Whats up... I just wanted to write this to you to come clean about evertything that has been going on lately... Fist off, let me tell you the reason I never told you any of this is because I am a pretty shy person. I guess the reason is from having my heart broke once, and the fact that I get real strong psychic influences....... Some people may say it's a gift, but Sometimes I think it is more of a nightmare... An example is , When I meet someone for the first time, before they even say a word, I can tell what kind of person they are, and if I will like them or not.... Sounds cool, but It isn't, because that also means everytime I have ever fell in love, I mean tru love, (which is two times now) It has been at first sight. I can see the whole relationship, and see how it could be, And the potential that it has. The down side is that I don't know how to put those feelings into words.... It is so hard for me to make anykind of first moves, or anything like that. Soo... it ends up, that I can't tell you how I feel, The only way to tell you is to show you, but unfortunatley, its hard to just say, hey, let me show you how much I love you... It Just doesn't work that way.......
We have talked about steph, and yes I loved her and still love her with all my heart, but .. The potential I saw with you totally overrode anything we ever had..... But, Tonight, I see I don't got a chance, and thats cool... I mean, I know it's my fault, It always is, But the look in your eyes when you were with that dude, just made me accept that the feelings I was having were true. I wanted to see that look for me, but, I guess no matter what I do, It's not going to happen...
Jenny told me that the only reason you came out was to see him too.. so That was just the icing on the cake... I'm sorry, for thinking I had a chance... It's the astrology charts that thow me every time........ It looked so good I thought it couldn't go wrong... I guess this just proves that nothing is for sure..... I'm going to send a copy of the chart so you can see what I was going by....
It kinda sucks Michelle, because every emotion I have comes from feeling, not thought... I'm just sorry, I mistook the feelings... I won't lie.. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you..... I saw my live with you planned out to the end...... I hate the whole venus in pisces in the 5th house thing I got going on in my chart, because it stands for self sacrifice in relationships......... Which is getting old...
I know you will love me one day... Every girl I know always does just because I can understand them and relate toi what they are going through..... I just wanted you to be diffrent... I didn't want you to fall into that "best Friend love" I wanted to really get into you.... But.. Since It won't happen that way, I just want you to know I am still here for you, and I'll still be your best friend.......
I Don't have a very high self confidence level when it comes to girls, And tonight I saw I was just kidding myself feeling comfortable with you....... I know In my heart, I could be the best thing in the world for you, but in my head, I know, I don't got a chance......
It's been 4 years since my heart was broken.. and I do need to thank you for showing me, (even though you didn';t know).. That it could be so much better.... You brought me out of the heart ach....,, I wish sometimes I wasn't so damn sensitive, but I know I can't change it so I just got to deal with it........
I want you to know exactly how I felt though, just so you don't accept any less... I will be happy for you if you are happy, as long as you are being treated like you deserve.... Like candlelight dinners for 2, And 3 when jacobs up.... Bubblebaths, holding you so close at night just to feel you breath.. rubbing fingers through your hair, untill you go to sleep.... kissing you from head to toe...... flowers for no reason..... and sex with the only purpose of making you realize how much you are loved and how you can touch a persons soul......
Anyways though.. I'm drunk, and this is getting long, so please just do me the favor of reading the chart I send you just so you can read it and tell me what I did wrong.. I live by the charts and I just need to know if they are bullshit or not....,, I can't base my live around something I believe to be so true, if it's all a bunch of crap......
I won't be comming to raoadhouse that much anymore just because I know when I'm not drunk tomarrow, and I realize I sent this I will wish I never,.... And I also don't want you to be uncomfortable at all....... I saw the look. and it was for the dude you were with.. It seems like he is who you want, and who you need to get your spirits up again..., so I will just step out of the picture and not bug you any more..... I will still be your friend though, and you got my number if you ever need anything........
I Love You Michelle... and I know you you will say, how can I say I love you when we hardley even know each other, But. Trust me I know you.... I know everything about you.. I can read you like you wouldn't believe.... That is how I Know That I Can say I love you.....
And Ireally think you can do the same with me..... That's why I said I love how you can read me the other day..... Your the first person in my life that I ever thought could tell what I was feeling..........
Good Night Sweetie... And please, Don't feel weird about this mail... It isn't meant to make it weird, and it isn't to make you feel bad or anything like taht... I just needed to get it off my chest, and to be honest.. your the only person I trust to say it to.....
