Sunday, October 15, 2000

Letter To Stephanie

A Letter to Stephanie.

Wow, Where do I start? It’s been awhile huh? It’s kinda funny that the minute I convince myself that I’ll never talk to you, or see you again, you mom shows up at my work asking how to get ahold of me. That’s pretty crazy. I always heard you never find what you are looking for until you quit looking, I guess it works out kinda funny They were right. Ok, So about that start, This is going to put a lot of stuff to rest for me steph. All I ask is that you read it word for word, from beginning to end before you say anything about it, or quit reading. This letter is my psychatrist,  I will use it to tell you everything I have needed to tell you for a long time now. Things that have totally changed who I am Steph. Yeah it may have been some Hard stuff I had to deal with, but I finally can see the whole picture now, And I thank you for all the times your Life has crossed mine. You have truly made me a better person without even knowing.

So ok, back to the little story. Wow, It seems like so long now. Up until now, when I see you again, I didn’t realize Just how long it has been. I guess I have lived in a fantasy world since we broke up. And to be honest, I don’t even remember Us Breaking up. I mean I know we did, I just can’t remember any of the conversation, what it was all about, where I was, anything. Whats really odd about that is I can remember everything else of our relationship Crystal clear. Like When you were dating dustin and we stopped at the football field, looking for that girls sister, and you guys went back under the bleachers. I stayed in the car and When you came out, you were walking in back, and when you got close to the car you flashed me real quick and then just looked at me and smiled. I’ll never forget how I felt at that moment, or your face. You stole my heart back then Steph, Looking at you I saw the most beautiful creature God created. I’ve tried to analyze our relationship a lot, and when I talk to people about it, I just tell them we “Clicked”. I say it was telekinetic, fate, soulmates, or whatever else you want to call it, but It is all the same. We never really ever talked about it when we were together, but when we split up, I dedicated my life to trying to explain it. So anyways, this is my thoughts, I really don’t know if you ever felt the same, But at least I have to tell you how I felt. When I was with you Steph, It was like I could read your mind, Like literally. It seems like You never had to say a word, and I knew what you were thinking about, and especially how you were feeling. I could tell when you were truly happy, or just faking it, I could tell when you were upset, You didn’t have to say a waord. I know we talked about everything a lot, and so you would usually tell me when you were upset or happy or whatever anyway, but I guess It was just like, I already knew the story. I never in my life did that with anyone else. I didn’t really know why it was like that, or why I felt like that, but it was unreal. I remember times when you were hurt, I can think about them still today, and feel that pain in my chest, Everything you ever shared with me, I could “feel” When you were happy I was happy, When You were sad I was sad. Kinda like my emotions fed off of yours. I got into astrology because of those feelings. I had to see what it was about you that made me feel like that, and Why I never with anyone else. So that basically started everything. Astrology pretty much said everything I was trying to find out, everything seemed like it was exactly right about me. I did your chart, but didn’t have your birthtime, so I guessed and it also seemed really on about the kind of person you were, Except for a few things, But that was because the time was wrong. (I got the right time from your mom and finally got an exact chart, so now everything makes sense. I’ll give you a copy of it. And you can see what you think.) So yeah, That got me started on this whole relationship