Poetry #2

Ecstasy

The Feel of your skin against my hands
Makes me quiver with anticipation
I need to have all of you
Bring you to the edge
That spiritual union of two souls lost in each others body
The things I would do to you can't be explained
You'll have to wait and see, and trust It is all about you
My greatest joy would be taking you there
To that point, no thoughts in our heads but the simple bliss
Chills running down our backs as the moment nears
An eruption of emotions and feelings both physical and mental.
As we lay there starting to come down,
I hold you so close, and gently tickle your body with my fingertips
Making those chills run all over your body
I'm lost in your eyes, and the feelings are so strong.
I now start over and gently tease to the point again
Another release that brings us closer
The ecstasy I feel is you.

My One

Laughter and happiness
Sadness and hard times
I can feel your emotions,
Its like I can tell what you’re feeling
We complete each other’s sentence
and I cry when your upset
I hurt inside when I know you are hurting
because it pains me to not be there to hold you
You are my one
The one who completes me
A connection on a so much deeper level
Making love I touch your soul
gazing into your eyes I am lost
I become one with you
and I feel your innermost desires
You are My one, The only one for me
I want to give you all you deserve
and show you everyday what you mean to me
and how much you have affected me.
My One.

The Storm

The Rain Drips from the overflowing Gutters
Landing atop My head soaking to the bone
The peace I once had, Knowing I was
protected from the rain, Is now a fading
memory. If only I could go back in time to
when the gutters were not filled with anger
and resentment toward one another. Another
time, where they worked to protect me. It
seems the storm is just too strong. I am no
longer shielded from its wrath. At least
the rain will hide the tears, as I watch My
parents say goodbye, Leaving me alone to
drown in the sorrow of the storm.

Desperate Times

The time of death grows close by
Although I’m scared my eyes don’t cry
For if I leave I leave Behind
A Shattered World of Desperate Times.

No Title

How will I know if this is true
The love I feel so fresh and new
Our time we share as only friends
Your time consumed by other men
I cannot read the signs you show

No Title

I’m Going Crazy
Out of my Head
I’m feeling Crazy
No one can help me
I’ve slipped into sorrow
Don’t care about tomorrow
Take a step back from your Life
And find your feelings deep inside
Tell me what does it mean
In a life with no meaning
Away from all the troubles in the world
What I’ve Become
I gave you my heart and gave you my soul
But you turned your back on me
I wanted to make you lose control
But you wouldn’t let me
Now that you’re gone I’m Feelin alone
My Heart is black now
Can anyone help me fill this hole
Before I’m swallowed up inside
I feel Like I’m Drowning
Losing control
Thoughts are all twisted
Skin growing cold
It’s Taken Away my life
Can ya help me ease the pain
The pain I am Feeling
Someone stop the pain
Can you help me
My Minds insane
My Body’s numb
I Can’t Escape
What I’ve Become.

Daddies Boy

I have left you behind, behind in life’s game
All to move forward with nothing to gain
If I only knew then how much it would hurt
I may have changed it all, thrown dreams to the dirt
For all I have now, all around me is grand
My Life and my things all surround me in hand
The one thing I want for is something I can’t have
But for court ordered visits, alone with your dad.
I love you my Son, lest you ever forget,
I did this all for you, I can’t live with regret
One day I will have you, together always,
And I will never leave you the rest of our days.
I didn’t abandon, or leave cause of you,
There was lots going on, I hate putting you through
I want you to know not a moment goes by,
I don’t think about you, waiting to break down and cry
For you are my world, Daddies Big Boy,
Your love isn’t bought with houses and toys.
For you I will sacrifice, myself if I must
So that you can have everything especially my trust
Know That I love you and know that I’m here
Tell mommy to call me if only to hear
My voice on the phone, as I love to hear you
You’re growing so quickly, My Little man, its true
And I’ll love you forever, but it makes me so blue.
When you lay your head down at night remember in your heart
The stars you see up in the sky are so much further than we’re apart
So as you see them, I do too remember forever I’m here for you
You give me the call I’ll be there in a flash, I fight of you nightmares
Or things that go crash.
There’s nothing you can’t tell me, not one word that can’t be said.
I Love you Jimmy, Sweet dreams from your dad.

