Yesterday

I slept the entire day. I kept taking pills and drinking vodka just to stay asleep. I don't want to be awake. I am so alone. The Bipolar makes me feel alone, I've felt alone my whole life, and I sit is this huge house thinking of everything, alone. This is no way to live. I figured out I've become co-dependent since dating Crystal. Before that everything was fine, I actually was alone, by myself and not bothered by it for almost 11 years. Then I went from a 5 year relationship to a 3 year relationship, and I have no friends here, and its hard to even think what to do. I am co dependent. I am so sad, so down, worst every low even over my childhood experiences. My cat is even sad, because she took the others. Of well, Im going to go take some pills and drink some vodka and go back to sleep.

The Breakup.

K Just broke up with me, and is moving her stuff from the house. We were supposed to get married june 20th, now shes moving her stuff out. Crazy how life works, It was weeks she went without saying I love you. Jimmy didn't get any attention while he was here. So I have my dad with abnormal brain scans, my mom with lumps in her head we dont know what they are my son got sexually and physically abused, and hher reason was she can't deal with the drama. Can't deal with me and the X fighting over the kid, or all my family drama, and family IM, cant deal with my probblemws, or attitudes. Well fuck it. She admitted she is self centered, and Vain, and just cant be involced in all my life problems to help me fix them.......


Anyway write more later when I can see.......

Right after I dropped Jimmy off

This really is hard. I never want to give him back.

Last Night trip to Pick up J-dog for Easter Break

Wow......

Bad I thought I was going to be all happy, and I was, I got him in the car and he kept telling me how much he loved and missed me which made me feel great. Then he started talking about how the Ex's new boyfriends son beats him up, and they have to share a bed in a small room, they have a small tv, his grandma J yells at him, and burnt him, (he does have a mark across his back the same as from thanksgiving. He called me the X's BF's name, which about killed me. I started breaking down, and although I was VERY happy he was with me, I was so sad, and felt so not in control of the life he lives with her. Everything he said for a 2 hour drive was either, I love you daddy, I miss you and want to live with you forever. and the rest was all the bad things like GMA is mean, Chris is mean to him, the other kids beat him up. He had to give away all his toys and the ones he didn't got broke by the other kids. Mommy is never home. Chris bit him. At this point I took 2 xanax to calm down, I felt I couldn't breath, and fear and anger was over taking me. It just kept going on and on. I had a massive depressive swing and cried all the way home trying to not let him see or hear, until he fell asleep and then I lost it. I got home, took my night time Klonopin, and a Xanax and we played for about an hour and a half, then went to lay down in his bed. I stayed with him so he wouldn't be scared, and we fell asleep watching tv.


Rough Night. Monday when I take him back will be worse.

Rough night.

The Sparrows Song Exteneded Emotional

This started as a poem, as you will find down below. Up till now only 4 people heard the song, it was made for me. This is my extended, of the hip emotional version to the classic song written in 1998.

forgot to mention

Cried uncontrollably in the car today after the J-dog incident and realizing I wasn't getting my son. I was on my way to have a factor 5 blood test done, and never made it, I got really depressed, took a xanax to calm down, then went manic, and shopped. Today was not a great day. I miss my little man.

Massive Bipolar and depressive episode captured on webcam.

Listen to the order of progression, a night of really crazy things that just came, like pictures in my mind as I was playing. Trust me, you want to hear real Bipolar Down at the bottom, this is an example. Toward the end I just go off into a different world, it gets really trippy.

Very low the other night.... Playing guitar Frestyle

tO HOW WILL i LAUGH tOMOWWOR, MOSTLY EM cHORDS

Wrote on a Bipolar Donwslide. To a remake of HWILT.

Part 1,

The Robin Stood deep on the poll.

Sat and Wondered

Whatever happend to that Sparrow

Wonder where he went

Guess we'll never know

Cause the Sparrows song always dies.

and eveyone in this world they just try to get

but everybody knows

you cant laugh at Death

but there is one think you can do,

smile at the rest

so All you Fuckin Haters

You Wanna Laugh I don't Give a shit

Thats Why I laugh.

