Don't

You dont have to hold me close
And whisper in my ear
How you love how I do certain things to you.
You don't have to speak
When I ask you a question
Dodge the bullet
Divert to something else.
You don't have to look at me
And listen to my ramblings
Or acknowledge that I am here
Except to pass the blunt and Absolut.
I asked if you love me, you said yes

Now it is me that has to show it.

The spoils of war are seldom great

A Life passes that needs forgotten.

Deep in the selfish hands of reality

Lies truth and understanding

A thought that flashes in a single moment.

Please don't, It is more then can be handled.

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Me according to my doctors.

I am, Bipolar Type II with Psychotic tendencies, massive depression disorder, agoraphobic, paranoia disorder, anxiety disorder with extreme panic.

My Meds now are Xanax, Klonopin, Lamictal, Lexapro, Lithium, Seroquel. Oxycontin and oxycodone.

This is according to my doctors.

Pain

Fuck the Phony
Ride the pony
The dog is in the house.
Bitches Fuckin blow me.
Don't hate me while I stay behind and cry.

Just For You.....Trying to Heal the Wounds, Erase the Scars and Get the "F" on with it....So, let;s do this....

We heal each other, 

Slowly, we move along

But the only thing that could reopen that wound

Is the dust you hold in your palm...

Fixing me, as I fix you, 

Together, with fingers laced - 

and heads down, 

We kiss as we consume.

Looking only for the sunshine now, 

I'll try to push those clouds away

Shine the sunlight on your visions

Because now is here now

And today is your day

Let's clear our heads

And open the door to the road that lies ahead

Nothing dismal in the future for us

Keep our eyes open; 

Head Clear

and mind; focused

And prove (just because we can)

That we'll rise above all the mess....

Fuck the Valley, let's build a house next to Chris  :)

You know that I got you

At your side, and holding your back.....

All My Love, 

Trix

Back From Chris' house.

Had an awesome time, can't wait to go back, I miss my brother.  I miss my job at TEA, also, winter blues are already hitting me.  I need to figure out what to do.  I get jimmy tonight so that is cool.  Grandma H Died today in 1998.

Page from a notebook

Got up and screamed fuck the world

Feeling odd need to go take my meds.  Cant seem to stay awake during the down swings.  Going to see my little Hommie tomorrow I should be happy.  I have a little anxiety but all will be well.  Depressed today, need it to be summer and warm again,  Winter Sucks.  I'm going to see if Kerri will let me use her car.  I need to get out and clear thoughts to 2PAC.  I am Cramped and loosing air.  I need to get outside.  Maybe walking is better like I did in Mt. P, who knows.  Blunt to the head, maybe take the gun out to target shoot.

Peace,
The Mentor
Sutdog 69
-4- Whoresmen.

Demon Twist

Up inside of me the demons twist
the ful moon bright
to you, you must die tonight.
Hold Strong. Prepare. The uncharted lies ahead.
From Demon toungs to Sutdogs Brain. we are one, seething.
In Exstacy for loving ever more.

Painted Face

Each phone call beneficial to the one on the other end.  Who does the rock with the weight of the world on his back lean on.  Happy voice and the positive attitude is just the paint on the face of  one devestated.  I built myself to adapt, but hate what I created.  Miles seperate those who need to be close, yet I'm more distant from those in the next room.  My heart aches when I can't heal a friends heart ache, it's pain I learned to consume.  A costume of success covers a soul so depressed, so I excell while I regress.

Day 2

A little girl, in a window, pounding to get out, How many times had Jimmy done that to get his moms attention?  Day 2 is psychotic.  The thoughts of the day are bleek, court with Crystal, my deadly thread.  Bound together to her by Jimmy, yet she keeps me away.  I am Tense, tense with anticipation about the day, the night, will I live, another day.
The Spiral continues, dragging me down like a bathtub ejecting water, a spiral tornado, sucking the life.  My mind, open, to the heavens, asa if my head was split open, I sit to see the sun, my spiritual connection lingers on.  I search the plains, I look to the 4 corners, I tempt faTE one more time, To bring me closer to you.   I love you Jimmy.

