Booty Call APP

Name: ___________________

Age: ____________________

Phone: (____) ____________

Occupation: ____________________

Height______


Married(Y/N)__ Single(Y/N)___ Other_________

Sexual Orientation: __________

How often do u wanna have sex?(check appropriate answer)
Daily__ Weekly__ Monthly__ As much as possible__


How long can u last? (check appropriate answer)
1min ___ 15min__ 30min__ 1hr__ all nite___

Do u like Giving oral sex? (Y/N)___

What could you do for me that no one else could?:



Which do u prefer? (check appropriate box)
One on one__ Doubles__ Group___

While having sex, what do u do? (check all appropriate answers)

Faint__
Cry__
Moan__
Wiggle__
Twist__
Jerk about__
Pant__
Sweat___
Scream__
Hum__
Whistle__
Just lie there__
Go to sleep__
Watch tv__
Read__
Think of someone else___
Ball play___

List three positions u like:
1.
2.
3.

What is ur preferred pace? (check appropriate answer)
Slow__ Fast__ Very fast__ Rigorous___

Do you like rough sex?
No__ Sometimes__ Always__

Do you like to talk dirty?
No__ Sometimes__ Always__

When is the best time to reach u? (check appropriate answer)
Morning__ Afternoon__ Nite___

How late can u stay out? (check appropriate answer)
11-12am__ 1-2am__ all nite___

Any talent or skills(Y/N) if so, list:

Most interesting place you've done it:


What would you do to me if we were stuck alone together in an elevator for an hour?:

What is your telephone number?:

And last but not least when can i call you??

Me=Ugly, insecure, worthless, no self confidence, depressed, stupid, a baby, unwanted, unattractive, That pretty much sums it up.

My Wall

I have never said anything to ANYONE else I am about to say here. This is my real wall, my wall I put up for protection. I am tearing down the last brick of it for you. I hurt you, and I now give you my full trust, words are words, this is action even though in words. What I will write are the things that haunt me, inner demons that you could use against me, and have been before even without the person doing it knowing. I don’t think that you will and I trust that you won’t. This all may make you think less of me as a person too. If so, then I guess there is nothing I can do about it. I would wall up completely knowing someone knew what I was saying, and I don’t want to wall up with you, but I also don’t want to talk about it as I’ll explain later, It will be uncomfortable for me for a minute after you read this, please just understand from what you read. I WANT to change Kate, I NEED to change, I feel I have already, this will make it complete. With this, there is nothing I won’t ever be able to hold back from you or against you because you will have the very things that can hurt me more than anything. You may find it stupid, sometimes I think about it and I think it is, but the fact remains that for one reason or another, it bothers me completely. Like I said, you are the only person I will ever share this with, and I’ve never even written it before, you asked me if I need counseling though, and I don’t, I need to overcome what I already know. I will try to do this in a way that makes sense, but it is very hard.
Early Childhood:
My parents were never there for me. My mom never Kissed me, and was never at home, my dad was in the hospital most of the time, and when he wasn’t he was in a hospital bed we had in our living room drugged up. I remember feeling helpless a lot, and rejected by my own mother, This was a really young age too, probably like you and your dad. I don’t remember much early memories, 1 I do is My dad leaving for the coal mine one night, late, picking me up and giving me a kiss. He had the hat on with the light, and dirty old clothes, and he had a full beard and mustache at that time. It was in the doorway between our dining room and kitchen, I was in a diaper and a white t shirt. I remember that like it happened 5 minutes ago and I don’t know why. I think that was the night my dad got hurt. I cried a lot at that time, and had nightmares. My mom would just yell and scream at me and I just wanted my dad to be home from the hospital to protect me from her. This was the start of my wall. I had to hold in my feelings and not cry or my mom would hit me. I really don’t know how old I was, but it was really young. I think that also made me a little intimidated around women, at least that was the start of that too. I was made to feel unloved and worthless with my mom. My dad always loved me, and always showed it, but there was a lot of time he wasn’t there, or when he was he was out of it on drugs. So I spent most of my time alone. This isn’t my wall, just the beginning of it.
Growing up I had 3 real friends, 1 is Doty, who I still talk too, 1 another guy I don’t talk to and haven’t for awhile, and a Girl named Cathy that was like a tomboy. She went to catholic school, and we pretty much all did everything together. I say this because of how the family life was, I pretty much learned everything from my friends, I never had a sex talk, or a don’t do drugs talk, do your homework, etc. I can’t even really remember having a meal cooked except a few times. It would be like having sky wake herself up for school, cook her own breakfast, walk to school, walk home, fix dinner, do whatever, you talk to her for 20 minutes then leave, her get a shower, get in bed and do it all over. It was seriously like that. I interacted with my parents for an hour at the most usually. I was forced to do everything on my own.

The Divorce
When my parents started fighting a lot, I would go into the woods and sit alone and cry. I was older, but I felt like it was my fault, and they put me in the middle, like we were property that they could use against each other. I hung out with my friends a lot more, skipped school, started smoking, It was like 12 or 13. I got busted for Arson with Doty for setting a pine tree on fire and we had to do community service at the fire dept. That doesn’t matter much, but for the story, we would go down and set up for bingo every Tuesday and then hang out in the fire trucks and smoke and talk until it was over. Cathy would be there too and we played truth or dare and that was my first kiss. Don’t get bored there really is a point to all of this, and it seems like all this means nothing, but it will all tie together, I promise. Well anyway, the rest of my life went on for awhile with me listening to heavy metal hate the world type stuff cause the music reflected my emotions and I would still sit alone. Moving on. Me and Cathy started dating at like 15. She was my first Girlfriend. We dated till I moved to Athens to go to college in 1994. With my parents divorce, I hated my new step mom. I stayed with my dad but she made me feel totally unwanted too. It was always how bad we were and how great her kkids were. She took the only thing I really had in family; my dad, from me. He didn’t even stick up for me. At the same time, after my mom moved out I never went to visit her. In fact, I didn’t see her for about 6 or 7 years, she lived a half a block from my dads. Well after the whole step mom incident, I moved in with Cathy I was 16 or 17, because my step mom wanted me out of the house, and my dad let her have her way. Cathys dad was a Cop and a real asshole alcoholic, but he let me stay there on the couch which was cool. This all is really meaningless except for the fact that cathy became pretty dominant, and I had already seen my mom do it, then my dad let my step mom do it, so it was like, This is how it is, I got to let her control me and have her way. It all shaped my life and views of relationships and women. At that point I was unhappy, and really depressed, That’s when I started smoking weed. It made me forget about things.
I moved to Athens for college, and Cathy came down, and was raped. I felt helpless and angry, but could do nothing. We kinda grew apart after that, I think it was the long distance relationship, and her not wanting to go to Athens. She broke up with me and I met Stephanie through a guy she was dating on the computer. Me and him became friends, then me and her ended up hooking up. I did a lot more drugs. Trying to make this the abridged version so I’m not boring you. Well that didn’t really work out either. I dropped out of school, moved back to Ohio and did more drugs. I thought at the time they helped, but they just made things worse. I had now only dated 2 girls in my entire life. I asked a couple of others out and was rejected. The fear of rejection I had from my mom rejecting me made it so hard, I would rather be alone than ask a girl out and have her tell me no. I have always been geeky to, and I feet ugly, like no one would ever want to be with me.
Well, this is the foundation, the underlying if you want to hurt me just use this. Doing a lot of acid, I started tripping alone most of the time. In those trips I would self analyze and pick all my faults and why I was worthless and ugly like My mom did when I was young.
I still feel that way, I feel embarrassed, and ashamed. I feel ugly, I feel like no one would ever want to be with me, I’m not confident, I can’t make friends, I can’t ask women out, Look with you, you made the move.
With you, you are beautiful, inside and out, I am inside most of the time, but you were head cheerleader, looks that kill, everyone wants to be with, and I was the one that got laughed at, and made fun of, and no girl ever wanted to even talk to. My point is, that’s the other half of my insecurity, its not like I don’t know where it comes from. I do, I don’t need a counselor to tell me. I have never been loved, until you. I have dated 3 girls before you, all of which I shouldn’t have but I did. I never had the confidence to ask out bunches of girls, or even feel like I could. When I was dealing drugs I felt that confidence, and girls wanted to be with me, but it was for the drugs, not for me.
All the events leading up to now I have been shit on by women, never been loved even by my own mother, have been made the joke, and laughed at and had all my imperfections pointed out. I guess I never felt I deserved you and always wondered what the catch was, like why this beautiful woman want to be with me when I’m so ugly. I know how wrong I was now. Its kinda like beauty and the geek, that’s honestly how I feel. And I have never had anyone of your caliber even talk to me, let alone want to be with me so I couldn’t believe it. The rest you know from emotional breakdowns so I won’t go into it all again. The bottom line comes down too I feel embarrassed, and ashamed of myself, I can’t smile, I’m not confident. This is my deepest and darkest truth that haunts me. This is the core of my soul. I need help, I want those pills that’s why I made the appt. I also realize now that you did love me, I fucked it up like the rest of my life, but I will do whatever it takes to get it back. This is the start. Honey if I ever hurt you, all you need to do is comment on this. It will hurt me more than anything. This is my trust in you, the only person in the world that knows the very thing that destroys me daily, the person I tell this too when I shut out anyone else that even looks wrong. Please don’t hold this against me, or use it against me, or think its stupid, or even comment. I’m not looking for a reaction, I Really don’t even want one, I just want to try to rebuild what I destroyed by sharing my darkest parts, a show of trust, this to me is more than any phone call or email or txt message, I trust you with this, I’ll prove the rest.
Me=Ugly, insecure, worthless, no self confidence, depressed, stupid, a baby, unwanted, unattractive,
That pretty much sums it up.

