorder was called manic depression in the past, and that term is still used by some people. It is a psychiatric illness that causes major disruptions in lifestyle and health.

  • Everyone has occasional highs and lows in their moods. But people with bipolar disorder have extreme mood swings. They can go from feeling very sad, despairing, helpless, worthless, and hopeless (depression) to feeling as if they are on top of the world, hyperactive, creative, and grandiose (mania). This disease is called bipolar disorder because the mood of a person with bipolar disorder can alternate between two completely opposite poles, euphoric happiness and extreme sadness.

  • Symptoms of both mania and depression sometimes occur together, in what is called "mixed state."

  • The extremes of mood usually occur in cycles. In between these mood swings, people with bipolar disorder are able to function normally, hold a job, and have a normal family life. The episodes of mood swings tend to become closer together with age.

  • When a person is in the grip of this disease, chaos can occur. Bipolar disorder can cause major disruption of family and finances, loss of job, and marital problems.

  • Severe depression can be life-threatening. It may be associated with thoughts of suicide, actual acts of suicide, and even acts of homicide in some cases.

  • Extreme mania can lead to aggressive behavior, potentially dangerous risk-taking behaviors, and homicidal acts.

  • A number of people with bipolar disorder may turn to drugs and alcohol to "self-treat" their emotional disorder, resulting in substance abuse and dependence.

Most people start showing signs of bipolar disorder in their late teens (the average age of onset is 21 years). These signs may be dismissed as "growing pains" or normal teenage behavior. On occasion, some people have their first symptoms during childhood, but the condition can often be misdiagnosed at this age and improperly labeled as a behavioral problem. Bipolar disorder may not be properly diagnosed until the sufferer is 25-40 years old, at which time the pattern of symptoms may become clearer.

Bipolar disorder occurs in both men and women. About 5.7 million people in the United States have the disorder. There is no racial group that is more afflicted by this disease.

Because of the extreme and risky behavior that goes with bipolar disorder, it is very important that the disorder be identified. With proper and early diagnosis, this mental condition can be treated. Bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that will require proper management for the duration of a person's life.


Bipolar Disorder Symptoms

Mania and depression are the opposing phases in bipolar disorder.

  • Mania: A person in the manic phase may feel indestructible, full of energy, and ready for anything. Other times that person may be irritable and ready to argue with anyone who tries to get in the way.

    • Unrealistic plans, spending sprees, an increase in sexual affairs, or other reckless behavior, such as wild driving, also may occur.

    • Less sleep and food than usual are needed.

    • The person with mania can stay up all night but may find that not much was accomplished because he or she was easily distracted.

    • The person in a manic phase may talk very quickly and jump from subject to subject. They often exhibit pressured speech during mania.

    • Self-esteem may be inflated.

    • Decisions regarding business and finances are often made hurriedly and without careful consideration; poor choices may be the result.

    • Clothing choices may also change, and the person in a manic phase may start wearing brighter, more flamboyant clothes.

    • These behaviors, which can be quite upsetting, usually prompt a family member to take notice and try to get the person help.

    • Most people who are going through the manic phase of bipolar disorder deny that anything is wrong with them and refuse to see a medical professional.

    • They are grandiose and may have delusions (false ideas) of grandeur (greatness).

  • Depression: Although mania is said to alternate with depression, most people have more depressive episodes than manic ones.

    • Sadness and crying spells are common.

    • People who are depressed may not care enough to wash or comb their hair, change clothes, or even get out of bed in the morning.

    • These people may sleep too much (hypersomnolence) or have difficulty getting to sleep (insomnia).

    • Many of these people have no interest in food or have no appetite and lose weight. However, some eat excessively.

    • People with depression have trouble thinking; they may forget to do important things such as paying bills because they feel so down.

    • They withdraw from friends.

    • Hobbies that used to bring pleasure suddenly hold no interest for people who are depressed.

    • Depression brings feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, pessimism, and worthlessness.

    • Some people may develop chronic pain or other bodily complaints that do not actually have any physical cause.

    • People who are depressed may not see a point in living anymore and may actually think about ways to kill themselves.

  • Some people with bipolar disorder cycle between the two extremes every few months or weeks. Other people with bipolar disorder may cycle several times within the same day.

  • Signs of mania

    • Increased activity and gestures (pacing, tapping feet)

    • Inflated self-esteem

    • Poor judgment

    • Racing thoughts

    • Decreased need for sleep

    • Poor temper control

    • Irritability

    • Pressured speech: The person speaks very fast, as if his or her mouth can't keep up with the rapid thoughts. The person may be unable to respond to social cues to stop talking.

    • Increased activities with high risk of painful consequences (sexual affairs, gambling, risky investments)

    • Psychotic symptoms

      • Delusions (false beliefs)

      • Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't real)

  • Signs of depression

    • Excessive worry

    • Excessive guilt

    • Sadness, crying spells

    • Loss of energy

    • Change in sleep pattern (insomnia at night, daytime sleepiness, or excessive sleeping)

    • Major changes in appetite or weight

    • Feelings of worthlessness

    • Trouble concentrating

    • Social withdrawal

    • Lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities

    • Thoughts of death or suicide: Untreated bipolar disorder has a 15% risk of death by suicide.

  • Many conditions may co-occur with BD such as substance abuse, conduct disorders, eating disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, migraine, and anxiety.

Cry

Fuck the Phony
Ride the pony
The dog in the house
Bitches fuckin blow me
Don't hate me while I stay behind and cry.

Writings in The notebook from Kerri

From Kerri,
I sit upon the stones, and see the creatures
Up inside of me, Demons twist, the full moon bright
To you, you must die tonight.

The demons up inside of me, tell me what to do
Hold strong, prepare, the uncharted lies ahead.
From demon tongues to Suttons brain we are one
Seething, The exstacy for loving ever more.

Page 1`

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

....breathe....