Thursday, August 3, 2000
Monday, July 10, 2000
Journal Entry
Ok, Well, I’m writing this e-mail because I Kinda feel bad for being kinda distant to you the last few days… So I figured I would write to at least let you know, if nothing else cause I do love you, And I don’t want to be like that….. So, Hummm… where to start… well I guess by telling you that this will be the first time I have ever written this, or talked to ANYONE about this… And I mean anyone…. This is the Root of my psychological problems, which I choose to hide and ignore… Only, I bury it so deep that it has eaten me away from the inside out… This is My WALLS.. My walls that have grown so big that I have locked myself away from family, friends, general people, and happiness… This is my depressed side…. The side Of me that sits alone for days paronid and schizophrenic, smoking Bud to try to feel normal again… Locking myself away from all contact… Tripping in my head… just thinking, and being pessimistic…. Alone, not wanting to be saw, or touched, or spoken too…. All the bullshit about my family, lost loves in the past, psychic influences I Get, drugs, everything….. Yeah they all affected me, but not like this has, This is What I use those excuses to cover up, just so I don’t have to talk about it……. This is when I block out reality, and live in an emotional, and psychological hell….. This Is when nothing matters, not even life.
Well, Ok… That is just a background, but I couldn’t even begin to explain the effect it has had on me….. The paranoia to the point of not even trusting myself… Or thinking everysingle person is talking about me….. and laughing…… So yeah…
when you ask why I look away…. Because I can’t look people in the eyes, I am not worthy…. I think I am meant to be alone, alone locked away from everyone just so I can protect myself from being hurt… I guess part of the problem too is that I way hypersensitive…. And can take things meant as a joke to heart, and even though I may laugh and kid about it to the outside world.. inside it is tearing me apart sometimes for months.. I can’t seem to let anything go and It all just piles on top of each other…….. Like God is trying to humble me or something… Well he succeded… To the point where I don’t think I’m good at anything… To the point where I sit behind closed doors locked away and become so depressed all I can do is cry…. I hate to think about this….. Everytime I do it takes days, sometimes weeks before I am normal again… and no one can change it… I’m sorry but not even you….. So yeah…. Anything to do with teeth makes me fuul fledged trip….. which I really can’t expect you to understand since you never have triped.. but no matter what anyone tells you it’s like, It’s only like 1 thing Scitzophrenia.. I can be drawn into this world with the slightest thing…. Smoking bud helps quiet the voices and bring me out of it… So, yeah, I’m sorry I broke our promise, I smoked some bud.. I understand if you hate me, or think you have to cut yourself just to spite me… It’s my fault…. It always is as with everything else in my life….. I just wish I could live on an island alone away from everyone so I don’t have to cause anyone pain or grief….. it’s
been my life story…… After all this I really don’t think I could quit smoking…. It’s the only thing that works.. I tried prozac, and paxil and Zoloft… all the meds for that type of shit and they make me worse….. I don’t smoke bud for enjoyment which is why it iss hard… If it was like drinking, then that would be no problem… but bud is my way out… out of the inside world…. Not like I got to smoke it everyday or anything I went for a long while without it…. But times like this it becomes my meds…. I know It sounds like excuses to smoke bud, but I’m being honest and not hiding anything… Besides I wouldn’t even use excuses this far into the letter.. I would just tell you straight up….. I’m sure you already hate me by now……. I guess I don’t know what to say from here…. It isn’t anything I ever want to talk about….. I guess I just want to leave it at this, and bury everything Again.. I just thought if I was ever going to tell anyone… It should be you….. Heather I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way….. It was just like My little bubble of protection by you was burst, and I kinda sunk into reality for a sec, and back to this point, which I haven’t been In since I met you…. I do Love you honey…. I hope we can still be together, But I will understand if you never write back, or call again…. I will just accept it as another thing to beat me to humility…
Well, Ok… That is just a background, but I couldn’t even begin to explain the effect it has had on me….. The paranoia to the point of not even trusting myself… Or thinking everysingle person is talking about me….. and laughing…… So yeah…
when you ask why I look away…. Because I can’t look people in the eyes, I am not worthy…. I think I am meant to be alone, alone locked away from everyone just so I can protect myself from being hurt… I guess part of the problem too is that I way hypersensitive…. And can take things meant as a joke to heart, and even though I may laugh and kid about it to the outside world.. inside it is tearing me apart sometimes for months.. I can’t seem to let anything go and It all just piles on top of each other…….. Like God is trying to humble me or something… Well he succeded… To the point where I don’t think I’m good at anything… To the point where I sit behind closed doors locked away and become so depressed all I can do is cry…. I hate to think about this….. Everytime I do it takes days, sometimes weeks before I am normal again… and no one can change it… I’m sorry but not even you….. So yeah…. Anything to do with teeth makes me fuul fledged trip….. which I really can’t expect you to understand since you never have triped.. but no matter what anyone tells you it’s like, It’s only like 1 thing Scitzophrenia.. I can be drawn into this world with the slightest thing…. Smoking bud helps quiet the voices and bring me out of it… So, yeah, I’m sorry I broke our promise, I smoked some bud.. I understand if you hate me, or think you have to cut yourself just to spite me… It’s my fault…. It always is as with everything else in my life….. I just wish I could live on an island alone away from everyone so I don’t have to cause anyone pain or grief….. it’s