My Journal to mYSELF

I am making things worse by trying to say how I feel. I thought I was on to something, that if I opened up for once in my life It would be what would solve things. I was wrong, as usual. I am making her feel worse, so maybe I have been right the whole time, its better to keep things to myself. I put together a DVD and poured my heart into it, I cried for hours listening to every note of the music, and looking at every picture. When she watched it it still didn’t help things I feel totally like I am not worth it, I’m not worth fighting for and its already over, the time is just to make it easier. Like when I’m gone, she can make the arrangements. I totally fucked myself over petty shit, and I am so depressed I can’t eat, or sleep, I feel cramps in my stomach and I’m dizzy, and all my thoughts are of her. I fucked up the best thing I ever had, And I’m scared of going on without her. I miss her already, its so cold around here, I feel terrible. I used to write like this, just to get it out to feel better, I am trying it again because I have to do something to feel better. Its so sad I’m not even happy to be going to see my kids, and I love and miss them so much. In a nutshell I am worthless to her, I’m worthless to my kids, I’m worthless to myself. I have been so selfish.

Untitled

Sometimes it seems as if the weight of the world bears down
Endlessly pushing, more and more untill it seems all is about to break
Evrything rushing, no time for yourself, The wonderful person you are
always putting eveyone else ahead, The helping hand that is always there.
Not everyone appreciates your selfless giving, or understands the needs that you have
While everyone is caught up in what can be done for them, pushing untill you can do no more
When you finallay crash, Unappreciated, and feeling alone.
Always remember, your never alone. I want to be that pillar of light
Off in the distace like a lighthouse steering ships to port
The one who you can count on to always be there when your in need, not for myself,
but for you.
To hold you through the night, and wipe away your tears.
To Gently rub your hair while you tell me all your fears,
To help you through your day so your not so overwhelmed,
and laugh and talk and cry together so you know how appriciated you are
At many times in this life, the battles need to be chosen,
You are but 1 person who cannot accept demands from everyone
Some things in life are meant to be done for the self, and the happiness it brings,
Slow down and enjoy while it lasts, it all goes so quickly,
I will be here for you, Forever and always
I Promise to always love you,
And care for you,
and be someone you can escape the hectic world to
so that I can make you happy, and show you how special you really are
and do the things for you that you deserve,
My Love, My Life,
My Princess.

Note to a Loved One

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I would have answered the phone last night if you called me. And I can answer it whenever. I feel bad that your so frustrated too, but I am too. I went through the same thing when trying to setup the rest of this stuff, half the time you couldn't talk. I know your busy with everything going on but I don't understand how you can be so upset with me. You can forward all the calls to me, I can take them but eventually you have to be able to do that too. I can't do all of it myself. When it picks up, I'll be in the feild at customer sites, and I won't be able to talk to people that call while I'm out. You get so mad at me, but I've been busting my ass for this to work out. And I get frustrated too, I mean look, you can get off work to run Jason around but not when I'm there. Not your fault but that sux. I really don't want this to be so fucked up right now, Your asking me to quit and come there, take the jump, are you willing to quit too and get right into it? There is no way either one of us can do it. I will be there to do this as soon as possible, unless you are just done, If you don't think its going to work, we need to figure that out now. I won't come this weekend if you don't want me too. I was set to but I understand. I feel like you are growing apart from me, like everything that is going on that has nothing to do with me you are upset with me for. I'm sorry that things are so fucked up right now, and I really wish I was there to be there for you. All I want is for you to be happy so you tell me what we should do.


From Loved One:


THIS IS WHAT I SENT LAST NIGHT

Hey, I just got back from Vicki's. It restarted and is running the rest of the install. I am going to go over there in the morning around 8 a.m. Can you please try to make yourself available if I have any problems?

Also, I don't think it is a good idea if you come here this weekend. I am so frustrated that you can't be here for me personally and for the start up of everything. I don't think that I can take you leaving me again when we still have no definate plan in place for your return.

Whenever you are here things seem like they are the way the should be and then I turn around and you are leaving me again. I want the next time that you come here to be the time that you don't have to leave me yet one more time.

Please understand. I hope you are available in case I need your help. Miss you.


From Me:

If you don't want me to come I won't. But, R you sure this is why you don't want me to come? Usually you can't wait for me to come out. I just want to be straight, If you had other plans or something its ok. I know it is halloween, so If your going out cool, just tell me.

From Loved One

You know that I am going out for Halloween. I have been talking about it forever. I realize that you are frustrated too and that you have had to do a lot of this on your own. I just don’t want to come across as a dumb ass and lose business because I cant answer questions. Yes, I realize that I am going to have to help when business picks up. Look at what I have learned so far…I plan on learning more but can’t learn when you are 10 hours away.

You can’t answer the phone whenever. If you are at work, you can’t answer. If you are at home, you could answer a customer call but you could not answer mine. We have been together (or whatever you want to call it) for 8 months and you are still hiding me from your family and living with your girlfriend. She has come in the way of us seeing each other so don’t even bring up the Jason thing. Maybe now you know how bad it hurts! Also, I am not taking full days off. I am taking him somewhere on my way to work and taking him home over my lunch hour.

If you come here I will see you for all of 12 hours before you have to leave again. Those 12 hours will be spent thinking about how I don’t want you to go. That IS the reason I don’t want you to come. I don’t want to give up on the business; I want it to work. I just think that you should have continued to try to find something here so that you were closer and we could have accomplished so much more together.

Yes, I am growing apart from you. What do you expect? I am the person that you talk to when another woman is not around, or you are not at work, or you can sneak away to the store. I can talk to you when it is convenient for you, not when I want to or need to. The holidays are getting close and I am not going to have to answer the question of why isn’t Jim here – or why didn’t you go with him to his family’s. I would rather just not have a boyfriend – then it would not hurt so bad to have to go thru the holidays alone.

