Generosity Test

Give and take is part of any relationship. The unspoken agreement to lean on your lover in exchange for your support at another time is part of what makes being in a relationship desirable over being alone.

As a lover, you are expected to give to fulfill your partner's needs and wishes. In return you should ideally experience what it is like to be given to. Your score and the results of this test refer to the role you fulfill in your current relationship. This is not a trait that you necessarily exhibit throughout life, but rather a style or role you have adopted for your present situation. Despite the fact most of us follow a general trend throughout our lifetime, the interaction with our partner can significantly influence our position--we may be reacting to or leading our partner's behavior. In fact, your style can be seen as a cocktail that gets shaken and stirred whenever you begin a new relationship or even when the dynamics of your current relationship change significantly. The essence may remain the same, but the added ingredients, flavors and garnishes change its taste.

In general terms, the healthiest alternative is to reach a certain balance between giving and taking. Couples who strike a balance are more likely to go with the flow, taking a little when they feel the need and giving when they feel they have something to offer their partner. Such a relationship is a healthy one -- both partners are comfortable with themselves, are able to identify their own needs and desires and can act on these feelings with the understanding that their partner will recognize their need and fulfill it. A couple that balances the giving and taking are two people working together to make a stronger whole.

However, love does not necessarily require the give-take division to be perfectly equal, nor does it specify what works and what doesn't. Every couple is different and what works for one may throw another pair off balance. What is most important is that the distribution satisfies both partners. Keep this in mind as you check out your score...

Results of the Giver Test

Your score = 85
Taker	Sharer	Giver

What does your score mean?

You are a giver extraordinaire! Perhaps you obtain enjoyment by constantly providing your partner with tokens of your love. Maybe your rewards come from the gratitude you receive after having given to your partner. Or maybe the act itself is amply fulfilling. Whatever the reason, it's great as long as you remain happy in this position. Giving is a beautiful thing if your offerings are well received and appreciated.

But any extreme has its possible drawbacks. And as a persistent giver there are many things you should watch out for. You may be putting your lover's needs and wants in front of your own in your desire to please. It feels nice at first to give and to see your partner appreciate your offers, but eventually this sense of well being may die if your mate gets into the habit and expects (or feels entitled to) your nice gestures-without giving in return. Don't let yourself become trapped in such a pattern with your partner if it no longer gives you joy, or even worse, if you start experiencing resentment and frustration. Give only because you truly WANT to -- not because you feel obliged to or want something in return.

Being a 100% giver in a relationship may backfire for you or your partner. It could leave your partner as the taker in the relationship, which may or may not be what s/he is comfortable with. For some people, receiving is a joy that invokes the urge to give back with the same gusto. With two such people together, a fantastic relationship full of reciprocated generosity can develop. But for others, being showered with attention and love feels great at first but may become suffocating over time. And then there are those individuals who simply enjoy being treated like royalty, come to expect such treatment, and don't give a second thought to the fact that they might give something in return. Whether such partners are simply clueless or truly selfish, you should beware, since you could miss out on the joys of being on the receiving end of a relationship.

And being a reluctant giver can cause you to suffer from pent up feelings of frustration. Only give when you truly wish to...

My About Sensuality Test Results

Sensuality is to be acutely aware of what the senses perceive. This preoccupation or devotion to that which is smelled, touched, heard, tasted, and seen has some bearing on how one experiences life…and sex.

Studies have shown that people who are exceptionally sensual are very process-oriented. In life, this means enjoying the present moment and not always being hung up on the future or the past. What is going on around at the present moment is enough to capture the sensual individuals full attention. This is an excellent recipe for happiness. In matters of sex, being process-oriented means NOT being driven by the goal of orgasm. Instead it means enjoying sex for the experience itself, basking in the actual act and not driving to a climactic finish.

Results of the Sensuality Test

Sensuality Index Your score = 87

What does your score mean?

You are one sensual human being! You are titillated by the sensual stimuli of everyday life. The smell of flowers, the sensation of silk against the skin, the taste of food, the sound of music, and the rich colors of life tickle and tease you to ecstasy. Yours is a hedonistic attitude, and you deeply enjoy the physical pleasures that life has to offer. This is great-a good smell or beautiful color is often enough to keep a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

You are into long, emotional lovemaking (which is usually followed by an earth-shattering orgasm). This is fabulous for you and one would wager that your partner doesn't mind either!