been my life story…… After all this I really don’t think I could quit smoking…. It’s the only thing that works.. I tried prozac, and paxil and Zoloft… all the meds for that type of shit and they make me worse….. I don’t smoke bud for enjoyment which is why it iss hard… If it was like drinking, then that would be no problem… but bud is my way out… out of the inside world…. Not like I got to smoke it everyday or anything I went for a long while without it…. But times like this it becomes my meds…. I know It sounds like excuses to smoke bud, but I’m being honest and not hiding anything… Besides I wouldn’t even use excuses this far into the letter.. I would just tell you straight up….. I’m sure you already hate me by now……. I guess I don’t know what to say from here…. It isn’t anything I ever want to talk about….. I guess I just want to leave it at this, and bury everything Again.. I just thought if I was ever going to tell anyone… It should be you….. Heather I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way….. It was just like My little bubble of protection by you was burst, and I kinda sunk into reality for a sec, and back to this point, which I haven’t been In since I met you…. I do Love you honey…. I hope we can still be together, But I will understand if you never write back, or call again…. I will just accept it as another thing to beat me to humility…
Saturday, June 3, 2000
Journal Entry
Well, here is the first test…. I’m listenin to eminem – Stan….. Thinking about heather….. Wow….. Ok, Here is jimmy trippin…. I haven’t wrote for awhile, But That’s because I’ve been happy…. So, Well,… Himm.. Where to start…. Well, I guess with heather telling me I haven’t seen her mood swings….. I kinda think, she thinks about that a lot, because she thinks, if I see her having mood swings, I won’t like her anymore, Or I’ll think she’s all fucked up…… I really think she thinks this is a dream world she’s living in, and . One day it will end…. But that has to be my fault…. I’m fucked up because I rushed shit to quick…. Like I kinda just sweep her along with words, and she fell for the words, not the feeling…. Not saying she doesn’t love me or anything like that, cause Our relationship is awesome.,, But, I can always Just feel people, and I don’t know if anyone else does it as strong, so I don’t know If anyone can relate to how I feel things….. And With heather, it only took one site, and I felt the whole relationship, everything good and everything bad. I Clicked with her the first time I saw her, And then like 15 minutes later, I’m kissing her in E’s Green troom….And from there to talking to her on the phone, and her coming back to Cinco Demayo, And Us Chillin all night, and going to breafast in the morning,And Then talking with her for hours That feel like minutes…. I can talk to her about everything, And she relates, We click so well, I knew from the feeling again I wanted to be with her forever…. Where I think I fucked up was, I could tell everything about her, I could relate to everything she was about, And I knew that from getting that Feeling when I saw her The first time, And I don’t know if she did the same, or if it all just sounds good in words…. I really think she felt it, but Here in My first “Mood Swing” since we been together….., So I have to question everything….. My problem: Mass depression swings…. Humm… Well even though being able to “Feel people like that” sounds cool, and even as though I may be happy I can do it, But, with that is all the bad along with the good….. It’s not like I can do it selectively or anything, so I am constantly feeling everyone I come in contact with, And there are way more bad ones than good, That’s why I have few friends I guess…. So I can feel everyones depression, paranoia, anger, hate, violence, Lies, and sadness also…. So I guess my whole point is, my depression swings come about pretty easily…. I just kinda hibernate by myself, away from everyone, and bring myself down to the very bottom and then return….. It makes the feeling I get from people stronger everythime…. These are my periods of seclusion….. So I guess this one was brought on by Heather going out with matt to the movies…… I told her to go so she could get out of the house, But I knew I would swing like this… Maybe that’s why I wanted her to go….. So I could give up my biggest secret to her, give her my Total trust, Just to see if My feelings for her were right from the beginning.. because I really think she will feel me, But I still have the question “What if she doesn’t” In the back of my head….. My fear of her being able to use it against me, or think I’m totally fucked up and never want to talk to me again….. But I Fell for her hard, and I need to be sure, And actions are better than words. So I guess this is my test to see if I’m the one living in a dream world…. I hope it doesn’t sound selfish, but I know if I Know it is for real, I’m capable of the most selfless love, My problem with always putting girls up on a pedastool before which led me to not being able to trust girls because I always got walked on then hurt. But I need to know, So now I guess I let down the wall I built up to keep everyone out, and see if heather wishes to join me….. Or hurt Me. I’ve managed to keep everyone out my entire life, My parents, teachers, friends,… But If Me and heather are getting married, I need to Know for sure, I don’t want to hide anything from her, I want her to know me completely, exactly as I am, and not How I portray myself to everyone.
