Last Night trip to Pick up J-dog for Easter Break

Wow......

Bad I thought I was going to be all happy, and I was, I got him in the car and he kept telling me how much he loved and missed me which made me feel great. Then he started talking about how the Ex's new boyfriends son beats him up, and they have to share a bed in a small room, they have a small tv, his grandma J yells at him, and burnt him, (he does have a mark across his back the same as from thanksgiving. He called me the X's BF's name, which about killed me. I started breaking down, and although I was VERY happy he was with me, I was so sad, and felt so not in control of the life he lives with her. Everything he said for a 2 hour drive was either, I love you daddy, I miss you and want to live with you forever. and the rest was all the bad things like GMA is mean, Chris is mean to him, the other kids beat him up. He had to give away all his toys and the ones he didn't got broke by the other kids. Mommy is never home. Chris bit him. At this point I took 2 xanax to calm down, I felt I couldn't breath, and fear and anger was over taking me. It just kept going on and on. I had a massive depressive swing and cried all the way home trying to not let him see or hear, until he fell asleep and then I lost it. I got home, took my night time Klonopin, and a Xanax and we played for about an hour and a half, then went to lay down in his bed. I stayed with him so he wouldn't be scared, and we fell asleep watching tv.


Rough Night. Monday when I take him back will be worse.

Rough night.

Massive Bipolar and depressive episode captured on webcam.

Listen to the order of progression, a night of really crazy things that just came, like pictures in my mind as I was playing. Trust me, you want to hear real Bipolar Down at the bottom, this is an example. Toward the end I just go off into a different world, it gets really trippy.

Very low the other night.... Playing guitar Frestyle

tO HOW WILL i LAUGH tOMOWWOR, MOSTLY EM cHORDS

Wrote on a Bipolar Donwslide. To a remake of HWILT.

Part 1,

The Robin Stood deep on the poll.

Sat and Wondered

Whatever happend to that Sparrow

Wonder where he went

Guess we'll never know

Cause the Sparrows song always dies.

and eveyone in this world they just try to get

but everybody knows

you cant laugh at Death

but there is one think you can do,

smile at the rest

so All you Fuckin Haters

You Wanna Laugh I don't Give a shit

Thats Why I laugh.

Shit.

In Em Tune of HWIL Part 2

Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down

I Cry, No Bodys around

Silently, Screamin as I bang my head, bang it against the wall

Seems like nobody cares

nobody at all.

Its always Emotions, But no ones ever to blame.

Its always them pickin on me, there is the flame

The flame of the anger

Biting back on me

Why you want to try to push me,

Just let me be, just let me be

Let me be oh nooo

Its always an emotion

staring at me,

never any reason for you let me be

I try to contain it

But its outside of my grasp

Now the walls all painted,

painted black

Ohhhhh Yeahhhh

Ohhh Yeahhh ohhhhh

Always an emotion how can I explain, how can I explain

Kinda like the Scent of a rose words I cant explain

same with my pain

Caught up in emotion, goes over my head, goes over my head.

Sometimes gotta think am I livin

or am I Fucking Dead

I'm Fucking Dead ohh.

Yo,

if Im gonna smile tomorrow

Got Damit will you wipe away my fucking tears

and if I'm gonna bow my head in sorrow

tell me would you rub up on my ears

It makes me feel better that way

more love than any day

gonna call up all my posse

that way we can come together and play

ohhhh yeah

Have a Play date

Little jimmy, all your uncles

we'll get you a cake

it'll be a blast

yo

If I'm gonna cry

will you wipe away my tears

if I'm gonna die

lord take away my fears

I drown here in sorow but I, I just want to say

How will I laugh tomorrow if I cant smile today, I can't smile today

I can't fuckin smile

Smile today.

Yo

How do you smile when theres so much going on in life

and it makes you feel like you want to slit them wrists, watch it all pour away in the cup

Got our little babies at home.