Your senses are also inextricably linked to your emotions and certain sensual stimuli can evoke strong feelings. Therefore you tend to be emotionally passionate.

Because you get so much pleasure from your senses, you are eager to experiment in life. This is positive since you can make great discoveries and experience a lot of pleasure. However, being pleasure-driven can sour you from persevering if an experience isn't entirely pleasant. If that's your case, your lack of persistence might be keeping you from attaining worthy goals (sometimes it is necessary to wade through dull and insipid periods of life).

But most importantly, remember that 'too much of a good thing' can be harmful. People who delight is sensual pleasures are at a slightly increased risk for addictions (substance, sex, love, etc.). So keep yourself in check. Careless sex, too much chocolate, and fine wine can all be wonderful in reasonable doses. And though they induce pleasure, too much can lead to your demise.

All in all, you have the innate ability to use your senses to enjoy what this life has to offer!

Star

The day of love grows ever near
But time goes by another year
Without someone to share it with
Or give that gentle little kiss
Why are you so blind to see
The love for you that comes from me
If only I could express in words
The artistic beauty in the flight of birds
When you come outside your house to play
And bask in warming sunshine rays.
The squirrels run down the streets and cheer
The coldness of winter no longer here
Your heartfelt smile makes roses bloom
In Multi Colors like Cartoons
A More elegant creature than a swan
Yet childish like the youngest fawn
You deserve to reach the greatest heights
And see your name surrounded in lights
Potential mates knock at your door
And Hope to be the one with more
You Hide your feelings and turn away
The clouds roll in and end the day
None of them can understand
Or Even Begin to comprehend
When you sit inside your room and cry
Hang your head and wish to die
But I’m still here throughout your tears
To comfort you and quench your fears
Your Beautiful Like the morning sun
The Tempting lioness who’s Lots of fun.
Although I’m just a friend today
I care more for you than words can say
And Love you for your mind and soul
And not for things like money and clothes
So As I end this sweet Goodbye
No Other Star could catch My Eye
I’ll sit alone and tempt my fate
I’ll sit alone, alone and wait.

“Even the Brightest Stars eventually fade to nothingness”

Rebirth

All the Bad I Ever Did
Now Lays Exposed No Longer Hid
In Plain View of Judgment Eyes
That Are Not Happy Till I Die.
My Spirit Lives, Free From Chains
No More Sorrow, No More Pain
I Must Now Go To a Different Place
And Watch My Body Laid To Waste
For I Am Free, No Longer Trapped
In Hell on Earth and Lover Spats
My Spirit Free To Live Again
Another Place, another Man.

Untitled

Sometimes it seems as if the weight of the world bears down
Endlessly pushing, more and more untill it seems all is about to break
Evrything rushing, no time for yourself, The wonderful person you are
always putting eveyone else ahead, The helping hand that is always there.
Not everyone appreciates your selfless giving, or understands the needs that you have
While everyone is caught up in what can be done for them, pushing untill you can do no more
When you finallay crash, Unappreciated, and feeling alone.
Always remember, your never alone. I want to be that pillar of light
Off in the distace like a lighthouse steering ships to port
The one who you can count on to always be there when your in need, not for myself,
but for you.
To hold you through the night, and wipe away your tears.
To Gently rub your hair while you tell me all your fears,
To help you through your day so your not so overwhelmed,
and laugh and talk and cry together so you know how appriciated you are
At many times in this life, the battles need to be chosen,
You are but 1 person who cannot accept demands from everyone
Some things in life are meant to be done for the self, and the happiness it brings,
Slow down and enjoy while it lasts, it all goes so quickly,
I will be here for you, Forever and always
I Promise to always love you,
And care for you,
and be someone you can escape the hectic world to
so that I can make you happy, and show you how special you really are
and do the things for you that you deserve,
My Love, My Life,
My Princess.

