Good Mornining Kate.

Well I woke up today after a dream of you. We were laughing and smiling that was the whole dream. I woke up crying because I missed you, I put on my Ipod and put on mix and tenacious D came on, so I took that off and went for a walk. Everything Reminds me of you, Its going to take some time to get over this breakup. on the way here I woke from a dream of you in your wedding dress but all I could see was you smiling at me through the veil. Its really hard. I'm sure it probably is there too, I just have to figure out how to deal. The DR hear certified me with a full fledged nervous breakdown :) I just keep getting more things after my name.


Well I have alot of poems on paper I need to type here, I'm just trying to make sure I write even though I'm not sure if your reading.

Mistakes

Sitting alone all by myself
I had a job, a soon to be wife and the bills to pay,
It all went wrong, all way to fast
I COULDN'T CATCH THE MESS I had blaster
away in a text message not knowing the whole side
except my girl was not happy, and started bank accounts on the side.
See i NEVER WAS CONCERNED WITH THE MONEY
i THOUGHT SHE WAS LEAVING ME.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED And I don't think any one cared
we both had no feelings, to crushed to be hurt.
I tried to fix what I could it was too late. I watched the girl of my dreams walk out of my life in a Uhaul truck.

I Spent the night before in a mental ward, who knew I was so fucked up.
I guess I do now, letting the only girl I ever truly love walk away from me.

I got fired, I had to move, and leave behind, the town I grew to love and cherish, I thought I'd grow old. With Sky and Jimmy and my Special One. Explode in my face, the stpry of my life, I now fade to ashes and life in the strife.

Well Its been a few Days

I got Moved into "home" I suppose you re moved into your place now. I hope all is well. I know I miss you, I'm totally worried about the court thing just because I'm already fucked with jimmy. Crystal has been cool I do have to say about letting me see him, I just can't see him yet cause I don't want him to see me this way. Your Stronger than I am, You can go on like its another day with Sky or at work, around friends, even at home. Your built that way to not let it bother you. Its like business to you. Seems weird not being at work, seeing everyone in My IM and none that talk to me. Crazy going from like 200K with bonuses together, and even just breaking down to myself like I need to do now, $135 a year, to Filing for Unemployment I probably wont get and Temp Disability to get my mind right. Cool Food stamps and the Welfare Check! I'm glad you got to keep your job, disappointed you used my blog against me. That was real thoughts and emotions, the Hate post was from Chris. It doesn't matter now, I just want you to know thst was pretty low, even the book, if you actually sit down and read it. I have Insurance until the end of the month so they are doing a Lyden Factor 5 teat and a full STD panel so I don't have to do it at a free clinic so I'll be able to tell you if you meed those meds or not. I really hope I can get at least a medical card, my script for lamictal is $716 a month. I went to walmart to try to buy them all outright for the cheap ones since I already had Insurance pay them. some were ok, but the psych and sleeping meds are crazy expensive. I really hope your having a good life, I am very hurt about alot, nut not angry besides with myself. I'm upset I put you into a position to not give me your phone number. I gave you mine as soon as it switched. Its your call and what you think is right, so its all good. It will be one of those things that eats me inside out though, because I though I was a better person than what apparently I am. A restraining order, A Number and Addy change with no info, and no contact. I feel like I wasted 3 years of your life, even as a friend to let it get that bad. Sorry I wasted that time. Maybe if I would have done things different it Toledo, or never came to Toledo you could be living this perfect life that I held you back from. I talked to a Psych and "waste of time" came up a lot so I see how she thinks I wasted your time. Anyway, I'm sorry for that. But I'm going yo go grab s drink.

- Chris says,

Sorry homie, you can't expect people to understand what's misunderstood. But, being misconceived, I over-stand. Every thing happens for a reason.... I am sorry for any trouble my words have caused, but I don't apologize for my right to speak. To those who may not aknowledge the importance of expression.... Suck my barb-wire wrapped cock. And, by the way... thanks for tuning in.

Hook Me UP

I am DIK!! Hook is DIK!! I am happy to have a place for me to do my poetry, thanks Dog. I have never been interested in writing for some one to see. I was looking for an honest escape, I wrote "HATE". I did it from my soul, you don't think it's o.k.; BLOW ME!! There are an unknown number of children being solicited every day on the internet, and my words r what's important? I made "HATE" from my heart, your so vein.... you probably think the poem is about you.... Don't flatter yourself. Fuck you, blow me, I am Chris. Thumb TUCKED 4 life. Court cases and money come and go, but honor and pride are hard to find. SUCK MY DIK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To K- Seriously Important.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4k1V45b-Ww


There is the PERFECT answer I can give you. Lyrics are below. Listen too it, it will help, a 3 year relationship, may need help in the next one.