From Me:


I knew you were going out holloween I just thought you wanted me to go to, but thats ok. I will start looking for a job there and an apt. I also am going to look for an IND contractor to do some of the work untill then, I'll pay them myself untill we can get money in. Hopefully I'm wrong, But I just have a gut feeling like you have the opportunity to go out with some other guy. (Like halloween) My whole point of that in the last email was if thats the case just say so. I'm sorry you are growing away from me, I never intended for that to happen. I'll start looking tonight for someone who can do the work.

From Loved One

1st of all, I am going out with (My Best Fried)(Name Protection) and would like for you to go – I DON’T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME AGAIN. That is it!

An IND Contractor is not the answer, Sutdog(Name Protection). I do not want to get one and don’t think it is a good business decision. Do whatever as it relates to coming here. I will move forward with the mailers and just do the best I can. You have to be able to take my calls day or night. I realize that you have a family and that there are times that you may have to call me right back – but you can’t not take my calls because I am a woman calling and it might upset your girlfriend.

Again, I am not going out with a guy. In fact, I am about to give up on your gender altogether. As far as the Jason thing; he is MY DAUGHTERS FATHER and that is it. I am his last chance and you know what, I am going to try to help this person in need. Part of the reason he went down hill was because I left him fast and hard and I have to do this. You plan on supporting SHE (Name Protection) after (of if) the two of you break up – what is the difference? Most people that I know are proud of what I am doing and give me praise for being such a good person. At least when I talk to you when he is around, I tell you I love and miss you. When your wife is around you act like I am nothing other than a business call.

If you can promise me that you will have the balls to talk to me when I have to go on a call when SHE (Name Protection) is around, then fine, let’s just move forward as planned.

From Me:

Wow,. Ok.

Alright, I am canceling the plans for this weekend. I don't know why an Ind contractor isn't a good Idea, as long as you can find the right one. We used them at CS and rescucomm is an entire company built on Ind contractors in every state. But ok if you don't want one.

Send out whatever you want to send, 5, 10 90. I will have my phone, when I'm at work it may be hard, The same as when I call you at work and you can't talk. But other than that I will have it.

As far as J (Name Protection), I really don't care. It is good you are helping him, I just don't want to be around it the same way you don't want to be around SHE (Name Protection).

I'm all done fighting and getting yelled out for what "I" am doing or have done wrong. I get enough of that at home.

Loved One

ALL I HAVE SAID IS THAT I DON’T WANT TO FUCK UP SOMETHING THAT WE HAVE WORKED THIS HARD TO GET. I am not fighting with you and would appreciate it if you would not compare me to SHE. I am not some fucking piece of shit that sits on the couch all day, not helping to support the family and capable of being nothing more than a slob.

I am not saying that you are doing anything wrong. I am afraid of screwing this up. It is my name that is going to be known in the community right now and I don’t want to tarnish it because I am not as good at this as you are.

This is our baby and I don’t want to hand it over to some person that neither of us knows and hope he does not screw something up. We don’t even have the invoicing and billing figured out for the two of us. Adding someone else in the mix is not a good idea. Trust me on this. CS and wherever else may have been a little more established before hiring a contractor or known them threw someone. We will not have the luxury. We are in A State (Change for Protection) , dude. Not necessarily the capital of capable computer geeks.

From ME:

Ok, That is fine.

I will mail out office tonight USPS says if it leaves tomorrow you should get it Saturday, Monday at the latest.

I never compared you to SHE either, and honestly, the same things you said about her can be said the other way.

Loved One:

I have never compared you to her – this is what you said:
“I just don't want to be around it the same way you don't want to be around SHE .”

You don’t know that I would not want to be around her – you have never given me that option. Yep, J has been a piece of shit –but here are a few things that the recovering drug addict has done:

Painted Living Room
Painted Living Room Trim
Painted Hall, Hall Trim, Hall Door
Laid Carpet in Office and Hall
Painted Office
Painted Office Trim
Raked the Leaves
Helps Sky with homework
Dished daily

I guess the point is that at least my lazy slob knows about you….

I am proud of you…

My family knows about you….

My daughter knows about you…

I am nothing but a secret in your life and a business partner. I am a little frustrated with it.

Be ready for your phone to ring. I will auto ring both your number and mine at the same time. Whoever is available to answer it – wins. If I can’t answer the question, I will take a message and have you call them back. Done.


Me:

We need to talk about this, We may need to rethink this whole thing.

Ok, Now I'm going to lunch.

Loved One:

We have to get along for the biz. If we are both done, then let’s move on….

Post cards will go out.

I will ring your phone, my phone, and the BIZ phone all at the same time.
If you take a call and I need to go on a call, schedule the appointment for late afternoon (4 or after) and make sure that you can be there if I need you.

We should start using the calendar in Outlook that is on the server so we are aware of each other’s schedules (if you have something for the kids or SHE or something, make sure it gets on there so I don’t schedule an appointment that you can’t be available for.

Don’t forget to put Office in the mail (regular mail). I will put my time in by tomorrow evening and get her invoice out.

ME:

The calendar won't work until I can get the server setup at your house. I will make myself available for anything you schedule.

I will send office out tomorrow also, We still need the bank account setup so you may have to see if your mom will do it since I won't be there.

Loved One:

I thought there was a Bank there…

Me:

There is, Its an hour away, I need all those original papers to do it.

Loved One:

Never mind. I will talk to my mom about it. Won’t she need to be added to the articles of organization or something or can I just type something up on letterhead?

OK, I will try to schedule everything after 4:00, if possible. I think we should come up with a checklist of questions that I could ask prospective clients (what OS do they have?, Do they have a Network, etc). That way, you know a little bit going on…


Me:

I think you just appoint her treasurer, have a doc that shows she is appointed, and then take all the originals.

I'll work on a checklist

Loved One:

OK, Cool. I will try to get as much information as possible from people if I take the call. Maybe if people call for the 1 hour onsite visit, we should schedule them all for the week of November 6 and if we get enough of them, you could quit and be here then????

I hope we are OK. I don’t think it is fair for me to ask you to move here – I just thought that you wanted to. Let’s get this thing going and get you to wherever you want to be. I want you to be happy too.

Me:

Ok. I'll make the checklist.I'll try to set it up tonight. Can you get me a list of apartments out there so I can start calling around? There arent many listed on rent.com

Loved One:

No response to me wanting you to be happy? Or to the fact that I want you here??? I will send you an apartment finder or get a link that should be helpful.

I do miss you, Sutdog.

Me:

Sorry, The happy part is cool, I'm glad you feel that way. Just not sure when that is going to happen no matter where I'm at. I'll be fine though, I'll move there, We'll get it all going and get a bunch of biz and figure things out. At this point I just need to figure out getting there before anything or else its not going to work. Your right, you can't go do the jobs, so I need to get there. I also have to work on a car before I can come out so I need to figure that out too with my spectacular credit.

Loved One:

I think you should rent a car that you can drop off here and then we can share mine until we can get a shitty car in the company name.

Me:

I will still need one, I'll have to drive back and forth to see the kids and rentals will get expensive, and you will need yours, plus If I need something in the middle of the night I need to be able to go get it so I'll try to get one here before I come out. The worst they can say is no.


Loved One:

Tomorrow will be fine. I am really sorry about yesterday.

Me:

Its all good. You had valid points on everything.

We have to make a lease agreement between you and ITR for the space in your house in order for it to be valid. I read it in the book. So figure out what you will charge ITR for space, with utils and all and we have to specify the space, (like your office) and sq ft etc. I have a template I will edit later tonight and then we will have to add in the rest of the stuff. So try to figure that out if you can.


ME:

So whats on your agenda for Halloween. The last time I talked to you you had your costume but weren't sure where you were going. Did you find someplace fun and exciting? You get the time change to so you'll get an extra hour Saturday night.