An Older Journal Entry

I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true I have reached the Lowest point, the point of most understanding. See I live life in pictures, stored as memories of tims that past. I look at this and see my life. But it seems All I can see is bad. I see my father leaving for the mine One night. Me and my youngest sister in our pajamas, them He picks me up and hugs me, gives me a kiss and tell me he loves me like he always does, then turn and leave. I guess my next memory is him in traction in the hospital, I never really knew exactly what was happening, being a kid and all. So My father braking his back in the Coal mine didn't seem as serious as it turned out to be. I spent many nights crying in my bedroom because my dad was in the hospital and I missed him so much. My mom never really showd affection at all when I was a kid. My memories Of her were times of yelling at me and nitpicking everything I did. My mother was very dominate, and also pessimistic. She used to make us crowd in the stairs whenever there was a bad thunderstorm so we didn't get struck by lightning. It's funny how terrible the storms seem when I was little but since I've grown I have never seen one that even comes close. Maybe that is why I'm so intreguied with storms, and tornado chasing. I'm trying to live that memory with the most vicious storm I can find, just so I can face my fears of it as a child.

The next memoriy I have is calling the ambulance to come because My father was having a heart attack. I was so scared. Me and my father were extreemly close, I used to have to here him talk about dying all the time. Like he would tell me things like I probably won't be here long anyways, So down on life, and I can't judge him for that because I haven't been in his shoes, but for me to hear it that young was like programming something In my head. The psychological damage that can be done to a kids just by what is said to them is enormous. Many people will never realize why They do things like they do, but I think it is just getting back to the core of your emotions, the root of all, your spirit. I am trying to free myself from these fears by getting to the root of everything that has happened to me and see how it has changed my life.

My Fear of Death. I think it Stems from the pessimistic attitidude of my mom reinforcing my father saying he wasn't going to be here long.. And the fact he was hospitializedso much, I used to never Know if I would see him again.. The fact that My mother used to make Us hide from storms. All This on top of getting almost electroucuted by a Leaky water faucet when I was like 10, add up to me being So afraid of dying now, Like I have this mortality complex where I used to think I was never going to die, I was Immortal. Well now I know its true, and it scares me because I don't think I have been living life the way I should have been. Now I realize Every minute counts, I wast so much time it is unreal.. Like My life has no direction. as A kid I always saw myself Married with kids, A house, New cars, Everything I wanted. Now I see myself as A maytr for the cause. I don't think I am ment to have that life. I think I am ment to suffer hardships. Through these mY creativity flows. Everything I believe comes from these feelings. Iwould still love to have A big house, and all that family life, but I don't think I am meant to Have it. Everyone I'm ever interested in isn't interested in me, They always go for my friends. And Everyone I have dated has never lived up to what I need. For me everything I do is base dOn relationships. I can't see myself living life with the house, and cars and 9-5 happy go lucky life by myself. I've been so unfair to stephanie. I've lived a dream world since we broke up. That was when I grew up. I guess. I mean I was always a loner, I dated and had sex with 1 girl before her with A girl I knew my whole life, and just thought that was all there was, Like i was just going to grow up marry her and live vally life. Well stephanine showeed me true Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.
Love. Every minute I spent with her was special. Every minute I spent without her was devastating. I became so fixed on the fact i Thought she was My soul mate and we were going to be together again someday, that I lost touch with anyone that has followed. I can't connect on that level with them, so I don't want them. I have been judgmental of others because I was comparing them to Stephanie. For that I am sorry.

I need a girl I can click with emotionally . Some one who knows wht I feeling and I know how she is feeling.
Someone who will love me unconditionally for who I am, Never try to change me, but make me change just because Of the Positive influence they have on me. Some on I can hold at night. Must be cuddly. Someone I can take care of money wise, but takes carde of me emotionally. I guess I'm looking for the mother I never had, but keep geeting all the ones that are just like her.

Letter To Stephanie

A Letter to Stephanie.