Read and re re the words.

Pills

I just popped some and I don't know what the were. -j

To My X Love

it's not my mind -repeat x6
not my mind -repeat x6

yo J

and I get a little bit

your veins flow with poison
please acknowledge my present
this precous gift I behold disgaurded like trash
to dominate, it's in your nature, you selfish brat

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

strange things occuring
happening over and
over and over again
now bitch you are cruelty
you bark your orders with such a degrading dialect

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
and I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

gonna funk it up

one minute you think you're all this
the next minute you think you're all that
but your playin' with a nova momma didn't show ya
how to take gettin' canned by the man when it's over
I'll be hunting you down
waiting for the payback, your frown
begging me for your mercy
I ain't down with the sympathy you see
and I always remember your tender love
wipe me under the rug
just so you can step on my spine
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x2

(?) inflicted reminds me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I'd like to rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine _please don't make me_ -repeat x2
you're so sweet -repeat x3
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x3
so (?)was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
you're so sweet -repeat x3

you're always right and I'm always wrong
not my mind
that's why you love me so much
not my mind
you're so sweet
not my mind
I love you
you're so sweet
I love you
not my mind -repeat x4

x- Girlfriend #2''s Text Messages, I'll fill in my side later.

Audiy and Kristina, they asked what is up with jims video on Facebook I had no Idea what they were talking about. Said you were breaking down ( The Jimmy video)

I have not gone out to face book and won't why would you put it up if you wanted it to be annonymous? Ur mom saw it too.

I don't even know what it is, don't change on my account. Just asking because I did not know what they wer talking about. You at the hotel yet?

She (my mom) said something this am. I let it go but when 2 other people asked me I thought it must be serious.... Don't say anything to her. ( my mom)

She just said to send the video to your atty. I did not think anything about it untill Kristina and Audy.


---After on the phone she said she was breaking up with me after transferring money into two personal accounts, and waiting until I was in Chicago---

Jim, Guys do not hit on me and it wouldnt matter if they did. This is us, not about someone else. I am not doing so hot with 1 guy why would I attempt 2. (daughter) and I grilled out and we are chilling on the couch. Have fun at the bar.

At Carlos will talk after.

OOMG Jim, Do whatever

Ok, do whatever the fuck you want I will let brenda the travel agent to forget it.

Read your txts jim forget it!

Please let me enjoy dinner with (daughter) no more drama.

Enjoying an evening drama free with my daughter I am sure there will b plenty when you get home.

You can have whatever is left in the accts. Cancelling the appts. Tell Chris I said Hi, sounds like he is a better person than me.

I am going to be gone this weekend. Take whatever U want. I can't take this anymore, I don't hate you, I just don't know who you are anymore.

I am sure I have told you this was my fault and problem.

I Don't hate you, the $ in the account is yours. What comment has K made? I will remove all the bills today.

If it makes you feel beter to think that I have not tried, then fine.

I have no Problem working with you.
Because I DONT HATE YOU.

It does not matter what I say. In your mind I hate you so it is your reality. U would argue my comments and we would go in circles. U did not want me to see your blog, so I will not go out and look. I know you have a ton of problems and I'm sorry I'm not strong enought to help you through them.

If I lose my job I guess I will have to beg and steal. I can't stop them from firing me. (We work Together.)

I wish things could have been different but we have proven over and over that they can't b. I take full responsibility. Nothing on you.

Ok is this how its going to be all weekend. You have done a great job over the past year making me feel like I'm a bad person. I seriously do not need any more convincing.

We were on the phone untill almost 1AM their time, and why would (SHE my x) be happy?

Good god jim, Quit reacting on emotion. Telling J and J "ur side" is inappropriate and so is waking your son up at 1AM to tell him.

That is family not co workers. They do not need to know the details I'd sides, just the facts. We broke up thats it.

Ok jim.

Each txt you send makes me believe breaking up is the right thing to do.

I am going to grab a few things for (daughter) and I for the weekend. I will handel any loose ends on my own.

Jim u pushed to talk. All of this could have waited till u came home. Don't blame me for failing. I am sure you will be fine. Ur at a Genius level. You'll pass.