Shit.

In Em Tune of HWIL Part 2

Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down

I Cry, No Bodys around

Silently, Screamin as I bang my head, bang it against the wall

Seems like nobody cares

nobody at all.

Its always Emotions, But no ones ever to blame.

Its always them pickin on me, there is the flame

The flame of the anger

Biting back on me

Why you want to try to push me,

Just let me be, just let me be

Let me be oh nooo

Its always an emotion

staring at me,

never any reason for you let me be

I try to contain it

But its outside of my grasp

Now the walls all painted,

painted black

Ohhhhh Yeahhhh

Ohhh Yeahhh ohhhhh

Always an emotion how can I explain, how can I explain

Kinda like the Scent of a rose words I cant explain

same with my pain

Caught up in emotion, goes over my head, goes over my head.

Sometimes gotta think am I livin

or am I Fucking Dead

I'm Fucking Dead ohh.

Yo,

if Im gonna smile tomorrow

Got Damit will you wipe away my fucking tears

and if I'm gonna bow my head in sorrow

tell me would you rub up on my ears

It makes me feel better that way

more love than any day

gonna call up all my posse

that way we can come together and play

ohhhh yeah

Have a Play date

Little jimmy, all your uncles

we'll get you a cake

it'll be a blast

yo

If I'm gonna cry

will you wipe away my tears

if I'm gonna die

lord take away my fears

I drown here in sorow but I, I just want to say

How will I laugh tomorrow if I cant smile today, I can't smile today

I can't fuckin smile

Smile today.

Yo

How do you smile when theres so much going on in life

and it makes you feel like you want to slit them wrists, watch it all pour away in the cup

Got our little babies at home.