Day 2

A little girl, in a window, pounding to get out, How many times had Jimmy done that to get his moms attention?  Day 2 is psychotic.  The thoughts of the day are bleek, court with Crystal, my deadly thread.  Bound together to her by Jimmy, yet she keeps me away.  I am Tense, tense with anticipation about the day, the night, will I live, another day.
The Spiral continues, dragging me down like a bathtub ejecting water, a spiral tornado, sucking the life.  My mind, open, to the heavens, asa if my head was split open, I sit to see the sun, my spiritual connection lingers on.  I search the plains, I look to the 4 corners, I tempt faTE one more time, To bring me closer to you.   I love you Jimmy.

Yesterday

I slept the entire day. I kept taking pills and drinking vodka just to stay asleep. I don't want to be awake. I am so alone. The Bipolar makes me feel alone, I've felt alone my whole life, and I sit is this huge house thinking of everything, alone. This is no way to live. I figured out I've become co-dependent since dating Crystal. Before that everything was fine, I actually was alone, by myself and not bothered by it for almost 11 years. Then I went from a 5 year relationship to a 3 year relationship, and I have no friends here, and its hard to even think what to do. I am co dependent. I am so sad, so down, worst every low even over my childhood experiences. My cat is even sad, because she took the others. Of well, Im going to go take some pills and drink some vodka and go back to sleep.

The Breakup.

K Just broke up with me, and is moving her stuff from the house. We were supposed to get married june 20th, now shes moving her stuff out. Crazy how life works, It was weeks she went without saying I love you. Jimmy didn't get any attention while he was here. So I have my dad with abnormal brain scans, my mom with lumps in her head we dont know what they are my son got sexually and physically abused, and hher reason was she can't deal with the drama. Can't deal with me and the X fighting over the kid, or all my family drama, and family IM, cant deal with my probblemws, or attitudes. Well fuck it. She admitted she is self centered, and Vain, and just cant be involced in all my life problems to help me fix them.......


Anyway write more later when I can see.......

Right after I dropped Jimmy off

This really is hard. I never want to give him back.

Video Above

This what right after dropping J-dog off. I had a major breakdown in the car, I had to sit for about 5 minutes until I could calm down. I will write tomorrow about everything that happened during the visit.

The Sparrows Song Exteneded Emotional

This started as a poem, as you will find down below. Up till now only 4 people heard the song, it was made for me. This is my extended, of the hip emotional version to the classic song written in 1998.

Poetry Part 1

Tomorrow

When I Look Into Your Eyes I See
The Pain Inside You Hide So Deep
So Darlin Come and Take My Hand
I’ll Lead You to Familiar Lands
I Remember All the Times We Shared
How You Laughed and How You Cared
Beside Me through the Good And Bad
Through Times So Rough
And Times So Sad
And I Need You Here with Me
And I’ll Love You Every Step You Take
Together Only Me and You
Our Love Will Know Just What To Do
And The Love I Have For You
Is The Light That Shines The Sun So Bright
To Lighten Up Your Darkest Days
Come With Me Babe We’ll Run Away To Tomorrow.
When The Tears Rolled Down Your Face I Cried,
To See How Bad You Hurt Inside
So Baby Let Me Dry Your Face
We’ll Meet Again Some Other Place
I’ll Remember How You’ld Hold Me Near
And Try To Fight Away My Fears
My Life So Good Is Now So Bad
Cause Ya Left Me Here And I’m So Sad
And I Need You Here With Me
And I’ll Love You Every Breath You Take
Forever Only Me And You
Our Love Will Know Just What To Do
And The Love I Hold For You
Is The Light That Shines The Sun So Bright
To Lighten Up Your Darkest Day
Come With Me Babe We’ll Run Away To Tomorrow
I Will Hold You In My Heart So Tight
As I Look At Stars That Light The Night
And Take Me To A Different Land
Where Me And You Walk Hand In Hand
When You Sit And Wonder Why I’m Gone
Listening To This Love Sick Song
Let Me Back Into Your Heart
We’ll Try Again A Brand New Start
Tomorrow.