Still remaining still
Clear sky expanding overhead
Loud madness echoes
from in between dreams; the walls in my head
Waking
As I am exasperating
Trying not to die
Gasping for a breath
Wind blowing coolly revives the resuscitated efforts
Feel alive again
A dying soul, filled with guilty pleasure
Demands are meek
Found I'm falling, fast and deep
Jumping from the ledge
of the door,
overhead
Vast blue blanket of atmosphere
Overhead
Clear as the process of thoughts in my head
Hum-drum conundrum
Know what I have to do
Paces and steps and
shoots and ladders
Climbing slowly to the top
with a different breed of family
beside me
walking the line that trips me again
and again
No longer will happen.
The past, has come to an end.
Lifted, gifted, thoughtful and thorough
I break these chains for new ones
Bound down
But won't hit the ground
Because the past is over.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Everyday Normal....Valley (mothafuckas)

NoOne says:

bout to watch a scarrrrrry movie
bout this boy who had a mom that lived by the high school
and he had a friend named The Dog
that would always come over to play
and cut grass
and cool shit like that
While all the time, he's banging moms ass
(Love, Sutton)

dik-4 says:

HAAA
sounds epic

NoOne says:
yeah

dik-4 says:

wait till u see the end

NoOne says:

I got your boyfriend

dik-4 says:

we were both banging her
that's good
romantic movie night

NoOne says:
Then, his uncle came over...
And the farm sheep broke through the fence
And all was good in Connersville

dik-4 says:

THE END

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Blast

Blast on me homie, lets see the last stance
A Mental ass Killer alone in the sand
I draw the line, just cross it and see.
I'll fuck you up fagot as easy as can be.
Maybe I'm crazy gives me strength under fire
I'll blast with my fist leave you body in tires.
Vickey redmens is calling I ready lets go, stand on my feet and like lightning I throw
My face is all bloody It must be the mind
this war in my head made me cross the line.


Too bad it was against myself. Mentally insane, Sutdogs fucked up self.

Words to my killer

Hey baby whats going on?
I love you is your day going good I hope?
I logged into the bank account, I see you made two new accounts only in your name and moved all the money?
Whats up honey? Did something happen? Why is my name not there? I know I'm in Chicago, thats why I'm calling there. Why is this turning into a screaming match while Im here. Im far away your say things I'm not tryin to hear. I'll take the plan back tonight, fuck the test I'll be alright. I dont give a fuck about a job My girl, my love is tripping.
I need to get home quick to see what has happened. You broke up with me? what the fuck do you mean? We been together 3and a half years, we were supposed to get married in Nune, oh wait, thats why you kept trying to push the wedding, you had this all planned. You stay away from home at a friends I never even get to say a word. I try to text you, but there is no answer. My son is calling, I'm crying trying to tell him. Yes buddy, Iowa is off, Kate broke up with daddy the weddings off. I still want to take you to the water park it will be ok. We will just have to do it alone, I don't know what to say, my worlds falling apart in front of a 4 yr old, asking the questions hopin he has the answers. I love you son run off to bed. Daddy will see you soon If its here or if its there.

I cant sleep the night I stay awake till down. Away for 4 days from work, I have to try to go on. I walk into some bullshit, Kate showed them my blog, said I made threats to her, Now I'm called to HR. Fired I know its all I can get, not 2 words from me no one cares about my side. I grab all my personals a few side items too, leave the building go back home and see the uhual moving things. I pull in they all leave so I try to help them out. I take all inside throw it in the street so they dont have as far to walk. Next thing I know 2 cops arrive, to make me come with them, no warrant, no nothing takes me by ambulance to the mental ward. 48 hr judge ordered stay. Seems Kate told the cops I was going to kill myself so she could unload as I sat in the jacket, begging to get out. All that runs inside my head is her words I cant take it. So much drama in your life, with crystal, your family, yourself, or the courts. Well fuck you bitch, my son was molested. You tun on me in my time of need no one there to catch me. I sat Alone in a ball on the floor waiting for family to take me back home. Back to ohio I keep up the meds, A psychotic Bi-polar Acrophobic, I got the panic disorder and drug problems to boot, hitin the pain pills the immortal sin. Ill pay for it later now I cant move, all I can do is sit in the dark. I get the order, sherif at the door, I'm served with the papers, a no contact order. How the fuck can this happen? all in 3 days, now I'm back in ohio, mind in a haze. No one to talk to, live in a hole. My moms house is calling, jimmy come home. I'm flipping in my head, talking to voices inside, images of death. I wrap my arms around it and cover it with drugs, for 2 and A half months months I have my world, Make sure he is alright. Now he's gone, I'm back alone this hole in the ground, my life revolves, never an end. Some one to help, dikkie calls keeps me better, but I'm still fucked inside, no one understands, my life was crushed in 3 Days.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Just so everyone knows, The following posts

About Kate were copied from another blog and posted here. So they are really from early may except for the timing one.


Oh well, I'm seeing more and more how that bitch burnt me, but that a whole other story that will be coming, its a BIG part of whey I am now, sitting in the valley, fucked up, with only my 4.



4-54 Crowned King $UTTDOGG

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Friday, August 7, 2009

Shit, Its been so Long....


With no way to get a hold of her without calling her work, which will get me in legal trouble I'm sure. With Jimmy here for the summer, Dr appts, court, everything, its been so long since I talked to Kate or heard her voice. I miss her so much which is odd because she walked away so easy, like she didn't have feelings, like it was all planned, it hit me so hard. from sending me to the hospital, (i'll post the complaint from her and police report later, it all seems so planned and like a fuck you. I though we were in love, I though we were going to be married, our families were intertwined, Jimmy spent the summer here talking about he wanted to go to Iowa and see Kate, he wanted to go to the water park she showed him. How do I explain to a 5 yr old? I though I was doing everything ok, except I realize now I did become a little detached, but she did too, it got to where we wouldn't do anything because every day became packed. I just can't believe its been 4 months.

I Miss her.

Kate, The Book I gave you.


I never meant for you to take it bad, its crazy 1 word in a title changes a life. (not directed at you but) I lost my job, house, cat, finance everything for 1 word, well and a fight I'm still trying to figure out. I'll post the whole story and see if I was wrong, just lost her interest, pissed her off, what? P.s. Kathryn Miller... If your reading this, I miss you, I wish I could talk to you, I still have your stuff, I am sending (you know me with mail) I'm just still looking for your daughters power cord. I'll send without for now. You know my email address, please email me if you read this.





Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart

It was a NY Times Best Seller on relationship help so Don't take it offensive.

Synopsis

Make him chase you...Until you catch him.

Never shy and always laugh-out-loud funny, Sherry Argov's Why Men Marry Bitches is a sharp-witted manifesto that shows women how to transform a casual relationship into a committed one. With the grittiest of girlfriend-to-girlfriend detail, Argov removes the kid gloves and explains why being extra nice doesn't necessarily mean he'll be more devoted. The guide shares real-life "no holds barred" interviews with men who answer the following in raw detail:

* How do men manipulate a relationship to keep it casual?

* Do men deliberately push women's emotional buttons?

* How can she convince him commitment was his idea?

* How can she invite a proposal without saying a word?