Loved One:

That is right. Not what I will need tho J

I really wish you were here – I just hate having you leave. I don’t enjoy all of the visit because you have to sneak off to call the kids and SHE and then leave a few hours later…
Please tell me you understand.

Me:

I don't sneak off to call the kids. I've told you when I call them.

Its totally fine, I understand. I just didn't understand when you have always wanted me to come b4 but then didn't yesterday. But its ok. I'm fine with it now.
Just not sure when I'll be there now. Unless it picks up right away it could be months.

Loved One:
Why would things change like this. You are not making any sense?

ME:

What do you mean? I was just saying I'm ok. What isn't making sense? I just said the months thing because it could be. If we don't get a bunch of calls right away off the mailers, and honestly in the 10 years I did consulting, its tight at this time of the year for biz because of taxes. Most put off anything if they can until Jan/Feb. Unless its an emergency.

Loved One:

I just don’t understand you. You preached to me that we needed to put the biz first, now because I hurt because you can’t be with me – you are all worked up. You need to call me when you can so we can get this worked out…

I am sooooo confused right now, Sutdog. What do you want from me? What are we? Are we together? Are we business partners? Are we either? What do you want?

ME:

We do need to get the biz up. And we will, I'm not going to not come because I said I would do it. I just didn't understand the whole thing. You wanted me to come, and always have before, then you didn't. Yes I would be there for a short time, More than 12 hours but still short. I was about to drive 17 hours for that short time. It just kinda hurt my feelings, Then everything else, your growing apart from me, all the bad ways I make you feel because I have to Sneak to call you, I don't know... I just really feel like shit right now. Then I mean if that's the case, I won't be coming back until I can move there for good so who knows when I'll be able to see you.

Loved One:

Then I would like you to come back this weekend. I did not realize that you would be like this. I cry all of the time because I can’t be with you. I just wanted you here for good. I sent you the apartments. What happened in the meeting.


ME:

I'm not going to come out, I was just telling you how I felt about it, I'm not Whining to get my way. I understand why you don't want to come, and I respect that. it just kinda hit me out of nowhere cause I was all pumped up to.

Thanks for the apartments, I will check them out. and yeah the meeting sucked. A bunch of crap really.

I'll call you in a few.. got to reboot a server.

Loved One:

Alone

Alone

I feel so alone
without you by my side
I was addicted to seeing you everyday
and now your far away
I yearn for you
and die inside each day
I cannot stand this
Like being ripped away from the only happiness
you are my one
and without you I am empty
and alone.

The Trance Of Ages

The writings contained within this thesis are combined from experiences within the life of one man, of whom the ultimate goal is Trancendence to a path of spiritual bliss, and the combining of mind body and spirit, or god state. The elements of this path are explained here only as a story of how this trancendence was sought, not as a roadmap of how to achieve the state yourself. The life of this man will be explained good along with bad, remember, yin and yang, with good there is always bad, with light there is always darkness. The existence without ego is the ultimate experience of spirituality of higher vibrational levels, but ego centricism is the ultimate experience on the lower vibrational level. With no concept of time on the astral plan, the student can exisit on one plan at any given time, and move to the other instantly at any moment. With this in mind, any attempt at reaching this state of bliss is thwarted by greed, lust, ego, or personal self gain. The only way to discovery is through love, not love of self, but universal love of everthing in existence, from the spider on the wall, to the wall itself, to the one who killed the spider. Man cannot pass judgment, man can only be judged. With this begins the journey of a lifetime.

Instead of beginning at the beginning of life, we will start at the beginning of the new life. The life being sought through love.

Love

By far this is the hardest human emotion to understand. It is also the most complex. This one emotion can send a person to a state of euphoria, or to a state of total depression. We will start with a brief definition of what I believe love to be, Split into three catagories.

Physical love: This type of love has little, if any emotional ties. Love is actually all sexual, with just a small emotional tie. The tie is actually just to the sex. Physical love is basically a very close friendship with a sexual attatchment. These relationships are transitions between relationships and are usually one night stands with the participants remaining friends, but not always. There is no commitment with physical love.

Emotional Love: This is the most common form of love in our society. This is the love that many marriages are based on. There is an emotional attatchment with this love that builds over time. Relationships could be very good, but also may be very bad. Sometimes the partners are not at all compatible but stay together because of other factors such as, fear of being alone, having strong physical love of the other partner, having love for the other person, but not being in love with them, not wanting to hurt the other partner, etc. This is very detrimental to the relationship as well as to both participants individually. If you find yourself fighting more than kissing, your not in love, even if you think you are, and must either solve the problems quickly so you can “fall in love” or call it quits and start over in another relationship.

True Love: The exact definition of love. Unfortunetly, not many people experience this love. When involved in a true love relationship, you are happiest doing things for your partner. Everything in life revolves around you as a couple, all you live for is to make your partner happy and all your partner lives for is to make you happy. Buying flowers for your girlfriend just to see her smile is true love, and her happiness is all you need to receive in return.

Love is learned through experience, not sexual experience, but the experience of loving other people, and mainly loving yourself. In other times people would remain virgins until marriage, many more marriages worked out better then because of the fact that the relationship was not based on sex, but on the happiness of each other. Cheating while dating was not an issue, so jealousy was minimized. Today kids as young as 12 are sexually active and many of their relationships are based on sex alone, and usually don’t work out. This is especially detrimental to young girls for they develop feelings of being used or worthlessness because that is what they are being told. This may later inhibit them from trusting the opposite sex, and may make them miss out on a true love relationship just becausethey can’t understand when someone is loving them from the heart, and believe if they get too close they will be crushed and allow themselves to be played. In this example the result would actually be totally opposite. This person may actually treat them better than anyone else and truly love them for who they are. The fear of being used for sex and their distrust in men inhibits them from trying the relationship, and in turn they will miss their chance at happiness. These girls will most likely end up in relationships where they are very unhappy, and their marriages probably will end in divorce.

An Older Journal Entry

I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.
Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.

Journal Entry

I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.

Dream

Just woke from a dream about Steph. She called me after not talking to her in a while (Kinda of like how it is now I haven't talked to her in a week and a half) To tell me to come pick her up.. Me and chris go to get her and I bring her back to my house, but it is my old house in Mt. Pleasant. She has A friend with her, Joe shows up at my house And I find out her and Joe are getting married then he leaves. I got real upset and went off ( This was in my parents old bedroom) And she starts to leave... I told her to wait and went in to call off work... When I come out from calling off work, we are at st C mall.. at the info booth.. Her and her frind are trying to buy stuff for her wedding.. It is like 7:30 in the morning in the dream, on a Wensday, the mall closed at 4:00 for building inspectors.... Thats all I remember.......

Letter To Stephanie

A Letter to Stephanie.

Wow, Where do I start? It’s been awhile huh? It’s kinda funny that the minute I convince myself that I’ll never talk to you, or see you again, you mom shows up at my work asking how to get ahold of me. That’s pretty crazy. I always heard you never find what you are looking for until you quit looking, I guess it works out kinda funny They were right. Ok, So about that start, This is going to put a lot of stuff to rest for me steph. All I ask is that you read it word for word, from beginning to end before you say anything about it, or quit reading. This letter is my psychatrist,  I will use it to tell you everything I have needed to tell you for a long time now. Things that have totally changed who I am Steph. Yeah it may have been some Hard stuff I had to deal with, but I finally can see the whole picture now, And I thank you for all the times your Life has crossed mine. You have truly made me a better person without even knowing.

