Friday, October 19, 2007

Me=Ugly, insecure, worthless, no self confidence, depressed, stupid, a baby, unwanted, unattractive, That pretty much sums it up.

My Wall

I have never said anything to ANYONE else I am about to say here. This is my real wall, my wall I put up for protection. I am tearing down the last brick of it for you. I hurt you, and I now give you my full trust, words are words, this is action even though in words. What I will write are the things that haunt me, inner demons that you could use against me, and have been before even without the person doing it knowing. I don’t think that you will and I trust that you won’t. This all may make you think less of me as a person too. If so, then I guess there is nothing I can do about it. I would wall up completely knowing someone knew what I was saying, and I don’t want to wall up with you, but I also don’t want to talk about it as I’ll explain later, It will be uncomfortable for me for a minute after you read this, please just understand from what you read. I WANT to change Kate, I NEED to change, I feel I have already, this will make it complete. With this, there is nothing I won’t ever be able to hold back from you or against you because you will have the very things that can hurt me more than anything. You may find it stupid, sometimes I think about it and I think it is, but the fact remains that for one reason or another, it bothers me completely. Like I said, you are the only person I will ever share this with, and I’ve never even written it before, you asked me if I need counseling though, and I don’t, I need to overcome what I already know. I will try to do this in a way that makes sense, but it is very hard.
Early Childhood:
My parents were never there for me. My mom never Kissed me, and was never at home, my dad was in the hospital most of the time, and when he wasn’t he was in a hospital bed we had in our living room drugged up. I remember feeling helpless a lot, and rejected by my own mother, This was a really young age too, probably like you and your dad. I don’t remember much early memories, 1 I do is My dad leaving for the coal mine one night, late, picking me up and giving me a kiss. He had the hat on with the light, and dirty old clothes, and he had a full beard and mustache at that time. It was in the doorway between our dining room and kitchen, I was in a diaper and a white t shirt. I remember that like it happened 5 minutes ago and I don’t know why. I think that was the night my dad got hurt. I cried a lot at that time, and had nightmares. My mom would just yell and scream at me and I just wanted my dad to be home from the hospital to protect me from her. This was the start of my wall. I had to hold in my feelings and not cry or my mom would hit me. I really don’t know how old I was, but it was really young. I think that also made me a little intimidated around women, at least that was the start of that too. I was made to feel unloved and worthless with my mom. My dad always loved me, and always showed it, but there was a lot of time he wasn’t there, or when he was he was out of it on drugs. So I spent most of my time alone. This isn’t my wall, just the beginning of it.
Growing up I had 3 real friends, 1 is Doty, who I still talk too, 1 another guy I don’t talk to and haven’t for awhile, and a Girl named Cathy that was like a tomboy. She went to catholic school, and we pretty much all did everything together. I say this because of how the family life was, I pretty much learned everything from my friends, I never had a sex talk, or a don’t do drugs talk, do your homework, etc. I can’t even really remember having a meal cooked except a few times. It would be like having sky wake herself up for school, cook her own breakfast, walk to school, walk home, fix dinner, do whatever, you talk to her for 20 minutes then leave, her get a shower, get in bed and do it all over. It was seriously like that. I interacted with my parents for an hour at the most usually. I was forced to do everything on my own.