Got to look out for them ones.
Its the Future of our life you see.
All of Em, Looking out for you and me,
We Got to look out for them.
Make Em Raised, Make Em Raised , Make Em Raised
Make Em Raised Properly
Whats it feel like when you stair in the Camera
And you know there's only one person lookin back
Whats it feel like when you take A Knife and you just peel skin back
What does it feel like to bust somebody's head open with a baseball bat
Whats it Feel like to have that cold steel from the shank in your back
How can everybody tell me yo I got you from here
How can you look at me and say Man I'll Be Here
I know its all bullshit, and I know its a lie.
There aint none of y'all down to fuckin ride when its time to die
Except for the boy that I know well
Ha Ha Throw the 4, its One for Me, one for him, and two for fucking hos yeah!
How Will I laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Smile
How Will I laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Smile
How Will I laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Smile
How Will I laugh Tomorrow Tuck my Thumb for Awhile
As I look outside My Room
I see the world I don't see the reason
Locked inside my little self
Don't Give a fuck if its now a treason
Sit here and Bang the Guitar
Like it was My Bitch
Change up every fuckin word in a song, cause I got a little itch
Maybe I'll Go Back to Em, Maybe I Wont
Nothing seems to matter anymore
These songs that I wrote
The Clock Keeps Ticking but nothing seems to change, seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And when I think of all those times, those Times we've had
Some were good but most were bad, most were always fuckin bad.
FUCKING BAD
So If I'm Going to cry will you wipe away my tears
If I'm gonna die, lord, take away my fears
I'm drowning in sorrow and I, I just wanna say
Will I laugh tomorrow when I can't Cant fucking smile today, smile today, cant fucking smile, smile today.
Here those Notes here?
Shhhht...
Listen, All Together as One, E Minor Note
Sit Down Man, Lets ya Float away
Leave your problems for another day
Sometimes it can bring ya back though
Sometimes it sees inside you
Cause you see Music is just waves,
Waves that pulse our bodies
You Hear what Goes in
But you Feel what Comes out
like Kinda I'm givin it A Little bit of Lovin
Brings a little smile to my face
I can Make a little bit of an up-beat
for a happy day
Try to snatch the rock mother Fucker
Getting a little angry now Ha Ha
All Those Bitches, wanna act like you don't know me
That one special bitch, your fucking life you owe me
All Them Fake Homies Bow to the ground
With their little pills, Needles, weed and Crack, Cocaine, about it, a Little bit of meth,
Xanax, and Alcohol
All Of Em All y'all
When you choose the drugs, and you don't choose me,
You Know What that Means? ha Fuck you Homie
Hope you hear me over hear laughing,
Cause its funny you see
I go through my live livin shit, that might not even been intended for me
Like Some other Body shoulda got some other soul
Like I should of Flown away
Somewhere Alone
Cause that's how I feel inside normally
And Nothing to go
Nothin to live for Except my son you Know?
I got nothin I own, That can't be replaced
Got nothing to show for it, But these lines on my face.
This is my freestyle, I hope you like it
If you don't, you know, I Mean, send it over
Turn it into a dildo, Stick it in your girls shit and light it on fire
You Can watch
It ain't gonna hurt her. You just got to know better,
See you always wanna fucking laugh at me
All Y'all You always wanna Laugh so you take your falls
See Karma's A Bitch Kid
And There aint no rich kids
On The Karma Ride oh no
When you go for a slide down a road
Never get back up you'll see me
Standing at the top ready with E
He's my Big Daddy
Friend of my Family
Father of my Boy Dikkie
Every one of you mother fuckers who knows me
When I throw that Thumb Up
Behind 4 fingers strong
Remember its respect my Dude
For all those nights so long,
Throw the 4 High in the air
One for me and One for you
Now there's 2 left
For mother fuckers that don't know what they about to do
They See us coming down yeah
Let us out of the car
Why, Why you wanna stop now?
That Dude was looking at Crishawna wrong
We Don't need to stop Chris, we can keep going
I Don't Believe it, do my ears deceive me?
STOP THE CAR BITCH
Hey there fella I see ya walking along there it seems that we just passed you on the other side of the road.
How ya doing? Can I get ya A Smoke? My Names the Dog, They Call Me SutDog.
Yeah, there ya go, I quit smokin myself but maybe it will help you out
See this is my boy Dikkie, and I don't know if your from these parts bitch but let me tell ya something
Its about to get a little bit sticky. Cause you looked at his girl wrong, Throwin up your signs
Wanna throw those evil looks, ya Fuckin KKK spineless bitch ya
Hows it feel to have two men, Fuckin Whoresmen Ride
Going tear your arms out baby, and stick em in your fucking eyes
Dont Worry It'll be the finger side first, that way it hurts really good
But if you wanna fuck with me baby, better be nice and good ha ha
Cause you don't want to Ride, You don't want to decide, you have no decision in this life
I look at Dikkies Eyes
And All I know, is that,
When It all it all goes down, he's gonna look again
And Throw thumbs up or down
Only thumbs we throw in this place Any other life such disgrace
to throw that thumb down low so better let ya know right now
Its Gonna be thumbs up tucked behind the 4 fingers about to ride your whore
See this aint ancient Rome its mother fuckin every place that we call home
It aint got a little C or a B or a Letter T Aint no mother fucking town in this whole family
We all over every mother fuckin thing if you see the two of us better fucking hear the Click Clang
Now when you see it go down throw that Thumb in the air Mother Fucker wanna Clown now?
What still wanna Laugh? Thumbs up doesn't mean your gonna live you dumb ass what?
Thumbs up Means I'm Gonna Kill you and every mother fuckin one of your fuckin crew
They Wanna Stick around and get the fuck shot up
Little Dik has got the Fuckin Truck and hes loading up the dead bodies
We're going to put em down at your mommies
And Let em Lay there and rot and Die
Mother Fucker take a look in my Mother Fucking Eyes
Does it look like I'm Playin with you? I got some Bi-polar, Agoraphobic too
Little bit of Paranoid schizophrenic all the other ones the Fuckin medic wanna to disprove
Try to tell me I aint Screwed
I Don't give a Fuck Pop the pills and the Juice And
I'm Certifiably mother fuckin insane
Talk to Dik and Ask him how some brains look
hangin out the back of a mother fuckers head cause he wanna run away
but still he got his Brains Shed.
At The hospital we didn't know, if hes gonna live
Mother Fucker you Kid Better Hope that ya don't cause if ya get the steel plate
in the back of your head it means I'm gonna haft ta Navigate around another block
Get us Clear shot in the mother fuckin Glock for face shot I'm Barely fucking roll
Mother Fuckers we want to let ya Know
So Now this was a Sutdog Freestyle
And I'm geting a little bit sick all the while
My stomach turning inside out ya see because I don't give a fuck if you aint my homie.
Ha Ha You want to Fucking Laugh At Me?
Ha Ha I'd go ahead and Fuckin see
Ha Ha I'll fucking laugh along with you
Ha Ha I wont ever fuckin miss you
Zupped Up