So yeah, I got hurt when she said she was going out with matt, then again when she said he is asking her out again, then again when she felt bad for him upstairs so she got off the phone with me…. See I know It shouldn’t bother me, because I really believe her that there is nothing between them, But I still have the question because she’s allowed to see him, Her parents like him, she was with him for 8 months, everyone said she loved him a lot, and then ther is me, who she can’t see, parents don’t like, and have only known for a little while. She knows his story, she told me that. This is my problem.. I get hurt way to easy, and I trip in my head on the smallest of things…. I don’t want to get heather all into me, then one day trip like this and then her hate me…. And wish she stayed with matt… I don’t want to do that to her, so I Have to say all this now. I’m not proud of my past at all…… I’m not proud that I can relate most to rap music, It just says everything I feel, and have been through… The person that wishes to know me can tell by what I listen too…. Every song for a different feeling, from a different time in my life….. Right now, I’m listening to Cradel to the grave From Thug Life….. Along with my depression, builds my hate, everything I hold inside, all comes together at once, all the shit, I’ve been through comes to gether, And just builds, the anger inside is what I hate.. I can release it By writing, or listening to music, so through rap comes my hate, all in a song.. this song has a real deep meaning… The verse is just so on,
“April 10th the rainy day My momma gave birth
To A Baby boy trapped in hell on earth
From day 1 it wasn’t fun I never had a crumb
Daddy worked two jobs and momma won’t stop drinking rum
I tried to cope loc But My Family’s broke
And My Pockets short so Now I got to slang dope
In A Game filled with pain it’s a fuckin shame
The white man got a mother fucker slangin cain
So now it’s on from dusk till dawn
I’m getting my serve on Alwys in my spot with my rocks
Slangin rock after rock, the shit don’t stop I’m steady doging cops
I never flip flop In my drop top thug till I drop
And If I hit the pen I gotta do my time
Sitting On My Bunk reminice about the good times
It’s fucked Up A G Has Got to come up doing dirt
But from the cradle to the grave I’m gonna put in work”
The root of my Mistrust of everyone……Trust for only myself….. But I’m so lonely trusting only me, no one to talk to, so I click with heather, and decide to let her in…
Now Rome – I belong to you is on….. awhhhh.. I miss heather so much……
“Every time I See your face It makes me want to sing, and Everytime I Think about your love it drives me Crazy…”
“Hey My Lady, Tell me whats wrong with your boyfriend
Ahhh.. come on. He holds the key, to your heart
But he don’t love ya baby, baby, like I do I only want to be with you
Girl you are the love of my life , baby
I can give it to you baby
You belong to me and only me baby,
I belong to you, I Belong, I give all my love to you
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy.”
That is an awesome song, I listened to it like 30 times one night sitting here looking at her picture….
I need her…. I don’t know if she knows that… But I need her because she is the only person I ever felt this comfortable with… She is My Lover, My Best Friend, My Fieance. My World…… I just want to be with her, No mater what else happens, as long as I can be with her…. She has Already helped me so much without even knowing it……
I had a pretty bad dream last night that my grandfather died, but then it turned into my dad…. It was pretty vivid, but I forgot most of it, because I refused to write it earlier, because It fucked me up… And I didn’t want to remember it…..
I need someone I can cuddle up with, someone that can protect my emotions, even though that sounds stupid, and I can be hard as fuck on the outside wanting to fight whoever, But Inside, I can be so hurt with just the wrong choice of wo0rds…. I think heather can help me out of it though, Not because she will never say the wrong words sometimes, but because she is the only person I trust, so I know they weren’t meant the way I interpreted them….
I’m trying to change from my past.. I want to be able to trust people, I don’t qwant to hold everything in until I explode and Go crazy… And heather helps me release my inhibitions…. Because she’s not just walking on me, she actually cares for how I’m feelin and what I’m doing…
It just sux cause shes out with mattr right now, when she should be with me….. I’m sure she would feel the same though if I said I was going out with my X, And Then called her from her house and said she has been trying to get me back…. So I know she has to relate to whaty I’m saying, But, I also know If it were the other way around, I would be telling her there is nothing to worry about, so I also got to Relate to her right now…
Heather has brought me closer to god, so, I’m going to quit writing, and go with it, and accept whatever happens as god’s will…… If we really are meant to be together, this will all work out……. Either I’m meant to finally have happiness, or I’m still destined to be hurt.