Got to look out for them ones.
Its the Future of our life you see.
All of Em, Looking out for you and me,
We Got to look out for them.
Make Em Raised, Make Em Raised , Make Em Raised
Make Em Raised Properly
Whats it feel like when you stair in the Camera
And you know there's only one person lookin back
Whats it feel like when you take A Knife and you just peel skin back
What does it feel like to bust somebody's head open with a baseball bat
Whats it Feel like to have that cold steel from the shank in your back
How can everybody tell me yo I got you from here
How can you look at me and say Man I'll Be Here
I know its all bullshit, and I know its a lie.
There aint none of y'all down to fuckin ride when its time to die
Except for the boy that I know well
Ha Ha Throw the 4, its One for Me, one for him, and two for fucking hos yeah!
How Will I laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Smile
How Will I laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Smile
How Will I laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Smile
How Will I laugh Tomorrow Tuck my Thumb for Awhile
As I look outside My Room
I see the world I don't see the reason
Locked inside my little self
Don't Give a fuck if its now a treason
Sit here and Bang the Guitar
Like it was My Bitch
Change up every fuckin word in a song, cause I got a little itch
Maybe I'll Go Back to Em, Maybe I Wont
Nothing seems to matter anymore
These songs that I wrote
The Clock Keeps Ticking but nothing seems to change, seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And when I think of all those times, those Times we've had
Some were good but most were bad, most were always fuckin bad.
FUCKING BAD
So If I'm Going to cry will you wipe away my tears
If I'm gonna die, lord, take away my fears
I'm drowning in sorrow and I, I just wanna say
Will I laugh tomorrow when I can't Cant fucking smile today, smile today, cant fucking smile, smile today.
Here those Notes here?
Shhhht...
Listen, All Together as One, E Minor Note
Sit Down Man, Lets ya Float away
Leave your problems for another day
Sometimes it can bring ya back though
Sometimes it sees inside you
Cause you see Music is just waves,
Waves that pulse our bodies
You Hear what Goes in
But you Feel what Comes out
like Kinda I'm givin it A Little bit of Lovin
Brings a little smile to my face
I can Make a little bit of an up-beat
for a happy day
Try to snatch the rock mother Fucker
Getting a little angry now Ha Ha
All Those Bitches, wanna act like you don't know me
That one special bitch, your fucking life you owe me
All Them Fake Homies Bow to the ground
With their little pills, Needles, weed and Crack, Cocaine, about it, a Little bit of meth,
Xanax, and Alcohol
All Of Em All y'all
When you choose the drugs, and you don't choose me,
You Know What that Means? ha Fuck you Homie
Hope you hear me over hear laughing,
Cause its funny you see
I go through my live livin shit, that might not even been intended for me
Like Some other Body shoulda got some other soul
Like I should of Flown away
Somewhere Alone
Cause that's how I feel inside normally
And Nothing to go
Nothin to live for Except my son you Know?
I got nothin I own, That can't be replaced
Got nothing to show for it, But these lines on my face.
This is my freestyle, I hope you like it
If you don't, you know, I Mean, send it over
Turn it into a dildo, Stick it in your girls shit and light it on fire
You Can watch
It ain't gonna hurt her. You just got to know better,
See you always wanna fucking laugh at me
All Y'all You always wanna Laugh so you take your falls
See Karma's A Bitch Kid
And There aint no rich kids
On The Karma Ride oh no
When you go for a slide down a road