Whether you are single, married, recently separated, or just fed up with your family members telling you to fetch a husband because time is running out, Why Men Marry Bitches is the must-have guide that will show you how to exude confidence, win his heart, and get the love and respect you deserve.
Library Journal

Freud may have wondered what women want, but these two authors let readers know the wants and desires of most men. Argov (Why Men Love Bitches), a radio personality and contributor to the Fox News channel, holds that men want competent women who can think for themselves, handle most situations, and keep their men in line. She busts the myths that a woman has to be perfect, be his sex toy, and be whatever he wants her to be, before spending the bulk of the text advising readers on how to obtain a commitment without even having to say the word. Her 75 relationship principles cover everything from sex to finance and apply to readers of all ages. E! News anchor DePandi also delves into the male psyche, letting women know what turns men on (having aspirations and career goals) and off (nagging them to validate the relationship). Her 66 tips fall in line with Argov's principles but involve more nitty-gritty advice, such as hiding the astrology books and taking the yeast-infection cream out of the medicine cabinet when one's date comes over. Both authors emphasize the importance of a woman's having self-confidence, developing her own life, and learning to perceive herself through a man's eyes. Recommended for all libraries. Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information.

Thank Yous to Kate

Thank Yous

The Reality of what happened is starting to sink in, we are pretty much done no going back. they got my meds pretty good so far, doubled everything, and added 600 mg of litithum.

I just wanted to thank/tell you some things I miss and appreciated:

1) Im in the valley again, so I am the valley trash, thats are there is, I have some govt papers and law papers going on so there is no move to get another job right now. That sux, You turned me to non cheap, now I'm yard salling and hitting the dollar store, that sux. Thank you for showing me the other side of life.

2) I came back to all the valley Hos, including crystal all trying to get with me, I can't even look at them, its ike get the fuck out of my face your a skank, Like seriously Ponderosa is a good dinner to them. I miss The High maintenance girl that made sure her nails and hair were done, wearing $500 dresses, or outfits. Here its like the girl in the hospital, thats the only way to explain.
Thank you for showing me valley trash is just that, maybe eventually I CAN HAVE ANOTHER HIGH CLASS WOMAN LIKE YOU.





3) Places here suck like bars / food. Places I'll miss especially with you:

Burbon street
Voodoo
The Casino
All Downtown
Peppers
Becks, (we had some good times, Karaoke, just early on alot of fun)
Cedar Falls .
The Water Parks
The Trails for biking / hiking
Pacos
Ferraries
Our 2 Shitty Malls
Hyvee
The Place we saw The Piano Man Show
The Cedar Rapids Airport - Lots of memories both happy and sad from leaving or coming.
The Mall Of America
The Deck
The Back Yard, _ I bet its starting to look nice now
The Living Room - I felt safe there
High Class Food and entertainment, Now its all Low class, as far down as Mc Donalds is a date - seriously.
I'm sure I missed some but you get the idea,

4) I wanted to thank you for trying to help me, you were there for my panic attacks alot and would walk with me or rub my head. Thank you for that, not many people care, No one here has yet to do anything but make my attacks worse. It was Odd I never had hardly 0 out there, you know in a while, but here, I've had a few so far, but its been a rough time so maybe thats why. Anyway taknk you for putting up with that part of me.

5) All the firsts you either had me experience or experienced with me. Flying for the first time, Going further west then ever, then again to vegas furthest ests, Vegas itself as my first. My first ever tailired Suit, my firdt $100 pair of Jeans, My first taste of fashion, multi products to get ready, My first cat, I hope he is ok I miss him so much. My first self owned Business, My first Self Owned Condo, First trip to Mall of America, First 3 some, first woman that was exactly that, a woman through and through, Well dressed, well mannered, Well Presented compared to what I'm used too. Lots of Firts for events, likr the Jsmres Tye party, the Party at the country club where we met Paco, etc. All those things I was never used too.

6) Thank you for scheduling to have the pictures taken, They turned out awesome.

7) Thank you for the things you did for me when I lived there like Laundry, cleaning, etc. I should have cooked more. I miss those dinners like at convair with the steaks and crab on top beranaise!



8) Thank you for teaching me the fine points of wine. I never liked it at all befor coming out there. I am glad I actually got involved and tried wine with you. We had some fun parties, and fun Wine nights just watching TV.

9) I miss playing cards, and making up our own games. That was fun.

10) Thank you for the good excercise habits, I'm down below 200 now. :)

Kate, Thank you for evertyhing. I know you say you dont hate me, and maybe you don't but I feel that you do, I mean you filed a restraining order, won't give me your phone number, I can't have your address, to send you anything. Thats all fine, but don't tell me you don't hate me when thats how it is, I gave you my cell and Address as soon as they changed. I understand we are over period. So I know why wou wouldn't want me to have it I guess, you don't even log on IM, or you changed addresses.


Anyway I'm posting thins on the blog also, that you still never even looked at.

Kate Thanks for all the high class things and that side of life so I got to see it. I would never have seen it here before I left, aand really wont see any of it now so thank you for all those things.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Kathryn (Kate) Miller I Miss You

I wish things didn't end the way they did. I'm still not even sure what happened.

I miss you Kate Miller

Jimmy Just left from summer break here to go back to his moms

More after I quit Crying...

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I added a poll to The Right

It is about how long you have been off meds either on purpose or by other problems, Lack of insurance, away from home and forgot, etc. Please post your answers so we can discuss the effects of quitting abruptly and the effects it has.

A letter after my breakdown, keep in mind I ran out of meds and went for days before I had a psychotic depressive episode.

Since Everyone seemes to have a misunterstanding of what is and isn't what I have been diagnosed with so far here you go. Lisa I think you have differnent symptoms or problems then I have, I can not be off my meds without flipping out, I also need time to build them back up in my boday after a 5 day swing. Yesterday all I could see as I was crying at the computer with my arms folded and my face to the floor was a slowed down world where talking, walking and everything slowed, all all I saw was visions of blood. I was definatly in a psychotic state becase 5 days of an anti psychotic will do that. Everyone thinks I should just go through life and be normal, sorry, I have changed in and since Iowa, alot in Iowa, Because I was so far from jimmy half the symptoms showed up, the other half were dormant from taking tons of LSD when everyone told me it would be "great for me to come home instead of being in columbus" All the drugs I ever did was in that period. And then depression I have had for life. So before you judge me. Read the 6 that I'm dealing with so far. Not saying I'm worse off thaN any one else just different.

Here Read my blog, once Jimmy leaves I'll update all I have let go through the summer, but you can go back and read.,

sutdog.blogspot.com


Bipolar II disorder


Definition

In the United States alone, bipolar disorder afflicts an estimated three million people. According to a report by the National Institutes of Mental Health, the disorder costs over $45 billion annually.

Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a mood disorder that causes radical emotional changes and mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows. The majority of bipolar individuals experience alternating episodes of mania (an elevated or euphoric mood or irritable state) and depression.