So yeah, I got hurt when she said she was going out with matt, then again when she said he is asking her out again, then again when she felt bad for him upstairs so she got off the phone with me…. See I know It shouldn’t bother me, because I really believe her that there is nothing between them, But I still have the question because she’s allowed to see him, Her parents like him, she was with him for 8 months, everyone said she loved him a lot, and then ther is me, who she can’t see, parents don’t like, and have only known for a little while. She knows his story, she told me that. This is my problem.. I get hurt way to easy, and I trip in my head on the smallest of things…. I don’t want to get heather all into me, then one day trip like this and then her hate me…. And wish she stayed with matt… I don’t want to do that to her, so I Have to say all this now. I’m not proud of my past at all…… I’m not proud that I can relate most to rap music, It just says everything I feel, and have been through… The person that wishes to know me can tell by what I listen too…. Every song for a different feeling, from a different time in my life….. Right now, I’m listening to Cradel to the grave From Thug Life….. Along with my depression, builds my hate, everything I hold inside, all comes together at once, all the shit, I’ve been through comes to gether, And just builds, the anger inside is what I hate.. I can release it By writing, or listening to music, so through rap comes my hate, all in a song.. this song has a real deep meaning… The verse is just so on,
“April 10th the rainy day My momma gave birth
To A Baby boy trapped in hell on earth
From day 1 it wasn’t fun I never had a crumb
Daddy worked two jobs and momma won’t stop drinking rum
I tried to cope loc But My Family’s broke
And My Pockets short so Now I got to slang dope
In A Game filled with pain it’s a fuckin shame
The white man got a mother fucker slangin cain
So now it’s on from dusk till dawn
I’m getting my serve on Alwys in my spot with my rocks
Slangin rock after rock, the shit don’t stop I’m steady doging cops
I never flip flop In my drop top thug till I drop
And If I hit the pen I gotta do my time
Sitting On My Bunk reminice about the good times
It’s fucked Up A G Has Got to come up doing dirt
But from the cradle to the grave I’m gonna put in work”
The root of my Mistrust of everyone……Trust for only myself….. But I’m so lonely trusting only me, no one to talk to, so I click with heather, and decide to let her in…
Now Rome – I belong to you is on….. awhhhh.. I miss heather so much……
“Every time I See your face It makes me want to sing, and Everytime I Think about your love it drives me Crazy…”
“Hey My Lady, Tell me whats wrong with your boyfriend
Ahhh.. come on. He holds the key, to your heart
But he don’t love ya baby, baby, like I do I only want to be with you
Girl you are the love of my life , baby
I can give it to you baby
You belong to me and only me baby,
I belong to you, I Belong, I give all my love to you
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy
Everytime I see your face It makes me want to sing
And everytime I think about your love it drives me crazy.”
That is an awesome song, I listened to it like 30 times one night sitting here looking at her picture….
I need her…. I don’t know if she knows that… But I need her because she is the only person I ever felt this comfortable with… She is My Lover, My Best Friend, My Fieance. My World…… I just want to be with her, No mater what else happens, as long as I can be with her…. She has Already helped me so much without even knowing it……
I had a pretty bad dream last night that my grandfather died, but then it turned into my dad…. It was pretty vivid, but I forgot most of it, because I refused to write it earlier, because It fucked me up… And I didn’t want to remember it…..
I need someone I can cuddle up with, someone that can protect my emotions, even though that sounds stupid, and I can be hard as fuck on the outside wanting to fight whoever, But Inside, I can be so hurt with just the wrong choice of wo0rds…. I think heather can help me out of it though, Not because she will never say the wrong words sometimes, but because she is the only person I trust, so I know they weren’t meant the way I interpreted them….
I’m trying to change from my past.. I want to be able to trust people, I don’t qwant to hold everything in until I explode and Go crazy… And heather helps me release my inhibitions…. Because she’s not just walking on me, she actually cares for how I’m feelin and what I’m doing…
It just sux cause shes out with mattr right now, when she should be with me….. I’m sure she would feel the same though if I said I was going out with my X, And Then called her from her house and said she has been trying to get me back…. So I know she has to relate to whaty I’m saying, But, I also know If it were the other way around, I would be telling her there is nothing to worry about, so I also got to Relate to her right now…
Heather has brought me closer to god, so, I’m going to quit writing, and go with it, and accept whatever happens as god’s will…… If we really are meant to be together, this will all work out……. Either I’m meant to finally have happiness, or I’m still destined to be hurt.