Never get back up you'll see me
Standing at the top ready with E
He's my Big Daddy
Friend of my Family
Father of my Boy Dikkie
Every one of you mother fuckers who knows me
When I throw that Thumb Up
Behind 4 fingers strong
Remember its respect my Dude
For all those nights so long,
Throw the 4 High in the air
One for me and One for you
Now there's 2 left
For mother fuckers that don't know what they about to do
They See us coming down yeah
Let us out of the car
Why, Why you wanna stop now?
That Dude was looking at Crishawna wrong
We Don't need to stop Chris, we can keep going
I Don't Believe it, do my ears deceive me?
STOP THE CAR BITCH
Hey there fella I see ya walking along there it seems that we just passed you on the other side of the road.
How ya doing? Can I get ya A Smoke? My Names the Dog, They Call Me SutDog.
Yeah, there ya go, I quit smokin myself but maybe it will help you out
See this is my boy Dikkie, and I don't know if your from these parts bitch but let me tell ya something
Its about to get a little bit sticky. Cause you looked at his girl wrong, Throwin up your signs
Wanna throw those evil looks, ya Fuckin KKK spineless bitch ya
Hows it feel to have two men, Fuckin Whoresmen Ride
Going tear your arms out baby, and stick em in your fucking eyes
Dont Worry It'll be the finger side first, that way it hurts really good
But if you wanna fuck with me baby, better be nice and good ha ha
Cause you don't want to Ride, You don't want to decide, you have no decision in this life
I look at Dikkies Eyes
And All I know, is that,
When It all it all goes down, he's gonna look again
And Throw thumbs up or down
Only thumbs we throw in this place Any other life such disgrace
to throw that thumb down low so better let ya know right now
Its Gonna be thumbs up tucked behind the 4 fingers about to ride your whore
See this aint ancient Rome its mother fuckin every place that we call home
It aint got a little C or a B or a Letter T Aint no mother fucking town in this whole family
We all over every mother fuckin thing if you see the two of us better fucking hear the Click Clang
Now when you see it go down throw that Thumb in the air Mother Fucker wanna Clown now?
What still wanna Laugh? Thumbs up doesn't mean your gonna live you dumb ass what?
Thumbs up Means I'm Gonna Kill you and every mother fuckin one of your fuckin crew
They Wanna Stick around and get the fuck shot up
Little Dik has got the Fuckin Truck and hes loading up the dead bodies
We're going to put em down at your mommies
And Let em Lay there and rot and Die
Mother Fucker take a look in my Mother Fucking Eyes
Does it look like I'm Playin with you? I got some Bi-polar, Agoraphobic too
Little bit of Paranoid schizophrenic all the other ones the Fuckin medic wanna to disprove
Try to tell me I aint Screwed
I Don't give a Fuck Pop the pills and the Juice And
I'm Certifiably mother fuckin insane
Talk to Dik and Ask him how some brains look
hangin out the back of a mother fuckers head cause he wanna run away
but still he got his Brains Shed.
At The hospital we didn't know, if hes gonna live
Mother Fucker you Kid Better Hope that ya don't cause if ya get the steel plate
in the back of your head it means I'm gonna haft ta Navigate around another block
Get us Clear shot in the mother fuckin Glock for face shot I'm Barely fucking roll
Mother Fuckers we want to let ya Know
So Now this was a Sutdog Freestyle
And I'm geting a little bit sick all the while
My stomach turning inside out ya see because I don't give a fuck if you aint my homie.
Ha Ha You want to Fucking Laugh At Me?
Ha Ha I'd go ahead and Fuckin see
Ha Ha I'll fucking laugh along with you
Ha Ha I wont ever fuckin miss you
Zupped Up