Bipolar II disorder is characterized by major depressive episodes alternating with episodes of hypomania, a milder form of mania. Bipolar depression may be difficult to distinguish from unipolar depression (depression without mania, as found in major depressive disorder). Patients with bipolar depression tend to have extremely low energy, retarded mental and physical processes, and more profound fatigue(for example, hypersomnia—a sleep disorder marked by a need for excessive sleep or sleepiness when awake) than people with unipolar depression.

Anxiety Disorder

Definition

Anxiety is an unpleasant emotion triggered by anticipation of future events, memories of past events, or ruminations about the self.

Description

Stimulated by real or imagined dangers, anxiety afflicts people of all ages and social backgrounds. When the anxiety results from irrational fears, it can disrupt or disable normal life. Some researchers believe anxiety is synonymous with fear, occurring in varying degrees and in situations in which people feel threatened by some danger. Others describe anxiety as an unpleasant emotion caused by unidentifiable dangers or dangers that, in reality, pose no threat. Unlike fear, which is caused by realistic, known dangers, anxiety can be more difficult to identify and to alleviate.


Major depressive disorder

Definition

Major depressive disorder (MDD) is a condition characterized by a long-lasting depressed mood or marked loss of interest or pleasure (anhedonia) in all or nearly all activities. Children and adolescents with MDD may be irritable instead of sad. These symptoms, along with others described below, must be sufficiently severe to interfere significantly with the patient's daily functioning in order for a person to be diagnosed with MDD.

Description

Major depressive disorder is a serious mental disorder that profoundly affects an individual's quality of life. Unlike normal bereavement or an occasional episode of "the blues," MDD causes a lengthy period of gloom and hopelessness, and may rob the sufferer of the ability to take pleasure in activities or relationships that were previously enjoyable. In some cases, depressive episodes seem to be triggered by an obviously painful event, but MDD may also develop without a specific stressor. Research indicates that an initial episode of depression is likely to be a response to a specific stimulus, but later episodes are progressively more likely to start without a triggering event. A person suffering major depression finds jobrelated responsibilities and such other tasks as parenting burdensome and carried out only with great effort. Mental efficiency and memory are affected, causing even simple tasks to be tiring and irritating. Sexual interest dwindles; many people with MDD become withdrawn and avoid any type of social activity. Even the ability to enjoy a good meal or a sound night's sleep is frequently lost; many depressed people report a chronic sense of malaise (general discomfort or unease). For some, the pain and suffering accompanying MDD becomes so unendurable that suicide is viewed as the only option; MDD has the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder.

Disturbed mood (sad, hopeless, discouraged, "down in the dumps") during most of the day. Loss of interest or pleasure in activities. Change in appetite nearly every day, leading either to weight gain or to loss of 5% of body weight. In children, this symptom may appear as a failure to make normal weight gains related to growth. Insomnia(waking in the middle of the night and having difficulty returning to sleep, or waking too early in the morning) or hypersomnia(sleeping much more than normal). Psychomotor retardation (slowed thinking, speech, body movements) or agitation (inability to sit still, hand-wringing, pulling at clothing, skin, or other objects) that is apparent to others. Sense of worthlessness or unreasonable guilt over minor failings. Problems with clear thinking, concentration, and decision-making. Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, or making a suicide attempt.


Agoraphobia


Definition

Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by intense fear related to being in situations from which escape might be difficult or embarrassing (i.e., being on a bus or train), or in which help might not be available in the event of a panic attack or panic symptoms. Panic is defined as extreme and unreasonable fear and anxiety.

According to the handbook used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision, also known as the DSM-IV-TR, patients with agoraphobia are typically afraid of such symptoms as feeling dizzy, having an attack of diarrhea, fainting, or "going crazy."

The word "agoraphobia" comes from two Greek words that mean "fear" and "marketplace." The anxiety associated with agoraphobia leads to avoidance of situations that involve being outside one's home alone, being in crowds, being on a bridge, or traveling by car or public transportation. Agoraphobia may intensify to the point that it interferes with a person's ability to take a job outside the home or to carry out such ordinary errands and activities as picking up groceries or going out to a movie.

Description

The close association in agoraphobia between fear of being outside one's home and fear of having panic symptoms is reflected in DSM-IV-TR classification of two separate disorders: panic disorder (PD) with agoraphobia, and agoraphobia without PD. PD is essentially characterized by sudden attacks of fear and panic. There may be no known reason for the occurrence of panic attacks; they are frequently triggered by fear-producing events or thoughts, such as driving, or being in an elevator. PD is believed due to an abnormal activation of the body's hormonal system, causing a sudden "fight-or-flight" response.

The chief distinction between PD with agoraphobia and agoraphobia without PD is that patients who are diagnosed with PD with agoraphobia meet all criteria for PD; in agoraphobia without PD, patients are afraid of panic-like symptoms in public places, rather than full-blown panic attacks.

People with agoraphobia appear to suffer from two distinct types of anxiety— panic, and the anticipatory anxiety related to fear of future panic attacks. Patients with agoraphobia are sometimes able to endure being in the situations they fear by "gritting their teeth," or by having a friend or relative accompany them.

In the United States' diagnostic system, the symptoms of agoraphobia can be similar to those of specific phobia and social phobia. In agoraphobia and specific phobia, the focus is fear itself; with social phobia, the person's focus is on how others are perceiving him/her. Patients diagnosed with agoraphobia tend to be more afraid of their own internal physical sensations and similar cues than of the reactions of others per se. In cases of specific phobia, the person fears very specific situations, whereas in agoraphobia, the person generally fears a variety of situations (being outside of the home alone, or traveling on public transportation including a bus, train, or automobile, for example). An example of a patient diagnosed with a specific phobia rather than agoraphobia would be the person whose fear is triggered only by being in a bus, rather than a car or taxi. The fear of the bus is more specific than the agoraphobic's fear of traveling on public transportation in general. The DSM-IVTR remarks that the differential diagnosis of agoraphobia "can be difficult because all of these conditions are characterized by avoidance of specific situations."


Definition

Generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD, is a disorder characterized by diffuse and chronic worry. Unlike people with phobias or post-traumatic disorders, people with GAD do not have their worries provoked by specific triggers; they may worry about almost anything having to do with ordinary life. It is not unusual for patients diagnosed with GAD to shift the focus of their anxiety from one issue to another as their daily circumstances change. For example, someone with GAD may start worrying about finances when several bills arrive in the mail, and then fret about the state of his or her health when it is noticed that one of the bills is for health insurance. Later in the day he or she may read a newspaper article that moves the focus of the worry to a third concern.

A manual commonly used by mental health professionals is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,also known as the DSM.This manual may also be identified more specifically by edition, such as the DSM,fourth edition text revised, or DSM-IV-TR.The DSM-IV-TRclassifies GAD as an anxiety disorder.