Feelings

The Feelings That I Have For You
Can Not Be Said or Felt So True
Until I Gaze Into your Eyes
And See My Feelings From Inside
With you I Feel There Are No Chains
My Soul Is Free To Soar Again
And Leave Behind That Karmic Debt
That I once Had Before We Met.
I Feel Our Souls Are Intertwined
My Feelings Clear To Read Your Mind
How Can I Tell You How I Feel
And Show You That Those Thoughts Are Real
I See Us in My Dreams At Night
Talking By the Candlelight
While Holding You in My Arms So Tight
To Kiss Your Lips and Say Goodnight
So Why Then If the Feelings True
Can I Not Say That I Love You?

Misery

Sitting Here Lying Alone
Hurting Cause You Are Gone
Reminisce About the Time We Shared
If You Only Knew How Much I Cared
Pictures Bring Back the Pain
Of The Times When I Was Sane
I Need You Here With Me
No Escape from What Will Be
Take a Trip to Exstacy
In My Life of Misery
Images Cloud My Mind
Now Our Time Is Left Behind
Pictures Bring Back the Pain
Another Time When I Was Sane
I Need You Here With Me
Can’t Escape From What Will Be
Take a Trip To Exstacy
In My Life of Misery
Tripping Brings Back The Pain
Of My Life This Fucked Up Game
I Need You Here With Me
No Escape from What Will Be
Take a Trip To Exstacy
In My Life of Misery
Take a Trip To Exstacy
No Escape for You And Me
No Escape for You And Me
From Our Lives of Misery
No Escape for You and Me
From Our Lives of Misery.
Number 2
How Can You Leave Me Here This Way
With So Much More I Have To Say
All The Pain I Feel In Inside, I Can't Hide
These Twisted Thoughts Consume My Mind
And I'm Feeling Cold
Like That Long Winding Road
That Leads Me Back To You
How Can You Say You Love Me Too
When In Your Heart I'm Number Two
How Could I Have Been So Blind
To Think That One Day You'd Be Mine
I'm So Alone I Hope I'll Wake Up And Find
It Wasn't All Just One Big Lie
And I'm Feeling Cold Inside
Like All The Times I Cried
When I Was Away From You
And Everything I've Done
Don't Seem To Mater None
Cause I Am Still Just Number Two

Sometimes

Sometimes the pills, the alcohol, the anger, the fear, the panic

All Builds so high, a tolerance to everything

A Tolerance to life, that makes me sit back

and wonder what did I do right?

Nothing.

Except my son, I would not change that, but The depression is bad.

Help I scream, but others don't hear.

Ones that I love, live many miles from here

A girl that I miss a friend to the end

a Boy in the south that would ride to the death

all these things I feel so numb, shott myself to watch it bleed, its funny the redness fades to gray.

How I Feel

Bipolar Disorder and Depression Symptoms

The dramatic mood swings of bipolar disorder do not follow a set pattern. Depression does not always follow mania. A person may experience the same mood state several times -- for weeks, months, even years at a time before experiencing a change in mood. Also, the severity of mood phases can differ from person to person.

The periods of depression can be equally intense. Sadness and anxiety affect every aspect of life -- thoughts, feelings, sleeping, eating, physical health, relationships, ability to function at work. If depression is not treated, it only grows worse. There may seem to be no way out of this overwhelming mood.

These depressed feelings have been described this way:

Depression: I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless... . [I am] haunt[ed] ... with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all. Others say, "It's only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but, of course, they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can't feel, move, think, or care, then what on earth is the point?

An episode of depression involves five or more of these symptoms most of the day -- nearly every day -- for two weeks or longer:

Symptoms of depression:

• Sadness, anxiety, irritability ----Yes
• Loss of energy ----Yes
• Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness ----Yes
• Loss of interest or enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable ----Yes
• Difficulty concentrating ----Yes
• Uncontrollable crying
• Difficulty making decisions ----Yes
• Increased need for sleep
• Insomnia ----Yes
• Change in appetite causing weight loss or gain ----Yes
• Thoughts of death or suicide ----Yes
• Attempting suicide

When a person with psychosis is depressed, there may be delusions of guilt or worthlessness -- perhaps there is an inaccurate belief of being ruined and penniless, or having committed a terrible crime.

If untreated, episodes of depression tend to come closer together and are harder to treat. They may switch into mania. But treatment can prevent this from happening. With medication and therapy, its possible to live normally -- to have a happy, productive life.

An Older Journal Entry

I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.
Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.