Would you please fwd me the email you sent HR so I know what I am dealing with.

What time will you be back?

What? Read what you typed.

Ok I don't need to see the email.

I plan onalking with ( House owner) after I read the contract. If he misrepresented taxes being up to date, we might get out of it. How can I stick you with the house, both our names are on it.

Last time you were going to quit too you didn't care about credit which is it?

Last time we fought when you said u could give a flying fuck about (daughter)

Thats why we need to talk to (owner)

Maybe he will rent it. I am not staying there but if you want to maybe he will rent it to you.

Oh, That makes it better. Anyway, the comment about credit was made during the last fight.

Why have cost of suit and have to find someone to occupy and pay utilities.

No starting to look I can't live in an uncomfortable environment and (daughter) shouldnt have to either. I'm not asking you to leave so whqat choice do I have.

Tour coming through I really don't want to talk about this at work. Sounds like my job may already be at risk.

Stop ordering me. I will call (owner) after work. I want to read the contract first.

She won't be able to give them to me send her an email.

I think the problem was the unhappiness at home. It has been great the last few days. M and I even talked website. I have no prob working with you.

Called who?

Drama.

What?

But w sad and dr

ok

go to hell

Hell

go to hell

Do whatever you want. With my mom, very scandalist! keep your mind going jim its very entertaining!

My mom is finding your comments very disturbing.

and then...

I did this. My mom knows about the appts. She heard me cancel them. I have told her that I feel selfish and weak for not being able to handel our relationship. She knows about the books.

BTW, I'm sorry and wish nothing but good for you.

I don't have the truck keys with me.

Did I leave them in the truck?

IDK about the keys, I hope you have a wonderful life jim.

Your a good person and I realize your hurting right now.

I do care. ut if it makes it easier on you that is fine. U can believe i feel that way.

Done at bank.

I am going to bring (daughter by tomorrow to get some clothes)

yes.

Just wanted to let you know. She knows we broke up and that is all she needs to know.

Jim. You need to get it together for your son. He needs you.

He does not need your mom, he needs you. You know your mom can't raise him. I tried to explain and I am sorry. I just dont always want to be the strong one.

Yesterday

I slept the entire day. I kept taking pills and drinking vodka just to stay asleep. I don't want to be awake. I am so alone. The Bipolar makes me feel alone, I've felt alone my whole life, and I sit is this huge house thinking of everything, alone. This is no way to live. I figured out I've become co-dependent since dating Crystal. Before that everything was fine, I actually was alone, by myself and not bothered by it for almost 11 years. Then I went from a 5 year relationship to a 3 year relationship, and I have no friends here, and its hard to even think what to do. I am co dependent. I am so sad, so down, worst every low even over my childhood experiences. My cat is even sad, because she took the others. Of well, Im going to go take some pills and drink some vodka and go back to sleep.

The Breakup.

K Just broke up with me, and is moving her stuff from the house. We were supposed to get married june 20th, now shes moving her stuff out. Crazy how life works, It was weeks she went without saying I love you. Jimmy didn't get any attention while he was here. So I have my dad with abnormal brain scans, my mom with lumps in her head we dont know what they are my son got sexually and physically abused, and hher reason was she can't deal with the drama. Can't deal with me and the X fighting over the kid, or all my family drama, and family IM, cant deal with my probblemws, or attitudes. Well fuck it. She admitted she is self centered, and Vain, and just cant be involced in all my life problems to help me fix them.......


Anyway write more later when I can see.......

Right after I dropped Jimmy off

This really is hard. I never want to give him back.

Video Above

This what right after dropping J-dog off. I had a major breakdown in the car, I had to sit for about 5 minutes until I could calm down. I will write tomorrow about everything that happened during the visit.

Lots to write, I'm had J-dog for 6 days, found out he may be being sexually assaulted in his mothers home by her boyfriends son according to him, and the visit is coming to an end. I have TONS to write, the emotional roller coaster has been tremendous, and has taken its toll. Sorry for the MIA but I only have limited time with my son, so I stay off the Computer as much as possible. The pic is my new Tat. 4-4-life.


Sutdog

Family

All I Got To Say...