Generalized anxiety disorder

Description

Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by persistent worry that is excessive and that the patient finds hard to control. Common worries associated with generalized anxiety disorder include work responsibilities, money, health, safety, car repairs, and household chores. The ICD-10,which is the European equivalent of DSMIV-TR,describes the anxiety that typifies GAD as "free-floating," which means that it can attach itself to a wide number of issues or concerns in the patient's environment.

DSM-IV-TRspecifies that the worry must occur "more days than not for a period of at least six months"; ICD-10states only that the patient "must have primary symptoms of anxiety most days for at least several weeks at a time, and usually for several months." The patient usually recognizes that his or her worry is out of proportion in its duration or intensity to the actual likelihood or impact of the feared situation or event. For example, a husband or wife may worry about an accident happening to a spouse who commutes to work by train, even though the worried partner knows objectively that rail travel is much safer than automobile travel on major highways. The anxiety level of a patient with GAD may rise and fall somewhat over a period of weeks or months but tends to become a chronic problem. The disorder typically becomes worse during stressful periods in the patient's life.

Patients diagnosed with GAD have a high rate of concurrent mental disorders, particularly major depression disorder, other anxiety disorders, or a substance abuse disorder. They also frequently have or develop such stress-related physical illnesses and conditions as tension headaches, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), temporomandibular joint dysfunction (TMJ), bruxism (grinding of the teeth during sleep), and hypertension. In addition, the discomfort or complications associated with arthritis, diabetes, and other chronic disorders are often intensified by GAD. Patients with GAD are more likely to seek help from a primary care physician than a psychiatrist; they are also more likely than patients with other disorders to make frequent medical appointments, to undergo extensive or repeated diagnostic testing, to describe their health as poor, and to smoke tobacco or abuse other substances. In addition, patients with anxiety disorders have higher rates of mortality from all causes than people who are less anxious.

In many cases, it is difficult for the patient's doctor to determine whether the anxiety preceded the physical condition or followed it; sometimes people develop generalized anxiety disorder after being diagnosed with a chronic organic health problem. In other instances, the wear and tear on the body caused by persistent and recurrent worrying leads to physical diseases and disorders. There is an overall "vicious circle" quality to the relationship between GAD and other disorders, whether mental or organic.

Children diagnosed with GAD have much the same anxiety symptoms as adults. The mother of a six-year-old boy with the disorder told his pediatrician that her son "acted like a little man" rather than a typical first-grader. He would worry about such matters as arriving on time for school field trips, whether the family had enough money for immediate needs, whether his friends would get hurt climbing on the playground jungle gym, whether there was enough gas in the tank of the family car, and similar concerns. The little boy had these worries in spite of the fact that his family was stable and happy and had no serious financial or other problems.

GAD often has an insidious onset that begins relatively early in life, although it can be precipitated by a sudden crisis at any age above six or seven years. The idea that GAD often begins in the childhood years even though the symptoms may not become clearly noticeable until late adolescence or the early adult years is gaining acceptance. About half of all patients diagnosed with the disorder report that their worrying began in childhood or their teenage years. Many will say that they cannot remember a time in their lives when they were not worried about something. This type of persistent anxiety can be regarded as part of a person's temperament, or inborn disposition; it is sometimes called trait anxiety. It is not unusual, however, for people to develop the disorder in their early adult years or even later in reaction to chronic stress or anxiety-producing situations. For example, there are instances of persons developing GAD after several years of taking care of a relative with dementia, living with domestic violence, or living in close contact with a friend or relative with borderline personality disorder.

The specific worries of a person with GAD may be influenced by their ethnic background or culture. DSMIV-TR'sobservation that being punctual is a common concern of patients with GAD reflects the value that Western countries place on using time as efficiently as possible. One study of worry in college students from different ethnic backgrounds found that Caucasian and African American students tended to worry a variable amount about a wider range of concerns whereas Asian Americans tended to worry more intensely about a smaller number of issues. Another study found that GAD in a community sample of older Puerto Ricans overlapped with a culture-specific syndrome called ataque de nervios, which resembles panic disorder but has features of other anxiety disorders as well as dissociative symptoms. (People experience dissociative symptoms when their perception of reality is temporarily altered— they may feel as if they were in a trance, or that they were observing activity around them instead of participating.) Further research is needed regarding the relationship between people's ethnic backgrounds and their outward expression of anxiety symptoms.

Definition

Brief psychotic disorder is a short-term, time-limited disorder. An individual with brief psychotic disorder has experienced at least one of the major symptoms of psychosis for less than one month. Hallucinations, delusions, strange bodily movements or lack of movements (catatonic behavior), peculiar speech and bizarre or markedly inappropriate behavior are all classic psychotic symptoms that may occur in brief psychotic disorder.

The cause of the symptoms helps to determine whether or not the sufferer is described as having brief psychotic disorder. If the psychotic symptoms appear as a result of a physical disease, a reaction to medication, or intoxication with drugs or alcohol, then the unusual behaviors are not classified as brief psychotic disorder. If hallucinations, delusions, or other psychotic symptoms occur at the same time that an individual is experiencing major clinical depression or bipolar (manic-depressive) disorder, then the brief psychotic disorder diagnosis is not given. The decision rules that allow the clinician to identify this cluster of symptoms as brief psychotic disorder are outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition Text Revision, produced by the American Psychiatric Association. This manual is referred to by most mental health professionals as DSM-IV-TR.


Brief psychotic disorder


Description

Positive symptoms

The person experiencing brief psychotic disorder always has one or more "positive" psychotic symptoms. The psychotic symptoms are not "positive" in the everyday sense of something being good or useful. Positive in this context is used with the medical meaning: a factor is present that is not normally expected, or a normal type of behavior is experienced in its most extreme form. Positive symptoms of psychosis include hallucinations, delusions, strange bodily movements or lack of movements (catatonic behavior), peculiar speech and bizarre or primitive behavior.

HALLUCINATIONS. Hallucinations involve experiencing sensations that have no corresponding objective reality. Hallucinations can occur in various forms that parallel the human senses. Visual hallucinations involve the sense of sight, or "seeing things." Auditory hallucinations generally involve hearing voices, and are the most common of the hallucinations. Sometimes, a hallucination can include both voices and some visual experience; mental health professionals describe this as an "auditory-visual hallucination." Smelling non-existent smells or feeling things on or under one's skin that do not actually exist are forms of somatic hallucinations. Somatic comes from soma, the Greek word for body; thus, somatic hallucinations are bodily hallucinations.