The Donward spiral

I'm starting the spiral of depression that goes with my Bipolar.  Major depressive disorder I guess.  It just sux, I want to be alone, do nothing, I have no ambitions, no feelings, nothing that matters when these strike.  I had a panic attack the other day.  Trix66 helped me out awesome, she just grabbed me up and held on to me tight telling me it was all going to be ok.  That is what I tried to tell Kate back in the day, it works really good, Kate just didn't give a fuck I guess, she never acted like she Was doing it to help, it was more like she felt obligated, or it was a burden to her.  I guess I learned lessons through it all though.  I am in a better place,  I am close to Jimmy, and She never really knew me anyway.  T^he plan to jet, so calculated.  All I miss from Iowa is my job.

Hanging out with Trix is awesome, she feels me, she understands, and is there for me.

Crystal is a bitch.  I haven't talked to my son since August 5th, his birthday, except for 2 times.  Another major trigger for the downslide.  I notice it already, all I want to do is sleep, be in quiet places and not think, emotionless, white paper is all I think of.  Trix will see a major swing, I guess we will see how she handles it compareds to my past experiences.  Someone has to accept it and help me.  I can't take having everyone from crystal to my family not understanding what I'm going through.  The Manic stage ended yesterday with me buying 2 instruments with money I shouldn't have spent.   Its all downhill from here!

My new instruments.

I just got a new Bass and a new Acoustic Guitar, awesome!

 

Leg Cramps at night.

I got switched up on Meds and now I get leg cramps in my calves almost every night.  They wake me from sleeping and hurt like a bitch.  Has anyone ever had this happen?  It really sux.  the meds are called symbrax.   But, I was getting them before the change to so I'm not sure what the problem is.  I take vitamins, I eat.  All I know is they are so bad it hurts in the daytime after the cramps in the night.  I looked on the web.  Maybe I just need more water.

My Song to the past. Lyrics to a Limp Bizcut song says it all.

Fuck you.

it's not my mind -repeat x6
not my mind -repeat x6

yo J

and I get a little bit

your veins flow with poison
please acknowledge my present
this precous gift I behold disgaurded like trash
to dominate, it's in your nature, you selfish brat

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

strange things occuring
happening over and
over and over again
now bitch you are cruelty
you bark your orders with such a degrading dialect

--chorus--
I can't believe you had me strung out all over you like that
one minute you're sweet the next minute you're sour
and I taste the envious predictions, change with each hour
well, i've seen this before you even decide to step into my little world

gonna funk it up

one minute you think you're all this
the next minute you think you're all that
but your playin' with a nova momma didn't show ya
how to take gettin' canned by the man when it's over
I'll be hunting you down
waiting for the payback, your frown
begging me for your mercy
I ain't down with the sympathy you see
and I always remember your tender love
wipe me under the rug
just so you can step on my spine
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x2

(?) inflicted reminds me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I'd like to rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine _please don't make me_ -repeat x2
you're so sweet -repeat x3
I'm gonna get mine -repeat x3
so (?)was wasted behind me
I'm gonna get mine
(?) behind these walls of chain you find me
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
I wanna rearrange your face
I'm gonna get mine
you're so sweet -repeat x3

you're always right and I'm always wrong
not my mind
that's why you love me so much
not my mind
you're so sweet
not my mind
I love you
you're so sweet
I love you
not my mind -repeat x4

Broken Spirit

My spirit is falling.
I get drunk and stoned to make them go away. 
It masks the problems, too hard to handel.
Broken spirit, my broken self with my broken spirit.
Bend me, shape me, anyway you want.
My spirit is broken, the hustler, Broken.

Untitled

All I ever needed was for you to love me.
All I ever needed was for you to hold me,
All i ever wanted was for you to hug me.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me,

I sit in the 4 walls, blood runs down as I slit my wrists, pain, a sense I feel no more. 
I see the otherside, still watching the ground fill with blood.

All I needed was you.

My walking Papers

Major Depressive Disorder.

Fuck the phony, Ride the pony
The Dog in the house
Bitches fucking blow me.
Don't hate me as I stay behind and cry.

Trip Pic from the other night. Goes w/ From Kerri

I Drew this. It is astrology symbols for the moment of my feelings flowing to paper. I guess you could Say Its coded.