Wednesday, December 3, 1997
Journal Entry
It doesn’t seem much like Christmas this year. My Dad is paralyzed from the waist down, and he doesn’t look very good. I just got arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and A girl that got hit is pressing assault charges. Me Krouse and Jay spent about six hours in Yorkville jail, went to court the next day, and me and Krouse went to county. I bonded out but Now I’m not allowed To leave the county until after the trial. Terri called me to talk about my dad, she was trying to be all nice about shit but I don’t want her sympathy, compassion or advice. She is a total bitch to me any other time, and she tries to rub it in that she’s with mike now. She needs to just leave me alone and do her thing, I guess she is better off not being with me.
This will be my third Christmas in a row alone. It sucks and It really makes me Think about Stephanie a lot. I love that girl but I’m not sure if we can ever be together again, even If I do move to Columbus. We’ve been apart for a long time and she went on with her life, I just wish I could get on with mine. I don’t think I’ll ever understand girls, especially the ones around here. I need a girl that is going to straighten my shit up. Right now I don’t give a fuck about Anything so I keep Getting deeper in the game, And In More Trouble.
This will be my third Christmas in a row alone. It sucks and It really makes me Think about Stephanie a lot. I love that girl but I’m not sure if we can ever be together again, even If I do move to Columbus. We’ve been apart for a long time and she went on with her life, I just wish I could get on with mine. I don’t think I’ll ever understand girls, especially the ones around here. I need a girl that is going to straighten my shit up. Right now I don’t give a fuck about Anything so I keep Getting deeper in the game, And In More Trouble.
Thursday, October 16, 1997
Journal Entry
10-16-97
I Talked to Steph on Tuesday. I love that girl so much it is truly driving me insane being without her. It’s been almost exactly two years since I got to hold her, but it seems like it was only yesterday I was wiping tears from her eyes because she had to move in with her dad.
Ok So Here it is… I talked to gena today……. She was like Stephanie told me to call.. She really wants to see you and talk to you again… And that she thought it would be so cool if we got back together… It’s kinda funny, cause I have been thinking about her more lately since her birthday is tomorrow… She turns 20… It seems like it has been so long… So much stuff has happened in that time frame… I sit and think a lot about how I should have just said ok when Steph wanted to run away the night before she left… Maybe it would have all been different.. I Really went crazy without her… It’s hard to try to explain it to anyone because I don’t think they can comprehend what I am talking about, or what I fell and felt for those years, and still to this day. So yeah, gena said all that after telling me last time she was here that steph Didn’t want to ever see me and she didn’t want to talk to me at all.. That really hurt me inside.. just the thoughrt that she didn’t even fell like she could talk to me… All I ever wanted ever was for her to be happy, and to be her friend.. to be honest I gave up on the getting back together thing like 2 years ago… Not that I still haven’t thought about her everyday, it’s just I Really couldn’t make myself believe it anymore… I didn’t even think I would ever even see her again.. And so I tried to get on with things…… Started Dating Someone And now, With steph being so close to the picture.. All I want to do is be there for her… As her friend and someone she can depend on… You know, I don’t even think about dating her.. I guess one thing I have learned and am still learning from my relationship with her is Fate. Whatever Happens, Happens.
Ok, Well.. It’s been a week or so…… Hummm.. I talked to Steph yesterday for hours, which seemed like minutes… It’s hard to believe We can still just talk like that. She called me like 3 times… She was washing clothes at her dads. Then today she came over and stayed for a couple of hours and we talked about a lot of shit. Like her Mom, Joey, The Babies, And about us.. I don’t know what it is about that girl, But I just melt when I’m around her.. I did the Day I met her, and I still do to this day, even after everything that has happened.. I love the Girl, I can’t really come right out and tell her that, we I mean I do say I still love you and shit like that, but its not with all the feelings I have that I say it. I Feel things so much, music, art, smells, Thoughts, dreams, everything I perceive comes through in feelings first then the other senses. I Can feel Steph like no one I have ever known before.. I can read her story, Tell when shes happy, sad, I know what she likes, and dislikes. There is just a bond there that I have.. The thing is, I know she has it too… Even if we are only friends for ever and we never dated again, I would Be there for her over anything and anyone… She deserves the best, and maybe it isn’t my place, But I want to try to help her get it anyway she can…. If it means Talking to her when shes having Boyfriend problems, or Marrying her, or anything in between… Some people may read this and Say It is obsession.. I feel this and say it is true love, a karmic connection, And Fate, We are ment to be together for something.. Our Natal, Synastry, and composite charts say it to.. I just Haven’t Figured out how were supposed to be together yet, Just as friends, Or as Lovers again, Or is this just a closure to an earlier experience where we will grow apart again? I guess only God Knows, and Fate Will led the way.