DELUSIONS. Delusions are also a classic psychotic feature. Delusions are strongly held irrational and unrealistic beliefs that are extremely difficult to change, even when the person is exposed to evidence that contradicts the delusion. The layperson typically thinks of delusions as being "paranoid," or "persecutory" wherein the delusional person is excessively suspicious and continually feels at the mercy of conspirators who are "out to get" him or her. However, delusions can also be unjustified beliefs that are grandiose, involve elaborate love fantasies ("erotomanic" delusions), or extreme and irrational jealousy. Grandiose delusions are persistent irrational beliefs that somehow exaggerate the person's importance, such as believing oneself to be a famous person, or having an enviable position such as being the Prime Minister or President. Often grandiose delusions take on religious overtones; for instance, a person might become convinced that she is the Virgin Mary. Furthermore, delusions can be somatic. Somatic delusions are erroneous but strongly held beliefs about the characteristics or functioning of one's body; an example is a mental health consumer who refuses to eat because of a conviction that the throat muscles are completely paralyzed and that only liquids can be swallowed, when there is no actual physical reason to be unable to swallow.

OTHER PSYCHOTIC SYMPTOMS. Other psychotic symptoms that may occur in brief psychotic disorder are strange bodily movements or lack of movements (catatonic behavior), peculiar speech, and bizarre or child-like behavior. Catatonic behavior or catatonia involves both possible extremes related to movement. Catalepsy is the motionless aspect of catatonia—a person with catalepsy may remain fixed in the same position for hours on end. Rapid or persistently repeated movements, frequent grimacing and strange facial expressions, and unusual gestures are the opposite end of the catatonia phenomenon. Peculiar speech is also seen in some cases of brief psychotic disorder. Speech distortions can involve words mixed together in no coherent order, responses that are irrelevant and strange in the context of the conversation in which they occur, or echolalia, the repetition of another person's exact spoken words, repeated either immediately after the speaker or after a delay of minutes to hours. Bizarre behavior can range from child-like behaviors such as skipping, singing, or hopping in inappropriate circumstances to unusual practices such as hoarding food or covering one's head and clothing with aluminum foil wrappings.


Next Time Just Leave me Alone.

Friday, July 24, 2009

BiPolar Type II Manic Depressive

All that had any part of my crash yesterday and had no concern, compassion, or didn't just leave me alone, FUCK U.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Today

All I want is to see blood... Doing 180 on the freeway ready to die, i'm taking mother fuckers with me, straight to hell test me, try me 4 in the are 1 for my loved ones the 4 that will ride 2 for my brothers the ones with which Ive cried 3 for every door slam society throws at us and 4 for your life cause I'll end it watching snuff.

I added some new posts today from aprial and may.

All about Kate.

Complete Breakdown Today

I ran out of Lexapro, Lithium and Lamictal about 5 days ago and couldn't pay for it so I went 5 days crashed really hard, the psych gave me a bunch of samples so hopefully they are building up in my system again. Right now it sux, I feel like shit mentally and physically.

Sorry I haven't wrote, I will dump tons as soon as my sons mother gets him back, it will be a very hard time so I will write real time backwards into things that happened in the summer like his mother hitting me in the face while I was holding him so she got arrested for domestic violence. good times.


Peace all.

Trying to catch up on face book too.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Holes

I,m Down in a hole
With no where to go
Locked in this trap
Inside my mind.
Let me ask my inner self
When no one is around
Talking to shadows
For answers unsure
Pick like the game show
But pick the right door.
If not you will end up
Among the shadows,
Down in a hole.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Site is up anonymous Public

All Web IDs, Employees, 3rd Party Consultants or any representative may few this blog. Preceding acknowledges your are not a TEAM, any Entity employee or shareholder, owner or board member.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

all content on this site is copyrighted

It is protected by international copyright laws and may not be copied, reproduced or reconstructed in any way. This site may not be used by law enforcement officials, or in any court case. Many user IDs are used by multiple people.

Anyone that violates these terms of services will be prosecuted.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Woke up crying for no reason

I must be wayyyyyy down. My UE claim was denied which I expected, and SSI meeting is next week. I have to give the lawyer the paper to appeal UE now. I Juts sat on my floor and cried by the heater, Thats what I'm still going to do.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

testing to see if this works

Had to shut dow except for invited members

My work is trying to dig whatever they can from my blog so I made it no public. That way if they use it it hurts them even more.

Yesterday.

Very Manic, need to add text messages to crystal. very out of it manic, paranoid, Compulsive, felt like everyone is watch me and I just needed to get away. I was walking in Mt. Pleasant. small town. I asked crystal for help but she didn't call back, said she fell asleep which is ok, she tries to be there when she can.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Listining to the end by the doors

Another sex song, and another dwelling songs, I hear it 3d it gives me chills out my back.


Im Hypo Compressive Type 2 Panic attack too 2 xanax on top to stop it. took normals also.

Garabge Milk Massive Attack

Talk about sex. This song is perfect lyrics, perfect music. If your looking for a sex song use Massive attack milk.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Meds


I forgot to tell everyone my Meds got doubled. I feel all weird now. I'm dizzy left to right and I've been tired a lot.

Sorry

I've been away, My meds got changed. well doubled and now I'm a zombie. I sleep till 5 PM and wake up then try to go for a walk to get out of the same 4 walls. I have a call for Unemployment tomorrow, I'm sure they are fighting saying I had done something wrong. I didn't though, I gave a book, then K gave my blog to all the execs to fire me saying she was scared. Funny thing was the blog date was April, and it was written by chris. If it was really per the rules of TEAM then Kate would be fired also. I put in 3 requests to move her starting on Saturday and Nothing was done. I never signed any paper cause I don't believe in the way I was fired. They filed me for bring Bipolar.

Monday, May 11, 2009

So I'm sitting in the basement

4 walls, a set of bunks, a desk. Like A cell. All from what I had. The Fiance the House I owned, the Cat I owned, a little girl used to me being there 3 years, a 4 yr old son that totally misses the daughters and her mother and I have to explain he will never see them again. I jumped ahead. So my Girl Friend broke up with me, set up 2 bank accounts and started transferring money from our only other accounts our joint accounts. All while In in Chicago on the second day of a 3 day trip. She breaks up with me while in Chicago, with a co-worker, can't wait till my lawyer says I can start saying names legally so I can call these bitches out. Any way, A new trainee makes about 45K to Start in any location but one. Where was I, oh yeah the bitches that want to be my friend then act like you don't know me. Fuck all of you. Bomb first bitches. Oh so the girl breaks up with me, so the next day I go give her one of the 8 books I ordered on relationship building. She took that and my blog to Sr Management, They had it up on the screen when I went into the office they were firing me. so its the COO and corporate Layer. No asking what happened days I did it 3 times, well if thats the case so did she so She should be fired too. The cool thing now is Nancy Grace on CNN, as soon as my mom has all the facts shes getting Nancy to corner it on national TV, Publishing in the Iowa news papers, etc. I can't wait till I can say names. I feel bad for the innocents, there was one. But when this all goes down and its shown who wrote whatever, the timeliness, the psych reports both wondering why I was there, A false police transport, the had no papers nothing followed me through my house wouldn't even let me piss with the door closed. In A normal state of mind I would have said arrest me, show me a warrant or get the fuck out. I was down and kinda shocked so none of it made sense. They put me through hell walking trough everywhere, saying I had to go, they could leave till I got on an ambulance they were there for an hour or two, I Kept telling them I didn't want to go, said i DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE AND Called an ambulance. Part 2 coming shortly... Hint, Mental ward is involved.

