Woke up crying for no reason

I must be wayyyyyy down. My UE claim was denied which I expected, and SSI meeting is next week. I have to give the lawyer the paper to appeal UE now. I Juts sat on my floor and cried by the heater, Thats what I'm still going to do.

testing to see if this works

Had to shut dow except for invited members

My work is trying to dig whatever they can from my blog so I made it no public. That way if they use it it hurts them even more.

Yesterday.

Very Manic, need to add text messages to crystal. very out of it manic, paranoid, Compulsive, felt like everyone is watch me and I just needed to get away. I was walking in Mt. Pleasant. small town. I asked crystal for help but she didn't call back, said she fell asleep which is ok, she tries to be there when she can.

Listining to the end by the doors

Another sex song, and another dwelling songs, I hear it 3d it gives me chills out my back.


Im Hypo Compressive Type 2 Panic attack too 2 xanax on top to stop it. took normals also.

Garabge Milk Massive Attack

Talk about sex. This song is perfect lyrics, perfect music. If your looking for a sex song use Massive attack milk.

Meds

I forgot to tell everyone my Meds got doubled. I feel all weird now. I'm dizzy left to right and I've been tired a lot.

Sorry

I've been away, My meds got changed. well doubled and now I'm a zombie. I sleep till 5 PM and wake up then try to go for a walk to get out of the same 4 walls. I have a call for Unemployment tomorrow, I'm sure they are fighting saying I had done something wrong. I didn't though, I gave a book, then K gave my blog to all the execs to fire me saying she was scared. Funny thing was the blog date was April, and it was written by chris. If it was really per the rules of TEAM then Kate would be fired also. I put in 3 requests to move her starting on Saturday and Nothing was done. I never signed any paper cause I don't believe in the way I was fired. They filed me for bring Bipolar.

So I'm sitting in the basement

4 walls, a set of bunks, a desk. Like A cell. All from what I had. The Fiance the House I owned, the Cat I owned, a little girl used to me being there 3 years, a 4 yr old son that totally misses the daughters and her mother and I have to explain he will never see them again. I jumped ahead. So my Girl Friend broke up with me, set up 2 bank accounts and started transferring money from our only other accounts our joint accounts. All while In in Chicago on the second day of a 3 day trip. She breaks up with me while in Chicago, with a co-worker, can't wait till my lawyer says I can start saying names legally so I can call these bitches out. Any way, A new trainee makes about 45K to Start in any location but one. Where was I, oh yeah the bitches that want to be my friend then act like you don't know me. Fuck all of you. Bomb first bitches. Oh so the girl breaks up with me, so the next day I go give her one of the 8 books I ordered on relationship building. She took that and my blog to Sr Management, They had it up on the screen when I went into the office they were firing me. so its the COO and corporate Layer. No asking what happened days I did it 3 times, well if thats the case so did she so She should be fired too. The cool thing now is Nancy Grace on CNN, as soon as my mom has all the facts shes getting Nancy to corner it on national TV, Publishing in the Iowa news papers, etc. I can't wait till I can say names. I feel bad for the innocents, there was one. But when this all goes down and its shown who wrote whatever, the timeliness, the psych reports both wondering why I was there, A false police transport, the had no papers nothing followed me through my house wouldn't even let me piss with the door closed. In A normal state of mind I would have said arrest me, show me a warrant or get the fuck out. I was down and kinda shocked so none of it made sense. They put me through hell walking trough everywhere, saying I had to go, they could leave till I got on an ambulance they were there for an hour or two, I Kept telling them I didn't want to go, said i DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE AND Called an ambulance. Part 2 coming shortly... Hint, Mental ward is involved.

Jada

You are the omega of my heart
the foundation of my conception of love
when i think of what a woman should be... Read More
its you that i first think of

You will never fully understand
how deeply my heart feels 4 u
i worry that we'll grow apart
and i'll end up losing u

You bring me to climax without sex
and You do it all with regal grace
You are my heart in human form
a friend i could never replace.

-2PAC RIP

Dog's Out of the Cage!!

Sup homie. Glad to see your back. I hope to hear some new shit, and maybe even drop sum more myself. (We all know how that end's up!!!!) Keep you head up and thumb tucked. -DIK

Fuck It Im opening The Blog Back Up

I shut it down for awhile except for contributors, see the s, that means more than just me. So anyway I got fire from work after my X went to the bosses (right after we broke up) and gave them my blog, and said I gave her a book which I did. It was ordered the week before we broke up. I ordered 7 relationship building books to use together to work on problems we had, and 1 I ordered for her called why Men Love Bitches. A NY Times Best seller. I sat it on her desk, she gave my Bipolar blog site and says she feels threatened by "Hate" written by Hook Knows, AKA Dik, AKA Chris. So now the entire company is hitting the blog cause I got the IP's logged, I get dragged into the COO's office with their lawyer to tell me I'm fired while he has my blog site up on the screen. Well now I got a lawyer working the case so Fuck Them.