So ok, back to the little story. Wow, It seems like so long now. Up until now, when I see you again, I didn’t realize Just how long it has been. I guess I have lived in a fantasy world since we broke up. And to be honest, I don’t even remember Us Breaking up. I mean I know we did, I just can’t remember any of the conversation, what it was all about, where I was, anything. Whats really odd about that is I can remember everything else of our relationship Crystal clear. Like When you were dating dustin and we stopped at the football field, looking for that girls sister, and you guys went back under the bleachers. I stayed in the car and When you came out, you were walking in back, and when you got close to the car you flashed me real quick and then just looked at me and smiled. I’ll never forget how I felt at that moment, or your face. You stole my heart back then Steph, Looking at you I saw the most beautiful creature God created. I’ve tried to analyze our relationship a lot, and when I talk to people about it, I just tell them we “Clicked”. I say it was telekinetic, fate, soulmates, or whatever else you want to call it, but It is all the same. We never really ever talked about it when we were together, but when we split up, I dedicated my life to trying to explain it. So anyways, this is my thoughts, I really don’t know if you ever felt the same, But at least I have to tell you how I felt. When I was with you Steph, It was like I could read your mind, Like literally. It seems like You never had to say a word, and I knew what you were thinking about, and especially how you were feeling. I could tell when you were truly happy, or just faking it, I could tell when you were upset, You didn’t have to say a waord. I know we talked about everything a lot, and so you would usually tell me when you were upset or happy or whatever anyway, but I guess It was just like, I already knew the story. I never in my life did that with anyone else. I didn’t really know why it was like that, or why I felt like that, but it was unreal. I remember times when you were hurt, I can think about them still today, and feel that pain in my chest, Everything you ever shared with me, I could “feel” When you were happy I was happy, When You were sad I was sad. Kinda like my emotions fed off of yours. I got into astrology because of those feelings. I had to see what it was about you that made me feel like that, and Why I never with anyone else. So that basically started everything. Astrology pretty much said everything I was trying to find out, everything seemed like it was exactly right about me. I did your chart, but didn’t have your birthtime, so I guessed and it also seemed really on about the kind of person you were, Except for a few things, But that was because the time was wrong. (I got the right time from your mom and finally got an exact chart, so now everything makes sense. I’ll give you a copy of it. And you can see what you think.) So yeah, That got me started on this whole relationship astrology kick. I tore our charts apart sepratly, and together. Looking at every aspect of our individual personalities, And our relationship to each other. Well, along the way, I guess I came to this conclusion that we were soul mates. Something I never knew about before. I started changing all my religious beliefs. I mean I believe in God, and Jesus, I just don’t really believe in organized church. It’s like Most of the people who say they are so holy are actually so hypicritical, but, That’s another story. Anyways, I started getting this fate thing in my head of how god programmed everyones life from the beginning, along with the choices we have, it’s just he had a path for every possible choice already planned. So this gets me thinking about Ok, I dropped out of college, I was only there to meet you. Like he had everything planned for me to find you. I was in a relationship with the only girl I ever slept with up to that point, Talking about getting married as soon as I finished school, Then I meet you, who the first time I ever see you, even though it was only for a second, when Me and dustin rode by the pool hall and you were standing in front, I fall in love, Real love. Not what I thought love was when I was with cathy. So yeah, 4 days later we Broke up. Even though nothing Happened with us, I just knew me and Cathy weren’t meant to be together. Well, you know the story, Time went by, and me and you hooked up. Steph, I remember the night you were fighting with dustin about that skank bitch he was getting weed off of and I was giving you a ride home. You just jumped across the seat and started kissing my neck.. I had chills so bad, It felt so right, I could feel my whole body tingle, I can still feel it and give myself chills.  Well, that whole time steph, all I ever wanted to do was be there for you, Serve you, pleasure you, do whatever for you, and I never wanted anything back in return. I had never given love freely like that before.. It always seemed with cathy It would be something Like I would do something for her, then later ask her to do something for me cause I did it for her. I did that in everyother relationship I was in after you too.. It Wasn’t like that at all with you. I mean you always did everything for me anyways so I would never have to ask anyways, but the point is that all that mattered was that you were happy. It all goes back to that, when your happy I’m happy, when your sad, I’m sad thing. It was like I never looked at it as me and you. I always saw it as Us. If anyone challenged you, they challenged me too. Steph, Your probably sick about now, but, Just laugh, I promise it isn’t going to be one of those depressing, Oh You should break up with your man and go back with me letters, I just have to tell you everything. The one thing I missed the most was You as my friend. As The Best Friend I ever had. The friend that knew everything about me, that I couldn’t hide anything from, and never wanted to anyway. That’s why you get this letter steph. Because You are the one who’s opinion matters to me. I Had a few real close friends that were girls, not girlfriends, in the last five years that I told everything I am telling you now. It’s just, I don’t really think they understood. They would say they did, But I don’t really think they did. I know you will. If no one else in the world Knows, I know you will. So ok where was I. Oh yeah, We dated everything was cool, we moved to Columbus, and Shit just went downhill. Let me start by saying two things I have needed to say for a long time. Stephanie , I am so sorry I spent so much time on the computer. Not that it even matters anymore, But I just wanted you to know that. I wish I would have spent every minute I had Just holding you. The Other Thing that I regret to this day, and will probably haunt me every day till I die is that I didn’t run away with you the night before you had to go back to your dads. Hard to tell how things would have been If I would have just been like Fuck it lets go.

So yeah, We move to Columbus with no where to live, your moms all fucked up over jeff, We Got to donate plasma to have money to eat, The abortion, Yeah those were some pretty hard times. Through it all though, I loved you more and more. You know back then, It may have been an escape from everything for you for us to get married, But I was all about it for the simple fact that I knew you were special, I knew I wanted to be with you, To make you my wife. But, as fate works it’s magic, It didn’t happen. So we move on, You go to your dads, and I go to the valley. Here’s where Our life together left off until now. This is everything That happened in that time, And again, It’s just something I need to tell you. I don’t want you to think I’m telling you all this to make you feel bad or anything Steph. It’s just like I said Before, This is my psychatrist, and I need to let it out, and you are the only one who will understand, and needs to hear it.