astrology kick. I tore our charts apart sepratly, and together. Looking at every aspect of our individual personalities, And our relationship to each other. Well, along the way, I guess I came to this conclusion that we were soul mates. Something I never knew about before. I started changing all my religious beliefs. I mean I believe in God, and Jesus, I just don’t really believe in organized church. It’s like Most of the people who say they are so holy are actually so hypicritical, but, That’s another story. Anyways, I started getting this fate thing in my head of how god programmed everyones life from the beginning, along with the choices we have, it’s just he had a path for every possible choice already planned. So this gets me thinking about Ok, I dropped out of college, I was only there to meet you. Like he had everything planned for me to find you. I was in a relationship with the only girl I ever slept with up to that point, Talking about getting married as soon as I finished school, Then I meet you, who the first time I ever see you, even though it was only for a second, when Me and dustin rode by the pool hall and you were standing in front, I fall in love, Real love. Not what I thought love was when I was with cathy. So yeah, 4 days later we Broke up. Even though nothing Happened with us, I just knew me and Cathy weren’t meant to be together. Well, you know the story, Time went by, and me and you hooked up. Steph, I remember the night you were fighting with dustin about that skank bitch he was getting weed off of and I was giving you a ride home. You just jumped across the seat and started kissing my neck.. I had chills so bad, It felt so right, I could feel my whole body tingle, I can still feel it and give myself chills.  Well, that whole time steph, all I ever wanted to do was be there for you, Serve you, pleasure you, do whatever for you, and I never wanted anything back in return. I had never given love freely like that before.. It always seemed with cathy It would be something Like I would do something for her, then later ask her to do something for me cause I did it for her. I did that in everyother relationship I was in after you too.. It Wasn’t like that at all with you. I mean you always did everything for me anyways so I would never have to ask anyways, but the point is that all that mattered was that you were happy. It all goes back to that, when your happy I’m happy, when your sad, I’m sad thing. It was like I never looked at it as me and you. I always saw it as Us. If anyone challenged you, they challenged me too. Steph, Your probably sick about now, but, Just laugh, I promise it isn’t going to be one of those depressing, Oh You should break up with your man and go back with me letters, I just have to tell you everything. The one thing I missed the most was You as my friend. As The Best Friend I ever had. The friend that knew everything about me, that I couldn’t hide anything from, and never wanted to anyway. That’s why you get this letter steph. Because You are the one who’s opinion matters to me. I Had a few real close friends that were girls, not girlfriends, in the last five years that I told everything I am telling you now. It’s just, I don’t really think they understood. They would say they did, But I don’t really think they did. I know you will. If no one else in the world Knows, I know you will. So ok where was I. Oh yeah, We dated everything was cool, we moved to Columbus, and Shit just went downhill. Let me start by saying two things I have needed to say for a long time. Stephanie , I am so sorry I spent so much time on the computer. Not that it even matters anymore, But I just wanted you to know that. I wish I would have spent every minute I had Just holding you. The Other Thing that I regret to this day, and will probably haunt me every day till I die is that I didn’t run away with you the night before you had to go back to your dads. Hard to tell how things would have been If I would have just been like Fuck it lets go.