The Divorce
When my parents started fighting a lot, I would go into the woods and sit alone and cry. I was older, but I felt like it was my fault, and they put me in the middle, like we were property that they could use against each other. I hung out with my friends a lot more, skipped school, started smoking, It was like 12 or 13. I got busted for Arson with Doty for setting a pine tree on fire and we had to do community service at the fire dept. That doesn’t matter much, but for the story, we would go down and set up for bingo every Tuesday and then hang out in the fire trucks and smoke and talk until it was over. Cathy would be there too and we played truth or dare and that was my first kiss. Don’t get bored there really is a point to all of this, and it seems like all this means nothing, but it will all tie together, I promise. Well anyway, the rest of my life went on for awhile with me listening to heavy metal hate the world type stuff cause the music reflected my emotions and I would still sit alone. Moving on. Me and Cathy started dating at like 15. She was my first Girlfriend. We dated till I moved to Athens to go to college in 1994. With my parents divorce, I hated my new step mom. I stayed with my dad but she made me feel totally unwanted too. It was always how bad we were and how great her kkids were. She took the only thing I really had in family; my dad, from me. He didn’t even stick up for me. At the same time, after my mom moved out I never went to visit her. In fact, I didn’t see her for about 6 or 7 years, she lived a half a block from my dads. Well after the whole step mom incident, I moved in with Cathy I was 16 or 17, because my step mom wanted me out of the house, and my dad let her have her way. Cathys dad was a Cop and a real asshole alcoholic, but he let me stay there on the couch which was cool. This all is really meaningless except for the fact that cathy became pretty dominant, and I had already seen my mom do it, then my dad let my step mom do it, so it was like, This is how it is, I got to let her control me and have her way. It all shaped my life and views of relationships and women. At that point I was unhappy, and really depressed, That’s when I started smoking weed. It made me forget about things.
I moved to Athens for college, and Cathy came down, and was raped. I felt helpless and angry, but could do nothing. We kinda grew apart after that, I think it was the long distance relationship, and her not wanting to go to Athens. She broke up with me and I met Stephanie through a guy she was dating on the computer. Me and him became friends, then me and her ended up hooking up. I did a lot more drugs. Trying to make this the abridged version so I’m not boring you. Well that didn’t really work out either. I dropped out of school, moved back to Ohio and did more drugs. I thought at the time they helped, but they just made things worse. I had now only dated 2 girls in my entire life. I asked a couple of others out and was rejected. The fear of rejection I had from my mom rejecting me made it so hard, I would rather be alone than ask a girl out and have her tell me no. I have always been geeky to, and I feet ugly, like no one would ever want to be with me.
Well, this is the foundation, the underlying if you want to hurt me just use this. Doing a lot of acid, I started tripping alone most of the time. In those trips I would self analyze and pick all my faults and why I was worthless and ugly like My mom did when I was young.
I still feel that way, I feel embarrassed, and ashamed. I feel ugly, I feel like no one would ever want to be with me, I’m not confident, I can’t make friends, I can’t ask women out, Look with you, you made the move.
With you, you are beautiful, inside and out, I am inside most of the time, but you were head cheerleader, looks that kill, everyone wants to be with, and I was the one that got laughed at, and made fun of, and no girl ever wanted to even talk to. My point is, that’s the other half of my insecurity, its not like I don’t know where it comes from. I do, I don’t need a counselor to tell me. I have never been loved, until you. I have dated 3 girls before you, all of which I shouldn’t have but I did. I never had the confidence to ask out bunches of girls, or even feel like I could. When I was dealing drugs I felt that confidence, and girls wanted to be with me, but it was for the drugs, not for me.
All the events leading up to now I have been shit on by women, never been loved even by my own mother, have been made the joke, and laughed at and had all my imperfections pointed out. I guess I never felt I deserved you and always wondered what the catch was, like why this beautiful woman want to be with me when I’m so ugly. I know how wrong I was now. Its kinda like beauty and the geek, that’s honestly how I feel. And I have never had anyone of your caliber even talk to me, let alone want to be with me so I couldn’t believe it. The rest you know from emotional breakdowns so I won’t go into it all again. The bottom line comes down too I feel embarrassed, and ashamed of myself, I can’t smile, I’m not confident. This is my deepest and darkest truth that haunts me. This is the core of my soul. I need help, I want those pills that’s why I made the appt. I also realize now that you did love me, I fucked it up like the rest of my life, but I will do whatever it takes to get it back. This is the start. Honey if I ever hurt you, all you need to do is comment on this. It will hurt me more than anything. This is my trust in you, the only person in the world that knows the very thing that destroys me daily, the person I tell this too when I shut out anyone else that even looks wrong. Please don’t hold this against me, or use it against me, or think its stupid, or even comment. I’m not looking for a reaction, I Really don’t even want one, I just want to try to rebuild what I destroyed by sharing my darkest parts, a show of trust, this to me is more than any phone call or email or txt message, I trust you with this, I’ll prove the rest.
Me=Ugly, insecure, worthless, no self confidence, depressed, stupid, a baby, unwanted, unattractive,
That pretty much sums it up.

Monday, October 8, 2007

My Journal to mYSELF

I am making things worse by trying to say how I feel. I thought I was on to something, that if I opened up for once in my life It would be what would solve things. I was wrong, as usual. I am making her feel worse, so maybe I have been right the whole time, its better to keep things to myself. I put together a DVD and poured my heart into it, I cried for hours listening to every note of the music, and looking at every picture. When she watched it it still didn’t help things I feel totally like I am not worth it, I’m not worth fighting for and its already over, the time is just to make it easier. Like when I’m gone, she can make the arrangements. I totally fucked myself over petty shit, and I am so depressed I can’t eat, or sleep, I feel cramps in my stomach and I’m dizzy, and all my thoughts are of her. I fucked up the best thing I ever had, And I’m scared of going on without her. I miss her already, its so cold around here, I feel terrible. I used to write like this, just to get it out to feel better, I am trying it again because I have to do something to feel better. Its so sad I’m not even happy to be going to see my kids, and I love and miss them so much. In a nutshell I am worthless to her, I’m worthless to my kids, I’m worthless to myself. I have been so selfish.