Ok. Well, lets see. The Ride home. I listen to Love songs and cried. Yeah I’m a bitch I guess.. It just hurt so bad. I got home and stayed with my cousin for a few weeks.. In which time I started smoking weed a lot to try to forget about stuff and make Three years pass by quick till you were eighteen. We talked a lot on the phone and stuff. I had your dog stuffed animal And your perfume. I would spray the dog and sleep with him everynight.  I wore your rings for like a year after we broke up… Like I said before, I don’t really remember much about how it came we broke up, That whole part of my life is kinda just blocked, I can’t remember anything from that time. When I do remember is being broke up with you, getting into drugs more looking for answers. I turned into a full fledged Pot head, and Started Doing acid, coke, Crystal Meth, I even smoked crack there for awhile. Everything with us, and finding out my dad was real sick, and being in debt so bad, It all just happened, I was selling drugs to make money, and doing all the mony I made in drugs. I hope you don’t think any less of me, I am so sorry I ever did any of it now, But at the time, nothing Mattered, I really didn’t give a fuck about anything. Then One night on 2 Hits of Purple jesus and three Green Gel caps, I put a bullet in A Nine, And Put it in my mouth. That whole experience kinda messed me up pretty bad. I mean, I pulled the trigger, I should be dead, But it jammed, I took it out of my mouth, and put it in the air, pulled again, and It fired. Being on acid, I don’t know If I had a real religious experience, or if it was all imagined, but one thing is for sure, the gun didn’t go off In my mouth. So What it was like to me was like, It wasn’t my time yet, so God wouldn’t let me. Well, I started looking for answers, That’s when I got into astrology and All kind of psychic stuff. It was like When I was trippin, I would find myself. I didn’t do it with people after awhile, and I didn’t do it to get fucked up anymore. I did it to let out everything I had inside, From Childhood memories, To you. Always by myself. Well Throughout my studies of astrology, I find out about astral Projections, which are out of body experiences, which sounded exactly like what happened to me when I was trippin. I don’t know if you have ever done it before, I hope not, but, If so You may know what I mean. Well, I had a few real bad trips, and that’s when I realized These Experiences were happining without me having any control. Not a very pleasant thing.. It started out they were the very best feelings, But the bad ones were the very worst, Like The Good ones took me to Heaven, But The bad ones took me to Hell… It scared me a lot, I quit tripping and decided to get to that state of mind through meditation instead of drugs, A little late I guess, Cause I was having flash backs a lot even though I didn’t do anymore acid. I still have them sometimes now.. They only last like ten minutes at most, but they usually trigger panic attacks, Maiinly where I think I’m dying, cause That’s how the bad ones were. I really believe to this Day I died tripping, and came back to life. I guess All of this is just to let you get an idea of how my state of mind was at the time, but, I’ll get back to the story now. Well, I thought about you all the time, every minute, everything I did, It was about you, even though we weren’t together. I felt so lost without you it was unreal.. I let everything go while I lived in a depressing fantasy world of you. That is the point that I started writing the poems that turned into songs on the cd I gave you. I would sit by myself for hours, sometimes days, just thinking, and writing. I have a few notbooks of stuff I wrote from that time I want to turn into a book, I’ll have to show you sometime. It took me about two years before I dated anyone else. I dated this girl named Hedi that reminded me of you. We dated for about three weeks then broke up because I couldn’t stop thinking about you when I was with her. It seemed with her and everyone that followed I judged everything they did by you. By how perfect I thought our relationship was compared to the ones I was in. It was like I haven’t been able to live in the present. I got stuck in The past because I never really felt like we should have been split up. Like I had Everything I ever wanted and would never find anything better, ( Not that there is anything better, like I said Earlier, Gods most beautiful creature, Physically, Mentally and Emotionally) so I just wanted that back. So I waited another year, The whole time thinking of you still and wondering what you were doing, and How your life was, Then start dating this girl named Terri. She reminded me a lot of you because She was Feisty like you. She wouldn’t take anyones shit. We got along ok, them it just got out of hand, which I will admit was my fault, because I never put 100 percent into our relationship.. I always compared her to you, and The bad thing was I told her when I was doing it with things like, When I was With Stephanie, She Never did this, or Whatever. That’s the time I called you and You were pregnant with Kaytlin. You talked about joey, and I told you how much of a bitch Terri was. You also told me Joey was hitting you. I was Pissed.. Even though He was Going out with you, and I hadn’t seen you in a couple of years, I felt like I just wanted to kill him. I guess After that conversation, I thought maybe There was still a chanch for us to be together, you know that whole soulmates thing, so, Not long after I moved back to Columbus, and started back to work with My Uncle. I started straightening Up all my shit, and started making good money, got Microsoft certified as an engineer, and It seemed like My life was going great. Only I still felt empty. Everything still revolved around you. I would think about you all the time, Even dream of you a lot of the time. Believing I was getting some kind of Psychic link to your feelings if I concentrated hard enough. I tried to get ahold of you a few times but couldn’t And suddenly 2 years went by. I really questioned myself all the time. I had all these beliefs that all the psychic, astrology, soulmate, fate, thing was real, but at other times I would just think I was crazy, or obsessive, Scitzophrenic, whatever you want to call it. I Was so depressed through those five years, I let drugs run my life for awhile, I thought about you all the time, dedicated my free time to astrology ans religion, psychic things, all just to try to explain Our relationship. I sat down one day in my room, and played a few songs that really make me think of you really loud, and lie in my bed trying to figure out why I was so obsessive, and tell myself how pathetic I was to let all that time go by because I lost a girlfriend. I realized how pathetic my friends thought I was because I wasn’t playing every girl that came along like they were because I was In love with A Girl I hadn’t seen in 5 years waiting on a fantasy that she was my soulmate and we would be together again so I was going to wait on her. I thought of all this and realized It probably wouldn’t ever happen. I was foolish for thinking it would. So I started dating this girl named Heather. We got along really good, And I started new from there with her, Telling myself I Needed to get on with my life with someone else. I dated her for awhile and we got Engaged. Then a few weeks later I get a call from my office saying your mom was there looking for me. Everything I was trying to forget rushed back all at once. Your mom came over and we talked, I lied to her and said I wasn’t dating anyone, because Yeah, I was suddenly obsessed with you again, Not even that I ever really forgot, or that I could ever forget. Well that night me and your mom were talking and she asked me how I felt about you now. I had to be honest with her, so I told her “If it was between Steph Living Happy, or Me dying, I would slice my wrists and bleed To death right there.” Your mom was like, awww, I’m not trying to hear that, but It is how I felt, and I guess I will always feel Steph. The next time she came over she said You were all pissed she came over and didn’t want to talk to me. That I have to say hurt a little, I know you didn’t mean it like it came out to me, but at that time, I was just like shocked. Everything I came to believe as true about life to that point, was just proven wrong, and All the time I spent, was really me being crazy, ans Obsessive. Like I was making myself believe you were feeling the same, When Now I realize there is no way anyone could have ever done it. You had to get on with your life, I should have gotten on with mine, but I didn’t, so Now I had to try to catch up. Well, I finally got to talk to you, then Everything started falling in to place for me. I felt like a lot of pressure was finally lifted because I got to see you, Especially When I was able to give you The cd. I did it with all intents of 1 copy just for you, but I never really thought I would ever see you so I made 10, and gave them to 8 Of My closest friends, kept #1 For myself, And Saved #7 For you, For your Birthday. Kinda crazy I got to give it to you right after your B-day. I thought Of Making yours #7 along time before I ever saw you. Well anyways, This is getting Long, and I’m sure Boring, so I’ll rap it all up. This letter I guess is to tell you what Kind Of an impact you had on me steph. I bet you never had a clue huh? I still believe in Fate, and soulmates, But Now I See the fate could be We were Just So I could see that, now I need to take it as a great lesson and go on. Steph, You are my best friend, Even though I haven’t seen you in so long, You Still are. I hope we can always stay close, You see how it is when We don’t.  I Will ALWAYS Love you Stephanie Cheree Skeens. I only want The Best for you, I hope you and Joey Can Work Out your Problems, and you can Be happy, If not, You will make someone very happy Steph. Don’t ever settle for anything because you think you don’t have a choice. Remember You’re a Diamond, and You need to Be admired, It’s what you deserve. Me and Heather Broke up since I talked to you. But I really think that was meant to be too. We weren’t meant to be married, I was trying to fill that hole with her, and I knew it, I just wouldn’t admit it until now. I will be able to start fresh now, So I thank you again for Being there even though You didn’t even Know you were doing anything. Remember I will always be here for you. Even If I got married down the rode, If you needed me, I would be there In A Heart beat, Even If It meant I would Lose My Marriage. Who Knows, Maybe one day we will get back together And My dreams Would Turn to Reality. But I Am Now able to get that dream world behind me, and start my life new, And Everything from this point on with us, and everyone else, is the beginning. I won’t bring up any of the things I told you here again, unless you want to know anything, But I had to give this too you, just so I could free Myself From it. I have just felt trapped by it every time we talk, and It was like I was holding back, or hiding that part of me from you, and I didn’t know what else to talk about so it made things kind of awkward at times. Now that I told you, It can’t be in my head anymore, and now I won’t be all awkward when I talk to you, We can start brand new as friends, and forget all of the past. This Cd is made up of all the songs that have had a special place and will always make me think of you, Like Texas Tornado, and The Color Of My Love, A Song you gave me the words to in a letter. I Just had to tell you How much you really mean to me Steph, so that way I can never say I wish I would have told you when I had the chance.