Wow, Where do I start? It’s been awhile huh? It’s kinda funny that the minute I convince myself that I’ll never talk to you, or see you again, you mom shows up at my work asking how to get ahold of me. That’s pretty crazy. I always heard you never find what you are looking for until you quit looking, I guess it works out kinda funny They were right. Ok, So about that start, This is going to put a lot of stuff to rest for me steph. All I ask is that you read it word for word, from beginning to end before you say anything about it, or quit reading. This letter is my psychatrist,  I will use it to tell you everything I have needed to tell you for a long time now. Things that have totally changed who I am Steph. Yeah it may have been some Hard stuff I had to deal with, but I finally can see the whole picture now, And I thank you for all the times your Life has crossed mine. You have truly made me a better person without even knowing.

So ok, back to the little story. Wow, It seems like so long now. Up until now, when I see you again, I didn’t realize Just how long it has been. I guess I have lived in a fantasy world since we broke up. And to be honest, I don’t even remember Us Breaking up. I mean I know we did, I just can’t remember any of the conversation, what it was all about, where I was, anything. Whats really odd about that is I can remember everything else of our relationship Crystal clear. Like When you were dating dustin and we stopped at the football field, looking for that girls sister, and you guys went back under the bleachers. I stayed in the car and When you came out, you were walking in back, and when you got close to the car you flashed me real quick and then just looked at me and smiled. I’ll never forget how I felt at that moment, or your face. You stole my heart back then Steph, Looking at you I saw the most beautiful creature God created. I’ve tried to analyze our relationship a lot, and when I talk to people about it, I just tell them we “Clicked”. I say it was telekinetic, fate, soulmates, or whatever else you want to call it, but It is all the same. We never really ever talked about it when we were together, but when we split up, I dedicated my life to trying to explain it. So anyways, this is my thoughts, I really don’t know if you ever felt the same, But at least I have to tell you how I felt. When I was with you Steph, It was like I could read your mind, Like literally. It seems like You never had to say a word, and I knew what you were thinking about, and especially how you were feeling. I could tell when you were truly happy, or just faking it, I could tell when you were upset, You didn’t have to say a waord. I know we talked about everything a lot, and so you would usually tell me when you were upset or happy or whatever anyway, but I guess It was just like, I already knew the story. I never in my life did that with anyone else. I didn’t really know why it was like that, or why I felt like that, but it was unreal. I remember times when you were hurt, I can think about them still today, and feel that pain in my chest, Everything you ever shared with me, I could “feel” When you were happy I was happy, When You were sad I was sad. Kinda like my emotions fed off of yours. I got into astrology because of those feelings. I had to see what it was about you that made me feel like that, and Why I never with anyone else. So that basically started everything. Astrology pretty much said everything I was trying to find out, everything seemed like it was exactly right about me. I did your chart, but didn’t have your birthtime, so I guessed and it also seemed really on about the kind of person you were, Except for a few things, But that was because the time was wrong. (I got the right time from your mom and finally got an exact chart, so now everything makes sense. I’ll give you a copy of it. And you can see what you think.) So yeah, That got me started on this whole relationship astrology kick. I tore our charts apart sepratly, and together. Looking at every aspect of our individual personalities, And our relationship to each other. Well, along the way, I guess I came to this conclusion that we were soul mates. Something I never knew about before. I started changing all my religious beliefs. I mean I believe in God, and Jesus, I just don’t really believe in organized church. It’s like Most of the people who say they are so holy are actually so hypicritical, but, That’s another story. Anyways, I started getting this fate thing in my head of how god programmed everyones life from the beginning, along with the choices we have, it’s just he had a path for every possible choice already planned. So this gets me thinking about Ok, I dropped out of college, I was only there to meet you. Like he had everything planned for me to find you. I was in a relationship with the only girl I ever slept with up to that point, Talking about getting married as soon as I finished school, Then I meet you, who the first time I ever see you, even though it was only for a second, when Me and dustin rode by the pool hall and you were standing in front, I fall in love, Real love. Not what I thought love was when I was with cathy. So yeah, 4 days later we Broke up. Even though nothing Happened with us, I just knew me and Cathy weren’t meant to be together. Well, you know the story, Time went by, and me and you hooked up. Steph, I remember the night you were fighting with dustin about that skank bitch he was getting weed off of and I was giving you a ride home. You just jumped across the seat and started kissing my neck.. I had chills so bad, It felt so right, I could feel my whole body tingle, I can still feel it and give myself chills.  Well, that whole time steph, all I ever wanted to do was be there for you, Serve you, pleasure you, do whatever for you, and I never wanted anything back in return. I had never given love freely like that before.. It always seemed with cathy It would be something Like I would do something for her, then later ask her to do something for me cause I did it for her. I did that in everyother relationship I was in after you too.. It Wasn’t like that at all with you. I mean you always did everything for me anyways so I would never have to ask anyways, but the point is that all that mattered was that you were happy. It all goes back to that, when your happy I’m happy, when your sad, I’m sad thing. It was like I never looked at it as me and you. I always saw it as Us. If anyone challenged you, they challenged me too. Steph, Your probably sick about now, but, Just laugh, I promise it isn’t going to be one of those depressing, Oh You should break up with your man and go back with me letters, I just have to tell you everything. The one thing I missed the most was You as my friend. As The Best Friend I ever had. The friend that knew everything about me, that I couldn’t hide anything from, and never wanted to anyway. That’s why you get this letter steph. Because You are the one who’s opinion matters to me. I Had a few real close friends that were girls, not girlfriends, in the last five years that I told everything I am telling you now. It’s just, I don’t really think they understood. They would say they did, But I don’t really think they did. I know you will. If no one else in the world Knows, I know you will. So ok where was I. Oh yeah, We dated everything was cool, we moved to Columbus, and Shit just went downhill. Let me start by saying two things I have needed to say for a long time. Stephanie , I am so sorry I spent so much time on the computer. Not that it even matters anymore, But I just wanted you to know that. I wish I would have spent every minute I had Just holding you. The Other Thing that I regret to this day, and will probably haunt me every day till I die is that I didn’t run away with you the night before you had to go back to your dads. Hard to tell how things would have been If I would have just been like Fuck it lets go.