There was once A little boy who used to laugh a lot growing up playing with his GI Joes,
He would sit out back in the yard, He would laugh and Laugh
But then something happened I Don't Know it seemes
Later on in life he moved up Maybe now were looking at 8 years old or so
Maybe were looking at life?
You know It all Depends on where your at where you want to be down where ya got sat
Its the Diffrence if your gonna laugh at me or if you wanna laugh at my family
See if we are straight Ima Let you Know That I'm goinna tell ya by your little toes
That I'm 4 Whoresmen Legit I don't quit so if you wanna laugh at me then bitch laugh at this
Laugh at this
You Wanna Laugh?
Laugh at this
Laugh at this
Laugh at this
Laugh at this
So When I look outside my room I see the world
But Fuck the Reason
Cause its got to be out there
But instead I'm callin treason
Cause I don't know what to do
You Won't decide so Fuck it whatever
If you want me Here I am
Ha, Guess I can't sing Forever
I Tried to Hold you, But you Just, you Just Turned away,
And I tried to tell you love but nothin more to say
You Shouldn't have laughed so Loudly
That I had to Cut your skin
I Gave you all the signs
But you said you were through with me again
so as you lie here waiting
Waiting to see the fade
Shoulda Known Bitch Don't Fuck With Me
Its a Little bit too late now see.
You Can't keep us sitting hereto expect me to come up with some way of life for you
See I already Cut your wrists and your Neck, Nothin much you can do
Free style guitar playing
Its a way of life
When you mix the 4 Whoresmen together Make it Twice
So if you want to Cry
Will you wipe away my tears
If I'm going to die well
Lord, Lord, take away my fears
I'm drownin in sorrow but
I just want to say
How will I Laugh tomorrow
When I can't fucking Smile Today.

Letter To Stephanie

A Letter to Stephanie.

Wow, Where do I start? It’s been awhile huh? It’s kinda funny that the minute I convince myself that I’ll never talk to you, or see you again, you mom shows up at my work asking how to get ahold of me. That’s pretty crazy. I always heard you never find what you are looking for until you quit looking, I guess it works out kinda funny They were right. Ok, So about that start, This is going to put a lot of stuff to rest for me steph. All I ask is that you read it word for word, from beginning to end before you say anything about it, or quit reading. This letter is my psychatrist,  I will use it to tell you everything I have needed to tell you for a long time now. Things that have totally changed who I am Steph. Yeah it may have been some Hard stuff I had to deal with, but I finally can see the whole picture now, And I thank you for all the times your Life has crossed mine. You have truly made me a better person without even knowing.