So yeah, We move to Columbus with no where to live, your moms all fucked up over jeff, We Got to donate plasma to have money to eat, The abortion, Yeah those were some pretty hard times. Through it all though, I loved you more and more. You know back then, It may have been an escape from everything for you for us to get married, But I was all about it for the simple fact that I knew you were special, I knew I wanted to be with you, To make you my wife. But, as fate works it’s magic, It didn’t happen. So we move on, You go to your dads, and I go to the valley. Here’s where Our life together left off until now. This is everything That happened in that time, And again, It’s just something I need to tell you. I don’t want you to think I’m telling you all this to make you feel bad or anything Steph. It’s just like I said Before, This is my psychatrist, and I need to let it out, and you are the only one who will understand, and needs to hear it.

Ok. Well, lets see. The Ride home. I listen to Love songs and cried. Yeah I’m a bitch I guess.. It just hurt so bad. I got home and stayed with my cousin for a few weeks.. In which time I started smoking weed a lot to try to forget about stuff and make Three years pass by quick till you were eighteen. We talked a lot on the phone and stuff. I had your dog stuffed animal And your perfume. I would spray the dog and sleep with him everynight.  I wore your rings for like a year after we broke up… Like I said before, I don’t really remember much about how it came we broke up, That whole part of my life is kinda just blocked, I can’t remember anything from that time. When I do remember is being broke up with you, getting into drugs more looking for answers. I turned into a full fledged Pot head, and Started Doing acid, coke, Crystal Meth, I even smoked crack there for awhile. Everything with us, and finding out my dad was real sick, and being in debt so bad, It all just happened, I was selling drugs to make money, and doing all the mony I made in drugs. I hope you don’t think any less of me, I am so sorry I ever did any of it now, But at the time, nothing Mattered, I really didn’t give a fuck about anything. Then One night on 2 Hits of Purple jesus and three Green Gel caps, I put a bullet in A Nine, And Put it in my mouth. That whole experience kinda messed me up pretty bad. I mean, I pulled the trigger, I should be dead, But it jammed, I took it out of my mouth, and put it in the air, pulled again, and It fired. Being on acid, I don’t know If I had a real religious experience, or if it was all imagined, but one thing is for sure, the gun didn’t go off In my mouth. So What it was like to me was like, It wasn’t my time yet, so God wouldn’t let me. Well, I started looking for answers, That’s when I got into astrology and All kind of psychic stuff. It was like When I was trippin, I would find myself. I didn’t do it with people after awhile, and I didn’t do it to get fucked up anymore. I did it to let out everything I had inside, From Childhood memories, To you. Always by myself. Well Throughout my studies of astrology, I find out about astral Projections, which are out of body experiences, which sounded exactly like what happened to me when I was trippin. I don’t know if you have ever done it before, I hope not, but, If so You may know what I mean. Well, I had a few real bad trips, and that’s when I realized These Experiences were happining without me having any control. Not a very pleasant thing.. It started out they were the very best feelings, But the bad ones were the very worst, Like The Good ones took me to Heaven, But The bad ones took me to Hell… It scared me a lot, I quit tripping and decided to get to that state of mind through meditation instead of drugs, A little late I guess, Cause I was having flash backs a lot even though I didn’t do anymore acid. I still have them sometimes now.. They only last like ten minutes at most, but they usually trigger panic attacks, Maiinly where I think I’m dying, cause That’s how the bad ones were. I really believe to this Day I died tripping, and came back to life. I guess All of this is just to let you get an idea of how my state of mind was at the time, but, I’ll get back to the story now. Well, I thought about you all the time, every minute, everything I did, It was about you, even though we weren’t together. I felt so lost without you it was unreal.. I let everything go while I lived in a depressing fantasy world of you. That is the point that I started writing the poems that turned into songs on the cd I gave you. I would sit by myself for hours, sometimes days, just thinking, and writing. I have a few notbooks of stuff I wrote from that time I want to turn into a book, I’ll have to show you sometime. It took me about two years before I dated anyone else. I dated this girl named Hedi that reminded me of you. We dated for about three weeks then broke up because I couldn’t stop thinking about you when I was with her. It seemed with her and everyone that followed I judged everything they did by you. By how perfect I thought our relationship was compared to the ones I was in. It was like I haven’t been able to live in the present. I got stuck in The past because I never really felt like we should have been split up. Like I had Everything I ever wanted and would never find anything better, ( Not that there is anything better, like I said Earlier, Gods most beautiful creature, Physically, Mentally and Emotionally) so I just wanted that back. So I waited another year, The whole time thinking of you still and wondering what you were doing, and How your life was, Then start dating this girl named Terri. She reminded me a lot of you because She was Feisty like you. She wouldn’t take anyones shit. We got along ok, them it just got out of hand, which I will admit was my fault, because I never put 100 percent into our relationship.. I always compared her to you, and The bad thing was I told her when I was doing it with things like, When I was With Stephanie, She Never did this, or Whatever. That’s the time I called you and You were pregnant with Kaytlin. You talked about joey, and I told you how much of a bitch Terri was. You also told me Joey was hitting you. I was Pissed.. Even though He was Going out with you, and I hadn’t seen you in a couple of years, I felt like I just wanted to kill him. I