Email

I know you said your hurt and loosing weight, I'm hurt too. I didn't want it to be this way, I'm standing in the line trying to get foodstamps. It was a total shock to me. Your crying anfd hurting and so am I so why did it end this way? Why did you get a place move all your stuff out, break up with me? I loved you kate, all I wanted to do was marry you and have the fairytale dream, the problem became my problem, which if I could take the hurt and depression out of the picture from you, I am a lot better, I was back to where I wanted to be and where you needed me to be. 1 more Dr visit. Now I sit here with nothing but time wondereing everything from another guy to you just didn't love me. So you say your not with a guy so its you didn't love me. I tried everything Any time you were down and out, I wanted to make you happy. I was on the wrong meds for 1 and I needed a new one.

I tried to explain that. I don't eat either. I lost about 20 pounds so far. I know your trying to move on, It really hurts that I can't have your Phone number. And I'm not sending anything out until I have your Address, I just don't think its fair or respectful for some that was supposed to be you husband in 45 days. The worst part of this is as I sit alone upset because I can't talk to you, or I cand get a hold of you at night, I think to myself. I would still msrry you today. And I still love you even though itd crossed the line of more than breaking up this time.

I'll leave work out of every conversation, you think I think your cold, well thats just cause I sit and cry when something effects me so bad like this, but you dont, you get to the point black and white defensive, (in my eyes, maybe not to other people) so I assume it just doesn't bother you. Point I guess is you hated me sitting in the basement by myself, Thats all I have to do here

Thank Yous

Thank yous




The Reality of what happened is starting to sink in, we are pretty much done no going back. they got my meds pretty good so far, doubled everything, and added 600 mg of litithum.

I just wanted to thank/tell you some things I miss and appreciated:

1) Im in the valley again, so I am the valley trash, thats are there is, I have some govt papers and law papers going on so there is no move to get another job right now. That sux, You turned me to non cheap, now I'm yard salling and hitting the dollar store, that sux. Thank you for showing me the other side of life.

2) I came back to all the valley Hos, including crystal all trying to get with me, I can't even look at them, its ike get the fuck out of my face your a skank, Like seriously Ponderosa is a good dinner to them. I miss The High maintenance girl that made sure her nails and hair were done, wearing $500 dresses, or outfits. Here its like the girl in the hospital, thats the only way to explain.
Thank you for showing me valley trash is just that, maybe eventually I CAN HAVE ANOTHER HIGH CLASS WOMAN LIKE YOU.

3) Places here suck like bars / food. Places I'll miss especially with you:

Burbon street
Voodoo
The Casino
All Downtown
Peppers
Becks, (we had some good times, Karaoke, just early on alot of fun)
Cedar Falls .
The Water Parks
The Trails for biking / hiking
Pacos
Ferraries
Our 2 Shitty Malls
Hyvee
The Place we saw The Piano Man Show
The Cedar Rapids Airport - Lots of memories both happy and sad from leaving or coming.
The Mall Of America
The Deck
The Back Yard, _ I bet its starting to look nice now
The Living Room - I felt safe there
High Class Food and entertainment, Now its all Low class, as far down as Mc Donalds is a date - seriously.
I'm sure I missed some but you get the idea,

4) I wanted to thank you for trying to help me, you were there for my panic attacks alot and would walk with me or rub my head. Thank you for that, not many people care, No one here has yet to do anything but make my attacks worse. It was Odd I never had hardly 0 out there, you know in a while, but here, I've had a few so far, but its been a rough time so maybe thats why. Anyway taknk you for putting up with that part of me.

5) All the firsts you either had me experience or experienced with me. Flying for the first time, Going further west then ever, then again to vegas furthest ests, Vegas itself as my first. My first ever tailired Suit, my firdt $100 pair of Jeans, My first taste of fashion, multi products to get ready, My first cat, I hope he is ok I miss him so much. My first self owned Business, My first Self Owned Condo, First trip to Mall of America, First 3 some, first woman that was exactly that, a woman through and through, Well dressed, well mannered, Well Presented compared to what I'm used too. Lots of first for events, like the James Tye party, the Party at the country club where we met Paco, etc. All those things I was never used too.

6) Thank you for scheduling to have the pictures taken, They turned out awesome.

7) Thank you for the things you did for me when I lived there like Laundry, cleaning, etc. I should have cooked more. I miss those dinners like at convair with the steaks and crab on top beranaise!

8) Thank you for teaching me the fine points of wine. I never liked it at all before coming out there. I am glad I actually got involved and tried wine with you. We had some fun parties, and fun Wine nights just watching TV.

9) I miss playing cards, and making up our own games. That was fun.

10) Thank you for the good exercise habits, I'm down below 200 now. :)

Kate, Thank you for everything. I know you say you donut hate me, and maybe you don't but I feel that you do, I mean you filed a restraining order, won't give me your phone number, I can't have your address, to send you anything. Thats all fine, but don't tell me you don't hate me when thats how it is, I gave you my cell and Address as soon as they changed. I understand we are over period. So I know why wou wouldn't want me to have it I guess, you don't even log on IM, or you changed addresses.

Anyway I'm posting thins on the blog also, that you still never even looked at.

Kate Thanks for all the high class things and that side of life so I got to see it. I would never have seen it here before I left, aand really wont see any of it now so thank you for all those things.