Saturday, June 3, 2000

Journal Entry

Well, here is the first test…. I’m listenin to eminem – Stan….. Thinking about heather….. Wow….. Ok, Here is jimmy trippin…. I haven’t wrote for awhile, But That’s because I’ve been happy…. So, Well,… Himm.. Where to start…. Well, I guess with heather telling me I haven’t seen her mood swings….. I kinda think, she thinks about that a lot, because she thinks, if I see her having mood swings, I won’t like her anymore, Or I’ll think she’s all fucked up…… I really think she thinks this is a dream world she’s living in, and . One day it will end…. But that has to be my fault…. I’m fucked up because I rushed shit to quick…. Like I kinda just sweep her along with words, and she fell for the words, not the feeling…. Not saying she doesn’t love me or anything like that, cause Our relationship is awesome.,, But, I can always Just feel people, and I don’t know if anyone else does it as strong, so I don’t know If anyone can relate to how I feel things….. And With heather, it only took one site, and I felt the whole relationship, everything good and everything bad. I Clicked with her the first time I saw her, And then like 15 minutes later, I’m kissing her in E’s Green troom….And from there to talking to her on the phone, and her coming back to Cinco Demayo, And Us Chillin all night, and going to breafast in the morning,And Then talking with her for hours That feel like minutes…. I can talk to her about everything, And she relates, We click so well, I knew from the feeling again I wanted to be with her forever…. Where I think I fucked up was, I could tell everything about her, I could relate to everything she was about, And I knew that from getting that Feeling when I saw her The first time, And I don’t know if she did the same, or if it all just sounds good in words…. I really think she felt it, but Here in My first “Mood Swing” since we been together….., So I have to question everything….. My problem: Mass depression swings…. Humm… Well even though being able to “Feel people like that” sounds cool, and even as though I may be happy I can do it, But, with that is all the bad along with the good….. It’s not like I can do it selectively or anything, so I am constantly feeling everyone I come in contact with, And there are way more bad ones than good, That’s why I have few friends I guess…. So I can feel everyones depression, paranoia, anger, hate, violence, Lies, and sadness also…. So I guess my whole point is, my depression swings come about pretty easily…. I just kinda hibernate by myself, away from everyone, and bring myself down to the very bottom and then return….. It makes the feeling I get from people stronger everythime…. These are my periods of seclusion….. So I guess this one was brought on by Heather going out with matt to the movies…… I told her to go so she could get out of the house, But I knew I would swing like this… Maybe that’s why I wanted her to go….. So I could give up my biggest secret to her, give her my Total trust, Just to see if My feelings for her were right from the beginning.. because I really think she will feel me, But I still have the question “What if she doesn’t” In the back of my head….. My fear of her being able to use it against me, or think I’m totally fucked up and never want to talk to me again….. But I Fell for her hard, and I need to be sure, And actions are better than words. So I guess this is my test to see if I’m the one living in a dream world…. I hope it doesn’t sound selfish, but I know if I Know it is for real, I’m capable of the most selfless love, My problem with always putting girls up on a pedastool before which led me to not being able to trust girls because I always got walked on then hurt. But I need to know, So now I guess I let down the wall I built up to keep everyone out, and see if heather wishes to join me….. Or hurt Me. I’ve managed to keep everyone out my entire life, My parents, teachers, friends,… But If Me and heather are getting married, I need to Know for sure, I don’t want to hide anything from her, I want her to know me completely, exactly as I am, and not How I portray myself to everyone.