So yeah, We move to Columbus with no where to live, your moms all fucked up over jeff, We Got to donate plasma to have money to eat, The abortion, Yeah those were some pretty hard times. Through it all though, I loved you more and more. You know back then, It may have been an escape from everything for you for us to get married, But I was all about it for the simple fact that I knew you were special, I knew I wanted to be with you, To make you my wife. But, as fate works it’s magic, It didn’t happen. So we move on, You go to your dads, and I go to the valley. Here’s where Our life together left off until now. This is everything That happened in that time, And again, It’s just something I need to tell you. I don’t want you to think I’m telling you all this to make you feel bad or anything Steph. It’s just like I said Before, This is my psychatrist, and I need to let it out, and you are the only one who will understand, and needs to hear it.

Ok. Well, lets see. The Ride home. I listen to Love songs and cried. Yeah I’m a bitch I guess.. It just hurt so bad. I got home and stayed with my cousin for a few weeks.. In which time I started smoking weed a lot to try to forget about stuff and make Three years pass by quick till you were eighteen. We talked a lot on the phone and stuff. I had your dog stuffed animal And your perfume. I would spray the dog and sleep with him everynight.  I wore your rings for like a year after we broke up… Like I said before, I don’t really remember much about how it came we broke up, That whole part of my life is kinda just blocked, I can’t remember anything from that time. When I do remember is being broke up with you, getting into drugs more looking for answers. I turned into a full fledged Pot head, and Started Doing acid, coke, Crystal Meth, I even smoked crack there for awhile. Everything with us, and finding out my dad was real sick, and being in debt so bad, It all just happened, I was selling drugs to make money, and doing all the mony I made in drugs. I hope you don’t think any less of me, I am so sorry I ever did any of it now, But at the time, nothing Mattered, I really didn’t give a fuck about anything. Then One night on 2 Hits of Purple jesus and three Green Gel caps, I put a bullet in A Nine, And Put it in my mouth. That whole experience kinda messed me up pretty bad. I mean, I pulled the trigger, I should be dead, But it jammed, I took it out of my mouth, and put it in the air, pulled again, and It fired. Being on acid, I don’t know If I had a real religious experience, or if it was all imagined, but one thing is for sure, the gun didn’t go off In my mouth. So What it was like to me was like, It wasn’t my time yet, so God wouldn’t let me. Well, I started looking for answers, That’s when I got into astrology and All kind of psychic stuff. It was like When I was trippin, I would find myself. I didn’t do it with people after awhile, and I didn’t do it to get fucked up anymore. I did it to let out everything I had inside, From Childhood memories, To you. Always by myself. Well Throughout my studies of astrology, I find out about astral Projections, which are out of body experiences, which sounded exactly like what happened to me when I was trippin. I don’t know if you have ever done it before, I hope not, but, If so You may know what I mean. Well, I had a few real bad trips, and that’s when I realized These Experiences were happining without me having any control. Not a very pleasant thing.. It started out they were the very best feelings, But the bad ones were the very worst, Like The Good ones took me to Heaven, But The bad ones took me to Hell… It scared me a lot, I quit tripping and decided to get to that state of mind through meditation instead of drugs, A little late I guess, Cause I was having flash backs a lot even though I didn’t do anymore acid. I still have them sometimes now.. They only last like ten minutes at most, but they usually trigger panic attacks, Maiinly where I think I’m dying, cause That’s how the bad ones were. I really believe to this Day I died tripping, and came back to life. I guess All of this is just to let you get an idea of how my state of mind was at the time, but, I’ll get back to the story now. Well, I thought about