Jada

You are the omega of my heart
the foundation of my conception of love
when i think of what a woman should be... Read More
its you that i first think of

You will never fully understand
how deeply my heart feels 4 u
i worry that we'll grow apart
and i'll end up losing u

You bring me to climax without sex
and You do it all with regal grace
You are my heart in human form
a friend i could never replace.

-2PAC RIP

Dog's Out of the Cage!!

Sup homie. Glad to see your back. I hope to hear some new shit, and maybe even drop sum more myself. (We all know how that end's up!!!!) Keep you head up and thumb tucked. -DIK

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Fuck It Im opening The Blog Back Up

I shut it down for awhile except for contributors, see the s, that means more than just me. So anyway I got fire from work after my X went to the bosses (right after we broke up) and gave them my blog, and said I gave her a book which I did. It was ordered the week before we broke up. I ordered 7 relationship building books to use together to work on problems we had, and 1 I ordered for her called why Men Love Bitches. A NY Times Best seller. I sat it on her desk, she gave my Bipolar blog site and says she feels threatened by "Hate" written by Hook Knows, AKA Dik, AKA Chris. So now the entire company is hitting the blog cause I got the IP's logged, I get dragged into the COO's office with their lawyer to tell me I'm fired while he has my blog site up on the screen. Well now I got a lawyer working the case so Fuck Them.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Email

I know you said your hurt and loosing weight, I'm hurt too. I didn't want it to be this way, I'm standing in the line trying to get foodstamps. It was a total shock to me. Your crying anfd hurting and so am I so why did it end this way? Why did you get a place move all your stuff out, break up with me? I loved you kate, all I wanted to do was marry you and have the fairytale dream, the problem became my problem, which if I could take the hurt and depression out of the picture from you, I am a lot better, I was back to where I wanted to be and where you needed me to be. 1 more Dr visit. Now I sit here with nothing but time wondereing everything from another guy to you just didn't love me. So you say your not with a guy so its you didn't love me. I tried everything Any time you were down and out, I wanted to make you happy. I was on the wrong meds for 1 and I needed a new one.

I tried to explain that. I don't eat either. I lost about 20 pounds so far. I know your trying to move on, It really hurts that I can't have your Phone number. And I'm not sending anything out until I have your Address, I just don't think its fair or respectful for some that was supposed to be you husband in 45 days. The worst part of this is as I sit alone upset because I can't talk to you, or I cand get a hold of you at night, I think to myself. I would still msrry you today. And I still love you even though itd crossed the line of more than breaking up this time.

I'll leave work out of every conversation, you think I think your cold, well thats just cause I sit and cry when something effects me so bad like this, but you dont, you get to the point black and white defensive, (in my eyes, maybe not to other people) so I assume it just doesn't bother you. Point I guess is you hated me sitting in the basement by myself, Thats all I have to do here

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Thank Yous

Thank yous




The Reality of what happened is starting to sink in, we are pretty much done no going back. they got my meds pretty good so far, doubled everything, and added 600 mg of litithum.

I just wanted to thank/tell you some things I miss and appreciated:

1) Im in the valley again, so I am the valley trash, thats are there is, I have some govt papers and law papers going on so there is no move to get another job right now. That sux, You turned me to non cheap, now I'm yard salling and hitting the dollar store, that sux. Thank you for showing me the other side of life.

2) I came back to all the valley Hos, including crystal all trying to get with me, I can't even look at them, its ike get the fuck out of my face your a skank, Like seriously Ponderosa is a good dinner to them. I miss The High maintenance girl that made sure her nails and hair were done, wearing $500 dresses, or outfits. Here its like the girl in the hospital, thats the only way to explain.
Thank you for showing me valley trash is just that, maybe eventually I CAN HAVE ANOTHER HIGH CLASS WOMAN LIKE YOU.

3) Places here suck like bars / food. Places I'll miss especially with you:

Burbon street
Voodoo
The Casino
All Downtown
Peppers
Becks, (we had some good times, Karaoke, just early on alot of fun)
Cedar Falls .
The Water Parks
The Trails for biking / hiking
Pacos
Ferraries
Our 2 Shitty Malls
Hyvee
The Place we saw The Piano Man Show
The Cedar Rapids Airport - Lots of memories both happy and sad from leaving or coming.
The Mall Of America
The Deck
The Back Yard, _ I bet its starting to look nice now
The Living Room - I felt safe there
High Class Food and entertainment, Now its all Low class, as far down as Mc Donalds is a date - seriously.
I'm sure I missed some but you get the idea,

4) I wanted to thank you for trying to help me, you were there for my panic attacks alot and would walk with me or rub my head. Thank you for that, not many people care, No one here has yet to do anything but make my attacks worse. It was Odd I never had hardly 0 out there, you know in a while, but here, I've had a few so far, but its been a rough time so maybe thats why. Anyway taknk you for putting up with that part of me.

5) All the firsts you either had me experience or experienced with me. Flying for the first time, Going further west then ever, then again to vegas furthest ests, Vegas itself as my first. My first ever tailired Suit, my firdt $100 pair of Jeans, My first taste of fashion, multi products to get ready, My first cat, I hope he is ok I miss him so much. My first self owned Business, My first Self Owned Condo, First trip to Mall of America, First 3 some, first woman that was exactly that, a woman through and through, Well dressed, well mannered, Well Presented compared to what I'm used too. Lots of first for events, like the James Tye party, the Party at the country club where we met Paco, etc. All those things I was never used too.

6) Thank you for scheduling to have the pictures taken, They turned out awesome.

7) Thank you for the things you did for me when I lived there like Laundry, cleaning, etc. I should have cooked more. I miss those dinners like at convair with the steaks and crab on top beranaise!

8) Thank you for teaching me the fine points of wine. I never liked it at all before coming out there. I am glad I actually got involved and tried wine with you. We had some fun parties, and fun Wine nights just watching TV.

