Bi Polar and science. My Psyc.

How can he even think he know what I'm going through. Is he bipolar? depressed? panic's? does it run in his family? Has he died? Out of body experiences? What happens to the "sensitive" ones what about people that close to the psychic abilities, to the spiritual world? How about LSD? I know how terrible it is now, but how bout taking it to have religious experiences? OBE's the crazyness I speak, is this his diagnosis? I've died, I've came back, I've travelled the spiritual plane. I'f touched bot sides. The scarry world of a trip to that state, no control, yes the drugs caused it, it was totally induced theese ramblings. The trails in the light, almost jumping froma 3 story window because It looked low.

Oh, Mother is playing. A GREAT Version on the movie.

All those experienced, drug induced, all the things I was running from. The emotions, the fears, the problems, the nightmares, the memories. The Gateway to meditation, spiritually to the other side. to gain knowledge and wisdom of my problems,
why I can't remember my childhood

But a day,
I was in my underware, and a white t shirt in our dining room, when my dad picked me up. he had work clothes and booats on. he had a thermas or lucnhboxs and lifted me with his right arm. He kissed me and went off to work. The next memorie ismy dad is hurt and in the hospital. I didn't get too see him much. hhE SPENT ALOT OF TIME IN THE HOSPITAL, AND ALOT OF TIME ON PAIN PILLS. wE HAD A HOSPITAL BED in our living room. My dayd would always do things with me in my next memories, like play football. And let me hand him tools. My mom, I have my first memories of her yelling at me, Its terrible, and the next is a truck, like a half a cemi, or dumppturck. At a T in the roat that everyone knows. a well know place. and thaats it, till later in school. lIke some of 1st grade, my teacher, some secong grad memories, really none start till 3rd and 4th, the n 5th on I'm pretty good. Let me say, the drugs never caused that. That has bbeen my whole life.

So I wanted to meditate to find the blockage in my memories.
Acid the first time I took it was with friends, we had fun, but I remember the pronound religious effect. and after that I only did it alone. but anyways, it would give me the "medatve" state. I wonder if he knows what I'm talking about. The "3rd" eye. Spiritual in tune. He diagnoses me, he should know. so the trips turned bad one day, and I felt the other side of the awesome reigios experience. I saw the other side, with no control because of the drugss. I had a friend talk to me all night so I could focus to stay alive. I had to think about breating. she talked and my breaths grew shallow, and they quit, I was watching her talk to me from the top corner above the bath tube. I watched for awhile, Total OBE for long periods, in and out of conciousness, in and out of death. the fear of death pulled the panic, I was on the bart part of town if you will. All who have ever plaed with a weegee board, or a seonce, its the same, its all great and happy hippyish, all up to the touch of the evil side. The anger, fear, pain, explosions of soul, not being able to move, disolving and sinking. can He relate to that when he diagnses me? see the drugs fucked me up. I was already touched with a real ingrained ability to have psycic phenomina happen. My faily is full os psychichally gifted peope, from mothers, to grand children. so close to all that psychic energy, to absorb everything around you? Is this the drugs effect on me? do other peopl have thhis felling of spirituall close to the other side? I'm jumping around,maybe "manic" Hes been manic. Im sure they do that it med school. How about the fact that I still have flashbac trips still today from 12 years ago. the fact that everyone is death. the Bad trip, the one I HATE AND CANT CONTROL. is it worth it to fuck up your mind? Is that what I did? or did I fuck up my spirit and now my brain tries to keep the spiritual world bombardment, both good and bad at bay. IS THAT WHY i HAVE PANIC ATTACKS? aM I bIPOLAR BECAUSE mY SIRT IS DETATCED, BECAUSE i TOCHED EVIL, i TOUCHED ANGELS, AND DEAMONS. NOW THEY FIGHT FOR MY SOUL. Litrerally, not in bible verse. I particibate every day. Is that my diagnisis? is that Bipolar? what exactly does he know about the mhow to fix those problems. What I know is what is real to me. I'm not crqazy, I'm a professional, A poet, a Genious as tested, medicines? what has he taken to see if Im bipolar, or sensitivt to spiritual bombardment, or if my bran is altered. How does he know I'm not as smart as he is? My job pays the same. Except I also own another company, and starting another. I'm not the crachead I'm fucked up mind fuck guy down the street. I research. Ii went to college, I still study
I read edicational books for knowledge. Am I mental? am I not? am I normal>? Changing to Darkside of the moon in headpones. Maximize the flashback. a story untold. Who is so complicated. to feel so much in your head
to hear music on a diffrent level. to feel it OMG< total body phase full goosebumps from the lead in from Breeth. An amazing journey. I wonder has he taken this trip. My bipolar, panic,depression everthing was unlocked and probably enhanced or altered by the lsd. but still. that doesen't matter. I want fixed, It doesent matter to any of the other 1000's of patients or clical studies. I m not them. I am me, my experiences,
my emotions,
my spirit
you dont put that in a text book. I do have to give it to them, the pills work, really? or are they just bringing my mind to a halt. so I'M NOT THINKING CLEARLY. musical notes and mathmatics, the fabric of our universe, without the art we fail, withou the knowledge we fail. any intertwined system. do some people read one side but not the other, are some both? are some really far to one side. My mental state may be better casue I can reach that side. If I can control the flashbacjs I fix the panic. If I wern't me I could fix the worthlessness. so I deal, live life a loaner, away and in my own road withe the music to feed me with notes to float around in the layers of sanity, spiritual worlds, not heaven, but hat mid high ground. noth the bad mid low side. As long as you can hold back the demons. Diagnose me. Tell me from that book of treatments. no one is the same, evy one is unique. treat people like cases, If Im a store employee Ill treat you that way when you come to the store. I pay you. I am the patient. I call the shots or I leave. I have control, But I need hlp. I dont wa nt to leave. I want you to understand me as a person. not as a case. thats not what I am. I went years without getting help. to now in the last year 30 some odd years latter I TRY TO GET HELP. Yo need to realize that. its not all fun and games. Life is up and down, and too quick, it all ends, shouldn't it end happy? shouldnt we all be fixed and put in that perfect life we deserve? Is that heaven? do we all get to go there? voices, are they real, are they my thoughts, are the spiritual? Well I know there not real. they are formed in my head, but by thought? or spiritual insight? tell me that doctor. Wee for tonight I must not right anymore, the bad parts are comming notits time to med out, stop the panic. will write more.