HATE

I am Jesus, the devil and your last breath. The pressure constricting around your neck at the time of expiration. I will not lose. I am in the dark around every corner, maybe the first and last thing you'll see in the morning. I am in your closet when you get home, or attached to the battery of your car waiting for your entry. The weight tied to your ankle pulling you south as you see the surface of the water slowly get further. I apply the pressure to the lever which ignites the black powder giving birth to a chunk of metal and delivering to it's new home. The reason blood stops pumping, pumps faster, or pumps out. The last word, the final blink, the equal weight on the scale of justice. Glass in your food, air in your vein, sianide in your kool aid. The kerosene, the match, and the one who lock's the pad lock on the outside of your door. I am who you wanted to see last.... I'm here.

Last Night trip to Pick up J-dog for Easter Break

Wow......

Bad I thought I was going to be all happy, and I was, I got him in the car and he kept telling me how much he loved and missed me which made me feel great. Then he started talking about how the Ex's new boyfriends son beats him up, and they have to share a bed in a small room, they have a small tv, his grandma J yells at him, and burnt him, (he does have a mark across his back the same as from thanksgiving. He called me the X's BF's name, which about killed me. I started breaking down, and although I was VERY happy he was with me, I was so sad, and felt so not in control of the life he lives with her. Everything he said for a 2 hour drive was either, I love you daddy, I miss you and want to live with you forever. and the rest was all the bad things like GMA is mean, Chris is mean to him, the other kids beat him up. He had to give away all his toys and the ones he didn't got broke by the other kids. Mommy is never home. Chris bit him. At this point I took 2 xanax to calm down, I felt I couldn't breath, and fear and anger was over taking me. It just kept going on and on. I had a massive depressive swing and cried all the way home trying to not let him see or hear, until he fell asleep and then I lost it. I got home, took my night time Klonopin, and a Xanax and we played for about an hour and a half, then went to lay down in his bed. I stayed with him so he wouldn't be scared, and we fell asleep watching tv.


Rough Night. Monday when I take him back will be worse.

Rough night.

Just is as Justice Does

question me not, I can't speak, I already asked 4 a lawyer, like last week. good cop bad cop, it's only pork to me, so call me Muslim, I only do beef. sign what, I thought you know what happened first, oh, and i know your wife's name, and where she works. no thanks, I already made my one call, next to an ocean, can't help but feel small. wonder why I know your name, I used to wonder the same. but what you're paid for, I guess I've done, investigation 101. i know your rough/tough and I'm in cuffs, but your son should be home in about.... what? do you still live across from the pool? that's a really long walk from school. i'm just looking out for your safety, I don't wanna do wrong, hope no one makes me. a threat no, what makes you think that, you wanted a statement, I think I gave you that. is that your phone ringing, you may want to open, it could be a kidnapping, or a dead body in the ocean. no problem, I'll wait, I guess we both have a second to find out our fate. oh that was quick, did somebody escape? naw, no problem, must be a big mistake. and thank you for the talking, next time.... look at the shoes I fill before I'm here, for jay-walking.... n....I'm walking -4

BLOW-HARD

I'm the one you can find, when you are blind. The one that calls you here, when you can't hear. Why you stand and rise, when your paralyzed. The reason you have fate, with no release date. Why you hum along, but never sing a song. Why we'll be together long, after you're gone. I am the fire in your brain, when your burning in the flames. I am the numb reason you have pain....... I AM COCAINE

I am why you crawl at six foot tall, and why you steal and skip meals. I'm why you cook and never eat, why you stink and never think. I'm why your jaw is a see-saw, back and forth like a tweak saw. Why you sweat and why your scared, and your pupils are huge while you stare. Why you return every chance to dance, hand to hand with a man u call your man. Why you suck dick though it's glass, just to get fucked in the ass. Why you lips will never heal, and why your thumbs are made of steel. I am this, and this is that, you are me, and I AM CRACK

If you could breathe my air you'd gasp.

A phone call, a change in what was well if it stayed the same;
A decision, a glitch in precision but who takes the blame;
An outburst, straining to reach a volume unreachable;
A come down, straining to reach a normal untouchable;
As I drowned the pain with anger, I seem to bleed less the more alcohol used to make up the sin I call blood pumping through this empty shell. Every tear shed dries on the mold of fiction you call my face. Every slice cuts deeper into the swivel of my four, usually mistaken as a wrist. Each scream I make from the belly of the beast, is an attempt to cover the noises in my head orchestrated by the devil in my brain. The loss of sanity causes the evaporation of my soul through the liquid in my eyes. I am awake when I sleep and dream when I'm conscious, only to fall unconscious when I wake. Breathe deeper........