you all the time, every minute, everything I did, It was about you, even though we weren’t together. I felt so lost without you it was unreal.. I let everything go while I lived in a depressing fantasy world of you. That is the point that I started writing the poems that turned into songs on the cd I gave you. I would sit by myself for hours, sometimes days, just thinking, and writing. I have a few notbooks of stuff I wrote from that time I want to turn into a book, I’ll have to show you sometime. It took me about two years before I dated anyone else. I dated this girl named Hedi that reminded me of you. We dated for about three weeks then broke up because I couldn’t stop thinking about you when I was with her. It seemed with her and everyone that followed I judged everything they did by you. By how perfect I thought our relationship was compared to the ones I was in. It was like I haven’t been able to live in the present. I got stuck in The past because I never really felt like we should have been split up. Like I had Everything I ever wanted and would never find anything better, ( Not that there is anything better, like I said Earlier, Gods most beautiful creature, Physically, Mentally and Emotionally) so I just wanted that back. So I waited another year, The whole time thinking of you still and wondering what you were doing, and How your life was, Then start dating this girl named Terri. She reminded me a lot of you because She was Feisty like you. She wouldn’t take anyones shit. We got along ok, them it just got out of hand, which I will admit was my fault, because I never put 100 percent into our relationship.. I always compared her to you, and The bad thing was I told her when I was doing it with things like, When I was With Stephanie, She Never did this, or Whatever. That’s the time I called you and You were pregnant with Kaytlin. You talked about joey, and I told you how much of a bitch Terri was. You also told me Joey was hitting you. I was Pissed.. Even though He was Going out with you, and I hadn’t seen you in a couple of years, I felt like I just wanted to kill him. I guess After that conversation, I thought maybe There was still a chanch for us to be together, you know that whole soulmates thing, so, Not long after I moved back to Columbus, and started back to work with My Uncle. I started straightening Up all my shit, and started making good money, got Microsoft certified as an engineer, and It seemed like My life was going great. Only I still felt empty. Everything still revolved around you. I would think about you all the time, Even dream of you a lot of the time. Believing I was getting some kind of Psychic link to your feelings if I concentrated hard enough. I tried to get ahold of you a few times but couldn’t And suddenly 2 years went by. I really questioned myself all the time. I had all these beliefs that all the psychic, astrology, soulmate, fate, thing was real, but at other times I would just think I was crazy, or obsessive, Scitzophrenic, whatever you want to call it. I Was so depressed through those five years, I let drugs run my life for awhile, I thought about you all the time, dedicated my free time to astrology ans religion, psychic things, all just to try to explain Our relationship. I sat down one day in my room, and played a few songs that really make me think of you really loud, and lie in my bed trying to figure out why I was so obsessive, and tell myself how pathetic I was to let all that time go by because I lost a girlfriend. I realized how pathetic my friends thought I was because I wasn’t playing every girl that came along like they were because I was In love with A Girl I hadn’t seen in 5 years waiting on a fantasy that she was my soulmate and we would be together again so I was going to wait on her. I thought of all this and realized It probably wouldn’t ever happen. I was foolish for thinking it would. So I started dating this girl named Heather. We got along really good, And I started new from there with her, Telling myself I Needed to get on with my life with someone else. I dated her for awhile and we got Engaged. Then a few weeks later I get a call from my office saying your mom was there looking for me. Everything I was trying to forget