So ok, back to the little story. Wow, It seems like so long now. Up until now, when I see you again, I didn’t realize Just how long it has been. I guess I have lived in a fantasy world since we broke up. And to be honest, I don’t even remember Us Breaking up. I mean I know we did, I just can’t remember any of the conversation, what it was all about, where I was, anything. Whats really odd about that is I can remember everything else of our relationship Crystal clear. Like When you were dating dustin and we stopped at the football field, looking for that girls sister, and you guys went back under the bleachers. I stayed in the car and When you came out, you were walking in back, and when you got close to the car you flashed me real quick and then just looked at me and smiled. I’ll never forget how I felt at that moment, or your face. You stole my heart back then Steph, Looking at you I saw the most beautiful creature God created. I’ve tried to analyze our relationship a lot, and when I talk to people about it, I just tell them we “Clicked”. I say it was telekinetic, fate, soulmates, or whatever else you want to call it, but It is all the same. We never really ever talked about it when we were together, but when we split up, I dedicated my life to trying to explain it. So anyways, this is my thoughts, I really don’t know if you ever felt the same, But at least I have to tell you how I felt. When I was with you Steph, It was like I could read your mind, Like literally. It seems like You never had to say a word, and I knew what you were thinking about, and especially how you were feeling. I could tell when you were truly happy, or just faking it, I could tell when you were upset, You didn’t have to say a waord. I know we talked about everything a lot, and so you would usually tell me when you were upset or happy or whatever anyway, but I guess It was just like, I already knew the story. I never in my life did that with anyone else. I didn’t really know why it was like that, or why I felt like that, but it was unreal. I remember times when you were hurt, I can think about them still today, and feel that pain in my chest, Everything you ever shared with me, I could “feel” When you were happy I was happy, When You were sad I was sad. Kinda like my emotions fed off of yours. I got into astrology because of those feelings. I had to see what it was about you that made me feel like that, and Why I never with anyone else. So that basically started everything. Astrology pretty much said everything I was trying to find out, everything seemed like it was exactly right about me. I did your chart, but didn’t have your birthtime, so I guessed and it also seemed really on about the kind of person you were, Except for a few things, But that was because the time was wrong. (I got the right time from your mom and finally got an exact chart, so now everything makes sense. I’ll give you a copy of it. And you can see what you think.) So yeah, That got me started on this whole relationship astrology kick. I tore our charts apart sepratly, and together. Looking at every aspect of our individual personalities, And our relationship to each other. Well, along the way, I guess I came to this conclusion that we were soul mates. Something I never knew about before. I started changing all my religious beliefs. I mean I believe in God, and Jesus, I just don’t really believe in organized church. It’s like Most of the people who say they are so holy are actually so hypicritical, but, That’s another story. Anyways, I started getting this fate thing in my head of how god programmed everyones life from the beginning, along with the choices we have, it’s just he had a path for every possible choice already planned. So this gets me thinking about Ok, I dropped out of college, I was only there to meet you. Like he had everything planned for me to find you. I was in a relationship with the only girl I ever slept with up to that point, Talking about getting married as soon as I finished school, Then I meet you, who the first time I ever see you, even though it was only for a second, when Me and dustin rode by the pool hall and you were standing in front, I fall in love, Real love. Not what I thought love was when I was with cathy. So yeah, 4 days later we Broke up. Even though nothing Happened with us, I just knew me and Cathy weren’t meant to be together. Well, you know the story, Time went by, and me and you hooked up. Steph, I remember the night you were fighting with dustin about that skank bitch he was getting weed off of and I was giving you a ride home. You just jumped across the seat and started kissing my neck.. I had chills so bad, It felt so right, I could feel my whole body tingle, I can still feel it and give myself chills.  Well, that whole time steph, all I ever wanted to do was be there for you, Serve you, pleasure you, do whatever for you, and I never wanted anything back in return. I had never given love freely like that before.. It always seemed with cathy It would be something Like I would do something for her, then later ask her to do something for me cause I did it for her. I did that in everyother relationship I was in after you too.. It Wasn’t like that at all with you. I mean you always did everything for me anyways so I would never have to ask anyways, but the point is that all that mattered was that you were happy. It all goes back to that, when your happy I’m happy, when your sad, I’m sad thing. It was like I never looked at it as me and you. I always saw it as Us. If anyone challenged you, they challenged me too. Steph, Your probably sick about now, but, Just laugh, I promise it isn’t going to be one of those depressing, Oh You should break up with your man and go back with me letters, I just have to tell you everything. The one thing I missed the most was You as my friend. As The Best Friend I ever had. The friend that knew everything about me, that I couldn’t hide anything from, and never wanted to anyway. That’s why you get this letter steph. Because You are the one who’s opinion matters to me. I Had a few real close friends that were girls, not girlfriends, in the last five years that I told everything I am telling you now. It’s just, I don’t really think they understood. They would say they did, But I don’t really think they did. I know you will. If no one else in the world Knows, I know you will. So ok where was I. Oh yeah, We dated everything was cool, we moved to Columbus, and Shit just went downhill. Let me start by saying two things I have needed to say for a long time. Stephanie , I am so sorry I spent so much time on the computer. Not that it even matters anymore, But I just wanted you to know that. I wish I would have spent every minute I had Just holding you. The Other Thing that I regret to this day, and will probably haunt me every day till I die is that I didn’t run away with you the night before you had to go back to your dads. Hard to tell how things would have been If I would have just been like Fuck it lets go.

