Yesterday

I slept the entire day. I kept taking pills and drinking vodka just to stay asleep. I don't want to be awake. I am so alone. The Bipolar makes me feel alone, I've felt alone my whole life, and I sit is this huge house thinking of everything, alone. This is no way to live. I figured out I've become co-dependent since dating Crystal. Before that everything was fine, I actually was alone, by myself and not bothered by it for almost 11 years. Then I went from a 5 year relationship to a 3 year relationship, and I have no friends here, and its hard to even think what to do. I am co dependent. I am so sad, so down, worst every low even over my childhood experiences. My cat is even sad, because she took the others. Of well, Im going to go take some pills and drink some vodka and go back to sleep.

HATE

I am Jesus, the devil and your last breath. The pressure constricting around your neck at the time of expiration. I will not lose. I am in the dark around every corner, maybe the first and last thing you'll see in the morning. I am in your closet when you get home, or attached to the battery of your car waiting for your entry. The weight tied to your ankle pulling you south as you see the surface of the water slowly get further. I apply the pressure to the lever which ignites the black powder giving birth to a chunk of metal and delivering to it's new home. The reason blood stops pumping, pumps faster, or pumps out. The last word, the final blink, the equal weight on the scale of justice. Glass in your food, air in your vein, sianide in your kool aid. The kerosene, the match, and the one who lock's the pad lock on the outside of your door. I am who you wanted to see last.... I'm here.