I Talked to Steph on Tuesday. I love that girl so much it is truly driving me insane being without her. It’s been almost exactly two years since I got to hold her, but it seems like it was only yesterday I was wiping tears from her eyes because she had to move in with her dad.
Ok So Here it is… I talked to gena today……. She was like Stephanie told me to call.. She really wants to see you and talk to you again… And that she thought it would be so cool if we got back together… It’s kinda funny, cause I have been thinking about her more lately since her birthday is tomorrow… She turns 20… It seems like it has been so long… So much stuff has happened in that time frame… I sit and think a lot about how I should have just said ok when Steph wanted to run away the night before she left… Maybe it would have all been different.. I Really went crazy without her… It’s hard to try to explain it to anyone because I don’t think they can comprehend what I am talking about, or what I fell and felt for those years, and still to this day. So yeah, gena said all that after telling me last time she was here that steph Didn’t want to ever see me and she didn’t want to talk to me at all.. That really hurt me inside.. just the thoughrt that she didn’t even fell like she could talk to me… All I ever wanted ever was for her to be happy, and to be her friend.. to be honest I gave up on the getting back together thing like 2 years ago… Not that I still haven’t thought about her everyday, it’s just I Really couldn’t make myself believe it anymore… I didn’t even think I would ever even see her again.. And so I tried to get on with things…… Started Dating Someone And now, With steph being so close to the picture.. All I want to do is be there for her… As her friend and someone she can depend on… You know, I don’t even think about dating her.. I guess one thing I have learned and am still learning from my relationship with her is Fate. Whatever Happens, Happens.
Ok, Well.. It’s been a week or so…… Hummm.. I talked to Steph yesterday for hours, which seemed like minutes… It’s hard to believe We can still just talk like that. She called me like 3 times… She was washing clothes at her dads. Then today she came over and stayed for a couple of hours and we talked about a lot of shit. Like her Mom, Joey, The Babies, And about us.. I don’t know what it is about that girl, But I just melt when I’m around her.. I did the Day I met her, and I still do to this day, even after everything that has happened.. I love the Girl, I can’t really come right out and tell her that, we I mean I do say I still love you and shit like that, but its not with all the feelings I have that I say it. I Feel things so much, music, art, smells, Thoughts, dreams, everything I perceive comes through in feelings first then the other senses. I Can feel Steph like no one I have ever known before.. I can read her story, Tell when shes happy, sad, I know what she likes, and dislikes. There is just a bond there that I have.. The thing is, I know she has it too… Even if we are only friends for ever and we never dated again, I would Be there for her over anything and anyone… She deserves the best, and maybe it isn’t my place, But I want to try to help her get it anyway she can…. If it means Talking to her when shes having Boyfriend problems, or Marrying her, or anything in between… Some people may read this and Say It is obsession.. I feel this and say it is true love, a karmic connection, And Fate, We are ment to be together for something.. Our Natal, Synastry, and composite charts say it to.. I just Haven’t Figured out how were supposed to be together yet, Just as friends, Or as Lovers again, Or is this just a closure to an earlier experience where we will grow apart again? I guess only God Knows, and Fate Will led the way.
Journal Entry
10-16-97
I Talked to Steph on Tuesday. I love that girl so much it is truly driving me insane being without her. It’s been almost exactly two years since I got to hold her, but it seems like it was only yesterday I was wiping tears from her eyes because she had to move in with her dad.
Ok So Here it is… I talked to gena today……. She was like Stephanie told me to call.. She really wants to see you and talk to you again… And that she thought it would be so cool if we got back together… It’s kinda funny, cause I have been thinking about her more lately since her birthday is tomorrow… She turns 20… It seems like it has been so long… So much stuff has happened in that time frame… I sit and think a lot about how I should have just said ok when Steph wanted to run away the night before she left… Maybe it would have all been different.. I Really went crazy without her… It’s hard to try to explain it to anyone because I don’t think they can comprehend what I am talking about, or what I fell and felt for those years, and still to this day. So yeah, gena said all that after telling me last time she was here that steph Didn’t want to ever see me and she didn’t want to talk to me at all.. That really hurt me inside.. just the thoughrt that she didn’t even fell like she could talk to me… All I ever wanted ever was for her to be happy, and to be her friend.. to be honest I gave up on the getting back together thing like 2 years ago… Not that I still haven’t thought about her everyday, it’s just I Really couldn’t make myself believe it anymore… I didn’t even think I would ever even see her again.. And so I tried to get on with things…… Started Dating Someone And now, With steph being so close to the picture.. All I want to do is be there for her… As her friend and someone she can depend on… You know, I don’t even think about dating her.. I guess one thing I have learned and am still learning from my relationship with her is Fate. Whatever Happens, Happens.
