Monday, July 10, 2000

Journal Entry

Ok, Well, I’m writing this e-mail because I Kinda feel bad for being kinda distant to you the last few days… So I figured I would write to at least let you know, if nothing else cause I do love you, And I don’t want to be like that….. So, Hummm… where to start… well I guess by telling you that this will be the first time I have ever written this, or talked to ANYONE about this… And I mean anyone…. This is the Root of my psychological problems, which I choose to hide and ignore… Only, I bury it so deep that it has eaten me away from the inside out… This is My WALLS.. My walls that have grown so big that I have locked myself away from family, friends, general people, and happiness… This is my depressed side…. The side Of me that sits alone for days paronid and schizophrenic, smoking Bud to try to feel normal again… Locking myself away from all contact… Tripping in my head… just thinking, and being pessimistic…. Alone, not wanting to be saw, or touched, or spoken too…. All the bullshit about my family, lost loves in the past, psychic influences I Get, drugs, everything….. Yeah they all affected me, but not like this has, This is What I use those excuses to cover up, just so I don’t have to talk about it……. This is when I block out reality, and live in an emotional, and psychological hell….. This Is when nothing matters, not even life.
Well, Ok… That is just a background, but I couldn’t even begin to explain the effect it has had on me….. The paranoia to the point of not even trusting myself… Or thinking everysingle person is talking about me….. and laughing…… So yeah…

when you ask why I look away…. Because I can’t look people in the eyes, I am not worthy…. I think I am meant to be alone, alone locked away from everyone just so I can protect myself from being hurt… I guess part of the problem too is that I way hypersensitive…. And can take things meant as a joke to heart, and even though I may laugh and kid about it to the outside world.. inside it is tearing me apart sometimes for months.. I can’t seem to let anything go and It all just piles on top of each other…….. Like God is trying to humble me or something… Well he succeded… To the point where I don’t think I’m good at anything… To the point where I sit behind closed doors locked away and become so depressed all I can do is cry…. I hate to think about this….. Everytime I do it takes days, sometimes weeks before I am normal again… and no one can change it… I’m sorry but not even you….. So yeah…. Anything to do with teeth makes me fuul fledged trip….. which I really can’t expect you to understand since you never have triped.. but no matter what anyone tells you it’s like, It’s only like 1 thing Scitzophrenia.. I can be drawn into this world with the slightest thing…. Smoking bud helps quiet the voices and bring me out of it… So, yeah, I’m sorry I broke our promise, I smoked some bud.. I understand if you hate me, or think you have to cut yourself just to spite me… It’s my fault…. It always is as with everything else in my life….. I just wish I could live on an island alone away from everyone so I don’t have to cause anyone pain or grief….. it’s
been my life story…… After all this I really don’t think I could quit smoking…. It’s the only thing that works.. I tried prozac, and paxil and Zoloft… all the meds for that type of shit and they make me worse….. I don’t smoke bud for enjoyment which is why it iss hard… If it was like drinking, then that would be no problem… but bud is my way out… out of the inside world…. Not like I got to smoke it everyday or anything I went for a long while without it…. But times like this it becomes my meds…. I know It sounds like excuses to smoke bud, but I’m being honest and not hiding anything… Besides I wouldn’t even use excuses this far into the letter.. I would just tell you straight up….. I’m sure you already hate me by now……. I guess I don’t know what to say from here…. It isn’t anything I ever want to talk about….. I guess I just want to leave it at this, and bury everything Again.. I just thought if I was ever going to tell anyone… It should be you….. Heather I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way….. It was just like My little bubble of protection by you was burst, and I kinda sunk into reality for a sec, and back to this point, which I haven’t been In since I met you…. I do Love you honey…. I hope we can still be together, But I will understand if you never write back, or call again…. I will just accept it as another thing to beat me to humility…
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