rushed back all at once. Your mom came over and we talked, I lied to her and said I wasn’t dating anyone, because Yeah, I was suddenly obsessed with you again, Not even that I ever really forgot, or that I could ever forget. Well that night me and your mom were talking and she asked me how I felt about you now. I had to be honest with her, so I told her “If it was between Steph Living Happy, or Me dying, I would slice my wrists and bleed To death right there.” Your mom was like, awww, I’m not trying to hear that, but It is how I felt, and I guess I will always feel Steph. The next time she came over she said You were all pissed she came over and didn’t want to talk to me. That I have to say hurt a little, I know you didn’t mean it like it came out to me, but at that time, I was just like shocked. Everything I came to believe as true about life to that point, was just proven wrong, and All the time I spent, was really me being crazy, ans Obsessive. Like I was making myself believe you were feeling the same, When Now I realize there is no way anyone could have ever done it. You had to get on with your life, I should have gotten on with mine, but I didn’t, so Now I had to try to catch up. Well, I finally got to talk to you, then Everything started falling in to place for me. I felt like a lot of pressure was finally lifted because I got to see you, Especially When I was able to give you The cd. I did it with all intents of 1 copy just for you, but I never really thought I would ever see you so I made 10, and gave them to 8 Of My closest friends, kept #1 For myself, And Saved #7 For you, For your Birthday. Kinda crazy I got to give it to you right after your B-day. I thought Of Making yours #7 along time before I ever saw you. Well anyways, This is getting Long, and I’m sure Boring, so I’ll rap it all up. This letter I guess is to tell you what Kind Of an impact you had on me steph. I bet you never had a clue huh? I still believe in Fate, and soulmates, But Now I See the fate could be We were Just So I could see that, now I need to take it as a great lesson and go on. Steph, You are my best friend, Even though I haven’t seen you in so long, You Still are. I hope we can always stay close, You see how it is when We don’t.  I Will ALWAYS Love you Stephanie Cheree Skeens. I only want The Best for you, I hope you and Joey Can Work Out your Problems, and you can Be happy, If not, You will make someone very happy Steph. Don’t ever settle for anything because you think you don’t have a choice. Remember You’re a Diamond, and You need to Be admired, It’s what you deserve. Me and Heather Broke up since I talked to you. But I really think that was meant to be too. We weren’t meant to be married, I was trying to fill that hole with her, and I knew it, I just wouldn’t admit it until now. I will be able to start fresh now, So I thank you again for Being there even though You didn’t even Know you were doing anything. Remember I will always be here for you. Even If I got married down the rode, If you needed me, I would be there In A Heart beat, Even If It meant I would Lose My Marriage. Who Knows, Maybe one day we will get back together And My dreams Would Turn to Reality. But I Am Now able to get that dream world behind me, and start my life new, And Everything from this point on with us, and everyone else, is the beginning. I won’t bring up any of the things I told you here again, unless you want to know anything, But I had to give this too you, just so I could free Myself From it. I have just felt trapped by it every time we talk, and It was like I was holding back, or hiding that part of me from you, and I didn’t know what else to talk about so it made things kind of awkward at times. Now that I told you, It can’t be in my head anymore, and now I won’t be all awkward when I talk to you, We can start brand new as friends, and forget all of the past. This Cd is made up of all the songs that have had a special place and will always make me think of you, Like Texas Tornado, and The Color Of My Love, A Song you gave me the words to in a letter. I Just had to tell you How much you really mean to me Steph, so that way I can never say I wish I would have told you when I had the chance.

I Love Ya Steph,

Jim