Ok, Well.. It’s been a week or so…… Hummm.. I talked to Steph yesterday for hours, which seemed like minutes… It’s hard to believe We can still just talk like that. She called me like 3 times… She was washing clothes at her dads. Then today she came over and stayed for a couple of hours and we talked about a lot of shit. Like her Mom, Joey, The Babies, And about us.. I don’t know what it is about that girl, But I just melt when I’m around her.. I did the Day I met her, and I still do to this day, even after everything that has happened.. I love the Girl, I can’t really come right out and tell her that, we I mean I do say I still love you and shit like that, but its not with all the feelings I have that I say it. I Feel things so much, music, art, smells, Thoughts, dreams, everything I perceive comes through in feelings first then the other senses. I Can feel Steph like no one I have ever known before.. I can read her story, Tell when shes happy, sad, I know what she likes, and dislikes. There is just a bond there that I have.. The thing is, I know she has it too… Even if we are only friends for ever and we never dated again, I would Be there for her over anything and anyone… She deserves the best, and maybe it isn’t my place, But I want to try to help her get it anyway she can…. If it means Talking to her when shes having Boyfriend problems, or Marrying her, or anything in between… Some people may read this and Say It is obsession.. I feel this and say it is true love, a karmic connection, And Fate, We are ment to be together for something.. Our Natal, Synastry, and composite charts say it to.. I just Haven’t Figured out how were supposed to be together yet, Just as friends, Or as Lovers again, Or is this just a closure to an earlier experience where we will grow apart again? I guess only God Knows, and Fate Will led the way.
I Talked to Steph on Tuesday. I love that girl so much it is truly driving me insane being without her. It’s been almost exactly two years since I got to hold her, but it seems like it was only yesterday I was wiping tears from her eyes because she had to move in with her dad.
Ok So Here it is… I talked to gena today……. She was like Stephanie told me to call.. She really wants to see you and talk to you again… And that she thought it would be so cool if we got back together… It’s kinda funny, cause I have been thinking about her more lately since her birthday is tomorrow… She turns 20… It seems like it has been so long… So much stuff has happened in that time frame… I sit and think a lot about how I should have just said ok when Steph wanted to run away the night before she left… Maybe it would have all been different.. I Really went crazy without her… It’s hard to try to explain it to anyone because I don’t think they can comprehend what I am talking about, or what I fell and felt for those years, and still to this day. So yeah, gena said all that after telling me last time she was here that steph Didn’t want to ever see me and she didn’t want to talk to me at all.. That really hurt me inside.. just the thoughrt that she didn’t even fell like she could talk to me… All I ever wanted ever was for her to be happy, and to be her friend.. to be honest I gave up on the getting back together thing like 2 years ago… Not that I still haven’t thought about her everyday, it’s just I Really couldn’t make myself believe it anymore… I didn’t even think I would ever even see her again.. And so I tried to get on with things…… Started Dating Someone And now, With steph being so close to the picture.. All I want to do is be there for her… As her friend and someone she can depend on… You know, I don’t even think about dating her.. I guess one thing I have learned and am still learning from my relationship with her is Fate. Whatever Happens, Happens.
Ok, Well.. It’s been a week or so…… Hummm.. I talked to Steph yesterday for hours, which seemed like minutes… It’s hard to believe We can still just talk like that. She called me like 3 times… She was washing clothes at her dads. Then today she came over and stayed for a couple of hours and we talked about a lot of shit. Like her Mom, Joey, The Babies, And about us.. I don’t know what it is about that girl, But I just melt when I’m around her.. I did the Day I met her, and I still do to this day, even after everything that has happened.. I love the Girl, I can’t really come right out and tell her that, we I mean I do say I still love you and shit like that, but its not with all the feelings I have that I say it. I Feel things so much, music, art, smells, Thoughts, dreams, everything I perceive comes through in feelings first then the other senses. I Can feel Steph like no one I have ever known before.. I can read her story, Tell when shes happy, sad, I know what she likes, and dislikes. There is just a bond there that I have.. The thing is, I know she has it too… Even if we are only friends for ever and we never dated again, I would Be there for her over anything and anyone… She deserves the best, and maybe it isn’t my place, But I want to try to help her get it anyway she can…. If it means Talking to her when shes having Boyfriend problems, or Marrying her, or anything in between… Some people may read this and Say It is obsession.. I feel this and say it is true love, a karmic connection, And Fate, We are ment to be together for something.. Our Natal, Synastry, and composite charts say it to.. I just Haven’t Figured out how were supposed to be together yet, Just as friends, Or as Lovers again, Or is this just a closure to an earlier experience where we will grow apart again? I guess only God Knows, and Fate Will led the way.
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