I Love Ya Steph,

Jim

Journal to Michelle

Whats up... I just wanted to write this to you to come clean about evertything that has been going on lately... Fist off, let me tell you the reason I never told you any of this is because I am a pretty shy person. I guess the reason is from having my heart broke once, and the fact that I get real strong psychic influences....... Some people may say it's a gift, but Sometimes I think it is more of a nightmare... An example is , When I meet someone for the first time, before they even say a word, I can tell what kind of person they are, and if I will like them or not.... Sounds cool, but It isn't, because that also means everytime I have ever fell in love, I mean tru love, (which is two times now) It has been at first sight. I can see the whole relationship, and see how it could be, And the potential that it has. The down side is that I don't know how to put those feelings into words.... It is so hard for me to make anykind of first moves, or anything like that. Soo... it ends up, that I can't tell you how I feel, The only way to tell you is to show you, but unfortunatley, its hard to just say, hey, let me show you how much I love you... It Just doesn't work that way.......

We have talked about steph, and yes I loved her and still love her with all my heart, but .. The potential I saw with you totally overrode anything we ever had..... But, Tonight, I see I don't got a chance, and thats cool... I mean, I know it's my fault, It always is, But the look in your eyes when you were with that dude, just made me accept that the feelings I was having were true. I wanted to see that look for me, but, I guess no matter what I do, It's not going to happen...
Jenny told me that the only reason you came out was to see him too.. so That was just the icing on the cake... I'm sorry, for thinking I had a chance... It's the astrology charts that thow me every time........ It looked so good I thought it couldn't go wrong... I guess this just proves that nothing is for sure..... I'm going to send a copy of the chart so you can see what I was going by....

It kinda sucks Michelle, because every emotion I have comes from feeling, not thought... I'm just sorry, I mistook the feelings... I won't lie.. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you..... I saw my live with you planned out to the end...... I hate the whole venus in pisces in the 5th house thing I got going on in my chart, because it stands for self sacrifice in relationships......... Which is getting old...

I know you will love me one day... Every girl I know always does just because I can understand them and relate toi what they are going through..... I just wanted you to be diffrent... I didn't want you to fall into that "best Friend love" I wanted to really get into you.... But.. Since It won't happen that way, I just want you to know I am still here for you, and I'll still be your best friend.......

I Don't have a very high self confidence level when it comes to girls, And tonight I saw I was just kidding myself feeling comfortable with you....... I know In my heart, I could be the best thing in the world for you, but in my head, I know, I don't got a chance......

It's been 4 years since my heart was broken.. and I do need to thank you for showing me, (even though you didn';t know).. That it could be so much better.... You brought me out of the heart ach....,, I wish sometimes I wasn't so damn sensitive, but I know I can't change it so I just got to deal with it........

I want you to know exactly how I felt though, just so you don't accept any less... I will be happy for you if you are happy, as long as you are being treated like you deserve.... Like candlelight dinners for 2, And 3 when jacobs up.... Bubblebaths, holding you so close at night just to feel you breath.. rubbing fingers through your hair, untill you go to sleep.... kissing you from head to toe...... flowers for no reason..... and sex with the only purpose of making you realize how much you are loved and how you can touch a persons soul......

Anyways though.. I'm drunk, and this is getting long, so please just do me the favor of reading the chart I send you just so you can read it and tell me what I did wrong.. I live by the charts and I just need to know if they are bullshit or not....,, I can't base my live around something I believe to be so true, if it's all a bunch of crap......

I won't be comming to raoadhouse that much anymore just because I know when I'm not drunk tomarrow, and I realize I sent this I will wish I never,.... And I also don't want you to be uncomfortable at all....... I saw the look. and it was for the dude you were with.. It seems like he is who you want, and who you need to get your spirits up again..., so I will just step out of the picture and not bug you any more..... I will still be your friend though, and you got my number if you ever need anything........


I Love You Michelle... and I know you you will say, how can I say I love you when we hardley even know each other, But. Trust me I know you.... I know everything about you.. I can read you like you wouldn't believe.... That is how I Know That I Can say I love you.....

And Ireally think you can do the same with me..... That's why I said I love how you can read me the other day..... Your the first person in my life that I ever thought could tell what I was feeling..........

Good Night Sweetie... And please, Don't feel weird about this mail... It isn't meant to make it weird, and it isn't to make you feel bad or anything like taht... I just needed to get it off my chest, and to be honest.. your the only person I trust to say it to.....

Journal Entry

Ok, Well, I’m writing this e-mail because I Kinda feel bad for being kinda distant to you the last few days… So I figured I would write to at least let you know, if nothing else cause I do love you, And I don’t want to be like that….. So, Hummm… where to start… well I guess by telling you that this will be the first time I have ever written this, or talked to ANYONE about this… And I mean anyone…. This is the Root of my psychological problems, which I choose to hide and ignore… Only, I bury it so deep that it has eaten me away from the inside out… This is My WALLS.. My walls that have grown so big that I have locked myself away from family, friends, general people, and happiness… This is my depressed side…. The side Of me that sits alone for days paronid and schizophrenic, smoking Bud to try to feel normal again… Locking myself away from all contact… Tripping in my head… just thinking, and being pessimistic…. Alone, not wanting to be saw, or touched, or spoken too…. All the bullshit about my family, lost loves in the past, psychic influences I Get, drugs, everything….. Yeah they all affected me, but not like this has, This is What I use those excuses to cover up, just so I don’t have to talk about it……. This is when I block out reality, and live in an emotional, and psychological hell….. This Is when nothing matters, not even life.
Well, Ok… That is just a background, but I couldn’t even begin to explain the effect it has had on me….. The paranoia to the point of not even trusting myself… Or thinking everysingle person is talking about me….. and laughing…… So yeah…

when you ask why I look away…. Because I can’t look people in the eyes, I am not worthy…. I think I am meant to be alone, alone locked away from everyone just so I can protect myself from being hurt… I guess part of the problem too is that I way hypersensitive…. And can take things meant as a joke to heart, and even though I may laugh and kid about it to the outside world.. inside it is tearing me apart sometimes for months.. I can’t seem to let anything go and It all just piles on top of each other…….. Like God is trying to humble me or something… Well he succeded… To the point where I don’t think I’m good at anything… To the point where I sit behind closed doors locked away and become so depressed all I can do is cry…. I hate to think about this….. Everytime I do it takes days, sometimes weeks before I am normal again… and no one can change it… I’m sorry but not even you….. So yeah…. Anything to do with teeth makes me fuul fledged trip….. which I really can’t expect you to understand since you never have triped.. but no matter what anyone tells you it’s like, It’s only like 1 thing Scitzophrenia.. I can be drawn into this world with the slightest thing…. Smoking bud helps quiet the voices and bring me out of it… So, yeah, I’m sorry I broke our promise, I smoked some bud.. I understand if you hate me, or think you have to cut yourself just to spite me… It’s my fault…. It always is as with everything else in my life….. I just wish I could live on an island alone away from everyone so I don’t have to cause anyone pain or grief….. it’s
been my life story…… After all this I really don’t think I could quit smoking…. It’s the only thing that works.. I tried prozac, and paxil and Zoloft… all the meds for that type of shit and they make me worse….. I don’t smoke bud for enjoyment which is why it iss hard… If it was like drinking, then that would be no problem… but bud is my way out… out of the inside world…. Not like I got to smoke it everyday or anything I went for a long while without it…. But times like this it becomes my meds…. I know It sounds like excuses to smoke bud, but I’m being honest and not hiding anything… Besides I wouldn’t even use excuses this far into the letter.. I would just tell you straight up….. I’m sure you already hate me by now……. I guess I don’t know what to say from here…. It isn’t anything I ever want to talk about….. I guess I just want to leave it at this, and bury everything Again.. I just thought if I was ever going to tell anyone… It should be you….. Heather I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way….. It was just like My little bubble of protection by you was burst, and I kinda sunk into reality for a sec, and back to this point, which I haven’t been In since I met you…. I do Love you honey…. I hope we can still be together, But I will understand if you never write back, or call again…. I will just accept it as another thing to beat me to humility…