So yeah, We move to Columbus with no where to live, your moms all fucked up over jeff, We Got to donate plasma to have money to eat, The abortion, Yeah those were some pretty hard times. Through it all though, I loved you more and more. You know back then, It may have been an escape from everything for you for us to get married, But I was all about it for the simple fact that I knew you were special, I knew I wanted to be with you, To make you my wife. But, as fate works it’s magic, It didn’t happen. So we move on, You go to your dads, and I go to the valley. Here’s where Our life together left off until now. This is everything That happened in that time, And again, It’s just something I need to tell you. I don’t want you to think I’m telling you all this to make you feel bad or anything Steph. It’s just like I said Before, This is my psychatrist, and I need to let it out, and you are the only one who will understand, and needs to hear it.

Ok. Well, lets see. The Ride home. I listen to Love songs and cried. Yeah I’m a bitch I guess.. It just hurt so bad. I got home and stayed with my cousin for a few weeks.. In which time I started smoking weed a lot to try to forget about stuff and make Three years pass by quick till you were eighteen. We talked a lot on the phone and stuff. I had your dog stuffed animal And your perfume. I would spray the dog and sleep with him everynight.  I wore your rings for like a year after we broke up… Like I said before, I don’t really remember much about how it came we broke up, That whole part of my life is kinda just blocked, I can’t remember anything from that time. When I do remember is being broke up with you, getting into drugs more looking for answers. I turned into a full fledged Pot head, and Started Doing acid, coke, Crystal Meth, I even smoked crack there for awhile. Everything with us, and finding out my dad was real sick, and being in debt so bad, It all just happened, I was selling drugs to make money, and doing all the mony I made in drugs. I hope you don’t think any less of me, I am so sorry I ever did any of it now, But at the time, nothing Mattered, I really didn’t give a fuck about anything. Then One night on 2 Hits of Purple jesus and three Green Gel caps, I put a bullet in A Nine, And Put it in my mouth. That whole experience kinda messed me up pretty bad. I mean, I pulled the trigger, I should be dead, But it jammed, I took it out of my mouth, and put it in the air, pulled again, and It fired. Being on acid, I don’t know If I had a real religious experience, or if it was all imagined, but one thing is for sure, the gun didn’t go off In my mouth. So What it was like to me was like, It wasn’t my time yet, so God wouldn’t let me. Well, I started looking for answers, That’s when I got into astrology and All kind of psychic stuff. It was like When I was trippin, I would find myself. I didn’t do it with people after awhile, and I didn’t do it to get fucked up anymore. I did it to let out everything I had inside, From Childhood memories, To you. Always by myself. Well Throughout my studies of astrology, I find out about astral Projections, which are out of body experiences, which sounded exactly like what happened to me when I was trippin. I don’t know if you have ever done it before, I hope not, but, If so You may know what I mean. Well, I had a few real bad trips, and that’s when I realized These Experiences were happining without me having any control. Not a very pleasant thing.. It started out they were the very best feelings, But the bad ones were the very worst, Like The Good ones took me to Heaven, But The bad ones took me to Hell… It scared me a lot, I quit tripping and decided to get to that state of mind through meditation instead of drugs, A little late I guess, Cause I was having flash backs a lot even though I didn’t do anymore acid. I still have them sometimes now.. They only last like ten minutes at most, but they usually trigger panic attacks, Maiinly where I think I’m dying, cause That’s how the bad ones were. I really believe to this Day I died tripping, and came back to life. I guess All of this is just to let you get an idea of how my state of mind was at the time, but, I’ll get back to the story now. Well, I thought about you all the time, every minute, everything I did, It was about you, even though we weren’t together. I felt so lost without you it was unreal.. I let everything go while I lived in a depressing fantasy world of you. That is the point that I started writing the poems that turned into songs on the cd I gave you. I would sit by myself for hours, sometimes days, just thinking, and writing. I have a few notbooks of stuff I wrote from that time I want to turn into a book, I’ll have to show you sometime. It took me about two years before I dated anyone else. I dated this girl named Hedi that reminded me of you. We dated for about three weeks then broke up because I couldn’t stop thinking about you when I was with her. It seemed with her and everyone that followed I judged everything they did by you. By how perfect I thought our relationship was compared to the ones I was in. It was like I haven’t been able to live in the present. I got stuck in The past because I never really felt like we should have been split up. Like I had Everything I ever wanted and would never find anything better, ( Not that there is anything better, like I said Earlier, Gods most beautiful creature, Physically, Mentally and Emotionally) so I just wanted that back. So I waited another year, The whole time thinking of you still and wondering what you were doing, and How your life was, Then start dating this girl named Terri. She reminded me a lot of you because She was Feisty like you. She wouldn’t take anyones shit. We got along ok, them it just got out of hand, which I will admit was my fault, because I never put 100 percent into our relationship.. I always compared her to you, and The bad thing was I told her when I was doing it with things like, When I was With Stephanie, She Never did this, or Whatever. That’s the time I called you and You were pregnant with Kaytlin. You talked about joey, and I told you how much of a bitch Terri was. You also told me Joey was hitting you. I was Pissed.. Even though He was Going out with you, and I hadn’t seen you in a couple of years, I felt like I just wanted to kill him. I guess After