guess After that conversation, I thought maybe There was still a chanch for us to be together, you know that whole soulmates thing, so, Not long after I moved back to Columbus, and started back to work with My Uncle. I started straightening Up all my shit, and started making good money, got Microsoft certified as an engineer, and It seemed like My life was going great. Only I still felt empty. Everything still revolved around you. I would think about you all the time, Even dream of you a lot of the time. Believing I was getting some kind of Psychic link to your feelings if I concentrated hard enough. I tried to get ahold of you a few times but couldn’t And suddenly 2 years went by. I really questioned myself all the time. I had all these beliefs that all the psychic, astrology, soulmate, fate, thing was real, but at other times I would just think I was crazy, or obsessive, Scitzophrenic, whatever you want to call it. I Was so depressed through those five years, I let drugs run my life for awhile, I thought about you all the time, dedicated my free time to astrology ans religion, psychic things, all just to try to explain Our relationship. I sat down one day in my room, and played a few songs that really make me think of you really loud, and lie in my bed trying to figure out why I was so obsessive, and tell myself how pathetic I was to let all that time go by because I lost a girlfriend. I realized how pathetic my friends thought I was because I wasn’t playing every girl that came along like they were because I was In love with A Girl I hadn’t seen in 5 years waiting on a fantasy that she was my soulmate and we would be together again so I was going to wait on her. I thought of all this and realized It probably wouldn’t ever happen. I was foolish for thinking it would. So I started dating this girl named Heather. We got along really good, And I started new from there with her, Telling myself I Needed to get on with my life with someone else. I dated her for awhile and we got Engaged. Then a few weeks later I get a call from my office saying your mom was there looking for me. Everything I was trying to forget rushed back all at once. Your mom came over and we talked, I lied to her and said I wasn’t dating anyone, because Yeah, I was suddenly obsessed with you again, Not even that I ever really forgot, or that I could ever forget. Well that night me and your mom were talking and she asked me how I felt about you now. I had to be honest with her, so I told her “If it was between Steph Living Happy, or Me dying, I would slice my wrists and bleed To death right there.” Your mom was like, awww, I’m not trying to hear that, but It is how I felt, and I guess I will always feel Steph. The next time she came over she said You were all pissed she came over and didn’t want to talk to me. That I have to say hurt a little, I know you didn’t mean it like it came out to me, but at that time, I was just like shocked. Everything I came to believe as true about life to that point, was just proven wrong, and All the time I spent, was really me being crazy, ans Obsessive. Like I was making myself believe you were feeling the same, When Now I realize there is no way anyone could have ever done it. You had to get on with your life, I should have gotten on with mine, but I didn’t, so Now I had to try to catch up. Well, I finally got to talk to you, then Everything started falling in to place for me. I felt like a lot of pressure was finally lifted because I got to see you, Especially When I was able to give you The cd. I did it with all intents of 1 copy just for you, but I never really thought I would ever see you so I made 10, and gave them to 8 Of My closest friends, kept #1 For myself, And Saved #7 For you, For your Birthday. Kinda crazy I got to give it to you right after your B-day. I thought Of Making yours #7 along time before I ever saw you. Well anyways, This is getting Long, and I’m sure Boring, so I’ll rap it all up. This letter I guess is to tell you what Kind Of an impact you had on me steph. I bet you never had a clue huh? I still believe in Fate, and soulmates, But Now I See the fate could be We were Just So I could see that, now I need to take it as a great lesson and go on. Steph, You are my best friend, Even though I haven’t seen you in so long, You Still are. I hope we can always stay close, You see how it is when We don’t.  I Will ALWAYS Love you Stephanie Cheree Skeens. I only want The Best for you, I hope you and Joey Can Work Out your Problems, and you can Be happy, If not, You will make someone very happy Steph. Don’t ever settle for anything because you think you don’t have a choice. Remember You’re a Diamond, and You need to Be admired, It’s what you deserve. Me and Heather Broke up since I talked to you. But I really think that was meant to be too. We weren’t meant to be married, I was trying to fill that hole with her, and I knew it, I just wouldn’t admit it until now. I will be able to start fresh now, So I thank you again for Being there even though You didn’t even Know you were doing anything. Remember I will always be here for you. Even If I got married down the rode, If you needed me, I would be there In A Heart beat, Even If It meant I would Lose My Marriage. Who Knows, Maybe one day we will get back together And My dreams Would Turn to Reality. But I Am Now able to get that dream world behind me, and start my life new, And Everything from this point on with us, and everyone else, is the beginning. I won’t bring up any of the things I told you here again, unless you want to know anything, But I had to give this too you, just so I could free Myself From it. I have just felt trapped by it every time we talk, and It was like I was holding back, or hiding that part of me from you, and I didn’t know what else to talk about so it made things kind of awkward at times. Now that I told you, It can’t be in my head anymore, and now I won’t be all awkward when I talk to you, We can start brand new as friends, and forget all of the past. This Cd is made up of all the songs that have had a special place and will always make me think of you, Like Texas Tornado, and The Color Of My Love, A Song you gave me the words to in a letter. I Just had to tell you How much you really mean to me Steph, so that way I can never say I wish I would have told you when I had the chance.