Journal Entry

Well, here is the first test…. I’m listenin to eminem – Stan….. Thinking about heather….. Wow….. Ok, Here is jimmy trippin…. I haven’t wrote for awhile, But That’s because I’ve been happy…. So, Well,… Himm.. Where to start…. Well, I guess with heather telling me I haven’t seen her mood swings….. I kinda think, she thinks about that a lot, because she thinks, if I see her having mood swings, I won’t like her anymore, Or I’ll think she’s all fucked up…… I really think she thinks this is a dream world she’s living in, and . One day it will end…. But that has to be my fault…. I’m fucked up because I rushed shit to quick…. Like I kinda just sweep her along with words, and she fell for the words, not the feeling…. Not saying she doesn’t love me or anything like that, cause Our relationship is awesome.,, But, I can always Just feel people, and I don’t know if anyone else does it as strong, so I don’t know If anyone can relate to how I feel things….. And With heather, it only took one site, and I felt the whole relationship, everything good and everything bad. I Clicked with her the first time I saw her, And then like 15 minutes later, I’m kissing her in E’s Green troom….And from there to talking to her on the phone, and her coming back to Cinco Demayo, And Us Chillin all night, and going to breafast in the morning,And Then talking with her for hours That feel like minutes…. I can talk to her about everything, And she relates, We click so well, I knew from the feeling again I wanted to be with her forever…. Where I think I fucked up was, I could tell everything about her, I could relate to everything she was about, And I knew that from getting that Feeling when I saw her The first time, And I don’t know if she did the same, or if it all just sounds good in words…. I really think she felt it, but Here in My first “Mood Swing” since we been together….., So I have to question everything….. My problem: Mass depression swings…. Humm… Well even though being able to “Feel people like that” sounds cool, and even as though I may be happy I can do it, But, with that is all the bad along with the good….. It’s not like I can do it selectively or anything, so I am constantly feeling everyone I come in contact with, And there are way more bad ones than good, That’s why I have few friends I guess…. So I can feel everyones depression, paranoia, anger, hate, violence, Lies, and sadness also…. So I guess my whole point is, my depression swings come about pretty easily…. I just kinda hibernate by myself, away from everyone, and bring myself down to the very bottom and then return….. It makes the feeling I get from people stronger everythime…. These are my periods of seclusion….. So I guess this one was brought on by Heather going out with matt to the movies…… I told her to go so she could get out of the house, But I knew I would swing like this… Maybe that’s why I wanted her to go….. So I could give up my biggest secret to her, give her my Total trust, Just to see if My feelings for her were right from the beginning.. because I really think she will feel me, But I still have the question “What if she doesn’t” In the back of my head….. My fear of her being able to use it against me, or think I’m totally fucked up and never want to talk to me again….. But I Fell for her hard, and I need to be sure, And actions are better than words. So I guess this is my test to see if I’m the one living in a dream world…. I hope it doesn’t sound selfish, but I know if I Know it is for real, I’m capable of the most selfless love, My problem with always putting girls up on a pedastool before which led me to not being able to trust girls because I always got walked on then hurt. But I need to know, So now I guess I let down the wall I built up to keep everyone out, and see if heather wishes to join me….. Or hurt Me. I’ve managed to keep everyone out my entire life, My parents, teachers, friends,… But If Me and heather are getting married, I need to Know for sure, I don’t want to hide anything from her, I want her to know me completely, exactly as I am, and not How I portray myself to everyone.

So yeah, I got hurt when she said she was going out with matt, then again when she said he is asking her out again, then again when she felt bad for him upstairs so she got off the phone with me…. See I know It shouldn’t bother me, because I really believe her that there is nothing between them, But I still have the question because she’s allowed to see him, Her parents like him, she was with him for 8 months, everyone said she loved him a lot, and then ther is me, who she can’t see, parents don’t like, and have only known for a little while. She knows his story, she told me that. This is my problem.. I get hurt way to easy, and I trip in my head on the smallest of things…. I don’t want to get heather all into me, then one day trip like this and then her hate me…. And wish she stayed with matt… I don’t want to do that to her, so I Have to say all this now. I’m not proud of my past at all…… I’m not proud that I can relate most to rap music, It just says everything I feel, and have been through… The person that wishes to know me can tell by what I listen too…. Every song for a different feeling, from a different time in my life….. Right now, I’m listening to Cradel to the grave From Thug Life….. Along with my depression, builds my hate, everything I hold inside, all comes together at once, all the shit, I’ve been through comes to gether, And just builds, the anger inside is what I hate.. I can release it By writing, or listening to music, so through rap comes my hate, all in a song.. this song has a real deep meaning… The verse is just so on,

“April 10th the rainy day My momma gave birth
To A Baby boy trapped in hell on earth
From day 1 it wasn’t fun I never had a crumb
Daddy worked two jobs and momma won’t stop drinking rum

I tried to cope loc But My Family’s broke
And My Pockets short so Now I got to slang dope
In A Game filled with pain it’s a fuckin shame
The white man got a mother fucker slangin cain

So now it’s on from dusk till dawn
I’m getting my serve on Alwys in my spot with my rocks
Slangin rock after rock, the shit don’t stop I’m steady doging cops
I never flip flop In my drop top thug till I drop

And If I hit the pen I gotta do my time
Sitting On My Bunk reminice about the good times
It’s fucked Up A G Has Got to come up doing dirt
But from the cradle to the grave I’m gonna put in work”

The root of my Mistrust of everyone……Trust for only myself….. But I’m so lonely trusting only me, no one to talk to, so I click with heather, and decide to let her in…

Now Rome – I belong to you is on….. awhhhh.. I miss heather so much……

“Every time I See your face It makes me want to sing, and Everytime I Think about your love it drives me Crazy…”

“Hey My Lady, Tell me whats wrong with your boyfriend
Ahhh.. come on. He holds the key, to your heart
But he don’t love ya baby, baby, like I do I only want to be with you
Girl you are the love of my life , baby
I can give it to you baby
You belong to me and only me baby,

I belong to you, I Belong, I give all my love to you
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy.”

That is an awesome song, I listened to it like 30 times one night sitting here looking at her picture….

I need her…. I don’t know if she knows that… But I need her because she is the only person I ever felt this comfortable with… She is My Lover, My Best Friend, My Fieance. My World…… I just want to be with her, No mater what else happens, as long as I can be with her…. She has Already helped me so much without even knowing it……

I had a pretty bad dream last night that my grandfather died, but then it turned into my dad…. It was pretty vivid, but I forgot most of it, because I refused to write it earlier, because It fucked me up… And I didn’t want to remember it…..

I need someone I can cuddle up with, someone that can protect my emotions, even though that sounds stupid, and I can be hard as fuck on the outside wanting to fight whoever, But Inside, I can be so hurt with just the wrong choice of wo0rds…. I think heather can help me out of it though, Not because she will never say the wrong words sometimes, but because she is the only person I trust, so I know they weren’t meant the way I interpreted them….

I’m trying to change from my past.. I want to be able to trust people, I don’t qwant to hold everything in until I explode and Go crazy… And heather helps me release my inhibitions…. Because she’s not just walking on me, she actually cares for how I’m feelin and what I’m doing…

It just sux cause shes out with mattr right now, when she should be with me….. I’m sure she would feel the same though if I said I was going out with my X, And Then called her from her house and said she has been trying to get me back…. So I know she has to relate to whaty I’m saying, But, I also know If it were the other way around, I would be telling her there is nothing to worry about, so I also got to Relate to her right now…

Heather has brought me closer to god, so, I’m going to quit writing, and go with it, and accept whatever happens as god’s will…… If we really are meant to be together, this will all work out……. Either I’m meant to finally have happiness, or I’m still destined to be hurt.