that conversation, I thought maybe There was still a chanch for us to be together, you know that whole soulmates thing, so, Not long after I moved back to Columbus, and started back to work with My Uncle. I started straightening Up all my shit, and started making good money, got Microsoft certified as an engineer, and It seemed like My life was going great. Only I still felt empty. Everything still revolved around you. I would think about you all the time, Even dream of you a lot of the time. Believing I was getting some kind of Psychic link to your feelings if I concentrated hard enough. I tried to get ahold of you a few times but couldn’t And suddenly 2 years went by. I really questioned myself all the time. I had all these beliefs that all the psychic, astrology, soulmate, fate, thing was real, but at other times I would just think I was crazy, or obsessive, Scitzophrenic, whatever you want to call it. I Was so depressed through those five years, I let drugs run my life for awhile, I thought about you all the time, dedicated my free time to astrology ans religion, psychic things, all just to try to explain Our relationship. I sat down one day in my room, and played a few songs that really make me think of you really loud, and lie in my bed trying to figure out why I was so obsessive, and tell myself how pathetic I was to let all that time go by because I lost a girlfriend. I realized how pathetic my friends thought I was because I wasn’t playing every girl that came along like they were because I was In love with A Girl I hadn’t seen in 5 years waiting on a fantasy that she was my soulmate and we would be together again so I was going to wait on her. I thought of all this and realized It probably wouldn’t ever happen. I was foolish for thinking it would. So I started dating this girl named Heather. We got along really good, And I started new from there with her, Telling myself I Needed to get on with my life with someone else. I dated her for awhile and we got Engaged. Then a few weeks later I get a call from my office saying your mom was there looking for me. Everything I was trying to forget rushed back all at once. Your mom came over and we talked, I lied to her and said I wasn’t dating anyone, because Yeah, I was suddenly obsessed with you again, Not even that I ever really forgot, or that I could ever forget. Well that night me and your mom were talking and she asked me how I felt about you now. I had to be honest with her, so I told her “If it was between Steph Living Happy, or Me dying, I would slice my wrists and bleed To death right there.” Your mom was like, awww, I’m not trying to hear that, but It is how I felt, and I guess I will always feel Steph. The next time she came over she said You were all pissed she came over and didn’t want to talk to me. That I have to say hurt a little, I know you didn’t mean it like it came out to me, but at that time, I was just like shocked. Everything I came to believe as true about life to that point, was just proven wrong, and All the time I spent, was really me being crazy, ans Obsessive. Like I was making myself believe you were feeling the same, When Now I realize there is no way anyone could have ever done it. You had to get on with your life, I should have gotten on with mine, but I didn’t, so Now I had to try to catch up. Well, I finally got to talk to you, then Everything started falling in to place for me. I felt like a lot of pressure was finally lifted because I got to see you, Especially When I was able to give you The cd. I did it with all intents of 1 copy just for you, but I never really thought I would ever see you so I made 10, and gave them to 8 Of My closest friends, kept #1 For myself, And Saved #7 For you, For your Birthday. Kinda crazy I got to give it to you right after your B-day. I thought Of Making yours #7 along time before I ever saw you. Well anyways, This is getting Long, and I’m sure Boring, so I’ll rap it all up. This letter I guess is to tell you what Kind Of an impact you had on me steph. I bet you never had a clue huh? I still believe in Fate, and soulmates, But Now I See the fate could be We were Just So I could see that, now I need to take it as a great lesson and go on. Steph, You are my best friend, Even though I haven’t seen you in so long, You Still are. I hope we can always stay close, You see how it is when We don’t.  I Will ALWAYS Love you Stephanie Cheree Skeens. I only want The Best for you, I hope you and Joey Can Work Out your Problems, and you can Be happy, If not, You will make someone very happy Steph. Don’t ever settle for anything because you think you don’t have a choice. Remember You’re a Diamond, and You need to Be admired, It’s what you deserve. Me and Heather Broke up since I talked to you. But I really think that was meant to be too. We weren’t meant to be married, I was trying to fill that hole with her, and I knew it, I just wouldn’t admit it until now. I will be able to start fresh now, So I thank you again for Being there even though You didn’t even Know you were doing anything. Remember I will always be here for you. Even If I got married down the rode, If you needed me, I would be there In A Heart beat, Even If It meant I would Lose My Marriage. Who Knows, Maybe one day we will get back together And My dreams Would Turn to Reality. But I Am Now able to get that dream world behind me, and start my life new, And Everything from this point on with us, and everyone else, is the beginning. I won’t bring up any of the things I told you here again, unless you want to know anything, But I had to give this too you, just so I could free Myself From it. I have just felt trapped by it every time we talk, and It was like I was holding back, or hiding that part of me from you, and I didn’t know what else to talk about so it made things kind of awkward at times. Now that I told you, It can’t be in my head anymore, and now I won’t be all awkward when I talk to you, We can start brand new as friends, and forget all of the past. This Cd is made up of all the songs that have had a special place and will always make me think of you, Like Texas Tornado, and The Color Of My Love, A Song you gave me the words to in a letter. I Just had to tell you How much you really mean to me Steph, so that way I can never say I wish I would have told you when I had the chance.

I Love Ya Steph,

Jim