I Love Ya Steph,


Thursday, August 3, 2000

Journal to Michelle

Whats up... I just wanted to write this to you to come clean about evertything that has been going on lately... Fist off, let me tell you the reason I never told you any of this is because I am a pretty shy person. I guess the reason is from having my heart broke once, and the fact that I get real strong psychic influences....... Some people may say it's a gift, but Sometimes I think it is more of a nightmare... An example is , When I meet someone for the first time, before they even say a word, I can tell what kind of person they are, and if I will like them or not.... Sounds cool, but It isn't, because that also means everytime I have ever fell in love, I mean tru love, (which is two times now) It has been at first sight. I can see the whole relationship, and see how it could be, And the potential that it has. The down side is that I don't know how to put those feelings into words.... It is so hard for me to make anykind of first moves, or anything like that. Soo... it ends up, that I can't tell you how I feel, The only way to tell you is to show you, but unfortunatley, its hard to just say, hey, let me show you how much I love you... It Just doesn't work that way.......

We have talked about steph, and yes I loved her and still love her with all my heart, but .. The potential I saw with you totally overrode anything we ever had..... But, Tonight, I see I don't got a chance, and thats cool... I mean, I know it's my fault, It always is, But the look in your eyes when you were with that dude, just made me accept that the feelings I was having were true. I wanted to see that look for me, but, I guess no matter what I do, It's not going to happen...
Jenny told me that the only reason you came out was to see him too.. so That was just the icing on the cake... I'm sorry, for thinking I had a chance... It's the astrology charts that thow me every time........ It looked so good I thought it couldn't go wrong... I guess this just proves that nothing is for sure..... I'm going to send a copy of the chart so you can see what I was going by....

It kinda sucks Michelle, because every emotion I have comes from feeling, not thought... I'm just sorry, I mistook the feelings... I won't lie.. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you..... I saw my live with you planned out to the end...... I hate the whole venus in pisces in the 5th house thing I got going on in my chart, because it stands for self sacrifice in relationships......... Which is getting old...

I know you will love me one day... Every girl I know always does just because I can understand them and relate toi what they are going through..... I just wanted you to be diffrent... I didn't want you to fall into that "best Friend love" I wanted to really get into you.... But.. Since It won't happen that way, I just want you to know I am still here for you, and I'll still be your best friend.......

I Don't have a very high self confidence level when it comes to girls, And tonight I saw I was just kidding myself feeling comfortable with you....... I know In my heart, I could be the best thing in the world for you, but in my head, I know, I don't got a chance......

It's been 4 years since my heart was broken.. and I do need to thank you for showing me, (even though you didn';t know).. That it could be so much better.... You brought me out of the heart ach....,, I wish sometimes I wasn't so damn sensitive, but I know I can't change it so I just got to deal with it........

I want you to know exactly how I felt though, just so you don't accept any less... I will be happy for you if you are happy, as long as you are being treated like you deserve.... Like candlelight dinners for 2, And 3 when jacobs up.... Bubblebaths, holding you so close at night just to feel you breath.. rubbing fingers through your hair, untill you go to sleep.... kissing you from head to toe...... flowers for no reason..... and sex with the only purpose of making you realize how much you are loved and how you can touch a persons soul......

Anyways though.. I'm drunk, and this is getting long, so please just do me the favor of reading the chart I send you just so you can read it and tell me what I did wrong.. I live by the charts and I just need to know if they are bullshit or not....,, I can't base my live around something I believe to be so true, if it's all a bunch of crap......

I won't be comming to raoadhouse that much anymore just because I know when I'm not drunk tomarrow, and I realize I sent this I will wish I never,.... And I also don't want you to be uncomfortable at all....... I saw the look. and it was for the dude you were with.. It seems like he is who you want, and who you need to get your spirits up again..., so I will just step out of the picture and not bug you any more..... I will still be your friend though, and you got my number if you ever need anything........