So yeah, I got hurt when she said she was going out with matt, then again when she said he is asking her out again, then again when she felt bad for him upstairs so she got off the phone with me…. See I know It shouldn’t bother me, because I really believe her that there is nothing between them, But I still have the question because she’s allowed to see him, Her parents like him, she was with him for 8 months, everyone said she loved him a lot, and then ther is me, who she can’t see, parents don’t like, and have only known for a little while. She knows his story, she told me that. This is my problem.. I get hurt way to easy, and I trip in my head on the smallest of things…. I don’t want to get heather all into me, then one day trip like this and then her hate me…. And wish she stayed with matt… I don’t want to do that to her, so I Have to say all this now. I’m not proud of my past at all…… I’m not proud that I can relate most to rap music, It just says everything I feel, and have been through… The person that wishes to know me can tell by what I listen too…. Every song for a different feeling, from a different time in my life….. Right now, I’m listening to Cradel to the grave From Thug Life….. Along with my depression, builds my hate, everything I hold inside, all comes together at once, all the shit, I’ve been through comes to gether, And just builds, the anger inside is what I hate.. I can release it By writing, or listening to music, so through rap comes my hate, all in a song.. this song has a real deep meaning… The verse is just so on,

“April 10th the rainy day My momma gave birth
To A Baby boy trapped in hell on earth
From day 1 it wasn’t fun I never had a crumb
Daddy worked two jobs and momma won’t stop drinking rum

I tried to cope loc But My Family’s broke
And My Pockets short so Now I got to slang dope
In A Game filled with pain it’s a fuckin shame
The white man got a mother fucker slangin cain

So now it’s on from dusk till dawn
I’m getting my serve on Alwys in my spot with my rocks
Slangin rock after rock, the shit don’t stop I’m steady doging cops
I never flip flop In my drop top thug till I drop

And If I hit the pen I gotta do my time
Sitting On My Bunk reminice about the good times
It’s fucked Up A G Has Got to come up doing dirt
But from the cradle to the grave I’m gonna put in work”

The root of my Mistrust of everyone……Trust for only myself….. But I’m so lonely trusting only me, no one to talk to, so I click with heather, and decide to let her in…

Now Rome – I belong to you is on….. awhhhh.. I miss heather so much……

“Every time I See your face It makes me want to sing, and Everytime I Think about your love it drives me Crazy…”

“Hey My Lady, Tell me whats wrong with your boyfriend
Ahhh.. come on. He holds the key, to your heart
But he don’t love ya baby, baby, like I do I only want to be with you
Girl you are the love of my life , baby
I can give it to you baby
You belong to me and only me baby,

I belong to you, I Belong, I give all my love to you
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy.”

That is an awesome song, I listened to it like 30 times one night sitting here looking at her picture….

I need her…. I don’t know if she knows that… But I need her because she is the only person I ever felt this comfortable with… She is My Lover, My Best Friend, My Fieance. My World…… I just want to be with her, No mater what else happens, as long as I can be with her…. She has Already helped me so much without even knowing it……

I had a pretty bad dream last night that my grandfather died, but then it turned into my dad…. It was pretty vivid, but I forgot most of it, because I refused to write it earlier, because It fucked me up… And I didn’t want to remember it…..

I need someone I can cuddle up with, someone that can protect my emotions, even though that sounds stupid, and I can be hard as fuck on the outside wanting to fight whoever, But Inside, I can be so hurt with just the wrong choice of wo0rds…. I think heather can help me out of it though, Not because she will never say the wrong words sometimes, but because she is the only person I trust, so I know they weren’t meant the way I interpreted them….

I’m trying to change from my past.. I want to be able to trust people, I don’t qwant to hold everything in until I explode and Go crazy… And heather helps me release my inhibitions…. Because she’s not just walking on me, she actually cares for how I’m feelin and what I’m doing…

It just sux cause shes out with mattr right now, when she should be with me….. I’m sure she would feel the same though if I said I was going out with my X, And Then called her from her house and said she has been trying to get me back…. So I know she has to relate to whaty I’m saying, But, I also know If it were the other way around, I would be telling her there is nothing to worry about, so I also got to Relate to her right now…

Heather has brought me closer to god, so, I’m going to quit writing, and go with it, and accept whatever happens as god’s will…… If we really are meant to be together, this will all work out……. Either I’m meant to finally have happiness, or I’m still destined to be hurt.