9) I miss playing cards, and making up our own games. That was fun.

10) Thank you for the good exercise habits, I'm down below 200 now. :)

Kate, Thank you for everything. I know you say you donut hate me, and maybe you don't but I feel that you do, I mean you filed a restraining order, won't give me your phone number, I can't have your address, to send you anything. Thats all fine, but don't tell me you don't hate me when thats how it is, I gave you my cell and Address as soon as they changed. I understand we are over period. So I know why wou wouldn't want me to have it I guess, you don't even log on IM, or you changed addresses.

Anyway I'm posting thins on the blog also, that you still never even looked at.

Kate Thanks for all the high class things and that side of life so I got to see it. I would never have seen it here before I left, aand really wont see any of it now so thank you for all those things.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Good Mornining Kate.

Well I woke up today after a dream of you. We were laughing and smiling that was the whole dream. I woke up crying because I missed you, I put on my Ipod and put on mix and tenacious D came on, so I took that off and went for a walk. Everything Reminds me of you, Its going to take some time to get over this breakup. on the way here I woke from a dream of you in your wedding dress but all I could see was you smiling at me through the veil. Its really hard. I'm sure it probably is there too, I just have to figure out how to deal. The DR hear certified me with a full fledged nervous breakdown :) I just keep getting more things after my name.


Well I have alot of poems on paper I need to type here, I'm just trying to make sure I write even though I'm not sure if your reading.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mistakes

Sitting alone all by myself
I had a job, a soon to be wife and the bills to pay,
It all went wrong, all way to fast
I COULDN'T CATCH THE MESS I had blaster
away in a text message not knowing the whole side
except my girl was not happy, and started bank accounts on the side.
See i NEVER WAS CONCERNED WITH THE MONEY
i THOUGHT SHE WAS LEAVING ME.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED And I don't think any one cared
we both had no feelings, to crushed to be hurt.
I tried to fix what I could it was too late. I watched the girl of my dreams walk out of my life in a Uhaul truck.

I Spent the night before in a mental ward, who knew I was so fucked up.
I guess I do now, letting the only girl I ever truly love walk away from me.

I got fired, I had to move, and leave behind, the town I grew to love and cherish, I thought I'd grow old. With Sky and Jimmy and my Special One. Explode in my face, the stpry of my life, I now fade to ashes and life in the strife.

Well Its been a few Days

I got Moved into "home" I suppose you re moved into your place now. I hope all is well. I know I miss you, I'm totally worried about the court thing just because I'm already fucked with jimmy. Crystal has been cool I do have to say about letting me see him, I just can't see him yet cause I don't want him to see me this way. Your Stronger than I am, You can go on like its another day with Sky or at work, around friends, even at home. Your built that way to not let it bother you. Its like business to you. Seems weird not being at work, seeing everyone in My IM and none that talk to me. Crazy going from like 200K with bonuses together, and even just breaking down to myself like I need to do now, $135 a year, to Filing for Unemployment I probably wont get and Temp Disability to get my mind right. Cool Food stamps and the Welfare Check! I'm glad you got to keep your job, disappointed you used my blog against me. That was real thoughts and emotions, the Hate post was from Chris. It doesn't matter now, I just want you to know thst was pretty low, even the book, if you actually sit down and read it. I have Insurance until the end of the month so they are doing a Lyden Factor 5 teat and a full STD panel so I don't have to do it at a free clinic so I'll be able to tell you if you meed those meds or not. I really hope I can get at least a medical card, my script for lamictal is $716 a month. I went to walmart to try to buy them all outright for the cheap ones since I already had Insurance pay them. some were ok, but the psych and sleeping meds are crazy expensive. I really hope your having a good life, I am very hurt about alot, nut not angry besides with myself. I'm upset I put you into a position to not give me your phone number. I gave you mine as soon as it switched. Its your call and what you think is right, so its all good. It will be one of those things that eats me inside out though, because I though I was a better person than what apparently I am. A restraining order, A Number and Addy change with no info, and no contact. I feel like I wasted 3 years of your life, even as a friend to let it get that bad. Sorry I wasted that time. Maybe if I would have done things different it Toledo, or never came to Toledo you could be living this perfect life that I held you back from. I talked to a Psych and "waste of time" came up a lot so I see how she thinks I wasted your time. Anyway, I'm sorry for that. But I'm going yo go grab s drink.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

- Chris says,


Sorry homie, you can't expect people to understand what's misunderstood. But, being misconceived, I over-stand. Every thing happens for a reason.... I am sorry for any trouble my words have caused, but I don't apologize for my right to speak. To those who may not aknowledge the importance of expression.... Suck my barb-wire wrapped cock. And, by the way... thanks for tuning in.

Hook Me UP

I am DIK!! Hook is DIK!! I am happy to have a place for me to do my poetry, thanks Dog. I have never been interested in writing for some one to see. I was looking for an honest escape, I wrote "HATE". I did it from my soul, you don't think it's o.k.; BLOW ME!! There are an unknown number of children being solicited every day on the internet, and my words r what's important? I made "HATE" from my heart, your so vein.... you probably think the poem is about you.... Don't flatter yourself. Fuck you, blow me, I am Chris. Thumb TUCKED 4 life. Court cases and money come and go, but honor and pride are hard to find. SUCK MY DIK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

To K- Seriously Important.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4k1V45b-Ww


There is the PERFECT answer I can give you. Lyrics are below. Listen too it, it will help, a 3 year relationship, may need help in the next one.

Read and re re the words.

Pills

I just popped some and I don't know what the were. -j

To My X Love

it's not my mind -repeat x6
not my mind -repeat x6

yo J

and I get a little bit

your veins flow with poison
please acknowledge my present
this precous gift I behold disgaurded like trash
to dominate, it's in your nature, you selfish brat

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

strange things occuring
happening over and
over and over again
now bitch you are cruelty
you bark your orders with such a degrading dialect

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
and I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

gonna funk it up

one minute you think you're all this
the next minute you think you're all that
but your playin' with a nova momma didn't show ya
how to take gettin' canned by the man when it's over
I'll be hunting you down
waiting for the payback, your frown
begging me for your mercy
I ain't down with the sympathy you see
and I always remember your tender love
wipe me under the rug
just so you can step on my spine
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x2

(?) inflicted reminds me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I'd like to rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine _please don't make me_ -repeat x2
you're so sweet -repeat x3
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x3
so (?)was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
you're so sweet -repeat x3

you're always right and I'm always wrong
not my mind
that's why you love me so much
not my mind
you're so sweet
not my mind
I love you
you're so sweet
I love you
not my mind -repeat x4
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