I Love You Michelle... and I know you you will say, how can I say I love you when we hardley even know each other, But. Trust me I know you.... I know everything about you.. I can read you like you wouldn't believe.... That is how I Know That I Can say I love you.....

And Ireally think you can do the same with me..... That's why I said I love how you can read me the other day..... Your the first person in my life that I ever thought could tell what I was feeling..........

Good Night Sweetie... And please, Don't feel weird about this mail... It isn't meant to make it weird, and it isn't to make you feel bad or anything like taht... I just needed to get it off my chest, and to be honest.. your the only person I trust to say it to.....

Monday, July 10, 2000

Journal Entry

Ok, Well, I’m writing this e-mail because I Kinda feel bad for being kinda distant to you the last few days… So I figured I would write to at least let you know, if nothing else cause I do love you, And I don’t want to be like that….. So, Hummm… where to start… well I guess by telling you that this will be the first time I have ever written this, or talked to ANYONE about this… And I mean anyone…. This is the Root of my psychological problems, which I choose to hide and ignore… Only, I bury it so deep that it has eaten me away from the inside out… This is My WALLS.. My walls that have grown so big that I have locked myself away from family, friends, general people, and happiness… This is my depressed side…. The side Of me that sits alone for days paronid and schizophrenic, smoking Bud to try to feel normal again… Locking myself away from all contact… Tripping in my head… just thinking, and being pessimistic…. Alone, not wanting to be saw, or touched, or spoken too…. All the bullshit about my family, lost loves in the past, psychic influences I Get, drugs, everything….. Yeah they all affected me, but not like this has, This is What I use those excuses to cover up, just so I don’t have to talk about it……. This is when I block out reality, and live in an emotional, and psychological hell….. This Is when nothing matters, not even life.
Well, Ok… That is just a background, but I couldn’t even begin to explain the effect it has had on me….. The paranoia to the point of not even trusting myself… Or thinking everysingle person is talking about me….. and laughing…… So yeah…

when you ask why I look away…. Because I can’t look people in the eyes, I am not worthy…. I think I am meant to be alone, alone locked away from everyone just so I can protect myself from being hurt… I guess part of the problem too is that I way hypersensitive…. And can take things meant as a joke to heart, and even though I may laugh and kid about it to the outside world.. inside it is tearing me apart sometimes for months.. I can’t seem to let anything go and It all just piles on top of each other…….. Like God is trying to humble me or something… Well he succeded… To the point where I don’t think I’m good at anything… To the point where I sit behind closed doors locked away and become so depressed all I can do is cry…. I hate to think about this….. Everytime I do it takes days, sometimes weeks before I am normal again… and no one can change it… I’m sorry but not even you….. So yeah…. Anything to do with teeth makes me fuul fledged trip….. which I really can’t expect you to understand since you never have triped.. but no matter what anyone tells you it’s like, It’s only like 1 thing Scitzophrenia.. I can be drawn into this world with the slightest thing…. Smoking bud helps quiet the voices and bring me out of it… So, yeah, I’m sorry I broke our promise, I smoked some bud.. I understand if you hate me, or think you have to cut yourself just to spite me… It’s my fault…. It always is as with everything else in my life….. I just wish I could live on an island alone away from everyone so I don’t have to cause anyone pain or grief….. it’s
been my life story…… After all this I really don’t think I could quit smoking…. It’s the only thing that works.. I tried prozac, and paxil and Zoloft… all the meds for that type of shit and they make me worse….. I don’t smoke bud for enjoyment which is why it iss hard… If it was like drinking, then that would be no problem… but bud is my way out… out of the inside world…. Not like I got to smoke it everyday or anything I went for a long while without it…. But times like this it becomes my meds…. I know It sounds like excuses to smoke bud, but I’m being honest and not hiding anything… Besides I wouldn’t even use excuses this far into the letter.. I would just tell you straight up….. I’m sure you already hate me by now……. I guess I don’t know what to say from here…. It isn’t anything I ever want to talk about….. I guess I just want to leave it at this, and bury everything Again.. I just thought if I was ever going to tell anyone… It should be you….. Heather I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way….. It was just like My little bubble of protection by you was burst, and I kinda sunk into reality for a sec, and back to this point, which I haven’t been In since I met you…. I do Love you honey…. I hope we can still be together, But I will understand if you never write back, or call again…. I will just accept it as another thing to beat me to humility…