There was once A little boy who used to laugh a lot growing up playing with his GI Joes,
He would sit out back in the yard, He would laugh and Laugh
But then something happened I Don't Know it seemes
Later on in life he moved up Maybe now were looking at 8 years old or so
Maybe were looking at life?
You know It all Depends on where your at where you want to be down where ya got sat
Its the Diffrence if your gonna laugh at me or if you wanna laugh at my family
See if we are straight Ima Let you Know That I'm goinna tell ya by your little toes
That I'm 4 Whoresmen Legit I don't quit so if you wanna laugh at me then bitch laugh at this
Laugh at this
You Wanna Laugh?
Laugh at this
Laugh at this
Laugh at this
Laugh at this
So When I look outside my room I see the world
But Fuck the Reason
Cause its got to be out there
But instead I'm callin treason
Cause I don't know what to do
You Won't decide so Fuck it whatever
If you want me Here I am
Ha, Guess I can't sing Forever
I Tried to Hold you, But you Just, you Just Turned away,
And I tried to tell you love but nothin more to say
You Shouldn't have laughed so Loudly
That I had to Cut your skin
I Gave you all the signs
But you said you were through with me again
so as you lie here waiting
Waiting to see the fade
Shoulda Known Bitch Don't Fuck With Me
Its a Little bit too late now see.
You Can't keep us sitting hereto expect me to come up with some way of life for you
See I already Cut your wrists and your Neck, Nothin much you can do
Free style guitar playing
Its a way of life
When you mix the 4 Whoresmen together Make it Twice
So if you want to Cry
Will you wipe away my tears
If I'm going to die well
Lord, Lord, take away my fears
I'm drownin in sorrow but
I just want to say
How will I Laugh tomorrow
When I can't fucking Smile Today.

How I Feel

Bipolar Disorder and Depression Symptoms

The dramatic mood swings of bipolar disorder do not follow a set pattern. Depression does not always follow mania. A person may experience the same mood state several times -- for weeks, months, even years at a time before experiencing a change in mood. Also, the severity of mood phases can differ from person to person.

The periods of depression can be equally intense. Sadness and anxiety affect every aspect of life -- thoughts, feelings, sleeping, eating, physical health, relationships, ability to function at work. If depression is not treated, it only grows worse. There may seem to be no way out of this overwhelming mood.

These depressed feelings have been described this way:

Depression: I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless... . [I am] haunt[ed] ... with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all. Others say, "It's only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but, of course, they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can't feel, move, think, or care, then what on earth is the point?

An episode of depression involves five or more of these symptoms most of the day -- nearly every day -- for two weeks or longer:

Symptoms of depression:

• Sadness, anxiety, irritability ----Yes
• Loss of energy ----Yes
• Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness ----Yes
• Loss of interest or enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable ----Yes
• Difficulty concentrating ----Yes
• Uncontrollable crying
• Difficulty making decisions ----Yes
• Increased need for sleep
• Insomnia ----Yes
• Change in appetite causing weight loss or gain ----Yes
• Thoughts of death or suicide ----Yes
• Attempting suicide

When a person with psychosis is depressed, there may be delusions of guilt or worthlessness -- perhaps there is an inaccurate belief of being ruined and penniless, or having committed a terrible crime.

If untreated, episodes of depression tend to come closer together and are harder to treat. They may switch into mania. But treatment can prevent this from happening. With medication and therapy, its possible to live normally -- to have a happy, productive life.