Saturday, June 3, 2000

Journal Entry

Well, here is the first test…. I’m listenin to eminem – Stan….. Thinking about heather….. Wow….. Ok, Here is jimmy trippin…. I haven’t wrote for awhile, But That’s because I’ve been happy…. So, Well,… Himm.. Where to start…. Well, I guess with heather telling me I haven’t seen her mood swings….. I kinda think, she thinks about that a lot, because she thinks, if I see her having mood swings, I won’t like her anymore, Or I’ll think she’s all fucked up…… I really think she thinks this is a dream world she’s living in, and . One day it will end…. But that has to be my fault…. I’m fucked up because I rushed shit to quick…. Like I kinda just sweep her along with words, and she fell for the words, not the feeling…. Not saying she doesn’t love me or anything like that, cause Our relationship is awesome.,, But, I can always Just feel people, and I don’t know if anyone else does it as strong, so I don’t know If anyone can relate to how I feel things….. And With heather, it only took one site, and I felt the whole relationship, everything good and everything bad. I Clicked with her the first time I saw her, And then like 15 minutes later, I’m kissing her in E’s Green troom….And from there to talking to her on the phone, and her coming back to Cinco Demayo, And Us Chillin all night, and going to breafast in the morning,And Then talking with her for hours That feel like minutes…. I can talk to her about everything, And she relates, We click so well, I knew from the feeling again I wanted to be with her forever…. Where I think I fucked up was, I could tell everything about her, I could relate to everything she was about, And I knew that from getting that Feeling when I saw her The first time, And I don’t know if she did the same, or if it all just sounds good in words…. I really think she felt it, but Here in My first “Mood Swing” since we been together….., So I have to question everything….. My problem: Mass depression swings…. Humm… Well even though being able to “Feel people like that” sounds cool, and even as though I may be happy I can do it, But, with that is all the bad along with the good….. It’s not like I can do it selectively or anything, so I am constantly feeling everyone I come in contact with, And there are way more bad ones than good, That’s why I have few friends I guess…. So I can feel everyones depression, paranoia, anger, hate, violence, Lies, and sadness also…. So I guess my whole point is, my depression swings come about pretty easily…. I just kinda hibernate by myself, away from everyone, and bring myself down to the very bottom and then return….. It makes the feeling I get from people stronger everythime…. These are my periods of seclusion….. So I guess this one was brought on by Heather going out with matt to the movies…… I told her to go so she could get out of the house, But I knew I would swing like this… Maybe that’s why I wanted her to go….. So I could give up my biggest secret to her, give her my Total trust, Just to see if My feelings for her were right from the beginning.. because I really think she will feel me, But I still have the question “What if she doesn’t” In the back of my head….. My fear of her being able to use it against me, or think I’m totally fucked up and never want to talk to me again….. But I Fell for her hard, and I need to be sure, And actions are better than words. So I guess this is my test to see if I’m the one living in a dream world…. I hope it doesn’t sound selfish, but I know if I Know it is for real, I’m capable of the most selfless love, My problem with always putting girls up on a pedastool before which led me to not being able to trust girls because I always got walked on then hurt. But I need to know, So now I guess I let down the wall I built up to keep everyone out, and see if heather wishes to join me….. Or hurt Me. I’ve managed to keep everyone out my entire life, My parents, teachers, friends,… But If Me and heather are getting married, I need to Know for sure, I don’t want to hide anything from her, I want her to know me completely, exactly as I am, and not How I portray myself to everyone.

So yeah, I got hurt when she said she was going out with matt, then again when she said he is asking her out again, then again when she felt bad for him upstairs so she got off the phone with me…. See I know It shouldn’t bother me, because I really believe her that there is nothing between them, But I still have the question because she’s allowed to see him, Her parents like him, she was with him for 8 months, everyone said she loved him a lot, and then ther is me, who she can’t see, parents don’t like, and have only known for a little while. She knows his story, she told me that. This is my problem.. I get hurt way to easy, and I trip in my head on the smallest of things…. I don’t want to get heather all into me, then one day trip like this and then her hate me…. And wish she stayed with matt… I don’t want to do that to her, so I Have to say all this now. I’m not proud of my past at all…… I’m not proud that I can relate most to rap music, It just says everything I feel, and have been through… The person that wishes to know me can tell by what I listen too…. Every song for a different feeling, from a different time in my life….. Right now, I’m listening to Cradel to the grave From Thug Life….. Along with my depression, builds my hate, everything I hold inside, all comes together at once, all the shit, I’ve been through comes to gether, And just builds, the anger inside is what I hate.. I can release it By writing, or listening to music, so through rap comes my hate, all in a song.. this song has a real deep meaning… The verse is just so on,

“April 10th the rainy day My momma gave birth
To A Baby boy trapped in hell on earth
From day 1 it wasn’t fun I never had a crumb
Daddy worked two jobs and momma won’t stop drinking rum

I tried to cope loc But My Family’s broke
And My Pockets short so Now I got to slang dope
In A Game filled with pain it’s a fuckin shame
The white man got a mother fucker slangin cain

So now it’s on from dusk till dawn
I’m getting my serve on Alwys in my spot with my rocks
Slangin rock after rock, the shit don’t stop I’m steady doging cops
I never flip flop In my drop top thug till I drop

And If I hit the pen I gotta do my time
Sitting On My Bunk reminice about the good times
It’s fucked Up A G Has Got to come up doing dirt
But from the cradle to the grave I’m gonna put in work”

The root of my Mistrust of everyone……Trust for only myself….. But I’m so lonely trusting only me, no one to talk to, so I click with heather, and decide to let her in…

Now Rome – I belong to you is on….. awhhhh.. I miss heather so much……

“Every time I See your face It makes me want to sing, and Everytime I Think about your love it drives me Crazy…”

“Hey My Lady, Tell me whats wrong with your boyfriend
Ahhh.. come on. He holds the key, to your heart
But he don’t love ya baby, baby, like I do I only want to be with you
Girl you are the love of my life , baby
I can give it to you baby
You belong to me and only me baby,

I belong to you, I Belong, I give all my love to you
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy.”

That is an awesome song, I listened to it like 30 times one night sitting here looking at her picture….

I need her…. I don’t know if she knows that… But I need her because she is the only person I ever felt this comfortable with… She is My Lover, My Best Friend, My Fieance. My World…… I just want to be with her, No mater what else happens, as long as I can be with her…. She has Already helped me so much without even knowing it……

I had a pretty bad dream last night that my grandfather died, but then it turned into my dad…. It was pretty vivid, but I forgot most of it, because I refused to write it earlier, because It fucked me up… And I didn’t want to remember it…..

I need someone I can cuddle up with, someone that can protect my emotions, even though that sounds stupid, and I can be hard as fuck on the outside wanting to fight whoever, But Inside, I can be so hurt with just the wrong choice of wo0rds…. I think heather can help me out of it though, Not because she will never say the wrong words sometimes, but because she is the only person I trust, so I know they weren’t meant the way I interpreted them….

I’m trying to change from my past.. I want to be able to trust people, I don’t qwant to hold everything in until I explode and Go crazy… And heather helps me release my inhibitions…. Because she’s not just walking on me, she actually cares for how I’m feelin and what I’m doing…

It just sux cause shes out with mattr right now, when she should be with me….. I’m sure she would feel the same though if I said I was going out with my X, And Then called her from her house and said she has been trying to get me back…. So I know she has to relate to whaty I’m saying, But, I also know If it were the other way around, I would be telling her there is nothing to worry about, so I also got to Relate to her right now…

Heather has brought me closer to god, so, I’m going to quit writing, and go with it, and accept whatever happens as god’s will…… If we really are meant to be together, this will all work out……. Either I’m meant to finally have happiness, or I’m still destined to be hurt.